to be jealous of my DC?

[NotEnoughTime]

Please be gentle with me. actually maybe I should have put this in chat

Can I start off by saying that I don't think that I am a great Mum by any stretch of the imagination, however I do try my very hardest most of the time

If my children want to go somewhere or do something then if I can possibly get them to it/afford it then I make sure that they can. They are grateful for this so this post is not about them being spoilt or anything.

I think because my own childhood was so different unhappy that I have a skewed version of a "normal" upbringing where children are treated as someone that matters and not as a nuisance.

I don't think I am explaining myself very well so I will give a few examples:

My DS wanted a new top for a party that he was going to so I took him shopping to get one (ie he wanted one NOT needed one) there is no way my Mum would have done this (to be fair she wouldn't have been able to afford any extra clothes in fact I never got new clothes only hand me down for elder siblings but even if she could have afforded it she wouldn't have brought anthing new as it would have been frivolous. In fact I doubt I would have been allowed to go to the party in the first place.

If my DC need new face stuff, deodorant, underwear, stationary etc I always make sure that they get it. Again I always had to make do/go without so feel strongly about my DC not missing out.

My DH and I go without holidays so that our DC can go away with the school as we can't afford us all to go as a family but can pay for them to go with their school seperately (obviously not ALL school trips just the ones they really want to go on)

I (like to think!) have a very good relationship with my DC-I love them to bits and tell them this on a daily basis (can't remember ever been told this by my parents ) and am really pleased they can talk to me about many "tricky" subjects ie sex. I was never even told about periods thought I was bleeding to death when I got my first one

Does anyone understand what I mean? Maybe jealousy is not the right word? I guess I wish that I could have felt loved and respected by my own parents the way that I feel about my own DC. I take their feelings into consideration (where possible) and I think they know that they mean the world to me.

I don't want to be jealous of my own DC and also don't want them to know how crap life was for me as a child but I am envious of them that they are confident and have self esteem which obviously Iam sooo pleased that they have. as I wouldn't want them to feel about themselves the way that I feel about myself ie not good enough

Having just read this back it sound like a whining self pity fest so please feel free to ignore if you wish. I will stop rambling now and I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense to anyone.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I don't think it's jealousy. I'm glad my DD has a different childhood to the one I had. I'm not saying I'm the best Mother in the world, but I like to think I've become the Mother I always wanted as a child. I've become the person that I needed if you see what I mean?

I think that make sense...

I had a happy (ish) childhood but I didn't have many of my "wants" which were girly clothes such as pink stuff and slip on shoes, takeaways at home, lunches in cafes, sweets after swimming... Not huge wants but my mum was v unfrivolous and always said no - and not because of the lack of money.

With my dc's now I love treating them, and I'm definite compensating for my lack of "wants" as a child.

I think is 70's kids did suffer with parents expecting us to "fit in" with their life, as another poster has said.

Apparently parents of the 1940's and 50's were the opposite and believed you went without for your children, maybe our kids will rebel against us and parent the 70's way (God forbid!)

Hi op, I love my dd and I love to see her happy but I get pangs of saddness sometimes because I think how different things could have been for me.

It isn't jealousy, just sadness I think.

cdwales - thank you for the post. (I know it wasn't to me) but what you said about it being a type of grieving really resonates with me.

Like another poster, I see my dp with my dd and how excited she gets when he comes home from work and I wish it could have been that way for me too. I hope I don't repeat the mistakes of either of my parents. I'm not talking about doing without physical stuff, more the emotional stuff. I want dd to always feel secure, loved and confident.

It's great you've got a good relationship with your kids. However i think you should prioritise a family holiday above individual school trips.

I was also bought up on a shoe string budget but didn't mind at all. I'm not materialistic now and neither are my children. We don't equate money with happiness. I equate life experiences and quality attention with happiness. We are a happy bunch and do lots of nice things together.

I had a happy childhood on the whole. But there were 'gaps' that I try to fill with my own Dc. Dh is the same.
I agree you should think about a family holiday, especially as school holidays are really expensive. For the price of one or two trips I bet you could at least book a short break for you all.

I agree a family holiday can mean a lot to kids and it doesn't have to be expensive or for a long time. We go camping/stay with friends quite a lot. Even though they are used to it, my DC are always excited about camping. Last time there was a river and we just threw stones in the water, paddled and mooched around looking for pretty stones, that's basically all we did and they loved it.

I get where you are coming from op. My childhood was deeply miserable due to a miserly overbearing mother. It was not as if she didn't have the money it was just that she hated spending money or time on anything I would want or need. No holidays, no clothes, no school trips. I had the same skirt, t.shirt and pair of jeans from age 11 to 17, when I got my first pay packet and I went mad clothes shopping.

I raise dc with an eye on doing the exact opposite of what dm would have done. Both dc say their childhoods have been the best. I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I had me as a parent.

YY to the poster who said something about becoming the type of parent you needed. I said to my counsellor once that I felt my life would have changed dramatically if I'd had a daughter. The act of caring for and attending to the needs of a girl, like she mattered, would have been a sort of affirmation to myself that girls do matter, and are important, and that I matter and am important.

She nodded and said that was very insightful of me, so I imagine she approved of the remark and that it wasn't a crock of BS therefore, I have repeated it here.

I understand exactly what you're saying, I could have written that myself. I had a crappy childhood, never enough of anything...food, clothing, heat, love. A dirty house, no holidays, miserable birthdays and Christmases.

I'm 52, I've had one birthday cake...my kids have had birthdays where they've had two cakes. One for friends/school one for family.

I've had one birthday party...my kids get their choice of what to do on their birthday, party, day trip with a friend, dinner at a restaurant, music concert.

My youngest is a hugger. He loves to be hugged, cuddled, stretch out on the couch with his head on my lap so I can rub his head while he watches TV. My parents never hugged us. We got kissed on our birthdays and Christmas.

It's not jealousy. It's a feeling of, it's not that difficult if you want to do it. Why was I worth it? Why were booze and fags more important that making sure your kids had shoes without holes, a warm home, enough food?

why wasn't I worth it?

Sorry.

Oh dear, my DC have had holes in their shoes once or twice - but we do try to do something about it when we notice. Also the house is a bit of a tip and I feel a bit bad about that for them. But I do give them lots of hugs - and praise. I think that makes up for quite a lot? Also we do lots, both together and organise things for them to do. It was just the holes in the shoes thing!

I think context is key Juggling

I'm sure most houses are a bit messy and I'm sure most parents have noticed a hole in a shoe every now and then, when you pair those with an all-round shitty upbringing though they become pieces of a larger, shittier picture.

Thanks OB, and beyond the basics, which obviously do matter too, I'm sure it's warmth and affection which matters most

Sounds like you're giving this to your DC in spades too Kate?
Sorry to hear it wasn't there for you in your childhood x

Great thread and I can really identify with the feelings of the Op and many other posters here. I agree it's not jealousy as such but you can't help compare your own upbringing with that you are giving your DC.

In the last few months in particular my thoughts have often turned to times in my childhood when I felt almost invisible and I'm remembering many incidents over the years that I think like another poster said, I've minimised. In actual fact my father in particular was a tyrant at times, in part due to undiagnosed depression and the financial stress of being sole earner with a large family but also because he has a very controlling nature. My mother allowed a lot rather than upset him and we all learned to comply from a young age. DHs upbringing wasn't dissimilar so I think that's why we both make a conscious effort to have a calm and happy household.

I always think in the 70s and 80s the parenting focus was on things like a roof over your head, food in your belly, shoes on your feet (I realise many couldn't count on those) but I think there was a real lack of I don't know, emotional awareness maybe? Not sure if that's what to call it but I just remember being such an anxious child, constantly worried and trying to please, I had zero confidence and there was never any effort made by my parents to boost that, in fact I think they were oblivious to it. My own childhood while not necessarily abusive I suppose just makes me want to do better by my children.

OP, this is a lovely thread and thanks for starting it. I agree with pp that you're not 'jealous' ofyour kids as such but grieving for your own childhood and what it lacked.

Like some pp we never had money worries when I was a child - we were very comfortably off - but my mother was a terrifying presence, constantly cross (for nothing at all), stressed-out, screaming at us, smacking us, so determined to present the perfect home life that we just toed the line... she screamed at me once for an entire evening because I'd not got the music exam grade she wanted me to get so that she could compete with her friends' kids, told me it must be because the music examiner didn't like my ugly face etc... I was 7 or 8. We weren't 'allowed' moods of any kind that were not cheery compliance; I never had a teenage rebellion because the one morning I tried being a grumpy teenager she yelled at me for the entire 30 min drive to school that I had no right to be such a misery and she wouldn't put up with it.

And so on and so on ad nauseam. My dad was weak and let her rule the roost, then had an affair when I was in my early teens which my mum shared almost every single detail of with her kids (I remember being woken up to screaming rows about him 'fucking' another woman... not great when you're 11) because she didn't want to admit to any of her friends that she needed support.

Needless to say I am doing everything I can to break this pattern with my own DD (still a toddler). I have had many years of very good therapy which has helped. I want my DD to feel she is allowed to have any mood she damn well wants (the only thing I am rigid about with her is good manners with other people and considering other people's feelings). She is allowed to be angry with me if she wants. She is allowed to be angry about nothing at all and I will help her try to work out what it is (she's only 2.5 so this is still a way off but the general approach is having some success with her toddler meltdowns!!). I will welcome her friends into our house with open arms (my mum was always suspicious of friends of ours and made it clear they were not really wanted). I will let her fail without fear.

Most of all, I tell her I love her about a million times a day which I HONESTLY don't recall my parents ever saying to me. And I cuddle her all the time (thank God she's a big cuddle monster too) which, again, I literally cannot remember my parents ever doing. It never even occurred to me that they hadn't cuddled, and that most (?) parents probably do/did, until I had my own DD and couldn't stop cuddling her.

Thanks again OP and it's been very moving to read the other stories on here. to all who survived miserable childhoods and are making a difference for their own kids.

I totally understand what you're saying and could say the same myself. I wouldn't describe it as jealousy because you're not saying your kids don't deserve these things.

Sometimes it's hard to understand why our own parents didn't do the things we do - particularly the feeling loved part

jugglingfromheretothere

I feel awful now, I did not mean to upset anyone with my post. Obviously there have been times when I've looked at my own kids shoes and seen they are in poor condition and replaced them as soon as possible. When I was growing up we didn't get new shoes just because there was holes in them, we covered the holes with black electrical tape and wore them till the school year was out.

I apologise for making you feel badly, that was not my intention.

I'm sorry Kate, I feel bad for making you feel bad now. I wasn't upset by your post and sorry for making it a bit all about me. I think I was just reaching for the reassurance that it's the love and affection that matters most. Agree with others that it's a very moving thread to see so many posters over-coming difficult childhoods to give their children a happier one

Most parents in the 70s didn't have the disposable income that many of us enjoy now. They just didn't have the cash to splash. They'd probably been raised by frugal parents too.

Absolutely!! I believe loving parents can make up for a lot. Ours were not, they told us what a disappointment we were, how they didn't want children, there was no affection at all.

Just caught up with everyone's comments.

I feel humbled by some of your stories. Once again for everyone who didn't have the childhood that they deserved.

It really struck a chord with me when someone said (I'm sorry-I forget who) said be the parent that you wished that you had. I'm going to really try that (perhaps for selfish reasons) as I think it will help me heal.

One other thing, I really wish to stress that for me it wasn't about the lack of money in my childhood home-that I could handle. It was how I was made to feel. If the people who are meant to love you don't then it leaves a big hole which is very difficult to fill.

Take the little girl you used to be, go buy her a little treat, a grown-up treat I mean! A coffee somewhere nice? Just something you would enjoy. You deserved to be loved and cared for.

Contessa, loved your post - very honest and very insightful.