To cancel dd's birthday party

[Puttheheatingon]

She'll be 8.

Her behaviour at home is absolutely diabolical. Screams at us, refuses to even attempt to do as she's told, yells, screeches, won't do homework, is vile to her sister and her parents and she makes home life a misery.

I've threatened to cancel if she continues screeching us and hurling abuse at us but she's started up again.

AIBU to carry through with this threat so that she might understand she cannot behave like this?

I don't think the party should go. She's 8. She's mature enough to have her own ideas and too immature to express them appropriately (I have an 8 year old and empathise!)

She needs you to model appropriate conflict resolution. So ignore tantrums and say 'DD, I'm not prepared to discuss this while you're . Once you've calmed down, we can talk about it. Then, when she has, you talk.

It's not a quick fix but it will teach her that reasonable behaviour gets her listened to.

DD2's HT says years 3-4 are the hardest time for girls with friendships. They are just at the point of realising that not everyone is like you and you're not going to like everyone, but not quite at the point of being comfortable with that, so unlike Y5-6, where the girls will happily rub along with someone their not friends with, they have conflict when they don't quite get along.

*they're

I'd give her loads of positive individual attention- when shes being good. Read books to her, play games, etc. The moment she is rude/ starts screaming send her straight out to the naughty chair. Make her stay there for 7 mins, if she continues screaming/ shouting time starts again. She should not be allowed in the same room as anyone else while she is screaming, or be reasoned with. This may take ages when you first do it but eventually will stop and she will start getting better. Shes screaming because she thinks she'll get her own way. You need to make sure that if she is rude/ screams that she never, ever gets her own way. But that she knows she is loves and gets attention when she is good.

About the party- a hard one. Maybe give her a bit more time before cancelling. Really you should follow through, the trick is to never give in- leave it as long as you can but if she is still being awful then you should cancel. But either way, what I wrote above will help the most.

Please don't cancel her party. It's something you can't undo and she will remember forever. Don't mention her party again. Just deal with the situation right now today. Punishment isn't working so go for the opposite. Kill her with kindness. Fill up her tank to the last. Cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. Sometimes you have to call a truce. Tell her you love her. Catch her doing one good thing. Lie in bed beside her and chat. She doesn't deserve it but that's what mums are for. She is going through a hard time and needs your undeserved love.

An 8 year old behaving like this is not the norm - so there must be something else cooking. Some problems at school, issues elsewhere.
If her behaviour is so extreme she is looking for attention. Why does she feel she needs attention?
She kicks off with you because you are her safe place - the only place where she can let off steam and still be loved.
Dig deeper - find out what is causing this,

I agree with June. It's hard when they're little monsters but it sounds like she's struggling to find a way to back down and might need some help.

I think a kid who is being treated badly at school often reflects that to home. She will take it out on all of you because it's fundamentally safe.

Obviously things need to change, but cancelling a birthday just before the event will escalate it all.

How long has she been this way?

Does she even want the birthday party?

Maybe, if she's having friendship issues, cancelling it isn't quite the punishment you think it is.

maybe the friends problem at school is her being told that they are not coming to her party. Ask her if she still wants to have the party and see what she says . If she doesn't then ask her what she wants to do instead? Then if it's still going ok ask her if she can work with you to ensure that what she wants can happen - as you love her and want her to be happy espec on her bday.Good luck op. Hope you get to the bottom of it . As dh he needs to shape up and do his parenting job.

Yikes! I'd come down on her like a sack of bricks, underlying issues/SN or not. There's no excuse to act with that much disrespect towards you.

And... SN kids aren't blithering idiots, they may struggle in certain areas like impulse control or organization, but it doesn't cause them to disrespect you or deliberately misbehave like she is. You may have to adjust your parenting a bit to help set her up for success though with a stricter routine, stricter boundaries, and clear consequences.

Do you have clear expectations of behavior and consequences or do you just make them up on the spot when you lose your temper? Do you and DP shout at each other or back at her (and reinforce the notion that's how you behave when upset)?

I'm not sure cancelling a birthday party is a good ultimatum. If she is struggling to control herself, a punishment that far out is going to be lost on her. Also, celebrating your birth shouldn't be dependent on behavior, otherwise it gives the undertone of "I only feel blessed to have you in my life so long as you conform to my rules". You don't want to teach her that love comes with stipulations, that's not going to give her a healthy outlook on life.

If yelling is the problem, disengage every time she yells. Tell her calmly "We do not yell in this house, we may continue this discussion when you have had a moment to breath", then walk away. Continue to remind her every time she shouts. Don't make it about having the last word or having her submit to your rules. Your biggest goal is repairing your relationship, and as the child she will need your leadership to do it. Then when she's calm, tell her that her behavior is not acceptable in this house and what steps she can take to stop it and what consequences she thinks will be good to help her stop. You might be surprised. Sometimes kids have creative and interesting solutions to their problems and honestly, they have harsher consequences than I'd have in mind when I ask. Then hold her to that.

Make sure your DP is on the same page, because if you both have different expectations she's going to play one against the other.

Put it this way, if I was facing a birthday party with ex-friends I'd fallen out with, I wouldn't be looking forward to it either.

Maybe she feels daft saying that? Or doesn't know how to?

Just an avenue that may be worth considering.

I take it shes just gone into juniors. This is a big deal. My daughter is the same and the transition has been hard, as it is for lots of children. My other two both found going into juniors hard too

I understand its frustrating, but there must be another way of calming the behaviour. I think cancelling a birthday is a huge deal

Don't cancel party. Whatever you do don't cancel it. It's the nuclear option and you need to work on daily things with her.

Build in more treats, not less, and then give her a reason to be good. Then remove them one by one if she breaks your shouting rule etc. For example, have treats like "20 mins reading with mum" "popcorn with telly" "planting bulbs with dad" etc. One tiny thing each day. Then if she breaks the rule, ask for an apology. If it happens again, remove the mini treat.

Every day needs to start afresh at that age. Taking away a birthday party a week hence is mean. She needs to have things to look forward to. You're the creative adult, get some positivity going in her life.

Do you think cancelling the birthday party will stop her behaviour?

If you honestly think cancelling her party will transform her into an angel then go ahead.
She's not being 'rewarded' by having a birthday party. In her head she won't link 'oh I was naughty that's why my party has been cancelled I'd better buck up my ideas'
Consequences have to be immediate. You can't bank them. In all likelihood she won't even remember the behaviour that led to this punishment.
Please PM me if you would like to talk more. I'm no expert on how to solve this but I am trying as I have a similar child.
Consequences are not the way forwar

Thanks all.

We had a good conversation earlier. It turns out as someone suggested that even though the teachers are dealing with the friend problem, on Friday she and the other girl (who isn't actually coming to the party) were made to apologise and hug. Dd didn't want to refuse her teacher but she said that she really doesn't want to be friends with the girl at the moment.

As for the party. I've issued a final warning. And I really will follow through if she carries on friend problems or not.

Don't cancel the party. Just don't.

I don't agree with cancelling the party. But you have given a clear consequence and expectation of behavior. So if it's cancelled she'll at least understand it's because of her behavior and not your just being mean.

Is this typical of her? Do you honestly think this behaviour is as a result of your DH overindulging her? Because if it is then go ahead and cancel.

If it's not then I wouldn't and find another way. This isn't typical 8 year old behaviour and I would be concerned. My DS is coming up for 8 and we struggle with attitude and answering back at times but nothing on this scale. He can be difficult and stroppy (oh how I am dreading the teenage years!) But it's usually down to tiredness or something going on at school. He is having friendship problems at the moment and I too do not think he is blameless but I also don't think he is doing anything that normal kids that age do. He asked me if he could change schools the other day which caught me off guard as he has always loved his school.

I wouldn't underestimate these friendship problems tbh, especially if this is out of character for her.

YABU. I would never cancel a birthday party no matter how bad the behavior, something is causing the behavior and you need to address whatever it is.
Sit down with her when she is behaving in a way that you like and explain that she is lovely company when she's like this and do something fun together. Reward the good behavior instead of punishing the bad.

Don't cancel the party. Don't issue ultimatums that aren't immediate. Eg if you don't get dressed this second the cinema trip is off.
Its a bit awkward because you have issued a 'final warning' if I were you I would renegotiate the final warning BEFORE she misbehaves so that you haven't 'backed down'

Is she getting enough sleep?

Sounds like a horrible situation. Lots of sleep and food seem to curb the worst of my DS' behaviour and help him to deal with situations more reasonably.

I believe in following through with punishments and rewarding positive behaviour.

To earn pocket money my children have to follow our rules. They both get £7 a week.

50p a day to keep bedroom tidy 20p a day to get ready for school 10p for getting ready for bed and 20p for behaviour.

I do follow through and deductions are made.

I'm sorry reading that back sounds rather smug.

There is times DC end up with no pocket money.

Have you thought about lovebombing her. Making her feel more secure and loved, despite her behaviour. If shes insecure at school, she will really need more love from you, even if shes lashing out and being a pain.

If you have sent out invitations I think it is too late to cancel; tell her this, but also that you are going to have a very full and frank discussion immediately afterwards.

Get through the next week as best you can, then really focus on her behaviour; see if there is any cause for such a bad attitude, then make clear your expectations and set some stiff rewards and sanctions in place, and carry them out. (your husband must support you.)