Aibu 9 weeks post baby, or is DH?

[mikado1]

Ds2 is 9 weeks and I am on maternity leave at home with him and ds 3.5. We have no family or support nearby and I was a bit nervous about how I would do with the two but I am thrilled and quite proud of myself; we're getting out lots and doing really great. I am feeding ds2 so that, dinner and laundry are my priorities for the day along with keeping ds1 happy.

Anyway dh tells me all I care about lately is ds1&2-is that not pretty normal at this point? I ask him each day how his day was and give him a round up of ours. It's a month since he went back to work and I just realised yesterday he hasn't called me once since then-apart from returning mine-to see how we've been doing. He is still in the spare room and I have asked him a few times if he's planning on returning-baby not that disruptive at night, though I am awake a lot feeding and he sleeps on me from around 5-he said 'there's not much point is there?' Am I being over-sensitive to take offence at that? Surely the point would be closeness and company at a time when we are pretty hectic during the day. If I thought it was going to really impact his sleep I wouldn't expect it.

Aibu?

....so you make him 'pull his weight' for the full 9 or more months you're on mat leave?

so you make him 'pull his weight' for the full 9 or more months you're on mat leave?

Nope, never needed to, it was equal from the beginning and always has been. I was saying it would never be a situation I would support.

I was on maternity leave for 8 months. I wasn't having a holiday, he knew that as much as I did. Now I'm back at work, I work more hours than him, and it's still just as equal as when I was off :)

In my house the person who goes out to work (first dh and latterly myself) does not get disturbed during the night by the baby. It works brilliantly

In my house the person who goes out to work (first dh and latterly myself) does not get disturbed during the night by the baby. It works brilliantly

We both go out to work.

Knew that would be the case when my Mat leave finished. And we started as we meant to go on. The only time that didn't happen is when me and DD were in hospital for over a week together..

Plus we wanted to sleep in the same bed together, couldn't imagine not doing for the sake of our daughter. It was the thing we missed the most while we were separate

Teamwork and support is what kept us sane and close during a few horrible months. We both share the fun tasks and the not so fun tasks. Even when we are up doing the night wakings or nursing a poorly baby, we tend to do crosswords together and online quizzes lol.

We both get up at the same time when DD wakes us or the alarm goes off (anywhere between 5am and 6:30am), even though I don't need to set off for work until an hour after him, I make breakfast while he changes DD, he has breakfast while I feed DD and he gets ready for work while me and DD play, he takes her to nursery then I get ready while he's gone, he picks her up after work (nursery is next to his works) I come home a few hours later and make tea, or he makes tea while I play with DD, we both bath DD on a bath night together and play. One of us takes DD to bed and has some chill out time in the bedroom with a book, or pops down stairs and goes on the games console or whatever.. while the other tidies up/washes up. Then the next night we swap. Night wakings we just do together, don't bother taking turns.

Each to their own, but we've never had to have the "you don't know how hard it is and how much work I do" conversation, because we both pretty much do each others jobs fluidly as the day takes us.

Everyone works differently depending on their family situation, but clearly, OP's situation needs a change whatever that may be :)

A stranger in the park the other day stopped to admire baby and said 'Aren't you a great mummy to be on the go with (ds)?"

I'd bet that this stranger was a woman, or someone with hands on experience of being a SAHP. You don't realise how hard everything is until you do it yourself, 24/7, 365 a year.

It does sound like your DH lacks empathy. But you also need to stop letting things like his tidying up in (what you perceive to be) a "huffy" way get to you. Do you feel bad about yourself generally? i sense a lot of guilt.

FanOfSpam

My baby is 11 weeks old, I am up in the night with baby and I go to work.
My OH also goes to work - who should be suffering the tiredness in this case? We both pull our weight.

Going to work does not make you exempt from helping out on nightshifts, because unfortunately with a new baby you may not get sleep in the day either.

Would you prefer to be tired at work and potentially make a mistake, or tired with your baby and potentially make a mistake?

It's give and take, not one taking his place in the spare room and getting a good nights' sleep for the near future.

If both dh and I worked at the same time we would share the night feeds equally. When I gave birth last year I was not in work and he was. I would never have asked for his help in the night (not that it was needed, I was bf-ing) because I knew I had three opportunities each day to sleep when my baby slept (5.5 hrs in total).

When this baby is born in January we will share the night feeds (i hated bf-ing) as he is taking a sabbatical from work

...also, not sure what 'mistake' you can make with a baby when you're tired the next day.

Thanks for the reponses. confusedinbath he did all those things when he was off after the birth, not now he's back, although he certainly does his share when home. As someone else said though a spotless house is not the priority these days and the thread has gone off my op really as I wasn't complaining about him being unhelpful round the house, more that he thought it off that the dcs are my parents priority and that I am offended he said tgere was no point coming back to our room just yet. I didn't tell him to go, just suggested it as, as a previous poster sensed, I can be very guilty and wanted to know he was sleeping when he had to pick up the slack those first few weeks. He is not a grin and get on with it when tired type and it would have made me feel awful.

Tge 'perceived huffiness' could not have been more hostile-throwing ttoys back in tgeir place and crashing dishes from dw into drawers-horrible atmosphere and very insulting to me when there were two fed and happy boys, clean clothes and dinner reasy for him.

mikado I'm fairly sure your DH Is living a double life and I'm married to him too maybe that's why he's always so tired?!

You know it's not you. He IS being unreasonable. He probably knows he's being wanky. Have you had chance to talk to him? If he IS my DH that will mean a big sulk, but he will also take it on board that life's tough for both of you ATM and you're both trying your hardest.
Any chance of grabbing some time alone? Even an hour at a nearby pub or dinner?

OP don't feel bad about the spare room thing - it's a totally normal and sensible solution. We kicked ourselves for not thinking of it until about 8 weeks in!

We are an extreme example - DD is a terrible sleeper, regular night wakings and an early riser (think anything from 4.30....). So we are still in separate rooms almost 2.5 years on! We both work, but it means one of us can do the night shift, then the other one does the early morning shift while the night shift one gets a few more hours sleep before work. I take night shift usually and DH takes earlies. On weekends and when people are staying in our spare room DH will move back in, but honestly we just end up knackered as we're both woken up in the night then. Anyway, our marriage is perfectly fine and dandy and I am currently pg with DC2 so don't worry!

PS Yanbu, your DH is being a colossal knob.

YANBU He is being a spoilt brat. Well done by the way, sounds like you have your priorities right and you're doing great. Lucky children, have a chat with him and make sure he's involved in the evenings and weekends.

Thanks for feedback. Sorry for delay, hard to think straight or comment properly with the 'busyness' of the last week. I am glad the consensus seems to be ianbu. We have been having ups and downs of getting on well and being team players mixed with some annoyance. I have mentioned moving back to room again but no sign of it anytime soon. I feel like any intimacy is going to take a long time now as the days are busy/sometimes fraught and I am going to bed with the dc or shortly afterwards as I get very little sleep after 2am. Anyway I am keeping my priorities, doing best to keep lines of communication open and atmosphere good and that's all can do for the moment.

I don't think YABU at all but I can also imagine how the changed in dynamics could bring out the worst in someone. No excuse, but it can't be easy to be relegated for a while.

YANBU to be focused on your children at 9 weeks and to expect your DH to be supportive instead of attention-seeking.
YANBU either to sleep in different beds at this stage (I slept in the spare bed next to the moses basket and then on the floor in the nursery when DS outgrew the basket, as his cot wouldn't fit anywhere else, until he was 6 months old and the 'you must sleep near your baby or they will die of cot death' warning slot had passed).

when our dd was born, OH had two weeks off. After that he went back to work full time (sometimes meetings too so would be gone 7am-9pm some days) and still when I went to bed he would do all the feeds and care for DD until 12am and then come to bed, and he would sleep and I would do anything after that. If i'd have suggested that he sleep in the spare room to rest he would have told me where to go! He wanted to me just as involved as me, and that meant we actually both got a decent 5 hours per night!