to be jealous of my DC?

[NotEnoughTime]

Please be gentle with me. actually maybe I should have put this in chat

Can I start off by saying that I don't think that I am a great Mum by any stretch of the imagination, however I do try my very hardest most of the time

If my children want to go somewhere or do something then if I can possibly get them to it/afford it then I make sure that they can. They are grateful for this so this post is not about them being spoilt or anything.

I think because my own childhood was so different unhappy that I have a skewed version of a "normal" upbringing where children are treated as someone that matters and not as a nuisance.

I don't think I am explaining myself very well so I will give a few examples:

My DS wanted a new top for a party that he was going to so I took him shopping to get one (ie he wanted one NOT needed one) there is no way my Mum would have done this (to be fair she wouldn't have been able to afford any extra clothes in fact I never got new clothes only hand me down for elder siblings but even if she could have afforded it she wouldn't have brought anthing new as it would have been frivolous. In fact I doubt I would have been allowed to go to the party in the first place.

If my DC need new face stuff, deodorant, underwear, stationary etc I always make sure that they get it. Again I always had to make do/go without so feel strongly about my DC not missing out.

My DH and I go without holidays so that our DC can go away with the school as we can't afford us all to go as a family but can pay for them to go with their school seperately (obviously not ALL school trips just the ones they really want to go on)

I (like to think!) have a very good relationship with my DC-I love them to bits and tell them this on a daily basis (can't remember ever been told this by my parents ) and am really pleased they can talk to me about many "tricky" subjects ie sex. I was never even told about periods thought I was bleeding to death when I got my first one

Does anyone understand what I mean? Maybe jealousy is not the right word? I guess I wish that I could have felt loved and respected by my own parents the way that I feel about my own DC. I take their feelings into consideration (where possible) and I think they know that they mean the world to me.

I don't want to be jealous of my own DC and also don't want them to know how crap life was for me as a child but I am envious of them that they are confident and have self esteem which obviously Iam sooo pleased that they have. as I wouldn't want them to feel about themselves the way that I feel about myself ie not good enough

Having just read this back it sound like a whining self pity fest so please feel free to ignore if you wish. I will stop rambling now and I'm sorry if this makes absolutely no sense to anyone.

This is very moving. I think what you are describing is a type of grieving. You never had many or the experiences of a loving childhood which is what builds self-worth and self-esteem.
But you are to be congratulated! Many people fall into the trap of taking out their loss on their children - no black and whites here I am talking about incidents and lapses not all the time...
A lot depends on our genes and characters too I suspect and other things such as relationships with the other parent/grand parent or sibling. Recognising the struggle and talking about it is vital to clambering out of the pit each time you slide into it.

Oh and something I find useful when it all swirls round and round and gets me down - the technique of Mindfulness when you calmly focus on something in the real world (I use a tree I can see from my window across the valley)and think about it, make links - the season, sounds, the weather - and be calm and neutral, taking some perfect breaths and tackling that task one has been putting off for weeks .
Take care.

So many sad stories on this thread, including yours OP. All I can say is - WELL DONE. God knows it is so very hard not to fall into the trap of behaving the way your parents did. I feel very angry about the way I was treated as a child - it went from one extreme to another, literally all or nothing, and it's just not right.

Bottom line: you sound like a wonderful parent, though maybe some counselling would help, or talking to DH?

Thank you OP for posting this. Now i know im not alone

We all build on the things our parents gave us.

Don't forget it was a different mindset then, very acceptable to smoke, play dates were much less done than nowadays and after school activities are much more prevalent today.

I think it's a bit like my mum regretting the fact she didn't have electricity as a girl, only gas light.

Just like there has been a technological change I think there is social change that affects parenting also.

( I'd have loved central heating when growing up! )

Op, you described my child hood and I'm sure it was the same for many of us, I can remember going clothes shopping once a year with my mum and her having £30 to buy me and my brother clothes, the rest of our clothes came from hand me downs and jumble sales, I don't think my parents were that skint but my dad was quite tight and would rather spend money on the house rather than on clothes and holidays.

My kids get everything they need and a lot of what they want too, they have nice clothes, the latest gadgets and I take them on holiday every year. I don't think I feel jealous but I do think they are very lucky and I keep reminding them how lucky they are.

I sometimes get really bloody furious at DS1 when he casually contradicts me (wrongly), or ignores me, or clearly is not scared of me. I asked myself why I felt that way, then realised that:

a) my mother would be fucking livid if I contradicted her, even especially when I was right. This means that in my head children do not contradict adults unless it is in a supremely respectful way.

b) if I'd ignored my mother she'd have gone fucking mad and thumped me.

c) I was scared of my mother and so was a good little girl always.

It's definitely a struggle to respond to DS1 calmly when he hits those trigger buttons, but I know that my knee-jerk fury is my problem and is disproportionate to the offence sometimes.

Knowing that the kids are not actually responsible for the feeling raging inside you is half the battle, IMO.

I think you sound lovely OP. I also think you need to learn to value yourself too. We would never send our kids on an expensive school trip at the expense of a family holiday, or buy them extra stuff while we went without basics.

I think it's okay to spend time and money on yourself as well as your kids. I think it helps to teach them that it's good to look after yourself. I hate to see kids in designer stuff and mums without decent shoes and coat.

I think you sound lovely too. Your children are benefiting from what you went through. I understand, as my kids have a life light years beyond what I would've ever dreamed of. Travel, choice of clothes, guidance about school and homework, friends round whenever they like etc etc. I make darn sure they don't take anything for granted though! Be kind to yourself and take pleasure in watching them grow up. Before you know it they'll be off in the world putting to use all you've taught them.

As others have said, you're not jealous of your children. You're sad for the child in you and grieving a childhood that wasn't a happy one. And that's perfectly okay. You will heal the child in you a little every time you do things differently with your own children. And I agree with others, now is the time to start doing one or two things for yourself so that the grown-up you can make up for lost time. You matter too.

I can relate to what you're saying. I grew up in a home with much greater disposable income than my dd does, and yet her childhood is so very very different in a positive way to mine.

Personally I don't feel sorry for me but as an adult I pity the little girl that endured my childhood. On the one hand seeing the stark contrast between the two childhoods does bring it home. But I look at it in a more positive light, and becoming a mum suddenly brought the recognition that my childhood was neither my fault or what I deserved. Because no child ever could do anything to justify parents like mine, and it's nothing but normal to love your children, rather than love/nurture/ kindness being something a child earns from their parents or not based on whether they are deserving. I still have 'how fucked up was that' moments, but that's what they are, rather than 'doesn't dd have it good'.

And no, you don't sound jealous, just upset for the child you were.

Releaseasongbird and Headofthehive55

Thank you for your posts. I understand what you are both saying and I accept that there was definetly different parenting in the 70's as opposed to now. However, it isn't really the material things I felt I missed out on it was the feeling of being secure and warm and loved and that I mattered.

I try to make sure my DC know that Iam always pleased to see them, take an interest in their interests, friends and lives. Small things that don't cost me anything financially but make a difference to their self esteem and feeling of being an important part of the family (I hope)

Thank you both for posting-it is always good to hear other point of views

JugglingFromHereToThere Mon 05-Oct-15 14:59:24

But I'm hoping to enjoy it all in a virtual way if that makes sense? (is that the right word?)

Bitoutofpractise Touche-you have made me cry too.

wizzywig You are welcome-it is good to know that we are not alone.

to everyone who has put forward their points of view and for your kind wishes, I feel very humbled.

We have also made discussions of the day which has in turn made my day [shallow emoticon]

I understand. I feel the same.

Except that when DS does get in a bratty/spoilt mood (which is rare, to his credit), it infuriates me, and I find it incredibly hard to deal with. I feel like telling him all about how we went weeks without a proper meal, let alone the sparkly trinket he simply has to have right that second, but I know it's not his burden or problem, and I have to treat him as his own person with his own life and not tack my issues onto him... It's so tricky.

I've been considering counseling. Have you considered it?

LaContessa your post struck a chord. Thank you.

I am a generation further down the line from you. My mum had a mother who was not very loving in a maternal way. As a result she always made it clear to me and my brother how much we were loved. We weren't spoilt in a material way, but we always knew our parents would do anything they could for us (and still would now we're adults).

I feel immense respect to her for breaking the cycle. I have healthy self-esteem and a great relationship with my mum. I wish the same for you and your DC

Definitely for me, having my own DC really brought home to me how bad my childhood was. I knew it was bad, but I did a lot of minimising and "oh I survived, whatever". Especially when I had DD - I guess simply because having a DD reminds me of myself more at some level – it's come up a lot for me and I've done a lot of sobbing/self-pity, whatever it is, over the fact that I really was not parented in any loving way as a child.

I try not to spoil the DC materially, although I am aware that they are used to things like having lunch out, which I never was, though poverty wasn't really the issue. But when it comes to the love and affection, listening and caring, I try to do that in a way to make up for what happened to me. If that makes sense. I feel like I can try to make it right by not perpetuating what my parents were like.

My aunt (who is nice) said that to me. She saw what my parents were like when I was little. When I had kids she said "now you can make a family like it should be" and that meant a lot – that she understood that and believed in me that I was a kind person and could do that.

I think going through feelings like you have OP is fine, normal and what matters is that you are listening to them and caring for yourself, as the child you were. It's never too late to do that.

LaContessaDiPlump

I struggle with that too. You almost took the words out of my mouth. It takes me a minute to take a breath and remind myself that it's a good thing that he feels secure and confident enough around me to talk back sometimes, that he's pushing all the boundaries that I would have pushed as a child if I weren't so terrified of my parents.

Oh Contessa and Ostentatious, exactly.

DD kicks off something rotten and screams at us (she's 5, just started school and stressed and tired, not that that makes it OK but it's fairly normal after a day of being good I think, and she is good at school). Part of me is shocked because I think "I would NEVER have done that!"

But of course I wouldn't. My parents were abusive, scary, manipulative emotional blackmailers and I never pissed them off at all. I was the most well-behaved, timid, A-grade child you could ever meet. I can't remember ever misbehaving or even behaving like a child.

Ah, shucks

I have on occasion said to DH, jokingly: 'Please can I just clout him one so that he gets scared and does what I say for ever after?' DH is used to me so is like but he gets where the frustration comes from. I hasten to add that I have only ever hit DS1 once in a moment of blinding rage (he'd kicked me in the face at point-blank range with his heavy trainers on) and I don't ever intend to do it again.

I get very very very angry if my kids intentionally hit me, because I was hit a lot by my mother and sister (sister was much younger than me tbf). In my head, now that I am the parent, it is my turn to hit children. They are not allowed to hit me. I don't need to be told how messed up that is.....I still have issues about how I'm always the one who gets hit and never the hitter. In a really bizarre way, I feel like I've missed out and I resent it.

Like I said, work in progress. In practice, the kids get manhandled into the corridor and told to dwell on their sins for 3 minutes, after which cuddles and forgiveness happen. They may be back out there 5 minutes later but them's the risks

Ostentatious and the others who mentioned counselling (sorry can't remember everyone's names)

I have had counselling in the past due to related family issues (don't want to go into it now in case anyone thinks I'm drip feeding but feel free to read my previous posts if you wish) which def helped at the time.

Having my DC has made my life complete and yes, I am healing through them however it also brings everything back to me and makes me feel sad for what I missed out on (sorry again for the whinging-I sound like a right moaner-I promise I'm not like this in real life )

I went to my doctors a little while back (as I have suffered with severe depression in the past and I recognise when I am sinking back into it) for counselling and medication. The counselling that was available is £45 per hour (and she recommended it weekly) which is unfortunately out of my price range. I would feel really bad spending that sort of money on myself even if I had it to spare.

I think I will vent on here to guys (if you don't mind) as it is very cathartic and a lot cheaper!

OP I understand what you mean and I think it's very natural and understandable that you feel sad for the child you that you didn't have those things

Do try and remember though that you matter too and you don't always have to go without. It is OK to treat yourself sometimes too.

Huge respect to you for breaking that pattern of behaviour. You should feel very proud of yourself, I reckon.

i don't think its jealousy. I think that it just amplifies to you what you missed out on and that means you have stuff you need to work through yourself about your childhood.

For me it was the realisation that parenting whist hard is not rocket science and it's actually not that hard to get right. Until I had my own children I used to try and explain my own parents failings in part by excusing them as being a parent was just so 'hard' and it wasn't their fault they made such a hash of it. Turns out it really was their fault!

You sound like a lovely parent who is insightful into what is needed. Be wishful about the past - but also give yourself a big pat on the back that you have given your children something so different and normal.

Completely understand about the free MN counseling (or alternative to)
I have made good use of that over the years and am very grateful for the brilliant advice and many empathetic listening ears
I've had some RL counseling too for more focused issues and life challenges - I agree the cost of counseling is an issue for me too and many others I'm sure

Thank you LikeASoulWithoutAMind and MrsFrisbyMouse

I'm glad you have found MN helpful Juggling-it is lovely to be able to "talk" to other women (or men-I don't want to insult anyone!) about topics that you don't feel you can talk about in real life.