to be jealous of my DC?

[NotEnoughTime]

Please be gentle with me. actually maybe I should have put this in chat

Can I start off by saying that I don't think that I am a great Mum by any stretch of the imagination, however I do try my very hardest most of the time

If my children want to go somewhere or do something then if I can possibly get them to it/afford it then I make sure that they can. They are grateful for this so this post is not about them being spoilt or anything.

I think because my own childhood was so different unhappy that I have a skewed version of a "normal" upbringing where children are treated as someone that matters and not as a nuisance.

I don't think I am explaining myself very well so I will give a few examples:

My DS wanted a new top for a party that he was going to so I took him shopping to get one (ie he wanted one NOT needed one) there is no way my Mum would have done this (to be fair she wouldn't have been able to afford any extra clothes in fact I never got new clothes only hand me down for elder siblings but even if she could have afforded it she wouldn't have brought anthing new as it would have been frivolous. In fact I doubt I would have been allowed to go to the party in the first place.

If my DC need new face stuff, deodorant, underwear, stationary etc I always make sure that they get it. Again I always had to make do/go without so feel strongly about my DC not missing out.

My DH and I go without holidays so that our DC can go away with the school as we can't afford us all to go as a family but can pay for them to go with their school seperately (obviously not ALL school trips just the ones they really want to go on)

I (like to think!) have a very good relationship with my DC-I love them to bits and tell them this on a daily basis (can't remember ever been told this by my parents ) and am really pleased they can talk to me about many "tricky" subjects ie sex. I was never even told about periods thought I was bleeding to death when I got my first one

Does anyone understand what I mean? Maybe jealousy is not the right word? I guess I wish that I could have felt loved and respected by my own parents the way that I feel about my own DC. I take their feelings into consideration (where possible) and I think they know that they mean the world to me.

I don't want to be jealous of my own DC and also don't want them to know how crap life was for me as a child but I am envious of them that they are confident and have self esteem which obviously Iam sooo pleased that they have. as I wouldn't want them to feel about themselves the way that I feel about myself ie not good enough

Having just read this back it sound like a whining self pity fest so please feel free to ignore if you wish. I will stop rambling now and I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense to anyone.

Interesting you should say that. I refused to entertain the idea that I could be having a boy when I was pregnant because I needed to be able to prove I could be a better mother than mine was and I could best do that with a girl. Far as I can tell, DD's a very happy little girl at 3.

Sorry, that last post was also in response to Contessa.

OP, I get you
My dc's have everything I wanted as a child; a lovely home, foreign holidays , music lessons etc. They also have a loving extended family. The things that I didnt have.
I don't envy them ,but I suppose that I am giving them the childhood that I longed for as a child.

I could have written this but I try to stop myself thinking like this. I now try to concentrate on the good things that my parents did. They sacrificed a lot financially on 'frivolous' things but I love my life now.
I often think how could they not have seen the little things as being so important to a child and i over compensate with my own. I was bullied for wearing my brothers old clothes or even my mums clothes from the 70s on 'own clothes days'! But it made me stronger, appreciate the value of money, and work hard. My parents focused their efforts on education instead.
I think I am happy with who I am and how my life has turned out. If thats the case with you, then you (like me) have a lot to be thankful for and perhaps they didn't get it wrong after all...? (Thats what I believe with my folks anyway)

As an adult, I can see from the backgrounds my parents came from they tried their best and did well with what they had to work with. But there are still many mistakes they made that I won't repeat with my daughter.

Sometimes I'm jealous (I know it's not the right word) of the stability DD has. But at the same time, I'm not because I reap the benefits of cuddles and a happy child which is reward enough for me.

I had a mini-breakthrough with my dad today. We were discussing my mother's inadequacies as a parent (shouting, heavily criticising, hitting) and the fact that my sister blames dad for not having protected us (he claims he didn't realise how bad it was).

Anyway, he was talking about how she used to have a go at us and hit us and said (in tones of this-justifies-it) 'Well, you know, maybe her mother did the same to her and that's why she was like that'. I looked at him and said 'Dad. If I hit DS1 and shouted at him and told him that he was fat and stupid and useless, would you say 'Oh well, her mum did the same to her''? He looked a bit sad and said 'No. No, I wouldn't'.

I then took pity on him and said that remembering how I used to feel was an important factor in how I deal with my own kids and that I wouldn't necessarily have realised how upsetting it was if I hadn't been on the receiving end. He sighed and changed the subject, but maybe it helped.

Thanks for the kind comments upthread btw lots of courageous people here.