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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel dd's birthday party

57 replies

Puttheheatingon · 04/10/2015 17:00

She'll be 8.

Her behaviour at home is absolutely diabolical. Screams at us, refuses to even attempt to do as she's told, yells, screeches, won't do homework, is vile to her sister and her parents and she makes home life a misery.

I've threatened to cancel if she continues screeching us and hurling abuse at us but she's started up again.

AIBU to carry through with this threat so that she might understand she cannot behave like this?

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 04/10/2015 17:02

How soon is the party? You've threatened to cancel so should follow through, but if she has time to redeem herself and "earn" the party back, that may be the best option.

Doubting · 04/10/2015 17:05

Sounds like she is deeply unhappy. Not sure cancelling her party will help with that! Is this new behaviour?

Puttheheatingon · 04/10/2015 17:05

Next weekend.

After spending all of yesterday afternoon screeching at us and being downright awful to her sister I told her in no uncertain terms that she had to improve her behaviour or I would be cancelling. At this moment, I'm so fed up with her I don't even care about the money I'll lose.

Dh says I'm being harsh. But then he's always been outrageously indulgent with her.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 04/10/2015 17:07

Is there anything underlying here causing the behaviour? The answer to that would determine this surely?

That said, I agree in principle with cancelling (especially since you have already said it to DD), but Hirples idea is good. Is there enough time for her to earn the party back?

Puttheheatingon · 04/10/2015 17:08

Doubting there have been friendship issues at school which the teacher has been dealing with. It's hard to believe she's blameless tbh, her behaviour at home is that appalling

She had a tantrum yesterday as she decided we hadn't bought her anything for her birthday

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2015 17:12

"Improve her behaviour" sounds a bit vague-can you come up with a definitive list of standards she needs to meet and review how she's doing each day? You can make a big fuss of her if she's doing well and tell her what she needs to do to avoid the party being cancelled if she isn't behaving.

Whatever you decide to tell her, make sure you stick to it. Is it worth having a chat with your dh to make sure you're presenting a united front?

DragonMamma · 04/10/2015 17:13

My DD is of a similar age and had a spate of awful behaviour recently - I could have thrown her out of the window and I really didn't like her for a few weeks. Nothing was good enough, her backchat was beyond dreadful and everything was a battle.

So as your DD sounds the same/possibly worse, I say Yanbu.

Puttheheatingon · 04/10/2015 17:15

All we'd like her to do is stop screaming at us.

OP posts:
Doubting · 04/10/2015 17:17

So difficult when faced with tantrum after tantrum. I wouldn't cancel as I think lashing out and tantrums get are most often symptoms of some other problem/difficulty they are going through and therefore wouldn't actually help improve the behaviour. Maybe the friendship issues are troubling her more than you thought? I know one of mine turns into the devil incarnate when she has been ill/stressed/feels insecure or is lacking in sleep.

HirplesWithHaggis · 04/10/2015 17:17

I agree with PurpleDaisies that giving her a clear idea of exactly what behaviour you want to see would help.

As for friendship issues, they're not going to be improved if she throws a strop in front of all of her pals during the party, which sounds a possibility. So cancelling might actually save face.

Devonicity · 04/10/2015 17:17

I think you'd be punishing her friends, too. How about a chart whereby she can earn opening presents on the day (rather than waiting) for good behaviour? Or three behaviours that she has to avoid and each time one of them happens its five minutes earlier bedtime?

I just think you need to be able to do lots of little things rather than one big one.

My one exception would be violence - if she hits or hurts anyone I would be very clear that she would end up sitting outside her own party until she could behave nicely again.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 17:17

Yes I would, she is old enough, if there are no SN issues.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/10/2015 17:27

I have cancelled smaller things when DC around your DD"s age or younger.
I remember cancelling a few karate lessons for DS and think consequences for actions are important.
However I think children also need security and celebrating their birthday including making plans for a party with friends and family is part of that IMHO.
So I'd say you'd like to see less screaming at you between now and next weekend and some appreciation for the things you are doing to help her celebrate her birthday.
Talk to her about what you can do to make it a nice time for everyone so it isn't all about her - maybe get her to help choosing things for party bags and packing the bags if you were thinking of something like that?
Or perhaps she could bake some fairy cakes or brownies to offer to her friends?
HTH Good luck!

IPityThePontipines · 04/10/2015 17:27

Yes, cancel it.

But, you need to put a post-party plan in place and stop your DH being "outrageously indulgent" with her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2015 17:35

"I've threatened to cancel if she continues screeching us and hurling abuse at us but she's started up again."
Then you have to follow through. Cancel the party, let the invitees' parents know ASAP.

"Dh says I'm being harsh. But then he's always been outrageously indulgent with her."
Might this be at the root of your daughter's behaviour? If he indulges her, and maybe indulges her even more quickly when she tantrums, he is effectively teaching her that tantrumming works. Have you any examples of what you consider to be outrageously indulgent?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 17:55

With the risk of sounding like Super nanny, you never use empty threats with children. If you have said to her that you will cancel her party if her behavior does not improve then as hard as it is you have to follow that through.
However there is absolutely nothing wrong in giving her the opportunity to rectify her unwanted behavior. I would say to her calmly and assertively, no ranting and raving. That will achieve nothing. Get down to her level (Height level that is). And look her in the eyes and tell her you are going to give her one more chance to be good or you will be cancelling her party. If her behavior does improve give her lots of praise and encouragement. If however her challenging behavior continues then you must cancel. Yes it will upset her and hurt you, but you need to make her aware that there will be consequences.

Doubting · 04/10/2015 18:01

Hang on. Empty threats are not great but a child's birthday party probably shouldn't be used as a discipline tool. It's her birthday party! It's like cancelling Christmas!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 18:05

Yes as I said I would tell them that I will cancel, if I do not see an improvement in their behaviour, if they still continue, I would cancel, at that age, they are old enough to understand. We would still celebrate their birthday, but without the kids party.

HPsauciness · 04/10/2015 18:09

I completely disagree the party should be cancelled.

For a start, she's having friendship problems, so cancelling a party which might have been an opportunity to have a wider group of friends over, and meet up with the other parents and start building new friends is really a mistake.

Also it's next week, and she's distressed and screaming now, you need to get on top of the situation now. Cancelling next week is a desperate act and basically makes you look like you have no control (which is true to be honest, I have never had any of my children's friends cancel a party ever, I would be quite surprised if we got a cancellation for that reason).

You need to go at this from two angles- a) how can you get to the bottom of what is distressing her so much she is screaming and out of control (which may actually mean more positive attention, reading stories together at night, chatting through the friendship problems, short love-bombing where you actually reconnect with her and stop seeing her just as 'bad' and b) how you can sensibly discipline her right now for bad behaviour and regain control in your own home. For mine, taking away the tablet/computer/TV time altogether, until people speak in a calm way, do not hit others etc works well, but it depends what works for her. If she hits her sister, that's a day on the tablet lost. If she is rude, I'd give a warning, then another day lost.

It needs to be short-term so there are immediate consequences, not vague threats of a party cancellation, which if it were to occur, would be very unlikely to make her behave better, in fact, she will go hysterical at the thought of all the children at school making fun of her, and very unlikely to solve your long-term issues with her.

I don't agree what you threaten you have to do, that works with three year olds but 8 year olds are older and need different and perhaps more sensitive handling IMO.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/10/2015 18:11

I agree Doubting. It's too big a thing IMHO
I think you will be more effective by using smaller consequences but tying these to her behaviour more frequently in a step by step way like the present opening or bedtime scenarios Devonicity suggested
You have to be on her case on a more permanent basis and both of you as much as possible singing from the same hymn-sheet. A few stronger than usual (but not aggressive) words from her father and showing you are a united team on this might well begin to turn things around

HPsauciness · 04/10/2015 18:12

Homework, I would leave to the teacher. Just say to the teacher you have had a lot of difficulty getting her to do the homework and you are not going to attempt it again this week, then leave them to sort it out. In my children's school they have to do it in a lunch club. This usually sorts the situation out.

I think you have had a bad day, she sounds hysterical and overwrought and the best thing to do is to calm it all down and then consider how to best approach it, not hype it up with worse and worse threats (which I have done myself on occasion!)

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 04/10/2015 18:16

birthdays are Really Big Things when you're 8, and it's a very long wait until the next one. i think this would be very harsh indeed.

I'd explain that you've rethought, and cancelling the birthday is a step too far (you could maybe even suggest that you're only carry on so as to avoid being unfair to her friends), but that she remains on thin ice and there will be alternative sanctions.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/10/2015 18:18

Absolutely agree with you too HP and think it's great that you've mentioned all the positive attention, re-connecting with her, and spending more quality time together. It's so easy for things to get into a negative spiral with children's behaviour. You have to catch them being good when you can!

WhetherOrNot · 04/10/2015 18:34

Hang on. Empty threats are not great but a child's birthday party probably shouldn't be used as a discipline tool. It's her birthday party! It's like cancelling Christmas!

By that measure, surely still GIVING her the party is rewarding her bad behaviour Doubting?

Doubting · 04/10/2015 18:47

No. It's celebrating her birthday! Its not a reward. It's a day to show her love not evaluate her behaviour.