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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at a longtime friend for vanishing before wedding?

63 replies

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 21:50

One of my best friends from age 13 (I'm 31) has always, as long as I've known her, had significant mental health problems. I love her and she's put up an incredible fight against some brain-demons most of us would rather die than live with.

Which is why this is so hard!

When I started putting together my wedding, the only two people I knew for SURE would be bridesmaids were this woman and my younger sister. I didn't even bother having a maid of honor, because how do you decide between your dearest long-term friend and your only sibling?!

Anyhow, everything was basically going okay, fiance and I (we actually eloped for insurance reasons earlier in the year but no one knows, thanks United States) had arranged to transport her to the wedding destination, arranged a place for her to stay--she is on disability allowance, and doesn't have enough money to finance the trip on her own.

It was all okay until I sent the email to my four bridesmaids about the dress to buy. I sent an extra note with hers (not sent to any of the others) saying we would of course be happy to pick up the tab for the dress and to please let me know her measurements.

All the other bridesmaids got back to me and have their dresses. She has gone completely missing! Well, no, that's not true, because ...

The day before yesterday, I received an online RSVP from her that said "not attending" to both the wedding and reception. My bridesmaid! :(

I sent her an email saying I hoped it was in error and that if she has any issues flaring up, I totally get it and love her and just want her to be happy--and that she doesn't have to come to my wedding OR be a bridesmaid to be my friend, as I do understand how hard she struggles.

She hasn't responded at all. It's probably too late for her to even get her dress now, I'm scrambling for an extra bridesmaid so we won't have an uneven number of wedding attendants, and we're having to reprint all the programs. I honestly wouldn't even mind so much, but why just send the RSVP instead of telling me what was going on? I even tried to reach out via email and got nothing, and it just makes me so upset. We've always been so close, why would she pick now to skip out on my life? To my knowledge, she likes my partner, so that's not it. I just am at a loss and dealing with feelings of disappointment and anger. Should I get over it and just deal because of my friend's MH issues, or is this something that merits her knowing how disappointed this made me feel once we're talking again (which I'm sure we will be, this is so unlike her!)?

OP posts:

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:20

Horton, it's weird, we DID discuss it. She even seemed quite excited toward the beginning, and gave no indications that her feelings on the matter had changed through a lot of conversations. At the start of it, I made sure she was involved in decisions that would potentially impact her, and we talked about her potential sore spot issues (i.e. she has some OCD issues so we got a bridesmaid dress design that would accommodate her issues, don't want to go into specifics but it involved significant changes). I will say that sudden "flaking out" from events and resurfacing is something she has totally done beforeand lost friends over who were not as long-termbut never for something so important. Usually, she steels herself up for important things and lets the small ones go, which is why I felt so weird.

But it's also true that she's got a ton of hard stuff going on in her head, and I can't really get in and see it. So I will just have to chalk this up to a piece of our friendship that isn't ideal but doesn't hurt our overall connection in the long run.

OP posts:

jorahmormont · 01/10/2015 22:22

YANBU to be upset, you've had a few snippy answers but that always tends to happen on wedding threads, particularly in AIBU.

Your in laws sound... interesting, to say the list.

Hope your friend gets in touch and feels able to explain it to you; you seem very understanding and a very good friend. Best of luck with your wedding and congratulations :)

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:23

Tamara, I see no reason not to! In any civilized country we wouldn't be married yet. It's only because of the insane laws around healthcare here that we had to. Our wedding date was set a year in advance, the venue already rented, when we found out about the new job and some new healthcare concerns that would make getting married our only option if we didn't want to be flat broke when we started our married life.

Be glad you live somewhere with good healthcare, is the moral of the "not telling anyone about your elopement" story. People do crazier things here for health insurance all the time. You should hear some of the stories!

OP posts:

MardyBra · 01/10/2015 22:24

"They practically went apocalyptic because we were planning to spend the morning after our wedding in bed together, rather than hosting a brunch for all the guests about to leave town."

How rude of you.

reman · 01/10/2015 22:26

I could have written this! Mine didn't show to the dress rehearsal.. couldn't get hold of her and have heard nothing since….

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:28

Ha, Mardy, I do hope you're being sarcastic...I am not much of a "weddings" person, I have always been a bit miserable at them and am not good at figuring out what's normal for them and what isn't. Now I'm paranoid that IABU about the brunch, too!

(our solution to the brunch issue was to tell MIL that if she wanted a brunch so badly she and FIL could do it themselves and we'd show up fairly late. We were a bit shocked when they actually called that bluff and followed through to plan the brunch!)

OP posts:

TamaraLamara · 01/10/2015 22:29

Tamara, I see no reason not to!

I get that this isn't the point of your post, but doesn't it make you uncomfortable to deceive all of your family and friends by pretending that you're not already married?

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:30

ooof, reman, you make me honestly glad this happened now and not a month from now when it's the dress rehearsal. I'd have been frantic during the rehearsal/ceremony and unable to enjoy it if I had been worried my friend had hurt herself and couldn't find out from mutual friends for a day or so (about how long it took this time) whether she was okay.

I guess it could always be worse. And hey, at least she IS okay, so there's that.

OP posts:

jorahmormont · 01/10/2015 22:32

Why do they need a brunch? Surely after a wedding you just grab a Maccies breakfast or a sausage sandwich from a suspicious-looking roadside cafe? ah well at least MIL and FIL are sorting it out instead

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:32

Tamara, I don't think it's much of a deceit, particularly. Are you saying we should have let all our family and friends in on very personal healthcare details the moment we realized we had an urgent need for insurance? Because telling people we'd eloped when the venue was already reserved would mean answering a slew of questions about why it had happened, and those questions very quickly lead to personal places that aren't anyone's business to know about unless we specifically choose to tell them.

OP posts:

seagreengirl · 01/10/2015 22:34

How rude of you.

Not rude at all actually. It used to be the thing that the bride and groom disappeared into the sunset after the reception, in a car with lots of tin cans on it. Now they are expected to hang around and entertain people the next morning as well!!

tedhis · 01/10/2015 22:36

This isn't a wedding- its a party. I would be livid to be invited under false pretences- have you considered this?

Mumite · 01/10/2015 22:37

To be honest in your shoes when I received the online "not attending" notice, I would have replied with three words only: "Are you ok?"
And I would have called or visited the friend - is visiting possible - rather than email if poss.
It would be very predictable for someone with mental health problems to have to pull out of such a big event, for all number of reasons. I'm sure you were delighted when your friend wanted to be bridesmaid but there must have been a part of you anticipating this however excited / sure your friend seemed.
I wouldn't judge you but I think if your friend had any inkling that you were considering stopping being friends over this she would be deeply hurt and liable not to trust you in future.

TamaraLamara · 01/10/2015 22:38

Are you saying we should have let all our family and friends in on very personal healthcare details the moment we realized we had an urgent need for insurance?

No, not at all. You could tell people that you're married without having to tell them all of that. It's no one's business why you did it, and you don't have to justify it or explain your reasons to anyone.
But keeping it secret and then getting 'married' in front of everyone would make me very uncomfortable.

jorahmormont · 01/10/2015 22:40

I would be livid to be invited under false pretences

Yes, how dare you invite people to be fed and watered by you and have a good time at your expense OP? How very selfish of you!

If someone was really livid at being invited to a party without being told the ins and outs of someone's health insurance needs requiring them to elope, they need to get a life.

Original poster

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/10/2015 22:42

" I think if your friend had any inkling that you were considering stopping being friends over this she would be deeply hurt and liable not to trust you in future."

Never said I'd do that--just wondered if it was worth sharing my hurt/disappointment over it with her, or if I should just suck it up! She's in my life for good, no matter what.

OP posts:

RattusRattus · 01/10/2015 22:43

reach out via email - this. Just call her or visit her. If you think something is wrong with a friend as close as this email isn't the medium to reach out with.

As for number of attendants and order of service - mere details. Don't waste another second (or another dollar) on them.

DinosaursRoar · 01/10/2015 22:45

yes, surely that's why in previous generations there was a 'going away outfit' - B&G got changed and left that evening, were waved off on honeymoon, the party continued without them. Now most people don't go away that night and enjoy the whole wedding party, but it shouldn't be a given you'll host another event for everyone the following day.

Plus in many parts of the world, religious ceremonies aren't legally binding, so couples have a civil court/town hall service as well, sometimes on the same day, often not.

Anyway, back to your issue, no emergancy bridesmaids, or reprinting, your bridesmaid is unwell and unable to travel to attend. That will do for extended family, this stuff happens.

Be kind, she's probably feeling like shit. MH issues can make you do stuff that is hurtful to others. You aren't wrong to be hurt, but you would be wrong to think she set out to hurt you. I guess you thought after being there for her when she needed you, she's be there for you when you needed her, but it doesn't work that way with someone who's struggling like she is.

DoJo · 01/10/2015 22:45

I would be livid to be invited under false pretences- have you considered this?

Why would you be livid? What difference does it make to the guests?

DoJo · 01/10/2015 22:45

I would be livid to be invited under false pretences- have you considered this?

Why would you be livid? What difference does it make to the guests?

MidniteScribbler · 01/10/2015 22:46

I get that this isn't the point of your post, but doesn't it make you uncomfortable to deceive all of your family and friends by pretending that you're not already married?

Oh FFS, get over it.

reman · 01/10/2015 22:46

I understand everything you have said. I know she has had mental healthy problems in the past and like you discussed being bridesmaid and she was so excited. It has been 6 months and still no word since not showing up at dress rehearsal. I have given up trying to contact as wasted hundreds on her (dress / makeup/hair/shoes/accessaries/hotel) all which I could not get refunded along with all the other stuff you will know about (coordination of bridesmaids, stress/worry of not knowing if she is going to show or not etc etc)

Mutal friends have no idea why she suddenly vanished and a couple of her have spoken to her since but are none the wiser. All very odd but at the end of it (much easier said then done) at least you know and can plan the wedding without her. I figured at the end of the day I wasn't going to let her ruin my wedding and pretended I wasn't mourning the fact I had lost my closest friend .. reasons unknown to me.

TamaraLamara · 01/10/2015 22:47

Oh FFS, get over it.

Any need for that? Why so rude?

shadowfax07 · 01/10/2015 22:48

YANBU to worry about your friend, but given what you've said about her, I wouldn't share your disappointment until she brings it up. Even then I'd suggest that you tread very gently.

Could either the last or first bridesmaid down the aisle be accompanied by two groomsmen, would that look less odd than one walking down on his own?

WorzelsCornyBrows · 01/10/2015 22:50

You're best to assume she's having some sort of MH issue, make sure she has help and focus on your wedding.

YABVVVVVVVU to ask someone to be a bridesmaid just so you don't have an uneven number!

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