To check that I'm not the only person who constantly fears the absolute worst?

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

I'll begin by saying that I do suffer from diagnosed anxiety disorder, and have previously suffered from extreme pnd (twice) and clinical depression, but that they are now under control (mostly).

What I'm trying to work out is if anyone else spends a large portion of their life worrying that the worst possible thing might happen.

Some of the things that I obsess about are, kids going on school excursions, whether they involve walking somewhere or catching a coach. I am convinced that one of my children will run out on the road and be killed, or the bus will crash, killing not only my child, but many others.

I struggle with getting on any public transport (but especially aeroplanes), for the same reasons. I have unfortunately missed a holiday due to my fear of flying.

When I visited my sons new high school, I noticed that some of the corridors are external and have 'balcony' type railings. In my mind, either overcrowding might cause my son to be knocked over to his death, or some huge bully might throw him over because he is shy and timid.

When my children catch common illnesses, I am genuinely afraid that they have a terminal illness, or even a complication which might cause them to die unexpectedly.

I can't think of my husbands commute (45 minutes each way) without imagining the police at my door, breaking terrible news to me.

I also can't allow any of the dc to have housecoat belts/yoyos/pull string toys etc in their bedrooms, because I'm convinced that they might hang thrmselves overnight.

The list goes on, but in short, I think the reason that these things scare me so much is because that I know they do actually happen and that makes me think I'm not overreacting. Although part of me says it would be extremely unlikely.

In my defence, I have had a fair few shitty things happen to me and mine over the past couple of years which may be colouring my view.

Before anyone jumps on me, I want to make it known that I have a few responses to my feelings:
(1) I pretend it's not happening, I take (prescribed) Valium, let the kids do their thing, and float in a haze until it's over.

(2) I spend the entire time that the said activity is happening shaking, on the verge of tears, with diahreah and vomiting, but still allow it to go ahead.

(3) I sometimes forbid the activities from taking place completely (although, I really try hard to make this s last resort if I just can not manage (1) or (2).

I suppose I just want to know if there are other people who continually expect the worst possible outcome, and if so, how the hell do you deal with it for the best possible outcome for yourself and your children.

I don't think it is what you want to hear.

But the thing that helps this is therapy, and mindfulness

I think what's stopping me from reaching out for therapy is that the things I worry about are real possibilities - not like alien invasion or the apocalypse. Things that could honestly really happen. Does that make me irrational and need counselling?

They are unlikely possibilities. They need to be kept into proportion. I think it would really help you and your family if you could get some help - try Albus' suggestion, and it might just work.

Yes.

But I'm not a fan of therapy. So I'll say something better than Valium for the anxiety you're experiencing.

Anything can happen to any one of us but you can't go through life stressing to that extent about it.. It's a waste of life for starters. It's time to banish it as much as possible and if therapy helps then give it a whirl.

I'm a bit like that, although it doesn't take over, but I do catastrophise a lot. I think I missed my vocation and should have been a H&S advisor as I can see danger and pitfalls in any situation . Sorry, I don't have any advice, just showing a bit of solidarity

I think what you describe is very far from normal, very worrying, and damaging to your family, and you should be seeking more help.

I think what you describe is very far from normal, very worrying, and damaging to your family, and you should be seeking more help.

Seconded, it sounds exhausting & that's probably causing a loop....

I'm afraid it does still make us irrational yes.

You are right a million bad things could happen, but one massively bad thing is happening now, you are miserable because you are so worried.

You need to work on stopping the bad thing which is happening (the anxiety) rather than worrying about the things which might.

I worry about the kind of things you worry about. Eg I worry when Dh has all dc in the car going somewhere, I'm would hate to be the only survivor of my family.

I wouldn't say it takes over my life though.

The things you are thinking about are possibilities, but that doesn't make it rational for you to worry this much.

You need help. Fear is a horrible thing to live with, and it will steal all the pleasure you could have from the fact that none of those things have happened to your family.

From experience, I agree mindfulness might help.

I can relate to what you're saying OP, I used to catastrophise all the time. But recently my brother died aged 28, and that sort of went out of the window. I'm not sure why - I think I've just realised that life is so random, and that bad things happen regardless of whether I worry about them or not! I just have to accept it.

I would also add that I thought my anxiety was completely normal (in my family it is), but it's such a relief to be free of it. It sounds like you're quite aware though.

Yes these things are possible but it is far from normal to expend this much energy catastrophising. And I say this as someone who has been there. I had terrible PND/anxiety/depression combo.

I had CBT and while the depression and anxiety are still factors in my life they don't have such control anymore. I was too scared to drive with DD in the car, to leave her with anyone, for DH to travel for work and through CBT I can now do all those things without even a second thought.

I really feel for you, if you would like to PM me for a more private chat feel free

You're not the only one
I spent the whole day in tears when DS1 went on a school trip. They were taking the tube and all I could think about was my son falling onto the tracks and getting killed by the train.
When DS2 was born (3 months ago), I got so wound up about cot death, I couldn't sleep at night. I just sat there, watching him, making sure he was breathing. I then got the baby monitor, which helped a bit.
I've tried CBT but it didn't help much.

Big hugs, I know how you feel

I have these kind of thoughts but they don't take over too much. I mentioned the anxiety to the GP who said its normal to have an increase of anxiety when you have kids. It's keeping it under control that's important, CBT could help, even through a book or online scheme. Mindfulness is an option as it helps you yo ignore the thoughts rather than fight them. I've found my anxiety has reduced noticeably since changing from the mini pill/injection to the combined pill. I'd advise anyone with anxiety or depression to come off their hormonal contraception for a few months to see if it helps.

OP I have exactly the same fears as you regarding my daughter (who is an adult) and my husband. My daughter likes to travel all over the world and she does this alone (California next month) and my husband drives, so any journey either of them go on, whether its a few miles or thousands of miles, I have the same fears, and as you say, imagine the police knocking on the door.
Fortunately for me, I don't have such a severe physical reaction as you do, e.g. shaking, diarrhoea and vomiting, that must be so awful, but I certainly have the fears. I have had severe clinical depression all my life (hospitalised at 16) and am now 61 and will be on medication for the rest of my life.

You could be me! its horrible isn't it.

I have had lots of therapy, only the last lot really scratched the surface.

We have inherited anxiety for a very good reason. If we never experienced anxiety then we would be walking out in front of cars, falling off cliffs and feeding ourselves to the lions. So anxiety is a good thing. The flight or fight feelings we have give us the energy boost we need to get ourselves out of the shit. Its all normal. What is not normal is not being able to rationalise it and switch it off. I believe this happens to many people when they have had too much sgtress for long periods of time or just too much full stop. Some peoples anxiety chemicals are just off kilter and it affects the way wt think.

You say you have diazepam but i only imagine this would be temporary. Are you on any anti anxiety medication?

I am on escitalopram and it works quite well - i still have all of the thoguhts you have but i can (mostly) switch them off.

All of the thigns you describe COULD happen, but they are extremely unlikely so how much head space should we give it? Enough to do what WE can to prevent these catastrophes, just like everyone else does but once its out of our control well then we have to let it go (that is so so difficult i know). Worrying about something bad happening is not going to stop it happening.

Sorry, am waffling now but i do know how you feel. If you are not on anxeity meds then do talk to your GP about it. A good therapist will help. The issue is, finding a good one!

I've had a terrible year (DM died, painfully. Lost a surprise baby late on.) and I've been on citalopram for about 4 years, due to severe anxiety caused by DM's illness beginning and OHSS after several rounds of IVF.

I was a mess. I've also had extensive counselling.

Both drugs and counselling have helped significantly. I can feel the anxiety ramping up, due date approaching (I have another thread running about it)

I'm starting to catastrophise about DD, DH and DMIL.. I was on a bumpyish flight the other week and that was not.. good, though it should have been fine.

What works for me (and I'm on the verge of another docs appointment to up my dose/push for more counselling) is to acknowledge that you are ILL in the same way as someone with a broken leg or the flu is.

Why is it ok to not be able to get out of bed when you have proper flu and people are telling you to give yourself a shake when you can't get out of bed when your anxiety or depression is kicking in?

I know it sounds patronising and I absolutely don't mean it to be, but that is what's going on and so many people just don't get it, including me for a long time. I should have had counselling and medication several years before.

I have a very good friend in a similar situation and the number of people who tell her to cheer up/how could she be anxious with all she has/buck up her ideas (check you, Enid Blyton) continually astonishes me.

Sorry, reading that back it's a bit ranty. But on your behalf, OP. Look after yourself and please have tonnes of hugs.... x

I should have added, I'm lucky that our daughter is still living at home, but she wants to move nearer London soon. Gawd knows how much I'll worry then, because she wants to live alone, and apart from her safety I know I will worry about her feeling lonely. I lived on my own from coming out of hospital at 16 until my mid-30's btw, so feel lucky that she's still at home in her 20's and we get on extremely well.

Yes, OP. I do this a lot too!!
I'm always thinking loved ones will die in car/train/plane crash.
I no longer put dishwasher or washing machine on at night as I'm convinced they'll catch fire and burn the house down.

I check hair styling equipment/ oven/ toaster is off over and over before leaving house...again fearing a house fire.
In my mind every middle east war news story is going to result soon in all out Nuclear war.

I was way worse when I had a overactive Thyroid...shaking with fear and almost unable to function.

CBT self help has helped me the most and controlling my Thyroid. As far as CBT goes, apart from writing down my thoughts and realising I am thinking of the worst possible, not the most likely, outcome.

I also found imagining my worst fears actually happening useful, kind of accepting that if worst happens I could cope..then I have less to fear.

I also feel a certain amount of fear helps me appreciate what I have more and I try and live more in the moment.

My CBT self help book author ('When Panic Attacks') says that anxiety is repressed anger in nice people...sometimes imagining horrible things happening to those you love, is repressed anger. Like they are really really frustrating you, but you don't want to admit it as you are too nice, so instead you have these thoughts and dreams of them in accidents/ horrible deaths!

I had anxiety (mild, longterm but slowly getting worse) and it stemmed from being abused (not seriously) by a family member as a child.

Is there anything in your childhood or background which you could be unconsciously suppressing - this was the cause of my probs, I believed it was trivial so never mentioned it until recently (counselling).

Only by unearthing it did I cure my anxiety.

I've lurked on MN for a while but never posted until now, as your post really struck a chord with me. I've experienced very similar anxieties to you - I don't have any DC yet so my anxiety is about my family and friends, particularly my parents. I dread that there will be some sort of accident. Travel and car journeys are particularly bad for this. My Df recently went on a driving holiday in Europe and at one point I really had I fight the urge to ask him not to go so he would stay safe! Of course he was fine and he had a great holiday.

I've also cancelled my own holiday plans (too afraid to fly) and had to rearrange work meetings so I don't have to travel. Fortunately I live and work in London so I don't need to drive (I've had panic attacks or felt them coming on at the wheel before) but I've loss count of how many times I've just had to get off the tube or train due to anxiety that sometimes grows into a full blown panic attack.

My anxiety manifests in lots of physical symptoms e.g. Feeling faint, nauseous, chest pain, shortness of breath. I know these are all classic signs of panic but it doesn't stop me thinking that something dreadful is happening, or I have a serious illness. Every minor niggle becomes a potential catastrophe, which just exacerbates the panic.

So for you, OP. It's a horrible way to feel. I still have lots of work to do on this myself but I find a couple of things helpful. Mindfulness is really good and stops the anxious thoughts from spiralling into panic. Thich Naht Hanh is a Buddhist writer I found particularly useful, who was recommended to me by a psychologist I saw for CBT.

I also found reading up on statistics and probability really useful, especially for travel anxieties. I know panic is irrational but it did help to see the cold hard fact that millions of people travel without incident every day.

Sorry for the very long post, but have you seen your GP recently? I see you've been prescribed Valium (me too!) and I've found it helpful when I've had panic attacks but I'm not sure if it's a long term solution. Your GP should be able to suggest other options such as CBT, which other posters have had success with. All the best, OP. I hope you start to feel more in control of your anxiety soon

You're not the only one. I do this.

And one of the worries about having children is that it would get 100 times worse.

I spend the whole time I'm on holiday worrying that the house will burn down. I obsessively check BBC local news for reports of fires when I'm away. I can't tell you the relief when I turn the corner and see the building still standing.

I also have a massive fear of accidents on roads. I make my husband text me on arrival every day. Once, he didn't text. I was texting and calling him and of course getting no answer. Thinking he was dead I then started checking the news for reports of fatal accidents. Turned out he'd just forgotten his phone. Which in hindsight was the obvious reason.

Another time my FIL was due to meet us somewhere, he texted to say he was leaving and that he'd see us in 45 minutes. 90 minutes later, no sign. I then saw the ambulance helicopter coming in to land at the hospital and was convinced he was in it after a crash. Felt sick. He turned up 10 minutes later after just being stuck in traffic.

Even worse, I worry that as soon as I stop worrying about these things, then it will happen, as if the catastrophe is trying to catch me off guard. So I have to keep thinking it.

Nobody understands, DP just thinks I'm a doom merchant.

I do this. But it isn't as bad as you describe, I don't feel physically ill about it or stop things happening a lot.

Say if the DCs are running about, I will see them fall over and bang their head and be unconscious. Or if there are children on a footpath and I am in the car I will see them run out and get run over. I see it in my head. Those are just examples, but I see the worst case in every scenario. It's exhausting. I imagine me dying, DH dying, the DCs dying. I imagine car crashes.

Even worse, I worry that as soon as I stop worrying about these things, then it will happen, as if the catastrophe is trying to catch me off guard. So I have to keep thinking it.

I think that too.

Fuck me. I didn't really realise how bad it was til I started thinking about it for this post.

I'm like sliceofsoup in that I see it in my head. So I look out at the patio and imagine my DS has climbed out and slipped.
I will not, however swelteringly hot it is, allow them to sleep with windows open. I watched an American programme once where they talked about how many child abductions take place whilst a child sleeps at night with an open window.
I'm also jittery about school and beavers/Cubs trips and I imagine all sorts of things but mainly to do with coach crashes.
Ds1 is 12. I need to get it sorted or I will not cope with his (normal) teenage behaviour.