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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore the mother shouting at her daughter through our wall?

66 replies

BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 17:02

I live in a terraced house. I live alone with my two DC. My next door neighbour is also a single Mum, who has one DD (aged 8). I am sort of on nodding terms with her (it's London). We are fairly friendly when we see each other but I know nothing about her other than the fact that DD's father is not around.

Since we moved in a year ago, I have heard her regularly shouting at her daughter through the wall which separates our houses. I don't mean that she shouts at her daughter through the wall; I hear her doing through the wall. I can hear it particularly clearly when I sit on my DS's bed at night reading him bedtime stories.

I very much take the view that I should just ignore it, goodness knows I have a good shout at mine sometimes. But it hit me last night that it has become much worse - it is every night and the girl cries for long periods afterwards. So last night's example was:
Mum: "Go to fucking bed! I am fucking tired of you! You really do my head in"
Daughter: (crying) "I don't want to!"
Mum: (really shouting) "You fucking respect me! I am your fucking mother!" (cue a sound like someone kicking a door).
D: (sound of crying)
Mum: "Fucking listen to me! I am tired to the back teeth of you. You are a fucking nightmare. I warn you, it can't go on like this".
D: (sound of crying for about half an hour).

Other times it has been "you are so fucking ungrateful" and "I fucking hate you" (all mother) and yes the use of the f word every time. The D quite often cries that she is frightened.

I just don't think it has reached the stage where I should do anything - I don't think she is hitting her (although she is plainly afraid) but it breaks my heart to hear this little girl crying night after night.

AIBU to ignore?

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 30/09/2015 17:08

Yes, you are.

Whatever started it that is the sound of a mum who is not coping well. SS won't do anything horrendous, they will refer her to all sorts of support, which she and her daughter need.

Pick up the phone and explain what you hear, when and stress that you think she is really not coping and needs help.

You could also nod more often, smile a bit, stop and ask about the new school year, maybe just be a little bit more friendly, she may or may not respond well.

But do make a call. They both need someone to intervene.

Original poster
BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 17:11

That's really good advice, thank you. You are right to say that I could make bit more of an effort and if I'm being honest, hearing it has put me off being friendly but you're right maybe having a friendly neighbour would help. And if she is not interested that's OK too.

OP posts:
AlwaysOutnumberdNeverOutgunned · 30/09/2015 17:12

That's horrid, clearly she is struggling, not sure what would help but I would be sorely tempted to post a parenting strategy book through the door anon and keep doing so until things change!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 30/09/2015 17:19

Goodness, it's like re-living my childhood, reading your OP. I wish someone had helped me at the time, if you think it's bad hearing it, try having it directed at you.....

Narp · 30/09/2015 17:21

YABU

She is being verbally abusive and it sounds like she is at the end of her tether. I would ring the NSPCC and ask their advice. No child should have to suffer this

Narp · 30/09/2015 17:22

.... and no mother should go on feeling so desperate that she has to voice this to their child.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2015 17:24

If you died, and the person who had responsibility of caring for your dd was speaking to them like that, and the neighbour could hear, what would you want them to do?

Floggingmolly · 30/09/2015 17:25

When do you think it will have reached the stage where you should do something, exactly? Hmm

Crazypetlady · 30/09/2015 17:44

I feel so sorry for her daughter.
I also feel sorry for the mother to a point. She could be struggling and need help.
Or she could just be abusive with no excuses.
Either way for the little girls sake Please report it.

ppeatfruit · 30/09/2015 17:48

Yes ring the NSPCC they do help. I've reported a couple of obvious child neglect cases i(interestingly one was right next door to a relative who complained to me but did nothing). They don't ask for names or anything if you don't want to be identified; no child should have to go through that.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2015 17:49

Don't ignore.

Our next door neighbours sometimes had civilised singsongs in their living room. Never a problem, never at an anti social time, never unreasonably loud, but we could hear when they were doing it. We could often hear their television going at a decent volume too.

So there's no way they didn't hear the constant screaming matches in our house, especially Dad with his foghorn voice screaming that I was a piece of shit, that I was on the verge of being fucking murdered, that he was going to give me the back of his hand, that I should kill myself, and so on. There is no way they didn't hear me screaming and crying after being slapped, kicked, punched or hit with a flying hardback book.

I wish to God they had done something and that the police had come during one of those episodes. Or even a social worker making contact after being alerted. Things could have turned out very differently.

ppeatfruit · 30/09/2015 17:51

Sheba Sad

Original poster
BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 17:57

Right, I am SO pleased I asked now and I am devastated to hear some of the stories on here. I'm sorry if I sounded like I wasn't being proactive enough but being a single Mum myself I would die if someone reported me. But definitely will call NSPCC (better than social services?) for advice in the morning. You're all right. Thank you for making me see this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 17:58

Sheba. On a personal note, I am so sorry.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2015 17:59

Thanks ppeatfruit.

Adults often don't realise how terrifying they can be to children. Remember that kids are not only a lot smaller than we are, but in law they have far less autonomy. Obviously that's necessary, a five year old can't look after themselves, but it does also make them so much more vulnerable.

I'm not saying the mother is evil or isn't almost certainly struggling with her own troubles, but there's a terrified eight year old child crying every night while her mother screams and swears how much she hates her. If it's not turned physical yet, it likely will at some point. It's quite possible that OP is the only other person in the world who knows about it. Mother isn't going to get help, child wouldn't know how to. Someone has to get help to them, not necessarily to drag the mother off in handcuffs but to do something to resolve this horrendous situation.

Pretty sure Tracey Chapman sang about this...

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2015 17:59

And thank you BoccadiLupa :) So glad you've made the decision.

BlueBlueBelles · 30/09/2015 18:02

Please do something. Even if it's that you knock one day and ask mum if she's ok?

Years ago I was that mum. My neighbour knocked on my door. We didn't know each other. But she explained she was worried, I was being awful, and I could either go to the GP and ask for help or she would ring social services.

I went to the GP the next day. I was out on antidepressants and turned it around. I bought her flowers and thanked her. It wasn't a perfect solution instantly, but having someone ask if I was ok and they were worried (I was a single mum unexpectedly from desertion with two under threes) prompted me to ask for help.

If you don't feel comfortable doing that, please ring ss or nspca

ppeatfruit · 30/09/2015 18:03

Yes, let us know what they sayBocca.

Original poster
BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 18:05

I really will. Feel so grateful I asked you lot. And bit ashamed that I didn't figure out myself. Hmm

OP posts:
PollysHoliday · 30/09/2015 18:05

I've experienced a similar situation. I took the view that I may have been the only person in the world who knew what was happening. I felt that my neighbour's children became my responsibility in a way and I had to decide whether to continue to listen to their mother laying into them and do nothing or to be the voice they didn't have. So I contacted the NSPCC. I reasoned that if my neighbour was struggling then by reporting her she might access help, if she was doing something wrong the children would be protected.

Social services did contact my neighbour and evidently found no problems. She was very angry with me but, interestingly, I didn't hear her screaming at her children any more.

I didn't blame her for being angry but I still feel I was justified in reporting what I could hear.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 30/09/2015 18:22

So glad that you've taken pp advice. No child should be frightened of the person that is supposed to love and care for them. I agree that you should also try to get to know the mum, maybe she just can't cope, financial worries etc getting on top of her no excuse though . She may be all alone with no family or friends to turn to.

ConfusedInBath · 30/09/2015 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastuseraccount123 · 30/09/2015 18:40

just another post to say please do something.

poor kid.

Welshmaenad · 30/09/2015 19:14

Blue what a wonderful and brave neighbour you had. I'm so pleased things worked out well for you. Sheba I wish someone had spoken up for you.

Op, yes, please do share your concerns.

Septembersunrays · 30/09/2015 19:39

Social services did contact my neighbour and evidently found no problems

on another thread a SW said they need to be told, that if they know SW are coming they will put on a good front ( like tracey connolley) so YOU need to tell SW this so they do a drop in unannounced.

I wasstaggered and all the others....to read this.

I do feel for the mum too, she must also feel awful, I know because my toddler drives me mad and I mutter to myself.

I hope something can be done to support them both. esp child.

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