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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my husband he is being "fucking silly"?

150 replies

Oakmaiden · 01/10/2015 11:36

Because I did. And now he is stroppy because I was rude to him. But he was being fucking silly - and actually saying that was a lot milder than what I wanted to say.

Oh. You want context. Really? You can't just all agree with me?

We are overdrawn. Hooray. 3 days after payday. Which is unsurprising since I have been out of work for 3 months, and it is only just starting to pick up now. Dh never checks the accounts, but since I have worked out we have £90 to last until next Friday (not counting bills, which are all covered - this is food and spending money) I thought I had better let him know. In case he decides to buy himself something. So I let him know. I also said that it was not going to be a problem, because we have food in the house and as long as we aren't extravagant then we have money to get enough to last us.

I hate having to discuss money with him, though. Because he always overreacts. So he keeps texting me saying "he feels sick thinking about it" etc. And then the corker "Maybe I should just stop eating".

I bloody hate the way he has to overreact about these things and turn everything into a bloody drama. Maye I should just stop eating. I measn, ffs, that is supposed to be helpful?

I think saying "Don't be fucking silly" was quite mild, actually.

I now await your agreement. I am only posting so you can all vindicate my point of view. Obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakmaiden · 01/10/2015 12:07

IT was the "I'll stop eating" that I was talking about in particular. The rest is just colour (and a bit of venting!)

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 01/10/2015 12:08

Maybe you could suggest that he could save money by not sending you loads of pointless texts?

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 01/10/2015 12:14

:D

I have to go to work now. (Supply teacher - this is only my third booking since school went back, which is why summer is always a nightmare. Nevermind. Teachers will start getting ill soon.)

OP posts:
timeforabrewnow · 01/10/2015 12:15

Was he liable to have spent the £90? If not, I'm wondering why you mentioned it to him, given his reaction is so irritating.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 01/10/2015 12:16

If my DH was so melodramatic I'm afraid that a comment like "maybe I should stop eating" would be responded to with "well it would help I imagine!" But then maybe our marriage wouldn't last so long.
yADNBU

WhatstheT · 01/10/2015 12:16

90£ until next friday is loads for just food... that'd last us 3 a month here.

Booyaka · 01/10/2015 12:24

Actually, I think he is getting a rather uneccesarily hard time. It may be a bit of an over reaction but I can see why he's concerned. If you're in the position of having £90 left to last a week it is bloody worrying because if an unexpected expense crops up (as they tend to do) then you're fucked.

You say that your kids are also worried about lack of money and how it's affecting them. So you seem to be the only family member who feels blasé about the situation. Yet you not working is what's causing the problem.

3 months is a long time to be completely out of work. Could you not do some temping in the meantime?

Yes he over reacted, but you seem to have little appreciation how you not working is impacting on the rest of your family. Perhaps he feels he needs to get a reaction out of you because you seem very dismissive of the rest of your families unhappiness with your financial situation.

I have to say I think if a woman came on here and said her family were down to their last £90, their kids were worrying about their financial situation and their out of work partner just said they were too materialistic and pooh poohed their worries she'd probably be told to LTB.

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/10/2015 12:27

YANBU. You said it as you saw it.

JohnCusacksWife · 01/10/2015 12:30

Wow, he's getting a right kicking here, isn't he? Financial instability is one of my "triggers" and to be in such a precarious financial position would really scare me and make me anxious beyond belief. Perhaps he's the same?

CrapBag · 01/10/2015 12:33

£90 to last 8 days when all the bills are paid is not bad booyaka. Not everyone has the luxury of having loads of money set aside.

YANBU OP, he sounds very melodramatic. £90 is plenty, especially when you don't even need to do a shop as you have stuff in. We always run down to our last £10 before we get paid. Bills are paid and we have a little aside for emergencies but we don't have enough to keep hundreds back just before payday!

Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 12:36

I'd have said 'good idea' too, but my husband is used to my rather dark sense of humour and sarcasm

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 01/10/2015 12:38

£90 with bills paid is not a precarious financial situation

PurpleHairAndPearls · 01/10/2015 12:39

My dh would and does worry if whenever our money situation is tight, but without the uneccessary drama llama act, thank fuck.

I couldn't be doing with the overly dramatic texts, but I understand the sentiment behind it. If we we only have, say, fifty pounds until the end of the month my DH would worry. He worries about what if one of us needs a hospital trip requiring a taxi, or if the car broke down, or just anything bad were to happen, really. But he wouldn't make a big drama out of it, he would possibly try and get some more hours at work, or remind me we only have X amount, but he wouldn't be a dick about it.

The reason behind his worrying is that he grew up poor and having a tenner for two weeks, was literally a tenner for two weeks - no rich parents to bail out any emergencies, or savings account, or credit cards. It's a way of life that a lot of people don't fully understand, and to be honest I don't fully appreciate it, not having grown up like that (I am reminding myself of Pulp "common people" Grin ) I see it a lot of times though on MN, someone posts about not having money for groceries and people suggest change down the back of the sofa, ebaying stuff, asking a neighbour etc - all well meaning helpful suggestions but not really appreciative of what it's like to live in proper poverty where people do this anyway every month.

Importantly though my DH isn't a knob about it, he just worries silently so I do my best to make sure we have a buffer or a freezer full of emergency food.

Is there any background as to why your DH would worry like this? This may excuse the actual worrying but not the way he deals with it btw. Also, does he feel perhaps (and I'm wording this wrongly) you could have made more effort to get additional money/work? If you are a supply surely he knows the summer months are like this, or has there been extra heavy expenses?

Sorry this is long. I think the worrying about limited funds is perfectly understandable, but not the way he is acting.

DinosaursRoar · 01/10/2015 12:39

I think you have been a little harsh to him, as I read it, you don't have £90, you are overdrawn and only have £90 left to your overdraft limit.

Money doesn't just "sort it'self out" I would find it very very hard to live with someone who doesn't see that being overdrawn 3 days after pay day is 'poor'.

Sit down with him tonight and start being sensible about money, how much you'll need to spend for this week (not "oh it'll be alright" which is bloody irritating if you're worried about something), and how you are going to change things to get back in the black. I would say he isn't allowed to be a drama llama about it unless he is prepared to check the joint account weekly and discuss budgets for food and everything else.

You think he overreacts to talking about money, from my view point, you sound like you underreact.

WhatstheT · 01/10/2015 12:39

Booyaka I have £15 until the 15th October, then when I get paid, I'll have £100 for the month after bills. My partner will probably have about the same, and we have an 8 month old, no overdraft or credit card. (This is due to being on maternity leave and only just going back to work, but we don't tend to have a lot more than this on a normal month)

We don't have any emergency money granted, but we don't ever go hungry...

You just manage the situation you are in. Definitely don't think there's anyone who couldn't survive on 90£ for 8 days for food. Even a full family

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 12:40

I have some sympathy with him, even if he did over-react - I get very concerned about having no money at any stage and would probably have panicked in that situation too. But really his suggestion was very OTT and somewhat martyrish, which isn't at all an adult response, so YWNBU to say what you did.

JohnCusacksWife · 01/10/2015 12:43

£90 with bills paid is not a precarious financial situation

But they haven't got £90, have they? They are in debt and another £90 will push them deeper into debt. Some people can cope with that and some people (including me and it sounds like the OPs DH) can't.

MaidOfStars · 01/10/2015 12:45

Devil's advocate

He's working, you're not. Is he resentful of this? Does he feel like you aren't contributing? Is your pattern of work something that you both agreed would be acceptable?

It sounds like he's genuinely annoyed, not necessarily overreacting. Maybe your financial situation is deeply worrying for him and it's not helpful to have a partner who doens't seem to care that you are worried.

Booyaka · 01/10/2015 12:49

Yes, but the OP says they are living hand to mouth. When you're living like that there is always the worry that the car or the washing machine or the boiler is going to break down and you'll be stuffed.

Plus the OPs DH seems to be much more sensitive to how their children are feeling about this. The OP says that the fact they don't have 'stuff' doesn't matter. But actually it's only her that it doesn't matter to.

She is the one who's out of work and I don't think it would do any harm for her to acknowledge that's put them in precarious situation and reassure him she's working on a solution than call him 'fucking silly'.

DinosaursRoar · 01/10/2015 12:51

OP - do you see overdraft as "your available money" or as "debt"? There's a mentality that a lot of people have is that the overdraft and credit card limits are as much their money as the money that goes in for wages/benefits, I don't think like that and couldn't live happily with someone who did. Your DH has been drama llama-ish about it, but he's not in the wrong to be panicking. I would be seriously shitting myself if I thought our financial situation was "money's tight but we're ok" and then found out that we were completely cleared out of money and nearly at the limit of what we could borrow...

ahbollocks · 01/10/2015 12:53

Being the sole earner is a very anxious position I think, especially if you were both working 3 months ago.

Have you managed to find a new job?
I was out of work for 3 weeks and dh was very quiet and miserable because he was terrified of what woukd happen if he lost his job too.
I think you could be a bit kinder tbh

Gruntfuttock · 01/10/2015 12:55

I just wouldn't speak to my husband like that, but I suppose saying that is just going to get me flamed and also told to go to Netmums. I can understand his concern. I'll let the others tell you to LTB.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 12:56

YANBU about his silly melodramatic comments, if he is worried then fair enough but there are ways to communicate that better than silly "Oh I will just stop eating then".

However, now might be a good time to sit down and look at your finances. As a supply you know that you will not get work over the summer so rather than spending it while you have it, can you save say 10% of your earnings (yours, not his) per month so that when next summer hols rolls around you have some money in the bank to tide you over that period?

Could you tutor after hours/during the hols to boost your income and then save all of your income from that for the lean times?

You do seem to be a bit "feast or famine" and I can understand how unsettling that is for people who dont have the same outlook.

Bogeyface · 01/10/2015 12:57

And actually, you are only able to have this type of working pattern because he is earning regularly, and I dont think you seem to appreciate that that must be stressful for him.

You see it as "Ah well, I didnt get any hours this month but DHs wages will pay the bills and we can use the overdraft until I get some work in"

He sees "Oh shit, she didnt get any hours this month, so now we are back in the over draft and I need to see if I can get any overtime...." All the pressure is on him, do you see?

PurpleHairAndPearls · 01/10/2015 13:01

Differing attitudes to money can really be a big deal. I think it's important that in a relationship, you respect the others view, even if you don't share it.

If I had a credit card, I would see limit as a target Blush Sometimes I think my DH worries too much and life is too short blah blah blah, but I respect why he has these views. I also think he, not spoils, but spends a fuckload on the DC (teens) eg recently they had new £££ Nike trainers which I would never have bought in a million years. When we discussed it, he said when he grew up he always had shoes from the market, always wanted a branded pair of trainers, felt self conscious etc. So as long as we can afford it, and the DC are actually spoilt (eg appreciate it) I understand why he does this.

As long as the views aren't damaging or risky, I think it pays to have an open mind and compromise on stuff like money in relationships. It's not the difference in opinions as such, it's how you handle the differences, that can be very important.