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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore the mother shouting at her daughter through our wall?

66 replies

BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 17:02

I live in a terraced house. I live alone with my two DC. My next door neighbour is also a single Mum, who has one DD (aged 8). I am sort of on nodding terms with her (it's London). We are fairly friendly when we see each other but I know nothing about her other than the fact that DD's father is not around.

Since we moved in a year ago, I have heard her regularly shouting at her daughter through the wall which separates our houses. I don't mean that she shouts at her daughter through the wall; I hear her doing through the wall. I can hear it particularly clearly when I sit on my DS's bed at night reading him bedtime stories.

I very much take the view that I should just ignore it, goodness knows I have a good shout at mine sometimes. But it hit me last night that it has become much worse - it is every night and the girl cries for long periods afterwards. So last night's example was:
Mum: "Go to fucking bed! I am fucking tired of you! You really do my head in"
Daughter: (crying) "I don't want to!"
Mum: (really shouting) "You fucking respect me! I am your fucking mother!" (cue a sound like someone kicking a door).
D: (sound of crying)
Mum: "Fucking listen to me! I am tired to the back teeth of you. You are a fucking nightmare. I warn you, it can't go on like this".
D: (sound of crying for about half an hour).

Other times it has been "you are so fucking ungrateful" and "I fucking hate you" (all mother) and yes the use of the f word every time. The D quite often cries that she is frightened.

I just don't think it has reached the stage where I should do anything - I don't think she is hitting her (although she is plainly afraid) but it breaks my heart to hear this little girl crying night after night.

AIBU to ignore?

OP posts:
Pennybun4 · 30/09/2015 23:13

NSPCC, I had this night after night with my neighbour years ago. Toddler being told to shut her fcking mouth up, screaming from mother. When father went in the bedroom the child had hysterics. They were locking the child in her bedroom at nights. I left it being quite young and found out later the mum had been abused as a child, I believe a repeat pattern was going on with her child.

She got pregnant again and they emigrated to Australia not long after. Don't know what happened to them or the kids but have always felt bad i did nothing.

plentyavino · 30/09/2015 23:15

Please don't leave it any later than tomorrow OP, sounds like this poor girl really needs you

inlawsareasses · 01/10/2015 01:14

Social services will be better as the NSPCC are only middle men when it comes to child abuse investigation
The NSPCC take the referral and then pass it on to social care by either telephone or fax they also contact the police
You can be anon with ss but you do need to refer in

Stanky · 01/10/2015 04:35

Hope the little girl can be helped.

Senpai · 01/10/2015 04:42

how you would feel if someone reported you op

No one likes being called on their shit. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Also, a mother's "feelings" are not worth more than a child's well being. They just aren't.

Social Services will do an investigation and it is up to them to determine if something is going on. But it's important to report it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/10/2015 06:44

I'd be mortified if someone thought my parenting warranted thAt level of concern. I'd want to reflect on what I was doing that was so wrong and see if I could change.

Fugghetaboutit · 01/10/2015 08:02

NSPCC will just refer to SS so it's the same thing.

I was reported by a neighbour once. My ds was a toddler and I was alone and had no help and was at the end of my tether with a tantrumming highly strung child who would wake up screaming for 40+ mins from his nap and I yelled at him.

They called and had a chat and I said I did need more support but had got so in deep I couldn't see it.

The SS woman was nice and said she could hear I was a good mother and just needed support and that ds sounded bloody hard work.

I was referred to a childrens centre and a family support worker. She introduced me to stay and play classes etc. also had a call from HV.

It made me realise I needed to get control back on the situation.
I do wish my neighbour had spoken to me to see if I was ok too but she didn't have kids and probably didn't know how to help.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 01/10/2015 08:09

Horrible. So sad to hear that is being said to a dc. Great advice on here though.

She sounds like she is not coping and it is sad.

It sounds different to the mums I have come across, largely at school, who are very stern with their dc but basically love them. The swearing and ranting suggest that she has lost a handle on things.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 01/10/2015 08:12

Ps read that back and realised it looked like I was saying she didn't love her DD. I'm sure she does absolutely but j meant that her love is not showing through if she is losing control this much.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/10/2015 08:13

Hi op

I agree with everyone else. Would it be feasible for you to record the shouting coming through the wall, so you've got some evidence to present to SS if the mother is uncooperative or denies it all?

I'm glad you're going to take action. My mother wasn't as bad as this but she wasn't great either. 'Fat, lazy, useless slob' was one of her favourites as I recall. Oh and 'Look at your fat gut, that's disgusting'. It still sticks, even though I'm 33 and all grown up. Children's feelings matter.

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 01/10/2015 18:26

Have you managed to make a call OP?

JapaneseSlipper · 01/10/2015 23:46

deep breath I know it's bad form to pile on when the point has been made. And OP you have been great at taking on the advice here. We are all really happy that you are going to make the call.

But i just really struggle with this line "I just don't think it has reached the stage where I should do anything" - not your fault OP, I know you have changed your view but it still makes me incredibly sad that people still think this way. That poor little girl.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/10/2015 23:56

Did you call them op? Poor little mite :(

FanOfSpam · 02/10/2015 00:45

Did she bloody hell Sad

tiredvommachine · 02/10/2015 01:51

Regardless of what the OP has or hasn't done in relation to what has or hasn't happened in relation to this thread, the points about calling SS or NSPCC are valid ones but can I stress this should be a call to the police as a concern for person.

The caller can be anonymous and say they were just walking past if they like but this warrants intervention asap whatever the time of day or night.

Police have the power to force entry to save life and limb in the case of the door not being answered and id have no qualms about doing this to check on this child.

I can only guess if mum is as stressed as depicted, there will be other tell tale signs all isn't well in the house and a referral would be made to our family unit to follow up long term and to offer support to the child and mother.

Please, if in doubt, call 999.
I'd go to this type of job all day long and I know my colleagues would say the same.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/10/2015 02:42

Hope you called, good luck.

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