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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu about my family and arrangements agreed for looking after dd while I give birth?

94 replies

Littleyellowboo · 04/10/2015 19:37

Just looking for straight answers please.
My mum offered to look after my toddler dd while I give birth so dh can be there with me- I had complications last time was in prior to and after birth for a few days but I'm hopeful it will be more straightforward this time.
Anyway was glad of offer as DM offered to stay at my house so dd can be in own bed etc. Agreed months ago- esp glad of offer as no support from inlaws and my friends all have young dc so would be struggling to help.
Just been told my dsis is now travelling to the other side of world for a fortnight leaving 2.5 wks before my due date- and so my DM will be looking after her dd (10 yrs old). My dn will be able to stay at parents house as Df there to stay at night but in the day DM will have to look after her.
I'm just annoyed that this was all booked and arranged without anyone thinking to tell me. DM can't see what the issue is but I feel put out actually.
Aibu?

OP posts:

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 05/10/2015 07:59

Your daughter will very soon have to fit in with a new baby, all day every day not to mention thirty other children when she starts school. I'm sure she can cope with not being the centre of attention for the day.

Does your mother have her niece whilst mum works? Is that why she helps more?

HackerFucker22 · 05/10/2015 08:20

Is there a reason yor DM 'helps' more with her other grandkids? Are they closer or does she provide childcare?

My mum has 11 grandkids - all aged 8 and under - and she does spend proportionately more time with my brothers kids..... However one of my nephew's has health issues and lots of appointments so my mum has the other kids a few times a week (bro and sil have 5 kids!!!) whilst brother works and sil attends medical appointments. My parents are on hand for ad hoc babysitting for all of the grandkids but they don't offer childcare.... I would never expect them to.

We're lucky to have our mum close by and she had my DC1 when I had DC2. Thankfully I had a very easy time. Left home at 5am and was home with new baby by 2pm.

I think yabvu to expect your DM to not have both your DD and DN but yanbu to feel upset if your DM seems to favour other grandchildren / spend more time with them for seemingly no reason.

Mermaidhair · 05/10/2015 10:59

I can understand your upset, especially with your follow up post. I think you should have a talk with both gp and let them know how you feel your dd isn't getting enough time with them.

Original poster

Littleyellowboo · 05/10/2015 12:54

Thanks all. Glad I vented here before to others.
To the posters commenting about my child having to cope with not being the centre of attention- its not and never has been about her wanting that rather me wanting it for her Iyswim she loves playing with her cousins.
Just this time I wanted to know that she was the priority- dd herself is very flexible.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 05/10/2015 12:58

Just this time I wanted to know that she was the priority

She is a toddler. TBH they really don't understand stuff like being the priority :) Provided she is cared for and has fun, she will be happy!

abbieanders · 05/10/2015 13:11

Were you going to sit her down and explain just how and why she was not the priority on this occasion? I cannot imagine how she'd notice or such a thing would occur to a toddler otherwise.

Original poster

Littleyellowboo · 05/10/2015 13:17

Sorry I'm not getting my point across very well. Dd wouldn't notice any difference- I wanted to know she was the priority.
Like I say i accept now that I was overthinking it.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 05/10/2015 13:32

Credit to you for accepting it now OP.

I think that going forward you think it would be nice if your DD, and in time the new baby, could build a closer relationship with all the grandparents. Phrase it something like that though, not that you want her to be the centre of attention.

Spartans · 05/10/2015 16:01

The thing is OP she is the priority. They are still stayin at yours and doing things the way you have asked. It would be easier if your ds stayed at your mums, but your mum is still doing as you asked. She hasn't changed anything from what you asked.

Tbh, your dd isn't ever going to be the priority. A situation may mean she needs to be, but in herself she isn't going to be. Your mum has more Tha one grandchild. as important as each other. There may be a situation where either your sd or you dn needs to come first. But in this situation she can help both out and doesn't need to put one child in front of another.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/10/2015 22:52

I think if you are having a baby you should be more of a priority than someone going on holiday.

I know my mother would not have agreed to take on any childcare arrangements for me or my sisters when one of us was about to go into labour.

And none of us would ask either.

We all put each other first around the time a baby is expected. I thought that was just normal in a close family?

I wouldn't dream of asking my mother to do loads of childcare for me so I could go on holidays when one of my sisters had a baby due.

So thoughtless and selfish.

Your mum has other shit to be thinking about around the time her daughter will be going through labour than a fortnight of minding a 10 year old so her ma can go off on a jolly.

Totally inconsiderate of your sister to even ask.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/10/2015 23:02

Did the op say it was a holiday?

LolLolLoLol · 05/10/2015 23:28

FairPlay OP for graciously conceding that ywbu.

You were being unreasonable but as you are pregnant you are allowed to be.

Good luck with everything. Im sure it will all work out.

Original poster

Littleyellowboo · 06/10/2015 07:22

Don't think I said but yes it is a holiday- she and her partner have flexible jobs so it could have been taken next but they wanted to go before Xmas specifically this might be for a number of reasons though.
Its all booked and arranged before I knew anyway so it is what it is now and my mum still coming here so it hasn't changed for dd.

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 06/10/2015 07:34

I think op you are nervous (understandably) about the birth which you can't control and this takes another element out of your control as well. You just want the very best for your daughter and I totally get that. You are just being a good mum.

Foffyouwanker · 06/10/2015 07:41

Yabu! How dare you consider having a baby when your sister wants to visit? Totally unreasonable!

zebra22 · 06/10/2015 07:47

Yes YABU

Your Mum hasn't said she won't look after your child, so I don't see what the issue is

longdiling · 06/10/2015 08:03

Do you think your mum offers to babysit your niece or is your sister just better at asking than you? I think with the first grandchildren there's a lot of excitement and a lot of babysitting offers and it becomes the norm to have them fairly regularly and that doesn't necessarily happen when the next grandchildren come along - you kind of have to ask for the help. That's been my experience anyway. My parents don't have favourites but they were used to doing lots for their first grandchildren and I've had to push myself forward a little bit and ask for help. Perhaps that's the case for you OP? I do see what you're getting at (although I agree YABU). I will admit to feeling a little bit jealous of the experience my sister had in giving my parents the first grandchildren. Sometimes you do have stampy-feet 'but what about MY kids' moments.

Original poster

Littleyellowboo · 06/10/2015 08:18

foffy? My sis lives in same town as me- she's going on holiday to China not visiting us

OP posts:

Original poster

Littleyellowboo · 06/10/2015 08:19

longdiling good points think I will revisit things next year once dust settled difficult with inlaws as mil on her own, busy with other arrangements etc but hopefully work something out

OP posts:

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