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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to manage people asking questions ?

54 replies

UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 14:13

Sorry for vague title!

DD(4) started school this year. I am a single parent but actually chose to go down this route: as such, DD is the result of fertility treatment with donated sperm.

I have always been honest with her about this but we also know that while it isn't a secret it is private. If DD wishes to share when she's older that's fine.

I have had a lot of questions about DDs father - I have so far fudged things by saying 'oh, she doesn't have a dad!' with a smile. However, a couple of school gate mums have asked - curiously rather than nosily - what happened to him. I have simply kept things vague, along the lines of 'we don't see him' and so on.

Any ideas on how I can deflect the questions without resorting to rudeness? They aren't horrible women at all: I just feel the circumstances surrounding DDs conception aren't mine to share.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 04/10/2015 14:14

This reply has been deleted

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Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 04/10/2015 14:15

"That's a very personal question" with a head tilt. How rude they are. "We don't see him" is fine and much nicer than I would be.

absolutelyloveit · 04/10/2015 14:17

Once you've said 'we don't see him' they are moving from curiosity into nosiness to be honest. If that's not enough for them then it's their problem!

SharkBastard · 04/10/2015 14:17

I had that for 5 years, just used to say "he is not part of our lives, how about blah blahs dad?" And that was that. Didn't bother me though. I have a husband now and no one mentions shit about it, boring!

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 14:19

"We're not together"

Just say ^^ that.

It might be just me, but I find it really really weird that these strangers would question anyone to that extent Confused

It's not like we're living in the 1950s

mumblechum1 · 04/10/2015 14:20

I don't think it's at all rude for people to ask, they're just making small talk.
"We don't see him" is a good emough answer, you can tell them more if and when you wish to do so.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 14:21

The issue is that there is naturally an assumption I was once in a relationship that did not work out so the questions are 'when did you split up with DDs dad?' and so on - hope that makes more sense :)

OP posts:
sproketmx · 04/10/2015 14:22

Tell them you were going through a hard time, got drunk, partied a fair bit then oopsadaisy.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 14:25

In some ways spoke you have addressed the problem - I could come up with any number of answers but I certainly don't want to tell an outright lie.

I'm not ashamed but just the same am very conscious DD may not wish to be known as the child of a sperm donor.

As such I need to indicate to them that questions are not welcome but do so politely as they really are not being nosy (or, Worra, expressing any disapproval, explicitly or otherwise.)

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 04/10/2015 14:28

'when did you split up with DDs dad?'

I would just say "We were never together"

I think this is relatively common these days.

If they push it, I'd say "He doesn't have contact and I've chosen to be single"

Some people are so nosy! I'd never make presumptions about such things, although sometimes I'd love to know, I'd never ask!

Liomsa · 04/10/2015 14:30

They are being incredibly rude, so I wouldn't worry about descending to rudeness in return - surely to Christ even fairly dim school gate acquaintances would grasp that you might not want to share the details of a messily-ended marriage, an ex in jail, or the circumstances by which you were widowed with people you hardly know???

I would take the same position as the adoptive parents I know on this one - that your daughter's origins are her story. The line friends take with their younger children is that it's 'private' information, but not 'secret', and that they can decide who and if they want to tell, and their default line is 'My mummy says I don't have to talk about that if I don't want to.'

To the nosy - and the more I think about it, it's the exact equivalent of the nosy acquaintances who ask prurient questions about exactly what abuse/neglect they presume the birth parents put the adopted child through - I would say pleasantly but firmly 'Why do you want to know?'

Actually, the nice people on the Mn adoption forum might have good advice, as there have been quite a few posts about this kind of thing, only with adoption, rather than donor sperm, as the focus of the nosiness.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 14:32

Strangely enough, I did briefly consider posting on adoption - my desire to have questions quickly answered and the fact DD isn't adopted swayed me to AIBU!

They aren't being rude though, really, it is in context (for example if someone was talking about a friend of theirs who split up with a partner when pregnant they might ask me when I split with DDs dad - it isn't 'just' nosiness.)

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
DoJo · 04/10/2015 14:33

I understand the problem - on the one hand, they are asking the kind of question which would normally not be a problem, and possibly out of concern (many mums who know someone is on their own will go out of their way to make sure they offer to help etc) and you don't want to be rude. But you also don't want to be forced into explaining yourself to people who, after all, you don't really know that well, especially concerning something so personal.

How about 'he's never been on the scene' as a kind of catch-all which suggests that he had not been involved at all and there's nothing more to say?

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 14:35

If you don't want to tell the truth and they don't want to take 'We don't see him' as a final answer...just tell them politely that you don't want to talk about it.

I'm sure they'll get the message because it's not like they really care that much, is it?

I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that it's not going to be a big deal to them either way.

sproketmx · 04/10/2015 14:36

I don't think they're being rude, just curious. The answer I gave before was basically the conception of my twins. People are naturally curious and maybe they're trying to tiptoe around asking if her dad's dead? So they can ask their kids to tiptoe around the why don't you have a dad? Thing so she doesn't get upset.

Was the procedure in this country or could you say she was conceived while you were on a break in... I dunno... ibiza and you didn't really know him.

Sadik · 04/10/2015 14:46

I would have thought "He's not on the scene" is perfectly truthful and should make it clear that you don't want to discuss further.

I really dont' think it's unusual these days for parents to be on their own with a child & not want to discuss it - whether that be because of desertion, death or whatever other reason.

marcopront · 04/10/2015 14:46

Not an answer to your question but ..
I teach in a fairly conservative country and was once asked by a student "How can you have a child if you haven't been married" and my daughter has had to convince her friends her parents never married. Sex education is illegal here.

museumum · 04/10/2015 14:54

Something like "she's never met her father" might be useful info for a friends parent she might spend time with. In case her friends ask her where her as is. It's the sort of question my totally unaware ds might ask a friend and I'd find it helpful to know whether to say "X doesn't have a daddy" or "x's daddy lines in a different house and she visits him at the weekend"
Actually both of those sound too nosey but what do you say to a 3/4 year old?? "We shouldn't ask people about their families" sounds very standoffish.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 14:54

"A couple of mums at the school gste have been asking what's happened to him." Shock.
Is there no limit to how nosey and indeed rude some people are. I wouldn't dream about asking such a personal question.
People. I'll say this for them. They really never do cease to utterly amaze
I reared my dd as an LP and not once did anyone ask me any questions., and if they did the answer would have been mind your own business.

FiveandTwentyPast · 04/10/2015 14:59

Why not just be honest, I don't know about others but I wouldn't be shocked or judge you for using donor sperm.

Your DD is in reception, so you're going to be around these parents for the next seven years, and I'm sure that sometime over the next seven years the fact you used donor sperm will come out. If you tell people now they'll get all their gossiping over and done with long before your DD is aware of that kind of thing, and the issue of who her father is will become a complete non issue as the other parents get to know both you and her.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 15:01

I definitely am not lying, even if only through a comment like 'he lives in Sweden'.

As I've said, I don't think the questions are nosy or rude - they only arrive if in context. For example, a general chit chat about someone splitting with their child's father when pregnant might elicit a comment like 'ooh well, it happens and people cope - how old was DD when you split from her dad, Unlikely?'

It can be a little uncomfortable as misleading people can feel as bad as lying in its way.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 15:03

Five - because that's for DD to tell people as and when she feels she wishes to.

You might not judge but others do! Grin

OP posts:
Ineedtimeoff · 04/10/2015 15:11

My DD was conceived by donor sperm too and we have the same issue. DD is aware of how she was conceived but isn't really old enough to understand fully. Now I do appreciate that some parents ask because it's normal conversational stuff but there are others who ask just to be nosey. I think you can quickly tell who is who.

For us it's a little bit easier because we haven't always lived in the UK so easier for me to say we don't see him and it's not questioned.

I have deliberately mislead people to drop the conversation but they tend to be people that I don't really consider friends and don't envisage being in our lives for any period of time. There are a few parents that are aware of our personal circumstances but they are trusted friends. Of course, I realise that there will be a time when DD will need to talk about her parentage with friends and it will follow that they will discuss it with their families, but that will be in her own time.

DD's teacher was just lovely around fathers day time. She told DD that they were opposites because she doesn't have a mum but does have a dad. That helped DD a lot. She was an amazing teacher.

Please feel free to PM me if you wish to chat.

MrsDeVere · 04/10/2015 15:11

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MrsDeVere · 04/10/2015 15:12

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