to ask my wife to let me get on with it?

[Yimpy]

My wife and I transitioned parental duties about 4 weeks ago. She went back to work full-time and I dropped my hours considerably, basically becoming the next best thing to a stay-at-home dad. Our DS is 8 months old and her and I have a pretty good parenting relationship. Whilst she was on maternity leave and I was still working, I still spent a good amount of time with DS and made sure to be involved in everything.

But I feel like her and I are always at odds about parenting issues and that she can't let anything pass without commenting on it. I don't want to be unreasonable and push her away but it is a real blow to my confidence when she criticises the way that I do something or starts pointing out what she did in the situation. I feel like she is always watching and critiquing when it comes to DS and it is making me feel resentful.

There are a few examples. She will make a quip if I let him sleep in the living room with me after he goes down so I can watch TV, she is constantly asking about how I make his meals, gets irritated at the fact that I have changed his feeding routine (she was making 5 7oz bottles a day FFS!), picks at me if I have a lazy morning and don't get us washed and dressed until after his breakfast (his second feed). I mostly brush it off or try and re-assure her and it gets forgotten about until the next time.

We have talked about it and she has assured me she isn't trying to criticise but it is very, very overwhelming at times. I feel like every decision I make is being thoroughly questioned when I would just like her to have the confidence that I know what I'm doing. Especially after a month.

There has been one incident regarding sleeping that she has been absolutely right to criticise me for. I have developed a habit of cuddling and singing him to sleep and now if I am in the house he won't sleep unless I do that. But I know that I made a mistake there, have acknowledged that and I am working on fixing it. But I feel like she is still resentful about it and thinks that I need to be checked up on throughout this whole thing.

There are things I want to do over the next few weeks such as move him from his big travel system pram/buggy thing to a smaller, fold-away buggy, start him on eating what we're eating at meal times (blended and pureed if possible), move him out of our room and into his own room etc. I'm worried that I won't be able to do any of it without express consent and that this will be an uphill struggle. I wish she would trust me to just get on with it.

There are things I want to do over the next few weeks such as move him from his big travel system pram/buggy thing to a smaller, fold-away buggy, start him on eating what we're eating at meal times (blended and pureed if possible), move him out of our room and into his own room etc. I'm worried that I won't be able to do any of it without express consent and that this will be an uphill struggle. I wish she would trust me to just get on with it

Does she want these things too? Going back to work doesn't negate the value of her parental opinion on her own child.

We have discussed it and she is open to all of the ideas. I'm making a point of not doing anything like that unless she is with us either after work or during her break in her split shift because I'd like her to be a part of it. What I don't want to happen is for her to agree and then suddenly decide that she doesn't want to do it once the ball gets rolling. I know that she is anxious about being separated from DS and is worried that if these things occur without her being present then it will be a disaster.

I think she is worried about missing milestones, actually, so that is why we talk about these things first and I always try to let her know if I am doing something while she is at work if I can't wait to involve her in it directly.

I think you need to give it time. Remember - if you do things differently then it will feel like a criticism to your wife. And that she is going through a huge huge change herself - after 8 months of being with her son she has to hand him over every day. (For me) going back to work actually felt almost like a bereavement. And I really quite like my job!

Some of the knowledge she has will be hard won - and it's hard to watch someone do something wrong when you figured out the right way at 5am after 7 wake ups.

If I was you I wouldn't rush in and immediately start changing things. Give all three of you time to breathe first. An extra few weeks in your room isn't going to matter (and presumably you are now doing the nights so you may find it suits you better once the cold nights draw in).

In 3 months your son will be a different boy and the changes that you want to make will be obvious ones.

She is probably struggling to adjust and expressing this by quizzing you about every tiny detail. I feel for you and see where you're coming from but try and be kind to each other - your role swap is a huge thing and I'm not surprised she is finding it hard to step back.

YANBU - that would do my head in. I went back to work full time when ds1 was 6 months old. My mum had him 4 days a week and my dh 1. Neither of them did things exactly my way and it was fine and he was fine, despite my nerves.

As you wife is nervous, maybe try making one change at a time, starting with the smaller stuff like the buggy. It is fine to start feeding new foods etc without her present - we are talking baby food here not a Big Mac and fries. Big things like settling him in his own room at night do need agreement and it is not unusual to get cold feet.

It sounds like you are both still adjusting. I agree with you that she needs to let you get on with it and back off - it sounds like she is jealous of you being at home.

I don't think you were so wrong about cuddling the baby to sleep, billions of parents do the same

Have a talk with her about it when you are both calm and the baby's in bed, and see if she will agree to present a united front to the child - not that it exactl has to be a front at this age, but you need to be working as a team. Maybe agree a regular time every week when you discuss parenting things together. Sounds a bit formal but it means that if either of you gets at the other about this stuff, you can both say 'Let's talk about it on Thursday' or whatever and the other person gets the message to shelve it. I do think she needs to operate from the position that there are hardly ever absolute rights and wrongs in being a parent.

annandale - the sleep-cuddling issue has caused a problem because he now won't settle with anybody else if I am in the house. He cries terribly when put down in the cot without being coaxed to sleep in my arms. It was a silly mistake when he was already in a good routine of falling asleep on his own in his crib and cot before I stepped in.

Thing is - it was something I did when I was still working because I liked doing it. Love it when he falls asleep on me lol. It didn't matter back then because it was only one or two nights a week. Now that it is every night I have been doing it, it has become a bad habit.

Thanks for the advice about talking it over. We are trying and she has agreed that she can be a bit nit-picky about things but it keeps continuing despite the conversations. Hopefully if we keep chatting about things then she will feel confident with me being at home. I think the advice above about persevering and slowing things down a little will help too.

So your wife has gone back to work, and now your son only wants you t put him down at night?

No wonder she feels unsettled and anxious about things! Agree with PPs, just let things settle down, be gentle when you feel her being critical; you know it comes from a good place, and it will just take time for all of you to adjust.

Honestly, if DH was acting like this, I would have told him to get lost.
She should have enough confidence in your to let you do things your own way. And it's not because it's not her way that it's either better or worse. It's just different.

As for involving her in the 'big changes' such as changing to a lighter pram??? Seriously? I don't think I even talked about it to DH. I said a lighter one would be easier, I bought one, I used it. Why on earth would you need to jump through so many hoops. It's just a pram!

Oh a re the sleeping routine. You made a mistake and learnt from it. Now, let's be honest, she also has done some mistakes when she was on ML and dealing with her DC. She has, like any parent. But somehow, I don't think she would have appreciated if you had started to make comments etc...

In short, I would tell her very clearly how this makes you feel. I would tell her that you need her to step back because you are the main carer atm and its your call. Of course, involve her in the big decisions. But you shouldn't need her approval every single step of the way.

She might see the point though if you talk about seeming like you are on the same page to the child, even if you talk about it separately afterwards.

We are in a similar position. I work DH also works but runs his own business around the children. They are at school and nursery (so not quite the same). Standing in the same place as tour wife - it's really hard to watch DH do things differently as I did them my way because it worked. I also wrestled with the guilt of leaving them (daft as he's their dad not the milkman). Put all this through the optic of still being post partum, lacking in enough sleep and totally lacking in confidence in the work place and it forms a perfect storm of resentment and bitterness.

She may also be jealous of the time you are spending with your child. One of the biggest source of arguments for us is that DH sometimes seems to see the DDs as an inconvenience and comes across as resenting being the parent at home. It would be easier for me if he seemed to enjoy it (he does it just doesn't seem like it sometimes! ).

How do we get through? I gave myself a bloody good talking to. Learnt not to sweat the small stuff. Learnt to see his way as different not inferior or wrong (or a criticism of my way). There have been a lot of arguments along the way and they still happen. For now it's about listening to what she is saying - not the words but the fear, jealousy, longing, lack of confidence and uncertainty. And letting her hear you and your frustrations. The way it is making you feel untrusted. Compassion and kindness to each other is the key.

She does need to let go a little bit.

Have to really pick on your "mistake" of singing and cuddling to sleep!
Singing and cuddling to sleep are showing love and affection and that is never a mistake.

Other than that, you really both need to sit down and talk about it all properly.
She's nervous about leaving her baby - it's a very strong bond and hard to let go.

It has been nice to get these responses and not think that I am being unreasonable (although you guys ARE only getting one side of the story, I guess). I feel a wee bit more confident in sitting her down and explaining how I feel. I love her very much and she is a great wife, she is just much more highly strung than I am. I am a very, very laid back person.

There are a lot of factors at play.

She was diagnosed with PND about 4 months after DS was born. I noticed that she was just down all the time and overly protective, did a bit of reading, recommended her to her health visitor and GP and she was diagnosed. She only recently came off the medication she was prescribed with a clean bill of health so I think that might be affecting her behaviour a little.

Going back to work IS stressful. She is having to cope with only seeing DS for a few hours during the day or during her days off and that is a big adjustment. It is a physically taxing job and can be quite demanding at times. I can understand that she might feel a little bit overburdened although I have repeatedly insisted that I will happily go back to full time work and pursue a manager's job if she is uncomfortable and feels the need to be at home.

I drive. She doesn't - she still has to pass her driving test. Seems like a small detail but it means she relies on me for a lot of running back and forward and I think she is jealous that I have the freedom to drive anywhere with DS during the day. Money has been tight and she has had to wait to restart her lessons and I think she is impatient about this.

She is really, really tribal. I love her very much but she is guarded and protective (always was) prefering her own family and friends over mine. I let this go most of the time and stand my ground when she is being unreasonable and she normally gets past it without much issue.

KevinAndMe - this is the problem with the new buggy. My mum bought it for him. We have that big bulky travel system and I mentioned to my mum that I thought it was too cumbersome so she consulted with us a little bit and then bought the buggy. DW is peeved about this because we spent ?700 on the travel system with HER parents help (I did try to argue about this expense at the time but was railroaded out of it) and now she feels like we wasted our money and are just discarding it to wait for DC2 to come along in the future.

Pilgit - I'm glad you and your DH worked it out. To pick up on your point about him being 'resentful' of the kids, I often get accused of that too if I make any complaints about a hard day or anything. Most recently, I have had some family members ask to take DS for the day and I have very forwardly asked if they want him for the night. I just fancied a break. My DW sees this as me not wanting to be with him. Same if I gripe about a tough day, as mentioned above. I think she is being unreasonable there because she had lots of help from her parents when she was on ML and plenty of nights of peace and quiet when he went to stay elsewhere but she seems to think it is a sin if I do it.

If you want an easy life then just do everything her way. You know I'm right as is your wife

Don't best yourself up over the falling asleep on you thing, it's a habit that loads of first time parents get into. It's not a mistake, it's just one of those things and even without you making any effort to change it, I guarantee it won't last forever!

Your wife does need to let go, hopefully she'll get used to it in time, but if I were in her position I'd probably feel quite jealous that I wasn't getting to stay at home. You are both in the middle of one of the most challenging life events, remember to keep trying to be kind to each other.

I'm going to go against the grain here. She has only just gone back to work full time. She has pnd and probably feels insecure and it may to her look like you are completely taking over and she has been sidelined.

Dh and I are equal when it comes to parenting. No one has a set job. Had to be like that because we spent many years working opposite shifts. I think if either of us had come in with a 3 month plan like you have the other would have thought the plot had been lost. If youre going to change stuff you have to check the other is happy to go ahead at that point. As for prams use both. She likes travel system keep it for dw days off you use the other one. As for offering ds out.. you may be happy to do this but if she isn't then you don't do it! It has to be an equal relationship.

Find this a bit baffling really because if she was the SAHM how many of those decisions would she have made on her own without consulting you - bet a whole load of them. She shouldn't treat you like your incompetent, why do women do this to their men? Treat them like they are unable to do anything and not let the man get on with it and show he can. You made a mistake and she probably has as well (you just might not know) but that doesn't either of you cannot competently look after your child. She needs to back off with the criticism, imagine its the other way round and it was the wife posting this, the DH would be getting flamed.

I think you're being quite pushy actually sorry.

She's had PND and has stopped taking medication recently. That's really tough. She's also gone from seeing DS all the time to not much at all plus she's adjusting to being back at work and the main breadwinner I presume.

A little more empathy is called for and slow down the changes. For example five bottles a day at 8 months isn't at all unusual. I'm not quite sure why you think it was so odd.

When I used to get stressy with DH not doing things the right way (ie if I'd struggled to make something work so it felt important that he do it that way too to save him getting stressed) he would just say 'but you have to let me make my mistakes'. Which was a very good point. It's your journey as well as hers.

Thank you, Florriesma, I do agree with your points. It has been a big adjustment for her and I have been trying to ease her into it, too. I know that she does fundamentally trust me with DS it's just that she is worried her influence won't count for anything. I'm trying to keep her confident about it - just posting here because the criticism is getting irritating and I'm thinking to myself: "am I being unfair to be annoyed about this?"

As to offering DS out to people, that's the only bit that I disagree with. She frequently offered him out to family without really bothering me much about it and I feel like she is using it to attack me when I do the same. But I'll talk to her about that rather than get upset.

LittleBearPad - I read that the standard feed for 7 - 12 months was three 7oz bottles per day if you were weaning and giving them food to eat. It seemed reasonable to make the change when we were making a 7oz bottle at every feed and he was only taking about 2oz during three of those feeds. Do you think I should do a bit more research? Maybe try to get him to finish the bottles off?

I think she is having trouble letting go, as this all sounds really quite controlling.

The way forwards is probably to air both points of view and perhaps mention that if the boot as on the other foot she would feel pretty got at.

Yimpy I think your parenting decisions sound fine. I think it's worth easing off a little in light of your wife's personality/PND. That said, it's not fair for her to try and micromanage you.

you need to pick your battles. both of you. what are your/her prefered top three things that are really important to you in the way you raise him?

his routine will change as he grows. drop bottles, increase meals, change when he naps. soon no nap...

he will eat new foods. that is easy enough to do first time when your wife is home.

travel system/buggy.. relies on who does the pushing /lifting of the thing up and down the stairs, and which trips you are doing.

some things are important to do the right way.. (sterilising bottles,) other things not so important.