to ask my wife to let me get on with it?

[Yimpy]

My wife and I transitioned parental duties about 4 weeks ago. She went back to work full-time and I dropped my hours considerably, basically becoming the next best thing to a stay-at-home dad. Our DS is 8 months old and her and I have a pretty good parenting relationship. Whilst she was on maternity leave and I was still working, I still spent a good amount of time with DS and made sure to be involved in everything.

But I feel like her and I are always at odds about parenting issues and that she can't let anything pass without commenting on it. I don't want to be unreasonable and push her away but it is a real blow to my confidence when she criticises the way that I do something or starts pointing out what she did in the situation. I feel like she is always watching and critiquing when it comes to DS and it is making me feel resentful.

There are a few examples. She will make a quip if I let him sleep in the living room with me after he goes down so I can watch TV, she is constantly asking about how I make his meals, gets irritated at the fact that I have changed his feeding routine (she was making 5 7oz bottles a day FFS!), picks at me if I have a lazy morning and don't get us washed and dressed until after his breakfast (his second feed). I mostly brush it off or try and re-assure her and it gets forgotten about until the next time.

We have talked about it and she has assured me she isn't trying to criticise but it is very, very overwhelming at times. I feel like every decision I make is being thoroughly questioned when I would just like her to have the confidence that I know what I'm doing. Especially after a month.

There has been one incident regarding sleeping that she has been absolutely right to criticise me for. I have developed a habit of cuddling and singing him to sleep and now if I am in the house he won't sleep unless I do that. But I know that I made a mistake there, have acknowledged that and I am working on fixing it. But I feel like she is still resentful about it and thinks that I need to be checked up on throughout this whole thing.

There are things I want to do over the next few weeks such as move him from his big travel system pram/buggy thing to a smaller, fold-away buggy, start him on eating what we're eating at meal times (blended and pureed if possible), move him out of our room and into his own room etc. I'm worried that I won't be able to do any of it without express consent and that this will be an uphill struggle. I wish she would trust me to just get on with it.

Haven't read whole thread as am on way out to work.

It sounds like you're doing a good job on the whole and are pretty considerate of her feelings but bear in mind two things:

Your situation will still be considered unusual by some and it's possible she's getting a certain amount of earache from old fashioned types about being the main worker, which is bound to make her feel more sensitive.

PND is a bastard. I was diagnosed and on meds prior to returning to work but still found leaving my DD (with DH or grandparents) a massive wrench and had a relapse. You will probably need to tiptoe a bit and keep an eye on DW - perhaps coming off the meds just prior to returning to work might not have been the best idea?

DH and I have been in your position. He took over as SAHD for 6 months and I went back to work. I just had to let him get on with it, and I did the feeds when I got up and in the evening when at home before work, that was still my role. Everything else he did, but having that time each morning and evening helped a lot.

But I didn't nit pick him, sure I wouldn't do things his way. But honestly I never asked him how much milk she drank, how he transported her around. Yes I was interested in their day but seriously unless your baby is in distress I think she needs to accept that you are parenting well.

If she has come off medication and she is still struggling maybe your wife needs to go back to her GP and talk this through. You ALL shouldn't have to live like that.

MN has double standards, but this really takes the biscuit!

Can you just imagine if a dh was criticising in this way? People would be offering to lynch him after she had - obviously - LTB.

In fact I had the other way round - pil bought a heavy pram, I couldn't manage it, I just went and bought a lighter one. The end. At eight months a baby is getting a bit big for a travel system anyway and it's much easier to schlep them round in a buggy, especially if you're in and out of a car.

OP, your dw can't be the breadwinner and run the home and family. For a start it's too exhausting and secondly it then becomes a dictatorship and not a partnership. And, I note that she cleaves towards her own family. Fair enough, don't we all. But to then complain about the dh's family's involvement is absolutely not on.

It does sound like you have taken over. I don't understand the issue with the travel system. We have a 13 month and we have both, some situations need the big travel system some need the buggy so can't you use both? Things like milk, weaning, where she sleeps and things like that are of course discussed between the two of us, it doesn't matter who is at home- it is a parenting decision we both make. Being the parent who stays at home doesn't give you the final say.

It's true you would have had a different response if it was a sahm posting about her Dh being critical and controlling, but I think that it is a situation where by handling it sensitively and taking into account the fact that she is a new mum who has suffered pnd it will have a better chance of a good outcome for the family.

A man is so much less likely to suffer feelings of guilt and failure going off to be the full time breadwinner and leaving his wife to be a sahm. It's just the weight of cultural expectation on the roles of mother and father.

If the Dh can be understanding to his wife and make sure she feels secure in her role of being a good mum, even though she is working, it will be much better for their relationship. Yes he needs to make her see that she has to stop being controlling and critical, but she is quite vulnerable in terms of her MH and it should be done in a very kind, gentle manner.

As I said above its so important for parents to be on the same page with their parenting decisions and just talking about things a lot and coming to joint decisions about what to do in different situations makes them both feel included. With two of you working together as a team you are stronger and will get a better result, but if you are working against each other it weakens the whole family.

If this was a woman posting about her husband then it would be a different situation. In the more common set up the father would have gone back to work after 2 weeks or so, and not been heavily involved in looking after the child due to work. The father also wouldn't typically have been suffering from PND and been medicated for that.

For me this isn't about male/female, it's about how one person has been the main carer for 8 months, whilst being treated for PND. They then swap to being at work full time, and come off their medication. It's bound to cause stress and anxiety.

Is this a permanent arrangement or are you taking extended paternity leave up to the 12 month mark?

I think that you also have to be cognisant of the fact that if you are going back to work that you will both have to work together and have very consistent approaches to your child's care.

For those of you pointing out that the situation would receive different responses if I were female and she were male, I just want to make it clear that it is not the same thing. She carried DS for 9 months, gave birth to him and was his primary carer for 7 months before going back to work. A man can't do all of that and the situation is not the same.

I appreciate that you're trying to defend my POV but you have to take that into consideration.

I would just like her to have a wee bit more faith in me and let me get on with looking after DS without passing judgement or living in fear that I'm going to get something wrong all the time. I don't think it's unreSonable to ask for that. But I have taken a lot of comments and suggestions on board from this thread about slowing things down a little and understanding her POV.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

This is a permanent change. My wife made it clear that she wanted to go back to work and focus on her career. We explored millions of possibilities and discussed it at length. I have even offered for us to swap many times, with me returning to work again but she seems certain that this is what she wants.

When you chat to your wife it's worth emphasising that a lot of changes developmentally happen from 6 months and youre just reflecting dc new needs rather than judging how she did it.

Also a smaller pushchair makes more sense when you're driving and only using it for shorter journeys. Perhaps still use the big ones when you go for a walk.

I'm with you Yimpy, YANBU at all.

However, what I would say is - don't get bogged down in the details. You mention a lot about what baby 'should' be doing and what you have read. Just go with the flow, doing your thing. Cut down on bottles if a lot is getting wasted - otherwise, don't.

I think maybe your wife is feeling a little bit redundant at the moment and I'm sure the PND won't help this. I don't think she will ever stop offering her opinion - DH has been a SAHD for nearly 3 years and I don't - I can't help myself!

I was a fusspot with the way DH did things with our first. His ways weren't wrong, just not my way. Not much help to you but I eventually just let him get on with it. I think your wife is behaving normally even though she's being slightly unfair.

I don't think YABU. But I feel like I need to tell you to slow down, and not because of your wife, but just in general.

I have noticed that it is really common for parents to be rushing through all the stages with their first baby. I did it too. Getting them weaned, getting them taking less bottles etc etc. All this stuff needs to happen, but it happens gradually, and in your first couple of posts I got the impression you were like a man on a mission with these things, like it was a problem that needed tackled immediately.

Same with the buggy. If the fold away buggy is handy when you are out with DS on your own then use it then, but there is no harm in still using the travel system as well. 8 months is still so tiny, and you might as well get some more use out of it.

In the coming months, DS will start to crawl (if he isn't already), start to walk, take less bottles etc. I was at a one year olds birthday a few weeks ago, and the angst among the parents because little Tabitha wasn't walking yet, or little Timothy still won't try many foods etc made me feel really sad. It wasn't just chit chat, it was real worry about things that will largely happen on their own.

I can see why your wife might feel a bit panicked. She left a tiny 7 month old to go back to work, and in only a month there is talk of all this change that she wasn't expecting yet.

I still resent my ex, DD1s dad, as on her first birthday he threw out all the bottles, and made her use a cup. We were already split by then, so when he had her and I sent her bottles he wouldn't send them back. She was still only tiny. He also ranted at me on a weekly basis about her dummy from she was 18 months, until she finally gave it to Santa at 3. He was and is a pillock and I am annoyed at myself for allowing him to rush her, and me, like that.

You don't sound the same as him at all, but your thread reminded me of that!

Having read some of this thread, and having been through PND, a couple of thoughts spring to mind that might be slightly helpful.

The first 2-3 years of a child's life, particularly when it's your first, are a constant game of catch-up. Every time you've worked out what your child needs, oops, they've moved on and need something else now! I found I spent a lot of time thinking through how and why I wanted to do or change something. (actually I still do and my kids are 10 and 13....) Your wife has to let go, now that she is not needing to be 90% in charge, , but it's hard, and will take time to adjust

Also, can you consider whether your wife is actually criticising what you are doing, or merely trying to make helpful suggestions? If you try framing it as suggestions and respond accordingly you may find that all she needs is the reassurance that you are also thinking through what you doing, and considering the possible consequences when deciding. (note I am coming from the perspective of having an over-sensitive husband whose default reaction is to think "i'm being criticised" even from the most innocuous "why don't you ..." or "would you like to do" suggestion. He's got some insight and we're working on it!)

Finally, I guess your wife has come off medication pretty rapidly - it is often recommended to stay on it a bit longer (eg 6 months from being properly well) - going back to work is stressful. Mind you, unless she's got a history of previous depression she's got a good chance of everything going fine. I'd advise caution in raising this if you feel you need to.

I can see this from both sides tbh. I can see why you want to be able to find your own way of doing things but I can also see your wife's perspective.

You seem to be changing a lot of things from the way she did them. Is it possible she sees this as a criticism of herself/her way? It must feel a bit strange to go from being the one being the primary carer and making the decisions to being out at work all day. (I know when dh first went back to work after paternity leave he struggled with the fact that things were changing when he wasn't there and it knocked his confidence in dealing with dc1 a bit) Would it work better if you made her feel more involved in the decisions? Perhaps asking her advice would show her you respect and value her experience and opinion? You do sound a bit dismissive of her when you're talking about the bottles, for example. (As an aside, an 8mo should still be getting the bulk of their nutrition from milk.)

My greatest fear when I had PND was that other people would think I was therefore a crap mother. It's a really tough thing to go through.

I think you need to both relax a little bit.
There doesn't need to be 'one way' of doing things, it shouldn't be her way or your way. Try and think of childcare being a bit more fluid.
As an example, babies don't need a fixed amount of formula at this age. Some days he (sorry, is it a girl or a boy?) might want more milk and less food, other days less milk and more food. As long as he is not hungry or dehydrated and gaining weight it doesn't really matter.
Same with the buggy/travel system .I used to have both.

I agree with noeffingidea you are both being a bit rigid in your ideas of what is the "right" way, when often there are several acceptable ways of doing something. I think this might be because he is your PFB. But being a bit more laid back and flexible will be a good idea for both of you. Aiming for being a good enough parent, not a perfect parent is much less stressful.

You both need to talk about parenting methods and agree them, however, if you are looking after the baby then she has to trust you.
It is not easy for her to let go, that is understandable, but criticising you does nothing for your confidence and that is not good for the baby either.

She cannot have control of a situation at home when she is at work, which is where you say she wants to be. If I felt the way she did I would stay at home and let my DP go to work. I certainly wouldn't be telling my DP how he should be looking after his own child anymore than I would tolerate someone telling me how to look after my child.

Just a thought but one thing I really appreciated when I went back to work was my husband sending a daily picture with a little message from DS's point of view about what they had been doing that day - always brought a smile to my face and helped me feel still connected!

Same with the buggy. If the fold away buggy is handy when you are out with DS on your own then use it then, but there is no harm in still using the travel system as well. 8 months is still so tiny, and you might as well get some more use out of it.

^^ And it will be much warmer come the winter if you are just out and about locally.
We bought an umbrella fold around 11 months just to keep in the car but the travel system is soooo much nicer to use if you don't need the car. You can steer it one handed with a cup of coffee which is an absolute essential

I would really try to take it into account what mathanxiety Thu 01-Oct-15 07:38:50 has said. I would also try to ensure that you are doing your own research so that changes you are making hold water. You will massively undermine her confidence in you if you ever use the phrase "Mum said" She will have read every manual going and looked for latest guidance on nutrition and baby development etc which is materially different from our parents day.

One last point - I went back to work around the same time as your wife. I had a full time nanny share at home but had to frequently travel for work so there was a huge element of sink or swim for my husband. They change so frequently at that age that our biggest problem was trying to keep up with it all. Nap times moved, she ate different food and in much different quantities from one week to the next. Different toys fell into favour etc etc. You get the picture. One way to make her feel more in touch and to have more confidence [fundamentally this is actually about her not you] is to know that she could step back in without any trouble? What does the daily routine look like - is it written down, is it updated. Are there planned activities for the week? Not necessarily happy clappy stuff every day but some sort of structure so your child gets some fresh air daily.

It's a bit OCD but I wrote it all up as a daily planner for my husband and MIL, who was very sniffy about it - raised two kids etc etc., but admitted when I got back that it had been a huge help to have a quick look and think "Ah yes, usually has a 30 min nap in the pram at 9am on the way somewhere, that's why DC is grizzling".

its also dead handy to have done when you can get family to step in and help out with confidence so you can do something nice with your wife

Thanks Osolea I was trying in vain to raise that but my message got lost and somehow yours was listened it but glad it has been.

As far as I am concerned all this talk of be more sympathetic or you are making her feel like she is doing it wrong because you are changing things is ridiculous because it wouldn't be what people would say if its the other way round.

So no sympathy for the OPs DW then? The situation is not the same as just a simple gender reversal. One parent has been the main carer for 8 months and then instantly swaps to being a full time worker. At the same time they have stopped taking PND medication. Surely it's reasonable to factor this in to the equation and think that the DW might be struggling and this is how it's coming out?

I don't think anyone had said that the OP is being unreasonable to want a different pram, or to want to get dressed when he wants. That's clearly fine. How he handles the relationship with his DW is the challenge here. Just telling her to do one because she's being unreasonable is probably not going to work.

The first few years of the first child's life are never really about the growth and development of the child. The child is going to get on with things in his or her own sweet time regardless of most of the physical aspects of care as long as basic needs are met.

The early baby and childhood years are all about the growth and development of the parents, both as individuals and as a couple.

Any approach that ignores the emotional element of the adults' lives and focuses on fixing things where the baby is concerned is going to backfire. Sliceofsoup illustrates this perfectly, and very sadly.

Don't make it into a struggle. Nobody will win that. All you will end up doing is storing up massive piles of resentment that will cast a shadow over both of your lives for years, if not for the rest of your lives.

Take her PND into account in all things. Just because she has come off her meds doesn't mean it is gone or that it is not still making itself felt.

She will make a quip if I let him sleep in the living room with me after he goes down so I can watch TV, she is constantly asking about how I make his meals, picks at me if I have a lazy morning and don't get us washed and dressed until after his breakfast (his second feed).

No but as above the fact his wife criticizes him for things like that is very unreasonable because it was a reversal the response would be completely different. Just because she was the main carer for 8 months doesn't give her some special privilege of criticizing him on those things. She shouldn't dictate when he gets dressed just because her preferred way is before breakfast or whatever it is - does it even matter in the grand scheme of things if that changed. DH is now the main carer and if on one day he didn't get the baby dressed and washed before his breakfast what does it matter, the baby isn't harmed in anyway.

That is the double standard that people are hearing saying well its ok she is behaving in that way - er no not on that she isn't.

Thanks to everybody for all of your advice and guidance, it has really been eye-opening and very helpful. I didn't expect more than a few responses to this thread.

I had a chance to speak to DW this morning and we got a lot out of our system (in a good way). She confirmed that she was feeling a little bit stressed being back at work and that she missed DS a lot while she wasn't home. She saw that I was breaking up the routine that she had built up and felt a little worried about it.

We've talked about plans for DS and have decided to just go with the flow for the time being, slowing things down a little bit. We've agreed on basic things like using the lighter buggy, moving DS over to his own room and feeding habits. Things are definitely looking up.