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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore the mother shouting at her daughter through our wall?

66 replies

BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 17:02

I live in a terraced house. I live alone with my two DC. My next door neighbour is also a single Mum, who has one DD (aged 8). I am sort of on nodding terms with her (it's London). We are fairly friendly when we see each other but I know nothing about her other than the fact that DD's father is not around.

Since we moved in a year ago, I have heard her regularly shouting at her daughter through the wall which separates our houses. I don't mean that she shouts at her daughter through the wall; I hear her doing through the wall. I can hear it particularly clearly when I sit on my DS's bed at night reading him bedtime stories.

I very much take the view that I should just ignore it, goodness knows I have a good shout at mine sometimes. But it hit me last night that it has become much worse - it is every night and the girl cries for long periods afterwards. So last night's example was:
Mum: "Go to fucking bed! I am fucking tired of you! You really do my head in"
Daughter: (crying) "I don't want to!"
Mum: (really shouting) "You fucking respect me! I am your fucking mother!" (cue a sound like someone kicking a door).
D: (sound of crying)
Mum: "Fucking listen to me! I am tired to the back teeth of you. You are a fucking nightmare. I warn you, it can't go on like this".
D: (sound of crying for about half an hour).

Other times it has been "you are so fucking ungrateful" and "I fucking hate you" (all mother) and yes the use of the f word every time. The D quite often cries that she is frightened.

I just don't think it has reached the stage where I should do anything - I don't think she is hitting her (although she is plainly afraid) but it breaks my heart to hear this little girl crying night after night.

AIBU to ignore?

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/09/2015 19:43

She is abusing her regardless of whether it's physical you should call the nspcc. Yabu to ignore. Poor girl has no one else to stick up for her.

Senpai · 30/09/2015 19:46

I fucking hate you

ShockSad That poor girl.

Yes, you need to contact someone. You can't just ignore this.

Obs2015 · 30/09/2015 19:51

Wonders what exactly can be done? What support do you think is available?

Dawndonnaagain · 30/09/2015 19:52

OP I am 56. I have spent most of my life thinking that I'm short, fat, thick and ugly. (I have multiple degrees and am average looking and average height). I have had periods of severe depression and despite being overweight at the moment, I've had bouts of anorexia too. We lived in a flat. Everybody could hear my mother beating me and verbally abusing me, but she was the local headteacher and had a posh accent and a posh name so nobody thought they would be believed, I certainly wasn't on the odd occasion I ran away (and god I paid for that)! Please, please help this family, it would have made such a difference to my life.
Thank you.

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2015 20:15

Don't ignore. You can report anonymously if you wish. unless you are the only two houses in your street I expect others have heard. But no one has done anything. So yes, please do report. For the sake of this child, and her mum (she sounds at end of tether and needs help) and for your own peace of mind.

mrdaddypig · 30/09/2015 20:37

i have been in the past had some one report us it was noted as malicious and that is exactly what it was it was a awful situation the parent sounds awfuly stressed maybe offer her some support if you feel you can can i ask how you would feel if someone reported you op ? the thing is social services are not their to help as you may think if genuine neglect then i agree to raise a concern i am not by all means condoning the parents actions by swearing and talking to her child in that way i hope everyone on this thread searches through google to see how social services really are fassit is a good place to start if it was me i would talk with her first unless you think the child is in danger

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/09/2015 20:49

I think you should report her OP
I understand your trepidation and she is clearly not coping and needs a wake up call

Good luck - not read whole thread but hope not been pasted

BlueBlueBelles · 30/09/2015 20:51

Welsh I often think of her and her intervention (we've since moved) I still struggle with my parenting at times, but the difference now is I ask for help loudly, I am aware when what I'm doing is wrong. She was very brave - we lived on a rough estate at the time, and there was far far worse going on around us, but she quite honestly saved me that day.

yorkshapudding · 30/09/2015 20:52

I work in children's mental health and I can assure you that hearing their own Mother say "I fucking hate you" is every bit as detrimental to a child as physical abuse or serious neglect.

This Mother needs support and her child needs protection.

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2015 20:53

Ah BoccadiLupa I see you are going to call, great, well done. So glad you asked and listened.

Sheba so very sorry.

Best of luck to all who are coping with the aftermath of abuse and neglect as children. Please, please do get some talking therapy help if you can. It can help to change the track in your head telling you negative things about yourself.

I am not speaking from experience of this but I am someone who has had anxiety and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy worked so well for me.

It may be a different therapy but you can change the record in your head that tells you negative things about yourself, I do really believe it can be so.

But for the next generation I do so hope that interventions can come sooner, help be there for parents who need it, and sanctions for parents who need help and won't accept it.

Good luck all. We are all so precious.

BlueBlueBelles · 30/09/2015 20:54

I would like to clarify I have never told my kids I hate them. I have sworn and shouted wrongly though.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/09/2015 20:59

Blue thanks for being so honest . I think we default to thinking the worst and I am so touched by your honesty - and I hope op can help her neighbout

Thus website teaches me a lot

And Flowers to you all too

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/09/2015 21:52

You cannot turn a blind eye or in this case a deaf ear.
This is mental and emotional abuse. They both need support, and that doesn't mean ss will go round and take the child away. They will work with the mother, because any mother that can say I hate you, to her own child has clearly hit rock bottom.

Welshmaenad · 30/09/2015 22:25

mrdaddypig, you are talking utter bollocks. I know very well what social services are 'like'.

fridgepants · 30/09/2015 22:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

FanOfSpam · 30/09/2015 22:40

What?! You needed to come here to guage reactions to this horrifying emotional abuse? Pull your fucking finger out and DO something.

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 30/09/2015 22:45

Nspcc are open 247 so no need to wait if your only reason is sociable hours! 0800 1111

Devora · 30/09/2015 22:46

FanOfSpam, that is completely uncalled for. OP has said she will be taking action.

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 30/09/2015 22:46

I mean child line, not nspcc. They do good advice for adults and children!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/09/2015 22:50

"How would you feel if someone reported you, op.",
But op is not mentally and emotionally abusing her child is she.
Don't make op out as the monster here. Please, Daddy Pig

blibblobblub · 30/09/2015 22:52

OP, my neighbour was like this. We'd hear her yelling at the kids on a morning. Put it down to just normal manic morning stress.

Then it progressed to screaming and swearing every day. You could pretty much set your watch by it. I knew what time she got up, what time she got the kids up, what time they left for school just by the noise. One day she must have really flipped, we heard her screaming at her son something about a suitcase and then "get out of my fucking house" over and over again. Her kids are primary age.

I rang the NSPCC that afternoon and they made a referral to children's services. The morning after I heard her call her daughter a "fucking little bitch" so it clearly wasn't a one off.

I don't know what happened exactly - we were going away for the weekend anyway - but since then it has calmed down a lot. That was about a year ago maybe. And she does still shout, she's really loud, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was. I still have a reference number saved in my phone in case it gets bad and I need to call them again.

So please do call them, and hopefully some good will come of it.

Original poster
BoccadiLupa · 30/09/2015 22:55

Hey Dawn - another truly awful story and I am so sorry to hear that. I'm sorry if I have stirred up awful memories for some people. So update - tonight there was the usual shouting, and this time it seemed to centre around the fact that the daughter had somehow accused her DM of not telling the truth about something because it was all 'you are never to call me a fucking liar!' over and over. The girl cried a lot again. I faithfully promise that I'll call the NSPCC first thing. I didn't do it tonight because my DCs weren't in bed until gone 9, the monsters. I've chosen NSPCC because they are more likely to let me be anonymous initially but if the say SS I'll do that too. Will report back.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 30/09/2015 23:05

Please ring local social services as well as nspcc and make a note of who you speak to. Also if you know the school child attends please ring them with your concerns. Child may be already known to ss and school might be aware of a change in behaviour. All this can be joined up. Never ever ignore this type of behaviour, it almost always escalates. This child is being emotionally abused.

ouryve · 30/09/2015 23:08

Have only RTFT, but that's not a frustrated mum raising her voice. It's a fucking abusive tirade .

ouryve · 30/09/2015 23:09

RTFP!