Aibu 9 weeks post baby, or is DH?

[mikado1]

Ds2 is 9 weeks and I am on maternity leave at home with him and ds 3.5. We have no family or support nearby and I was a bit nervous about how I would do with the two but I am thrilled and quite proud of myself; we're getting out lots and doing really great. I am feeding ds2 so that, dinner and laundry are my priorities for the day along with keeping ds1 happy.

Anyway dh tells me all I care about lately is ds1&2-is that not pretty normal at this point? I ask him each day how his day was and give him a round up of ours. It's a month since he went back to work and I just realised yesterday he hasn't called me once since then-apart from returning mine-to see how we've been doing. He is still in the spare room and I have asked him a few times if he's planning on returning-baby not that disruptive at night, though I am awake a lot feeding and he sleeps on me from around 5-he said 'there's not much point is there?' Am I being over-sensitive to take offence at that? Surely the point would be closeness and company at a time when we are pretty hectic during the day. If I thought it was going to really impact his sleep I wouldn't expect it.

Aibu?

Absolutely and definitely no affair, he is home as quick as he possibly could be after work.

Re separate rooms I suggested it post birth so that he could sleep while looking after ds1, doing the shopping, washing, cooking-not unreasonable surely? And he was glad to get sleep. I just didn't think it would go on so long.

I don't think I am trying to be super mum but actually might be a bit 'do this, do that'-however he's told me not to stew about things and tell him what I need. I find it hard to always have to ask though.

Oh and lastonedancing I didn't say they/I was clean! Ds1 is currently getting destroyed in back garden while ds2 sleeps across me.

Absolutely and definitely no affair, he is home as quick as he possibly could be after work.

Re separate rooms I suggested it post birth so that he could sleep while looking after ds1, doing the shopping, washing, cooking-not unreasonable surely? And he was glad to get sleep. I just didn't think it would go on so long.

I don't think I am trying to be super mum but actually might be a bit 'do this, do that'-however he's told me not to stew about things and tell him what I need. I find it hard to always have to ask though.

Oh and lastonedancing I didn't say they/I was clean! Ds1 is currently getting destroyed in back garden while ds2 sleeps across me.

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for him.

comment ie sex but I know he is thinking about his sleep too-he can't handle tiredness

Poor soul... he's already had one child though, nobody likes to be tired. It makes me feel physically sick, and I have motion sickness and after a crappy night of no sleep, I have to get two busses to work and two back... am I going to skulk off into another room to get my much needed sleep? Am I fuck...

You say yourself he is supposed to be your biggest supporter.

As for the magical 6 week check, is he really that niave?! Especially the 2nd time? You told him how uncared for you felt at the time yet here you are with the same situation again??

It's normal for a dad to feel jealous after a new baby. Maybe have a date night?

Re separate rooms I suggested it post birth so that he could sleep while looking after ds1, doing the shopping, washing, cooking-not unreasonable surely? And he was glad to get sleep. I just didn't think it would go on so long.

I guess it's not unreasonable, seems other people do it, but I think when thinks become strained and stressful and for obvious reasons things such as penetrative sex are out the window, it's nice to still be able to have even 5 minutes to cuddle and be intimate together in the midst of everything. Keeps you feeling connected and not all routine routine routine.

^^ exactly, you want the physical closeness of sharing a bed- that comes before sexual desire

You're husband is being an arsehole.

My baby is 2 weeks older than yours and I went back to work 2 weeks ago. I work in the City, have a 1.5 hour commute each way and get up at 5am. DS2 wakes up usually 2-3 times per night.

I have two other children and I work full time, manage the household and housework.

Why can't he sleep in the same room as the baby? My OH sleeps in with me and also works, we manage! No one has died from lack of sleep in my household yet.

And actually, i'd probably say the reason I do have pretty much daily sex with my OH is because he pulls his weight, supports me (I am also breastfeeding) and makes me feel good about myself.

Sounds like your hubby needs to be reminded that having a baby is a partnership and not just him fucking off to work whilst you do the childcare and housework.

Number3cometome Hear hear

WhatstheT I don't want to make excuses but want to give you as fair an account as I can. Those saying he's leaving things to me, he's not he's certainly taken over a lot with ds1 once home and does a lot around the house. Thing is the latter means so much less to me than some company and care.

I have tried to talk and he listens to me and says either 'that's so patronising' or 'Ok I won't do that again'-he doesn't offer his own views/feelings really.

Expressing is on my to-do list but an early night always trumps it!!

Bath no it's not "normal" for a well adjusted grown man to feel "jealous" of a new baby, what a weird thing to say.

Exactly scary dinosaurs and whatstheT,, that is why I have asked when he's coming back.

number3cometome now that's being supermum!! How do you do it-and sex too?!!

It's normal for a dad to feel jealous after a new baby. Maybe have a date night?

Gotta say never was the case with us either.

Exactly scary dinosaurs and whatstheT,, that is why I have asked when he's coming back.

Should it really be a choice or an option for him to come back. How are you every going to be in the mood for sex when your body is ready if you know it's the only bargaining piece to get him in the bedroom. What a sod. He needs to read this thread and realise how real partners act after their wives have carried their child and given birth.

If he had major surgery and needed a lot of care and recovery time, would you be swanning off and doing your own thing because there's not much point being in bed with him when he's a useless sack of spuds?

meh...

Because I love having sex with OH.
He makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel amazing if i'm honest!

The older two children are from a previous relationship - I can assure you things were not the same then and ex didn't get anything from me - I was far too bitter with him - resentment eventually eats away at you.

The bedroom isn't the only place for sex but he needs to make you feel good, otherwise it ain't going to happen.

The bedroom isn't the only place for sex

Haha one of the best lessons from having a baby! Also.... that even if you're not ready, a good fondle can do wonders for your stress levels!!

But yep.. the more you resent, and the more he is selfish, the less you give, the less you both get, the more he sulks, the more you resent...etc...etc vicious circle!!

Number3 3 children, A job in the city and 5 am starts! Good Lord I am tired thinking about it !

Yanbu.

Normal for a dad to feel jealous of baby?

Er, you what?

I agree with Bathsheba, IME a lot of men have their noses pushed a bit out of joint by this new attention-grabber - especially since they're not always as instantly enamoured as the mum. It can go both ways though. I remember not being that impressed with DS1 and wanting to be allowed to just want him to FO at times during the newborn stage, so I struggled with DH always 'taking his side' (unfair but that's how it felt). My mother said she was jealous of me taking all my dad's attention when I was born too, as he always asked after me first and then her.

Maybe a date night would help, coupled with a gentle reminder to your DH that it's pretty normal to be focused on your kids at this very early stage. Also, explain that he may not see any point in coming back to bed but that you'd like him there and miss him a bit and so you hope that's enough of a 'point' for him. Show some vulnerability and he may realise that you need looking after - my DH sometimes forgets, due to my amazing coping skills that I want to be looked after too. To be fair to him he always steps up after I've said this.

Good luck!

Anyway dh tells me all I care about lately is ds1&2-is that not pretty normal at this point?

It's pretty normal. With two children at that age there simply isn't the head space left. Your mind is just a constant list of things that need doing next, with one eye on the clock so you can keep the show on the road. maybe that's just me Plus at 9 weeks your baby is still at the tiny stage where you worry about every small thing

We didn't share a room for ages with DD1. I moved her into her own room next door at 3 months and then at least went to bed with DH, then headed out when the feeding kicked off around 2am.

He might be in his own room but unless your house is v large, he's unlikely to be getting an undisturbed night.

His comments were sarky and snide, I'd call him up on it but people say shitty things when they are tired and lonely. It's a big adjustment going back to the world of the small baby. With two kids its relentless for everyone - before No 2 is born if one parent is doing bedtime the other can be slobbed in front of the TV or happily pottering around making a nice dinner. When you are feeding and he's on bedtimes every night it's just a treadmill [imo anyway] and everyone gets oversensitive.

Trust me, I'm no apologist at all for bad behaviour but I've also been in your position. DH and I didn't really get back on track until we could get out for a few hours and force ourselves to properly converse. Date night is a bit of a cliche but between you, you can make the effort to have a nice meal, get DS1 to bed a bit earlier and pray that DC2 sleeps through two steaks and a bottle of red in your own kitchen.

YANBU but your DH is BVU. Yes it may be normal for husbands to feel a bit pushed out with a new baby, but a reasonable husband is also glad to see his partner so focused and caught up in caring for their helpless newborn, and sees his role as supporting her to do that rather than sulking about how he isn't getting enough sex and attention. It is such a short time, and so precious and vulnerable, and I would feel very angry about him potentially spoiling that. The baby is only 9 weeks old! There is plenty of time for date nights and quality time as a couple, but now is not the time for you to have to be worrying about him not being the centre of attention.

On sleeping in another room - when my DD was born I asked my DH to sleep in the spare room, because a) he was more use to me in the morning routine if he wasn't also completely shattered, and b) that way I didn't have to worry about disturbing him in the middle of the night when I was still trying to establish breastfeeding, do emergency changes etc, and c) after about 6 weeks he started taking the baby with a bottle of expressed milk for the first part of the night which meant I got a bit more sleep. And we continued that till the baby was about 12 weeks old. BUT that was suggested and supported by me, and he certainly didn't make sarky comments when we discussed when he was going to move back in again.

number3 fist bump - you sound like a force of nature!

bittapitta

I suspect you have a really solid relationship and that this is merely stress from work/his tidiness hang-ups/a tad resentful that you get to be with the kids whilst he works. I wouldn't rush him back to the marital bed until he's guaranteed enough quality sleep to function well at work. This is not me being handmaindenly; it is important for the family that at least someone is functioning well and bringing home the bacon.

For his part he needs to listen to what you are saying in terms of needing some kind affirmations and signals that you are very much fancied and loved. Keep talking.

it is important for the family that at least someone is functioning well and bringing home the bacon.

In my relationship we both work and bring home the bacon and we both lack in sleep due to our daughter, it's temporary, and not the end of the world. People can cope. We still work, still have sex, still eat meals, house isn't always tidy but it's not important as long as it's clean.

It's especially important both work together on the nights and childcare if they are both going to be working in the end. Not sure of the situation for us, but I wasn't going to send my partner for his well needed rest just for him to have the shock of his life when I'm back at work and he has to pull his weight...