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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at a longtime friend for vanishing before wedding?

63 replies

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 21:50

One of my best friends from age 13 (I'm 31) has always, as long as I've known her, had significant mental health problems. I love her and she's put up an incredible fight against some brain-demons most of us would rather die than live with.

Which is why this is so hard!

When I started putting together my wedding, the only two people I knew for SURE would be bridesmaids were this woman and my younger sister. I didn't even bother having a maid of honor, because how do you decide between your dearest long-term friend and your only sibling?!

Anyhow, everything was basically going okay, fiance and I (we actually eloped for insurance reasons earlier in the year but no one knows, thanks United States) had arranged to transport her to the wedding destination, arranged a place for her to stay--she is on disability allowance, and doesn't have enough money to finance the trip on her own.

It was all okay until I sent the email to my four bridesmaids about the dress to buy. I sent an extra note with hers (not sent to any of the others) saying we would of course be happy to pick up the tab for the dress and to please let me know her measurements.

All the other bridesmaids got back to me and have their dresses. She has gone completely missing! Well, no, that's not true, because ...

The day before yesterday, I received an online RSVP from her that said "not attending" to both the wedding and reception. My bridesmaid! :(

I sent her an email saying I hoped it was in error and that if she has any issues flaring up, I totally get it and love her and just want her to be happy--and that she doesn't have to come to my wedding OR be a bridesmaid to be my friend, as I do understand how hard she struggles.

She hasn't responded at all. It's probably too late for her to even get her dress now, I'm scrambling for an extra bridesmaid so we won't have an uneven number of wedding attendants, and we're having to reprint all the programs. I honestly wouldn't even mind so much, but why just send the RSVP instead of telling me what was going on? I even tried to reach out via email and got nothing, and it just makes me so upset. We've always been so close, why would she pick now to skip out on my life? To my knowledge, she likes my partner, so that's not it. I just am at a loss and dealing with feelings of disappointment and anger. Should I get over it and just deal because of my friend's MH issues, or is this something that merits her knowing how disappointed this made me feel once we're talking again (which I'm sure we will be, this is so unlike her!)?

OP posts:

usual · 01/10/2015 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 21:59

I don't get this. I remember another poster (unless it was you?) talking about a similar thing. You are actually married already, yet you're going through a ceremony? Do the people know you're married now?

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:01

We haven't told any of the family that we eloped. In the United States you can easily be without health insurance without marrying, so when one of us got a plum job, we did it quietly in a courthouse. But he has a large and religious family we're attempting to accommodate--they'll go crazy if there's not a big to-do. I'd have been content with the smallest wedding imaginable, but his family insists we do the whole grand thing and it's frustrating on a number of levels.

FWIW, the friend didn't know there was already an elopement--we very much feel like our ceremony coming up is "the real thing" and the elopement ceremony was just a matter of necessity.

OP posts:

DoJo · 01/10/2015 22:03

Until you know why she is unable to attend, I don't think there's much point worrying about how to address the matter once you are talking again - I would be more concerned about tracking her down and checking she's ok.

I also wouldn't bother worrying about uneven bridal party numbers or programme re-print - nobody else will care about those things and doing it all will make you more resentful of her non-attendance. I hope she's ok...

lushaliciousbob · 01/10/2015 22:05

I'm confused... had she already agreed to be bridesmaid ? It isn't clear from your post! If she hadn't already said if she was coming then why did you put her in the programs ? And why does it matter if you have 3 bridesmaids. It's obviously frustrating and sad that she's become distant but I think the 2 issues are separate!

PotteringAlong · 01/10/2015 22:05

Have you called the police? Are you sure she is still alive? Because my first thought is that her demons have finally beaten her.

LadyLonely1 · 01/10/2015 22:05

As you said she has significant mh issues, seems like she's struggling with something right now. Yes it is disappointing to be let down at the last minute but there must be something going on now for her to just drop you.

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:06

I know she's ok because I've had a mutual friend make sure she's alive and well (or as well as she generally is). I think she's avoiding the issue...my inclination is that she realized she would be very anxious at the wedding, and decided vanishing was an easier route than talking about it. I have half a suspicion she will turn up the week after the whole rigamarole is done...

OP posts:

LadyLonely1 · 01/10/2015 22:06

And agree with pp, that someone should check on her to make sure she is ok.

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/10/2015 22:07

The most likely explanation is that her mental health has deteriorated. What else are you thinking might be going on?

Just have an uneven number of attendants and leave the programmes as they are. If people ask, they can be told she was unwell on the day.

In her position I would feel nervous talking to you about it. The programmes, numbers of attendants don't really matter, yet it feels like you are focusing on them rather than why your friend has disappeared.

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:08

Good advice about the bridal party stuff. You're probably right, I mostly worry because of DH-to-be's family. They practically went apocalyptic because we were planning to spend the morning after our wedding in bed together, rather than hosting a brunch for all the guests about to leave town.

OP posts:

Queenbean · 01/10/2015 22:09

usual that's not very nice, op is clearly worried about her friend

Op, I would say that your friend is hugely overwhelmed by all the pressure (whether it's true or not, that's probably how she has interpreted it). She is aware of how much she will owe you, money wise, how much she needs to put on a show, be there for you, how everyone will be looking at her. I think she's massively freaked out and isn't sure how to tell you so has gone down the easiest route.

I think it's worse to scramble and get a new bridesmaid - for both the new one who is clearly a last minute thought and your friend who will be even more hurt to know that you've sprung for someone else. You just need to be there for her, patient and kind and accept that she may be back. Perhaps send her a message saying you understand she might not want to be a bridesmaid but you'd love for her to be there. Can you call her?

bittapitta · 01/10/2015 22:10

Sadly I have a friend like this and I would also be paranoid - like Pottering suggests you could phone your friend's family (if on good terms) to make sure she is okay - or at worst the police (ask for a welfare check). It looks like she is uncomfortable with being at your wedding but she might even be overwhelmed by the whole thing and feeling very unsettled.

TamaraLamara · 01/10/2015 22:11

YABU to be annoyed at someone with MH issues for taking themselves out of what sounds like a bloody circus.

Why do DH's family get to demand that a wedding be held to their precise specifications? Tell them that you're already married and have your own celebration your own way.

Griphook · 01/10/2015 22:11

It must have been so hard for your friend to let you down, when she signed up to be a bridesmaid she probably thought she could do it, it probably seemed such a long way away. As the time has grown nearer it played on her mind, to the point where she felt the best course of action would be to turn down your invite.

I think I'd be more worried about her mh than whether ypu had equal
Numbers. Show her it's her friendship you value.

I'd be concerned if you haven't heard from her too

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:11

I think I mentioned above, I've already sent her an email saying I'm ok if she wants to come but not be a bridesmaid, and ok if she doesn't want to come at all--my email to her was a worry and a "please be okay and I love you no matter what you want your level of involvement to be," not a "come or else"!

It's really only after she didn't reply to that email (and I verified that she's ok and talking to people normally, etc., through mutual friends) that I started to be miffed. Until then, I was just worried. Now I feel like it's just weird and maybe kind of crap for her not to respond.

OP posts:

bittapitta · 01/10/2015 22:12

Ah Xpost. I agree with hopelessly that you're focusing on the wrong little details, your friendship matters more than the programmes right?

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:13

Well, if the consensus is I'm BU (easy to do with wedding planning when everyone around you is being unreasonable too), that's fine! I asked to know.

OP posts:

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:14

(And I'm glad I came here before talking about it to others, because I needed the distance perspective. Too hard to do it when everything is all pressure-ful at once! If my MIL is pissed off that a groomsman has to walk without a bridesmaid, so be it...I'm sure I'll do other things to piss her off over time, too.)

OP posts:

TamaraLamara · 01/10/2015 22:14

Also, aren't you going to have to 'fess up to be married anyway? Is it legal to go through a second ceremony when you're already married?

Griphook · 01/10/2015 22:15

Having been in a similar situation she must feel incredibly gulity and self esteem Rock bottom. I think she's just avoiding the whole thing.

Yanbu to be upset though

HortonWho · 01/10/2015 22:16

Didn't you discuss this with her? Did she feel she would be able to handle it? Was there an exit strategy if she wasn't? If you know she has serious health issues, why place her under stress and set her up to fail you? Surely you both had to consider this exact scenario and discussed it?

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:16

Quite legal, here at least! My grandparents even did it at one point when they had trouble getting a certificate copy from one jurisdiction without showing up in person. What would be illegal is holding yourself out as married to two different people. As long as it's the same couple, it's legal to get a second set of papers.

OP posts:

bittapitta · 01/10/2015 22:17

FWIW I agree this kind of behaviour is annoying BUT I always kick myself when I think that because I am pretty sure my friend of a similar ilk is not doing it to play mind games with me, rather is genuinely distressed.

TamaraLamara · 01/10/2015 22:17

I'm sure I'll do other things to piss her off over time, too

Like already being secretly married. Are you genuinlely going to go through with a second wedding and not tell anyone that you're already married?

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