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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu 9 weeks post baby, or is DH?

67 replies

mikado1 · 01/10/2015 09:06

Ds2 is 9 weeks and I am on maternity leave at home with him and ds 3.5. We have no family or support nearby and I was a bit nervous about how I would do with the two but I am thrilled and quite proud of myself; we're getting out lots and doing really great. I am feeding ds2 so that, dinner and laundry are my priorities for the day along with keeping ds1 happy.

Anyway dh tells me all I care about lately is ds1&2-is that not pretty normal at this point? I ask him each day how his day was and give him a round up of ours. It's a month since he went back to work and I just realised yesterday he hasn't called me once since then-apart from returning mine-to see how we've been doing. He is still in the spare room and I have asked him a few times if he's planning on returning-baby not that disruptive at night, though I am awake a lot feeding and he sleeps on me from around 5-he said 'there's not much point is there?' Am I being over-sensitive to take offence at that? Surely the point would be closeness and company at a time when we are pretty hectic during the day. If I thought it was going to really impact his sleep I wouldn't expect it.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Liomsa · 01/10/2015 09:13

He sounds deeply unsupportive. I don't like that 'there's not much point' comment about moving back into your shared bed. Surely he doesn't mean 'there's not much point because there'll be no sex'? Because if the 'point' is sleep, you need some too. Being at home with one small baby nearly killed me, and you sound as if you're managing a tricky new situation admirably. And no, an account of newborn nappies and that cute thing the three year old said isn't that interesting unless they are your child. Point this out to him, also that his day at the office probably isn't fascinating either. Also, get some sleep.

Liomsa · 01/10/2015 09:13

And congratulations!

formerbabe · 01/10/2015 09:18

No of course yanbu.

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job.

And of course it is completely normal that your children are your focus right now.

I find the comment

"There's not much point is there?"
about coming back to sleep in the same bedroom very telling.

What was he like pre children?

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/10/2015 09:23

Was he like this after your first child?

leedy · 01/10/2015 09:24

YANBU. What a knob.

ChunkyPickle · 01/10/2015 09:28

YANBU. Of course you're focussed on the kids - you're spending every waking hour looking after them, they're fully dependent on you night and day (Does your DP look after the older one while you're dealing with the baby once he's home?)

To contrast, DP calls me in the day (I actually find it a pain sometimes, but it's because he cares and wants to hear about what I'm doing - even thought that's just that I'm at work) - he loves hearing tales of what the kids have said, and tells his own back. He does bedtime for both (ours are 2 and 5 now, but he's been doing it since DS1 was about 1 and moved in with is brother), he's always slept in the same bed (well, except maybe a couple of times when he bunked with DS1 instead for whatever reason).

CocktailQueen · 01/10/2015 09:28

OP, you sound as if you're doing a fabulous job - well done! And congrats on your ds2 :)

Is your h perhaps feeling shut out? Left out? That your priority should be him, instead of the dc? If so, he needs to man the hell up and start being more supportive. He should be proud of you and interested in what the dc are up to, not being a sulky twat.

What was he like before ds2?

Jeffreythegiraffe · 01/10/2015 09:28

Yanbu, he sounds incredibly unsupportive and making this all about him.

KevinAndMe · 01/10/2015 09:29

HIBU and should be much more supportive.
It's like he is expecting things to go back to How it was just before your have dc2, ie time in the evening together, sex and the likes.
Maybe he needs to be reminded how things were with dc1 and that it will be a while before you have (undisrupted) time together again.

Did he say ire about the' I
Point' and what he means by that? And what he also means about' airing oly about dc1&2'?
It looksime he feels he is pushed aside and unhappy not to get much attention but at the same time, you've had a cjdvtogether before so he should know the first few month or year ate hard and a your and HIS energy should be towards the children.

ohtheholidays · 01/10/2015 09:32

Oh Mikado he is being an absoloute Arse!

Congratulations on your baby,you sound like your doing really well

I've read things in the past that had been published in parenting magazines about husbands being jealous of a new baby in the house and I have never understood that,an older child that someone has maybe, being jealous yes they're still a child so that's quite normal but a grown man I find that quite worrying.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 01/10/2015 09:35

Congratulations.
Your DH really needs to grow up, of course your two DSs are going to be a priority they're not able to look after themselves unlike your DH. He sounds jealous of the time you spend with them. Is the only reason he's saying there's no point in being back in the bedroom because he won't be getting any sex anyway?
Sounds like you're doing a great job

OTheHugeManatee · 01/10/2015 09:40

I think the two of you need to talk. He's being a bit of a dick but it sounds like he's feeling pushed out / left out. Your relationship will benefit if you can find a way of getting him to talk about how he's feeling. I'm sure you're feeling pretty overwhelmed and super busy with the two little ones and don't really feel like making room for your DH's feelings as well when it should be him supporting you but even so.

lurkingabit · 01/10/2015 09:42

Congratulations!

So this fully grown, healthy adult male, who can control his boldily functions, vote, drink beer, smoke, feed himself, think for himself, and has the complexity of thought to manipulate a situation, is feeling a little out-out because you are (rightly) focusing your attention on a completely and totally vulnerable, non verbal being, that is totally dependable on a functioning adult for its survival?

Hmmm, let me think..... oh wait, I don't need to.....

YADNBU, he's behaving like an arse.

slightlyconfused85 · 01/10/2015 09:48

Yanbu at all. He is being unpleasant. I am in a similar situation to you - at home with 10week old ds and 2.10 dd. Some days are tricky and DH expresses nothing but admiration that both children are alive, there are clean clothes and usually a meal on the go (usually!) We've spent 3 nights apart- 1 when he had a very important day at work and 2 where one of hasn't been feeling well. I do any night feeds but we've had some tricky moments with both kids up and he's just got on with helping and supporting. He needs to grow up - of course your very young children are your priority and they should be his too.

Muckogy · 01/10/2015 09:54

your DH is a big cunty twatty man-child who is actually jealous of a tiny baby and a toddler. how utterly pathetic.
he is a colossal prick who needs to man up and give you support.

this is an absolutely massive red flag that needs to be addressed, OP.

you are in no way at fault whatsoever. this is all about him and his cock.
he is a big baby with gigantic jealousy issues. consider counselling as this does not bode well at all.

OurBlanche · 01/10/2015 09:56

Can I ask: are you being super mum? Are you insisting he gets involved in the day to day care of the kids, or are you heroically doing it all yourself? Your suggests you are aiming towards the latter.

Whilst it does sound as though he is being a shit he could just have been side lined, designated cash machine, whilst you do the kids and home stuff. He could now be in a real sulk, feeling unneeded and cutting off his nose to spite his face!

Whatever his reason for being in a snit you both need to manage a clam sit down chat to get to the bottom of it and to come up with a plan.

Good luck

LastOneDancing · 01/10/2015 09:57

OP you sound awesome! I will be ecstatic if I'm out and about with clean fed children 9 weeks PP!

Your DH is being a self absorbed, miserable, arse. I love Lurkings post - very accurate!

WhatstheT · 01/10/2015 10:03

YANBU.

I'm sorry if I've missed this but is the your first child his? IF so how was he like the first time.

You say "he's still sleeping in the spare room but the baby isn't disruptive" as if this is a normal thing...

I've honestly never heard of a parent sleeping in a spare room due to a waking baby, just because they work. I took 8 months maternity (the house was regularly a shithole, still is), been back at work for 3 weeks now. But prior to that me and my partner slept in the same bed since day one, and DD still wakes up now multiple times, and is still in our room. We chose to have the baby as a family, it's and equal responsibility all the time.

The "there's no point is there?" is that in reference to he won't get any sex??

We didn't until 6 months pp, I had a lot of complications, it was never a problem, never an argument, just a "that's how things are, lets have a couple"

You're a bloody supporting family unit (or supposed to be) what kind of father is jealous of his own children??

WhatstheT · 01/10/2015 10:04

That should say cuddle* not couple!

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 01/10/2015 10:05

YANBU OP - you sound like you're doing a brilliant job.

"there's not much point" ? Ouch. This period of time is pretty intense but in the grand scheme of things is quite short. I don't see how you couldn't be focussed on your children at this stage - he should be too.

MerryMarigold · 01/10/2015 10:09

OP he sounds very unreasonable and unkind. Is he often like this? If not, something is going on and he sounds totally emotionally disconnected from you. I don't want to worry you but it may even be an affair, or an emotional affair. Is there anything you're leaving out on either side? Have you had any intimacy sexual or otherwise during pregnancy? Has this built up over time or just been since ds2 was born? Did you go for a long time without sex after ds1 was born? Dh and I didn't have much sex (we're talking years) after either of my pregnancies, first was a 3rd deg tear and second was twins. He was still very supportive at the 9 week stage though, so I think your Dh is very off, but maybe raising this with him to understand why he's checking out of your relationship.

BreconBeBuggered · 01/10/2015 10:12

Surely most couples only resort to sleeping in separate rooms in extreme circumstances? You both need closeness and (non-sexual) touching to maintain a sense of intimacy; whether this bedroom exile is self-imposed or not, keeping it up will only extend your DH's sense of alienation and create one for you too.

I think he's being a bit of a prick, but that's probably not a helpful way of pointing out where he's going wrong.

Original poster

mikado1 · 01/10/2015 10:13

Thanks for responding. I have been feeling quite lonely.

To answer some questions, he does a lot with ds1 once home and would do all bedtimes but I have been trying to get back into equal share of that as know it's important to ds. Ds1 also comes in to me at night the last month and dh says if I need anything at night to shout and to send ds to him but really he just stumbles in and falls asleep so it's not a bother and is some company! He also does a lot around the house-ironing, cleaning etc. He certainly would be put out to be called unsupportive!

I look forward to seeing him, often first adult conversation, when he comes home but he (as ever) just says his day was fine. I said I wasn't feeling particularly cared for which is when he said about me just caring about the dcs. I told him that was very normal.

He laughed when he made the 'not much point' comment ie sex but I know he is thinking about his sleep too-he can't handle tiredness like I can and is doing the early mornings with ds1 which allows me stay in bed (feeding but att least resting) on weekends. He didn't have a clue really after ds1 and thought I would be myself again after the famous '6 week check' as did I but I wasn't for a long time (lengthened I realise now by feeling I had to make more of an effort) and I have spoken to him since how uncared for I felt at the time. Definitely the first year was a very tough one for us as a couple.

Tbh what I am really feeling is completely unconnected from the person who is meant to be my biggest supporter. A stranger in the park the other day stopped to admire baby and said 'Aren't you a great mummy to be on the go with (ds)?' and I realised my own dh hasn't said anything of the sort to me and on the days he has come home to house in a mess he has banged around tidying and sighing instead of taking ds out for a kick around and actually talking to me. I have spoken to him about yhat and it hasn't happened since (1 week).

For his part he is quite a atressed person and I know untidiness stresses him out as does work but I suppose I feel that stress should take second place to me right now.

OP posts:

Anotherusername1 · 01/10/2015 10:15

I've honestly never heard of a parent sleeping in a spare room due to a waking baby, just because they work

Actually I slept in the spare room - we had the cot in the spare room and I slept there in the week, and at weekends moved back into the main bedroom and ds slept in a carrycot on the floor. DS wasn't that disruptive either, being a great sleeper, but he snuffled a lot and I thought it would disturb DH when he had to commute to London and get up at the crack of dawn. I can't remember when I stopped doing it, certainly by the time I went back to work when ds was 7 months old but probably some time before that. It didn't bother me and also meant I wasn't disturbed when he got up for work etc.

But it doesn't seem like he's being very supportive. If he's feeling left out, can't he spend more time with your older child at weekends etc? Older child's nose is probably a bit out of joint anyway so surely he would appreciate more time with Daddy?

Scarydinosaurs · 01/10/2015 10:17

Although I think he's an arse to be effectively jealous of his own children, is it possible for you to have an evening away from your baby, even if just for two hours? Are you expressing at all? Would a trip to the pub be a possibility?

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