To be mad at a longtime friend for vanishing before wedding?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

One of my best friends from age 13 (I'm 31) has always, as long as I've known her, had significant mental health problems. I love her and she's put up an incredible fight against some brain-demons most of us would rather die than live with.

Which is why this is so hard!

When I started putting together my wedding, the only two people I knew for SURE would be bridesmaids were this woman and my younger sister. I didn't even bother having a maid of honor, because how do you decide between your dearest long-term friend and your only sibling?!

Anyhow, everything was basically going okay, fiance and I (we actually eloped for insurance reasons earlier in the year but no one knows, thanks United States) had arranged to transport her to the wedding destination, arranged a place for her to stay--she is on disability allowance, and doesn't have enough money to finance the trip on her own.

It was all okay until I sent the email to my four bridesmaids about the dress to buy. I sent an extra note with hers (not sent to any of the others) saying we would of course be happy to pick up the tab for the dress and to please let me know her measurements.

All the other bridesmaids got back to me and have their dresses. She has gone completely missing! Well, no, that's not true, because ...

The day before yesterday, I received an online RSVP from her that said "not attending" to both the wedding and reception. My bridesmaid! :(

I sent her an email saying I hoped it was in error and that if she has any issues flaring up, I totally get it and love her and just want her to be happy--and that she doesn't have to come to my wedding OR be a bridesmaid to be my friend, as I do understand how hard she struggles.

She hasn't responded at all. It's probably too late for her to even get her dress now, I'm scrambling for an extra bridesmaid so we won't have an uneven number of wedding attendants, and we're having to reprint all the programs. I honestly wouldn't even mind so much, but why just send the RSVP instead of telling me what was going on? I even tried to reach out via email and got nothing, and it just makes me so upset. We've always been so close, why would she pick now to skip out on my life? To my knowledge, she likes my partner, so that's not it. I just am at a loss and dealing with feelings of disappointment and anger. Should I get over it and just deal because of my friend's MH issues, or is this something that merits her knowing how disappointed this made me feel once we're talking again (which I'm sure we will be, this is so unlike her!)?

Ooof, reman. That's hard.

I am still not looking forward to explaining her sudden departure to my mother, particularly (who has hated my friend since our school days). I'll be telling everyone she was suddenly sick, but I know my mother will not believe it (and will probably figure out something close to the truth, given how much she's seen of the friend over the years, but with a hearty side of "that girl isn't good enough to be your friend and if I were you I'd never talk to her again"--my mother doesn't understand that my friendships aren't negotiable!).

I hope you were able to still celebrate and be happy, reman. I guess everyone's wedding has a bizarre occurrence or two, just keeps everyone on their toes. I'm going to just not take it personally and move forward with the planning!

In the USA which I presume is where the OP still is you cover your plate (and bridesmaids buy their own dresses etc) that is why I think honesty is required.

Oh, lord, no, people don't pay for their plate at weddings here! The average wedding in the US costs around $20,000-25,000 and a huge amount is because caterers seem to double their charges for weddings. It's a racket.

Bridesmaids do usually pay for their dresses, which is why I kept mine to $60 with a coupon. Thrifty!

You're getting a hard time here OP. Of course it's not unreasonable to be worried but also peeved at your friend.

I know this doesn't seem like an option to you, but I'd keep the arrangements (programme, attendants) as is. If she doesn't show up on the day, so be it. If anyone asks about her name in the program (which seems unlikely) you can just tell them that something came up and she couldn't be there.

Hope the wedding goes well, congratulations, and don't worry about the "false pretences" bleating going on xx

Personally I'd have no issue with attending a wedding where the bride and groom were already married secretly. If friends ask me to be there on a day they consider meaningful, I try to be there. I don't think it's rude not to attend a brunch the morning after either, no need to and I wouldn't expect to see bride and groom at one of those.

As for your friend, I think on the whole YANBU but I can understand why she's done this. MH is so difficult, and I doubt it's personal. Like you say, don't let it damage your connection and rise above it. I can understand why you may feel a bit hurt though.

But she is sick. I think the pressure of it may have got to her and she just can't cope. Please don't think of her being sick as being a bad person.

I don't know why people are making such a big fuss about you having a civil wedding then a church wedding. Loads of people do it, I did it SIL did it. In some countries including France it's the only way you can do it because Church weddings aren't recognised by the state.

Yes do continue to enjoy the planning! And fingers crossed this will be by far the most dramatic bit about your wedding !

"
I don't know why people are making such a big fuss about you having a civil wedding then a church wedding. Loads of people do it, I did it SIL did it. In some countries including France it's the only way you can do it because Church weddings aren't recognised by the state."
This!

There are couples who quietly do the legal thing and then have the wedding ie. big celebration another time. There could be any number of reasons for doing it that way. I don't see what the big deal is.

I frequently agree to do things with or for friends. I am fine with it until it is imminent and then all my fears and anxieties have a party in my head just before it happens. I generally can push on through but I can see how some of those situations can suddenly be insurmountable. And rather than risk being talked around it's easier to hide.
I hope your wedding goes well.

I understand it may be a relapse of her mental health issues, but I still think it is very rude not to reply to your email.

Yep, off the top of my head Keira Knightley and George Clooney did it. You have to do it in France and in Italy if the Church you wish to marry in is non-Catholic or you're Muslim, Jewish etc.

Crystal, she's probably not replying not to be rude but because she can't because it will cause her such a high level of anxiety. She probably hasn't even read it if she's having a crisis. To her it wouldn't be as if she had flu and she just couldn't be bothered to reply. It would be more like having your fingers broken and lost your voice so she just can't reply because she's too sick.

Gosh there is a lot of 'livid' bleating about this. LOL

First, I'd go ahead with whatever party you have planned, it is your wedding party after all.
The signing of the register is just that, not the actual witnessing by family and friends or anything, so I think you're perfectly legit to have a party as well as the legal stuff- in France you sign the register in the town hall before any religious wedding. This case is no different, just that there's a bit more of a time lag.

Second, this is the U.S. Of A where things are different, not like the good old UK, so cool your jets about it all. It's a bit like a fox in a coop.

Third, I'd not change a thing about the programmes, I bet your pal will come to the wedding, my bet is that she's a bit freaked now, but she'll arrive last minute and be fine- and if not, she'll feel included when she reads it.

You seem to be very accommodating of her, and willing to nurture the relationship, so no worries there, as you know from other friends she's fine.

Have a lovely day, and good luck being assertive in your new in law family!
You may need to practice, "no is a full sentence"