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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my husband he is being "fucking silly"?

150 replies

Oakmaiden · 01/10/2015 11:36

Because I did. And now he is stroppy because I was rude to him. But he was being fucking silly - and actually saying that was a lot milder than what I wanted to say.

Oh. You want context. Really? You can't just all agree with me?

We are overdrawn. Hooray. 3 days after payday. Which is unsurprising since I have been out of work for 3 months, and it is only just starting to pick up now. Dh never checks the accounts, but since I have worked out we have £90 to last until next Friday (not counting bills, which are all covered - this is food and spending money) I thought I had better let him know. In case he decides to buy himself something. So I let him know. I also said that it was not going to be a problem, because we have food in the house and as long as we aren't extravagant then we have money to get enough to last us.

I hate having to discuss money with him, though. Because he always overreacts. So he keeps texting me saying "he feels sick thinking about it" etc. And then the corker "Maybe I should just stop eating".

I bloody hate the way he has to overreact about these things and turn everything into a bloody drama. Maye I should just stop eating. I measn, ffs, that is supposed to be helpful?

I think saying "Don't be fucking silly" was quite mild, actually.

I now await your agreement. I am only posting so you can all vindicate my point of view. Obviously.

OP posts:
PurpleHairAndPearls · 01/10/2015 13:01

Sorry, that should say as long as the DC AREN'T spoilt ffs

howabout · 01/10/2015 13:09

YANBU

Sounds like your DH has slippy shoulders where financial responsibility is concerned. He doesn't check the accounts but gets all upset when you tell him how much you both don't have. If he worries he should start showing an interest, budgeting and looking to save a cushion. Suspect given you are more relaxed about things this might annoy you more though.

I reckon speaking frankly with each other including the odd expletive saves a lot of pent up problems later, as long as he is allowed to be equally rude.

Duckdeamon · 01/10/2015 13:10

His reaction was unhelpful but nor was it helpful or justified to swear at him. You sound dismissive of his (and the DCs') concerns about money and are implying that they're overly materialistic for feeling the way they do and that you're somehow superior.

Are you and DH in agreement about plans for your working/not working?

Booyaka · 01/10/2015 13:11

He has slippy shoulders for financial responsibility? What about responsibility for earning it in the fucking first place?

howabout · 01/10/2015 13:15

I take your point Booyaka but it is a problem if you earn NMW and would prefer to spend like Beckham.

SideOrderofChips · 01/10/2015 13:17

Yes he is being fucking silly

We've had less to do a week. DH tries to panic. Gets told to man up

Gruntfuttock · 01/10/2015 13:20

If the sexes were reversed and the working wife was anxious about the money situation and the husband at home told her she was "fucking silly" for worrying, the replies would be very different indeed.
Calm discussion is what is needed here, not being dismissive and verbally abusive about financial concerns.

Booyaka · 01/10/2015 13:25

It's amazing isn't it?

I work and me and the kids are worried about money, we're £90 away from our overdraft limit and I worry what will happen if we have an emergency. I support DH to have a working pattern where sometimes there is no work, I shoulder all responsibility for earning In those periods, he says my worries are 'fucking silly' and offers no solutions.

Mumsnet: That's financial abuse LTB.

Woman: I don't care we're only £90 away from the limit we can borrow even though I know DH and the kids are worried about the situation. I'm not working and he is supporting me until work picks up.

Mumsnet: Tell him to man up, what a baby.

ForalltheSaints · 01/10/2015 13:28

Your comment is perfectly valid.

Worth finding out why he has a blindspot about money if that is the case. Is Maths a struggle for him, or some other reason- I have wondered if there are some people who struggle to manage money, just as there are some who can never manage time.

JohnCusacksWife · 01/10/2015 13:29

Booyaka, very nicely put!

Chopchopbusybusy · 01/10/2015 13:30

Completely agree with gruntfuttock and booyaka. If the roles were reversed the replies would be very different.
I think your DH is being a bit melodramatic and you've been very rude to him. If I were him I know if be feeling hurt and let down by you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/10/2015 13:31

"Maybe I should stop eating" is a fucking silly thing to say. Yanbu with that.

Worrying about money is horrible though.

JohnCusacksWife · 01/10/2015 13:31

Is Maths a struggle for him

Or perhaps he understand that being in debt 3 days after payday is not a very safe position to be in?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/10/2015 13:31

She is working though. She's working today.

EponasWildDaughter · 01/10/2015 13:33

'Man up', 'Big girls blouse', 'Drama queen' - a bit misogynistic, all these insults?

It sounds like something said while feeling a bit down and despairing - he said he feels sick thinking about it. The 'maybe i just wont eat' - if my DH said this things i'd assume he was feeling pretty shitty about the situation and was just letting off steam.

I wouldn't tell him he was being fucking silly.

Sometimes i tell DH i feel like one day i'm going to actually drown in dirty laundry. I don't mean it, of course, and i'm not attacking him - i'm expressing my pissed off 'ness. If DH told me not to be fucking silly i'd be even more pissed off.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/10/2015 13:36

Booyaka, try:-

Woman: I'm trying my hardest to find work, with some success and a few jobs, but it's worrying because there isn't much about. DH is making me feel so guilty I'm not bringing more money in, and his comments about "maybe he shouldn't eat" are making me feel so awful I snapped at him.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 13:49

Through but the OP isnt trying her hardest to find work. She is a supply teacher and her work is sporadic, they both know this. The DH is clearly bothered by this and the OP isnt, thats the issue.

But instead of wondering what she can do to alleviate their money problems , she just slags off her DH for worrying!

Yes, being almost at the limit of your overdraft within 3 days of pay day is not a good place to be. As a qualified teacher there are a lot of things that she could do to up her income and as she hasnt mentioned trying any of those things, we can safely assume that she isnt.

Deathtomoonsand · 01/10/2015 13:49

'Good idea, and I will sell all our clothes on eBay tomorrow and we can get around in our dressing gowns'

Tbf, the op doesn't say that her children are worried about money, just that they don't think they should do without fancy holidays and expensive gadgets.

DinosaursRoar · 01/10/2015 13:52

But the OP doesn't think their situation is anything to panic about. She's not worried, she thinks it's ok because they don't need stuff really and they "have £90", whereas her DH probably views it as "we have spent all our money and can only borrow another £90, but that's another £90 of debt that it's not clear we can pay back without being back in the overdraft next month".

While it might be that he has "NMW job, Beck's tastes" it could be he has a relatively OK job and spending habits that would be perfectly acceptable for someone in his position if they weren't in a bit of a financial mess.

It does read like the OP thinks her DH is being silly not just for saying he wouldn't eat, but silly for being panicked by their financial situation at all. That it's ok to have nothing and he's wrong for worrying. Most people would worry to realise they were in such a mess financially. Most people would panic further to discover their DP didn't think this was a problem.

OP - it is not normal to live so outside your means that you not only spend all your money by 3 days after payday, but are nearly at the limit of your overdraft. Living within your means would be only going into your overdraft in an emergancy, not be at the limit of it every month.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/10/2015 13:56

Bogey you are making a huge assumption about what the op is thinking. We don't know she isn't bothered at all about it. She probably is. And she must have been working constantly because she's referred to being out of work for 3 months, meaning it is unusual, the assumption being that she was in work before that. Posters are trying to give an impression of lazy arsed op laying back on the sofa polishing her nails without a care in the world while husband works his fingers to the bone. I don't think its like that.

And saying what he said is fucking silly. How helpful is that? Maybe he should offered to sell both kidneys as well.

Deathtomoonsand · 01/10/2015 13:57

I read it as though the op has a job now and that things will improve. That they have £90 available and that that will see them over this tough spot.

If he wants to have an honest conversation about how they might be able to change things so they have more income in the long term, that's reasonable. Descending into a puddle of hyperbole isn't.

Backforthis · 01/10/2015 14:01

The not eating thing is ridiculous but I would hate to be in a situation where I was living off my overdraft. I'd also resent it if my DP was only working part time and then saying that living that way and doing without overseas holidays and gadgets was fine because those things don't matter to them.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 14:01

And she must have been working constantly because she's referred to being out of work for 3 months, meaning it is unusual,

Not so. She said that she is a supply teacher and there is never any work over the summer, so this is not a new thing. I am questioning why she is taking such a laissez faire attitude over something she could have planned for. As I said above, if she saved 10% of her income each month and did tutoring during the holidays then she could earn at least a proportion of what they lose when the supply work isnt available.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/10/2015 14:06

Ah well, as the op is currently out working we will have to wait until later to hear more info from her.

Booyaka · 01/10/2015 14:10

She's been very clear that she's not bothered. She thinks it's 'just stuff' and 'only money'. It isn't clear that she is looking for a permanent job either.

The OP is happy with this situation but her family aren't. She needs to pull her finger out and get a perm job, because obviously a bit of supply here and there isn't paying enough. Or there are other options like tutoring she could explore.

Plus if you are a supply teacher and your partners pay isn't stretching you shouldn't just take the summer off, do tutoring, get a summer job, do a bit of temping answering phones and typing letters.

I think the OP is being very, very unfair on her family. She knows they feel they are missing out but because she doesn't care about 'stuff' she wants to impose that on the rest of her family. And they're going without things to facilitate her peripatetic working style. It's really not fair on the rest of them.