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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about my family and arrangements agreed for looking after dd while I give birth?

94 replies

Littleyellowboo · 04/10/2015 19:37

Just looking for straight answers please.
My mum offered to look after my toddler dd while I give birth so dh can be there with me- I had complications last time was in prior to and after birth for a few days but I'm hopeful it will be more straightforward this time.
Anyway was glad of offer as DM offered to stay at my house so dd can be in own bed etc. Agreed months ago- esp glad of offer as no support from inlaws and my friends all have young dc so would be struggling to help.
Just been told my dsis is now travelling to the other side of world for a fortnight leaving 2.5 wks before my due date- and so my DM will be looking after her dd (10 yrs old). My dn will be able to stay at parents house as Df there to stay at night but in the day DM will have to look after her.
I'm just annoyed that this was all booked and arranged without anyone thinking to tell me. DM can't see what the issue is but I feel put out actually.
Aibu?

OP posts:
CrapBag · 04/10/2015 20:31

YABVU and ridiculously precious. What exactly is your issue here because I fail to see it?

Your mum is still having your DD at your house overnight so she can sleep in her own bed and she is taking her to her house in the day. Big deal.

My nan had my DCs for one night recently and she did exactly the same. I failed to see in any way how it was a problem and I suspect she preferred to be in her own home for the day where she knows where everything is and has the food in that she eats and was happy to sleep at ours so they could sleep in their own beds.

We're you hoping your DD was getting all the attention to herself? Is it that she has to go on a school run twice a day? It's hardly putting a 2 year old out.

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2015 20:32

Really, really unreasonable. I hope you haven't said anything to your mum? As soon as the baby arrives you will be looking after 2 children as well!

MissFitt68 · 04/10/2015 20:32

Your poor mum! I hope you aren't trying to make her feel bad?

Is your dd that much of a pfb that she needs all of everyone's attention? Seriously, yabvvvvvvu

Spartans · 04/10/2015 20:35

My mum had dd when I had my second. My expectation was that dd would fit in around her plans. Not the other way round.

Did you expect you mum to keep 4 weeks totally free so she could look after your dd when you go into labour and only focus on your dd?

BathtimeFunkster · 04/10/2015 20:36

I think it was mean of your sister to arrange her holiday to clash with your likely to go into labour time and complicate your arrangement with your mother.

My ma is a total soft touch people pleaser, but I'm pretty sure she'd tell me to piss off if I started arranging holidays when she was on call to do birth childcare for one of her daughters.

Topseyt · 04/10/2015 20:36

I don't see it as an issue.

Your Mum is going to look after both children. The 10 year old will be at school for several hours of the day, and anyway, 10 year olds are generally capable of doing a fair bit for themselves. It won't be like having two pre-schoolers to look after.

Surely having her cousin around for a change might help provide a welcome distraction for your DD.

With respect, I think you are making a problem where there is none. Your Mum is putting herself out hugely for both you and your sister. Both grandchildren are obviously equally important to her, so don't be huffy about it.

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/10/2015 20:36

You actually sound like a jealous child. Yabvvu. I can't believe an adult would feel this way. And if you had any decency, you'd suggest your daughter stays at your mothers if you're in labour then, instead of messing her about do much on your whims. Your daughter would be fine. As a nearly mother of two you need to grow up.

Spartans · 04/10/2015 20:39

think it was mean of your sister to arrange her holiday to clash with your likely to go into labour time and complicate your arrangement with your mother.

Why? It's not changing anything for anyone.

InimitableJeeves · 04/10/2015 20:40

But your dd won't be fitting around everyone else's plans, will she? She'll be looked after on her own by your mother overnight and also during the day when her cousin is at school. So she'll only be sharing care first thing in the morning (but won't your df take your niece to school anyway?) and after school. There is every chance that your sister will be back anyway before you have to go to hospital, and also that you will only be in hospital for a day or two. It'll all work out fine.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/10/2015 20:40

Bathtime are you for real?! The op's sister's holiday has literally no effect on anything. How is she being selfish? Surely the op is being selfish by expecting her family to put their lives on hold for her giving birth?

eddielizzard · 04/10/2015 20:42

wow your mum sounds amazing! can you send her round to my place please?

SisterMoonshine · 04/10/2015 20:42

I agree that to help your mum out a bit, you should say that she should do whatever is easiest for her with regards to where they spend the night.

Topseyt · 04/10/2015 20:42

You do know too that it is perfectly possible that your sister is back from wherever she is going before you give birth, don't you?

Not guaranteed of course, but perfectly possible.

What a mountain out of a molehill.

Original poster
Littleyellowboo · 04/10/2015 20:43

Fair enough I probably am bu so will take that. Think I'm over sensitive as mil does nothing for dd and has her other GC every weekend and my DM always looking after dn and although she looks after dd when I go hosp etc i don't have any help if I just wanted a hand like my dsis and sis inlaw.
But won't make DM feel bad she is doing me a huge favour and I have no one else so will not say anything to her.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/10/2015 20:47

Your mother sounds bloody brilliant. You should be thankful, not just holding your tongue so not to upset her. The in law situation has precisely zilch to do with your situation with your mum. Perhaps your sister asks for help and you don't? She doesn't sound like a nasty person if she is looking after your daughter and Your niece.

Are you perhaps just stressing because you are worried about the birth, due to previous experience?

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/10/2015 20:50

Fair play, littleyellow, following your last post I apologise for what I said, I'm guessing you're usually a reasonable person that's just tired and hormonal. Don't stress, everybody will get fed and the roof won't fall in (that was my mantra many moons ago). Flowers

Topseyt · 04/10/2015 20:50

think it was mean of your sister to arrange her holiday to clash with your likely to go into labour time and complicate your arrangement with your mother

Bollocks. I don't even think it complicates things if the OP's mum is able and willing to have both children around. When my sister and I had our third babies we were pregnant at the same time and due on the same date. THAT is complicating things, not someone who has planned a trip away that may or may not coincide with a sibling going into labour. Do we know that it is a holiday? Perhaps it is a business trip and is unavoidable.

In my case my DD3 decided to be born 5 weeks early, which was a little worrying but it did solve the problem for my mother, who came to our house to look after my older two DDs, who were then ages 7 and 3.

RandomMess · 04/10/2015 20:50

There is nothing you can do about MIL, you could ask your DH to point out to his Mum that he feels that your DD is missing out on a relationship with her that her cousins on that side. Similarly you could ask your Mum if she would build a closer relationship with your dc because your feel she and they are missing out.

Flowers
TheStripyGruffalo · 04/10/2015 20:56

Can't your DM come to your house and look after your DD and DN there? Maybe DN will have to have a couple of days off school if not local but it's hardly the end of the world.

Witchend · 04/10/2015 21:07

Suggesting the dn could have a couple of days off school so dm can look after dd at her own house is ridiculous.

I would suspect your dd will love to have her big cousin there to help look after her.

CPtart · 04/10/2015 21:15

The sooner your DD starts learning how to fit in with other people's plans the better IMO. She has a sibling on the way. I get the impression people like being the centre of attention in your house.

MrsMook · 04/10/2015 21:19

I can't see the problem as your Dm can still look after her.

I have no family nearby and my due date clashed with my friend taking a pack of Guides camping. DS's gear was sent over in advance as given the dates he was born, it was highly likely to clash with the birth. We planned for Ds to go anyway as that was the least inconvenient method. I had a due date baby, and DS was very happily camping in a snowy field with a pack of Guides at the time. Not the perfect scenario, but it worked for all.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/10/2015 21:31

MrsMook I actually love your story Smile

BackInTheRealWorld · 04/10/2015 22:03

My mum was on a three week holiday in America on my due date. Luckily I went into labour just after my son went to school so my lovely cousin drove 100 miles to pick him up at the end of the school day and took him back to hers for a few days. And brought him back too so she could meet my new baby. Love her!

Spartans · 05/10/2015 06:30

Why doesn't your mum have your child? Is it to do with age. My mum looked after my dd (now a teen) but by the time I had my second and dbro had his, mum wasn't comfortable or fit enough to look after small children/babies. Once they have all got to around 2 and a half she was able to have them more and she has dbros oldest child (now 3.5) regulary. We don't need her to have ours as we work from home.

Is it that your mum feels ok looking after an older child?