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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to manage people asking questions ?

54 replies

UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 14:13

Sorry for vague title!

DD(4) started school this year. I am a single parent but actually chose to go down this route: as such, DD is the result of fertility treatment with donated sperm.

I have always been honest with her about this but we also know that while it isn't a secret it is private. If DD wishes to share when she's older that's fine.

I have had a lot of questions about DDs father - I have so far fudged things by saying 'oh, she doesn't have a dad!' with a smile. However, a couple of school gate mums have asked - curiously rather than nosily - what happened to him. I have simply kept things vague, along the lines of 'we don't see him' and so on.

Any ideas on how I can deflect the questions without resorting to rudeness? They aren't horrible women at all: I just feel the circumstances surrounding DDs conception aren't mine to share.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 04/10/2015 15:12

How about 'oh I chose to go it alone so there's never been another parent on the scene.'

Sparklingbrook · 04/10/2015 15:15

Do people really ask outright? Shock How rude.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 15:19

INeed - I may well do so. Father's Day hasn't presented problems yet as I have a brother so she makes a Father's Day care for a 'father figure' :)

MrsD - thank you too. You are right that sometimes questions do come up naturally in context and I don't want to lie. I think many specialist forums advocate 'total honesty' but I don't want DD to be known as 'daughter of the sperm donor' until she is comfortable with knowing the full implications of sharing this.

Sparkling - it isn't rude when it's in the context of the conversation.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/10/2015 15:22

I agree with we don't really see him now. If they persist say you'd rather not talk about it. That should be enough for most people. I don't think it's a good idea to say by donor sperm if you'd rather not. But if you are happy to say that then fine.. It's up to you in the end.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 04/10/2015 15:24

I have no advice or experience but am just Shock that people are so nosy and have ignored your cues to drop the subject.

It's not like they see couples picking up DC and then ask the mum next time she is on her own - so, is your current fella the DCs father or not? Or maybe they do!!! My friend does have people always asking her if her mixed race DC have different fathers because they look so unalike. They don't, but why do strangers feel they have the right to even ask ?

Sparklingbrook · 04/10/2015 15:24

I would think it very rude whatever the context. Maybe I am old fashioned?

PrincessHairyMclary · 04/10/2015 15:32

I'm a single parent whenever anyone asks (talking about what their DH/DPs do etc) I just say we're on our own. It's very normal in my area so it normally ends there.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 15:34

I don't think it's rude when it's in context of a relevant conversation :) I think you can generally tell when people are being nosy or not.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 04/10/2015 15:50

My default position is that everyone is being nosy. Grin I had a few strange experiences when the DC started school. I was quite shocked at what people that barely know you think it's ok to ask under the guise of being 'friendly'. They would even ask Grandparents at pick up. Small cliquey village school. Sad

Sounds like you are ok with it though so hope you can think of a good answer and they don't keep on grilling you if it's not to their satisfaction.

Melawen · 04/10/2015 16:28

Interesting conversation - I am the same with my DD (not yet at school because she's only nearly four) and I wonder how I'll handle it. As for DDS she hasn't asked much herself but will answer her questions as and when they come up.

Don't quite know what I'll do at the school gate, but as I will be using wrap around care it may not come up that often. But I think will certainly have to think about it so that I'm not caught on the hop!!

lougle · 04/10/2015 16:55

What about 'DD's never met her father'? .

no73 · 04/10/2015 17:12

Why don't you just tell them the truth? I know quite a few people who have done this and also have a friend going through it right now. I don't think it would have occurred to any if them to not be honest about it.

Hufflepuffin · 04/10/2015 17:26

I like "he's never been on the scene'" and if people try to follow up say "it's a bit complicated and I feel like it's not fair to share until DD is old enough to share it herself".

But for any of the "how old was your DD when you split up" type questions (when the general conversation isn't about you) I would repeat "he was never on the scene, but you're right, kids are remarkably resilient, my friend blah blah", because like you say, in those conversations they're not really being nosy so you just need something that keeps the conversation going. In that sort of context saying "it's my daughter's story" makes it a bigger deal that it is!

TheSpottedZebra · 04/10/2015 17:33

Maybe to questions like 'how old was DD...' you could answer 'long story', or similar? Just that, and then silence. That usually stops people asking more. And if they do dig more, then they are being nosy, and you can shut them down more sharply.

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 17:48

That's a good suggestion Huffle, thank you.

no - I don't think I'm not telling the truth - I absolutely don't want to lie. However, ultimately anything unusual becomes a topic for conversation as MrsDeVere mentioned up the thread - 'did you know such-a-child is adopted ... did you know the little girl over there - her mum used a sperm donor to have her.'

In my experience people are rarely being mean (although some are) but it can make your child a source of interest and as a result they stand out, and I think DD needs to be able to be old enough to choose whether or not she wants to stand out or not :)

OP posts:
Supermanspants · 04/10/2015 17:55

How odd.
I was a single parent of twins for 10 years and never had a single question asked about their father. Likewise, two friends of mine who are single parents have never been asked.

Liomsa · 04/10/2015 18:14

With regards to 'why not be honest?', a lot of parents in these circumstances think it's the child's information to disclose as or if they see fit, not theirs. The issue is that, once disclosed in, say, a gossippy school gate environment, that genie can never be put back in the bottle, and the ability to choose to tell trusted or close friends stops being an option later on for the DD.

It's also so situational. Two gay friends of mine are having a baby using donor sperm in London, and it's pretty obvious it will never be a big issue where they live. However, if I had a child the same way in this small village, it would be considered far stranger than the Virgin Birth.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 04/10/2015 18:23

I would say something along the lines, that It is personal or thank you for your concern but I would prefer not to talk about it and change the subject. You are no obligations to discuss it with anyone, so, as long as you are polite in your decline to talk about it, it shouldn't matter to anyone else.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 18:24

Honesty shouldn't even come into it though. People should not be prying. I was always told it was rude to ask questions.

Francoitalialan · 04/10/2015 18:35

"That's a very personal/interesting question. What makes you ask it?" [tilt head to side]

Good for you OP, am always in awe of women who take charge of their lives in the way you have. Happiness to you both Flowers

DoJo · 04/10/2015 19:02

I was always told it was rude to ask questions.

Really? About anything? I would have thought it's much ruder to show no interest in people at all and can't imagine how a conversation would even go if none of those involved ask anything of the others...

partialderivative · 04/10/2015 19:10

It is a very personal question, and one you should not feel obliged to answer at all.

However, I thought your comment in the OP
DD is the result of fertility treatment with donated sperm.

Explains everything, what further questions are required?

Original poster
UnlikelyPilgramage · 04/10/2015 19:19

That's been covered partial

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 04/10/2015 20:05

If you want to keep it private, 'we were never together, he has never been in dd's life'.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/10/2015 20:07

I would never ask, if in doubt I would tread carefully and take my lead from the child (does she mention going to daddy's house, does she say she gave the fathers day gift we made to her uncle?) if I'm not spending time with the child then I don't really need to know do I? If my child asks then I'd go with whatever you'd said "she doesn't see her daddy". Children are likely to ask blunt questions themselves, is your DD confident to respond to such questions?

I do think most people are making small talk or curious rather than nasty. Especially if it's in context of a conversation not just grilling you. They may also want to avoid bringing up a difficult subject if DD comes to tea etc if her dad has died or other difficult situatuons like prison