to ask my wife to let me get on with it?

[Yimpy]

My wife and I transitioned parental duties about 4 weeks ago. She went back to work full-time and I dropped my hours considerably, basically becoming the next best thing to a stay-at-home dad. Our DS is 8 months old and her and I have a pretty good parenting relationship. Whilst she was on maternity leave and I was still working, I still spent a good amount of time with DS and made sure to be involved in everything.

But I feel like her and I are always at odds about parenting issues and that she can't let anything pass without commenting on it. I don't want to be unreasonable and push her away but it is a real blow to my confidence when she criticises the way that I do something or starts pointing out what she did in the situation. I feel like she is always watching and critiquing when it comes to DS and it is making me feel resentful.

There are a few examples. She will make a quip if I let him sleep in the living room with me after he goes down so I can watch TV, she is constantly asking about how I make his meals, gets irritated at the fact that I have changed his feeding routine (she was making 5 7oz bottles a day FFS!), picks at me if I have a lazy morning and don't get us washed and dressed until after his breakfast (his second feed). I mostly brush it off or try and re-assure her and it gets forgotten about until the next time.

We have talked about it and she has assured me she isn't trying to criticise but it is very, very overwhelming at times. I feel like every decision I make is being thoroughly questioned when I would just like her to have the confidence that I know what I'm doing. Especially after a month.

There has been one incident regarding sleeping that she has been absolutely right to criticise me for. I have developed a habit of cuddling and singing him to sleep and now if I am in the house he won't sleep unless I do that. But I know that I made a mistake there, have acknowledged that and I am working on fixing it. But I feel like she is still resentful about it and thinks that I need to be checked up on throughout this whole thing.

There are things I want to do over the next few weeks such as move him from his big travel system pram/buggy thing to a smaller, fold-away buggy, start him on eating what we're eating at meal times (blended and pureed if possible), move him out of our room and into his own room etc. I'm worried that I won't be able to do any of it without express consent and that this will be an uphill struggle. I wish she would trust me to just get on with it.

oh and do not try to change things too quickly. get her used to the changein roles. it is a big deal. it is more common for the sahp to be female so there is probably a lot of guilt in this and difficulty in letting go. and she has run her life round ds for the last 17 months.. a big shift.

Listen, I think if my husband was doing this after I went back to work after maternity leave, I'd probably be the same as your wife even though I know it's wrong and my husband is just as able to deal with our baby as I am.

It's the change. I found it hard to accept the level of responsibility I had for the baby and dependence the baby had on me when I was pregnant. It was really overwhelming. By the time the baby came, I was kind of used to the baby as a permanent physical presence and during maternity leave, if she's out of my sight for two hours a week it's as much. Even at that, the process of her becoming less physically dependant can sometimes be hard, I was quite upset when she stopped waking at night because she needed me less.

What I think I'm saying is that this change is a massive, sudden land for your wife and what she's doing is more about her need to be needed by the baby than about you, probably. You're unfortunate in that you're close enough for her to express these difficult emotions.

I think it's one of these things that only time will solve, but you're certainly not being at all unreasonable.

I get that this is your new role, as a stay at home parent, but if this were me, having been a sahm, I think I'd feel pushed out by you trying all these new things and doing all the research etc. As if you are saying "right, my turn now, let's do this properly" rather than asking her opinion on what works. She probably feels like she is not needed any more and is trying to help guide but going too far.

The pnd will be a factor, as will the natural difficulty she will be having going back to work.

I'm not saying she isn't going too far, she might be. Just cut her a break, be gentle,ask her advice, make plans together rather than presenting her plans as a fait accompli. If you think she is going too far, tell her gently to let you handle it, while thanking her for helping.

Above all, be a team.

Good luck.

Also, watch the pnd, it maybe that she has come off tablets too soon...

*presenting your plans as fait accompli

I did the other side I went back to work when mine were much younger than yours, feeding, changing prams would not have bothered me, the rocking to sleep would have annoyed me unless you are home every night to do it. the thing that annoyed me most was my ex thought being at home with the baby didn't mean he should at least try to clean, shop and do basic housework during this time. He basically handed over the babies and all household responsibility to me as soon as I walked in, plus I was responsible for every weekend and all night time childcare while relaxed. I think as long as you are not doing that the day to day decisions regarding childcare should be yours if you are the one doing it. Big decisions like schooling etc should be shared.

I mean while HE relaxed (so need an edit button)

so how many sahm here consulted their DH? Or did you just get on and make the changes because your DH trusted you? Did your DH feel pushed out?

oh and did your DH criticize you? If so how did it make you feel?

When it comes to parenting its always great to be on the same page and I think if you can get there now with your baby, then it will be a great help in future as your dc grow up. If you can sort this out it will be a nicer atmosphere for everyone and that includes your baby, they really pick up on these things.

The number and volume of bottles will depend on how well the baby has taken to food. The general view is that the majority of a baby's nutrition should come from milk until 12 months. Just because the box of formula says 3 x 7oz feeds doesn't mean that will suit your baby so just take it all a bit more slowly with food, milk, travel systems and your wife too.

I think it's a different situation to a typical sahp and wohp, as in this case the parents have swapped at 8 months. That's bound to bring a whole set of its own challenges, plus the PND and medication change have got to be factored in as well.

I know I would have felt a bit jumpy had I gone back to work full time at 8 months having been the main carer up to that point. It's very hard to let go and trust someone who is inevitably less experienced than you.

Ok fair enough but from 0-8months then some of those months you would have been inexperienced yourself...so again how would you feel if your OH was criticizing you in those months whilst you were getting your experience.

Maybe I have been a bit pushy and think it might be wise to slow down a bit and have a long chat with her again about our expectations for the coming months.

It's only 4 weeks. I think you should give your wife some time to get used to being away all day before making any big changes.

that said I don't think the pram is a big change. I use the big pram, DH uses the buggy, our preferences are different and one doesn't need to rule out the other.

The sleep thing is probably more grating at the moment because she's out all day and, just like you did when you got into this routine, she'd probably have liked to do bedtime sometimes to spend some more time with him, but she can't because he won't settle for her.

Yanbu. If a sahm was here saying her dh was doing this there would be different responses. Yes it will take time for her to adjust, but this isn't the best way to go about it.

Dh worked evenings so that I could work during the day and we wouldn't need choldcare. It never occured to me to to moan if he did things different during the day. She may be finding it hard but you are his parent too.

If you are to one looking after the child and want to change the travel system, it's reat upto you. Doesn't matter whose parents bought it. Thats how I viewed it. The one that is going to be mostly impacted, gets to decide.

It sounds like a lot of changes on top of an already massive change, and all within four short weeks.

The research feels a bit like you were telling your wife she was wrong - and then proving how wrong she was with evidence. Ouch! That would hurt.

Weaning is as varied as the babies themselves - there isn't one 'right' way and for every piece of information that claims X is right there will be a range of others refuting it. Much guidance advocates milk before food until one because the milk contains everything they need in the first year... It doesn't have to be all or nothing either. At that age I was still giving five bottles a day, on waking, at meal times with food and at bedtime. You want to do it differently and that's fine as Ds wasn't taking 7oz - but bottles can be made any size. There is a middle ground.

It sounds like you really want to do a good job and have thrown yourself into your new role which is great. But by making a series of quick changes it feels like you are criticising your wife, albeit inadvertently and she is reacting by criticising you.

Slow down! You all need to adjust, particularly as your wife had pnd. She will have found parenting extremely difficult at some points, a struggle. Now she has gone back to work and you are clearly loving what she struggled with (it's good that you love it) which must feel a bit like a smack in the face. But not only that, you are changing things from the off - which probably appears to her like you think she was doing it wrong.

The pnd has probably made her repeatedly doubt her abilities and decisions as a parent and you changing things implies that she was right to doubt herself, because she was wrong. That isn't your intention, but it doesn't mean that it won't come across like that.

YANBU. Your wife sounds like a nightmare.

In a way, with the changes you mention to his sleeping (napping in the TV room, singing and cuddling with him to go to sleep) and the feeding (cutting down from the 5x7 bottles daily) so soon after her back is turned so to speak, you are telling her that yes, you saw how she did it but you thought all that time that she was barking up the wrong tree.

You are letting her know that you think she was doing unnecessary work with the bottles and working to get him to settle in the cot for naps and to go to sleep without a drawn-out putting-down routine. She probably spent a lot of time and put in a good deal of effort working on the sleep, and certainly making those bottles properly and washing them would have taken time.

You say you are laid back, and perhaps she sees you undoing what she has been working at for 8 months just on the basis that your way is more convenient for you or just something you enjoy. Maybe she was willing to put in the effort to do things by the book, or maybe she felt less like a novice making all sorts of mistakes when she worked on sleep and made up the bottles properly just as the books instructed. Maybe she felt responsible for establishing a good sleep pattern just so that you would have no issues with it when she went back to work, and now that she is back to work you have put the baby back where she started.

You are in quite a hurry to get ahead with the rest of your plans now that you are in charge. It may all come across to her as a situation where you couldn't wait to do things your way, for flimsy reasons or without thinking about it enough, while discounting the work she has been doing.

Maybe she felt great about having the £700 travel system and maybe her family felt good to be able to help buy it for their grandchild. Now your mother has sort of overridden her and her family too. The travel system decision is being silently criticised now that it is being replaced so soon after she went back to work. She maybe sees your mother having some undue influence over your management of the baby and perception of the baby's needs. Maybe there is a turf thing going on here between her and your mother. Be very careful here with this matter. A new mother often finds the bond between her and her family of origin strengthens in the first year of the baby's life. A mother's family often expresses that increased closeness by buying or helping to buy a big ticket piece of equipment.

I also think you are not taking the PND into account. She just came off the medication and is also dealing with tiring work plus the stress of leaving the baby who was a part of her life for nine months before you met him. Even with a nanny from a terrific training college in charge, mums feel very nervous about heading back to work and leaving the baby. With PND she may have been putting immense pressure on herself to do everything right, and may worry that her PND damaged the baby in some way. She may feel that it is important to have certain elements in place in the baby's day in order to mitigate the effects of the PND on the baby routine, good sleep, the comfort of several bottles (babies need to suck and find it very soothing) and she may also have been planning ahead to her return to work by putting routines in place and building in a comfort element for the baby that might make your life easier as well as making the transition easier for the baby.

In short, I see a good deal of putting your foot right into it here.

I think you should try to appreciate the work she did while she was the sole carer, and show her that you appreciate it and understand the thought that went into it, and go really easy on the changes. Don't thoughtlessly upset work she may have put a lot of effort into. Seeming not to understand the thought that goes into what women do and the way they do it is probably the number one complaint women have about their partners when they exchange roles. It may look as easy as falling off a log but everything a woman does in the months after a baby arrives is done in the teeth of sleeplessness, recovery from birth, etc., and wisdom is hard won.

'Baby led' is really a better idea when it comes to changes, and both parents can note indications that the baby is ready for something like cutting back on bottles or changes in napping; certainly when it comes to ditching the travel system you should take into account that it possibly signifies in her mind the bond she has with her parents and their love for their grandchild, and it may mean more to her than you realise that her parents were willing to help pay for an item that she felt was important or the best possible thing she could manage for the baby.

OP, I have no doubt that if you were a female posting the same about her husband, you'd have very different responses. Just think that's worth pointing out.

Osolea, I was just going to point that out. A lot more "I'd tell him to fuck off" or "Go out and leave him to it" I suspect.

As others have said she's probably still adjusting. Her opinion still matters, but she shouldn't be telling you what to do all the time. It's fine to spoil a child and cuddle them to sleep when they're little, but you need to find something that works for both of you.

When it comes to weaning, remember 'food is fun until they're one' and keep offering milk regularly. Just offer some of your food (unprocessed if possible) and see how your LO gets on with it. It might be nice to save first food experiments for a weekend, or whenever you are both there to do it together.

Got to love the MN double standards!

If it were the other way round people would say that the OP should use whatever pushchair they felt was easiest during the day when their partner wasn't even around, and it was fine for her to get dressed when she felt like it in the morning.

I fully agree Osolea
It's like it's normal she doesn't trust him fully or want to be invved in all the little bits.

Of course she will miss some stuff when she is at work. But would she dare being that controlling if her DC was with a CM or at nursery? Would she have accepted the same level of involvement from her DH when on ML?

OP, I have no doubt that if you were a female posting the same about her husband, you'd have very different responses. Just think that's worth pointing out.

I agree.