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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think being a paedophile isn't a crime?

999 replies

KissingFish · 30/09/2015 11:04

I see posts from people both on here and other places (Facebook) about how paedophiles should all be killed and confusing the terms paedophile and child molester / child abuser.

They're not the same thing and honestly I don't think being a paedophile is a crime. It is a sexual orientation that nobody chooses to be born with. The same way people are born straight or gay.

Just because someone is a paedophile it doesn't mean they have acted on it and so it doesn't mean they are a child molester.

Surely if we all accepted that paedophilia is a sexual orientation we could help these people before they commit a crime. Before they act on it. I bet there are a LOT more paedophiles out there than we know about. They just don't act on it because they know it's wrong to act on it.

I am of course not saying being sexually attracted to children is a good thing or that it should ever be OK to act on it. No way. Just that I don't think people choose to be a paedophile and it must be pretty scary to realise you are attracted to children. Much the same way it used to be about being gay. And I don't imagine you can just ask friends, family or many people actually for help and advice.

I think in order to deal with a problem you need to understand it first.

I am willing to be convinced otherwise though if anyone has a good argument?

Disclaimer: I am not a paedophile, I just don't believe they are all evil.

OP posts:
hairbrushbedhair · 30/09/2015 16:02

good news is I am back hairbrushed, so sweet of you that you missed me!! I do have a life to lead.

Yeah I hoped for a comeback to your comment nobody's called for anyone to be killed and that I hadn't read the thread when you yourself were the one who'd posted calling for them to be killed. It's okay. I'll get over my disappointment.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 16:02

That's what he told you is it? Hmm

noeffingidea · 30/09/2015 16:02

Elendon - I think you might be underestimating the number of female paedophiles and the amount of harm they do to children.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DriverSurpriseMe · 30/09/2015 16:04

There are a lot of assumptions on this thread that paedophiles who claim not to act on their feelings are telling the truth

EXACTLY.

According to this thread, most paedophiles are just poor unfortunate people who are eaten up with their deviant desires that they absolutely do not act on and never will.

Let's just say I'm dubious about that.

People lie.

I was friends with a convicted paedophile. The friendship was over as soon as I found out, which was quite some time after the event. Because he wasn't imprisoned, he kept it secret. Lucky for him he could sweep it all under the carpet and carry on like nothing happened.

For me, the abhorrent thing wasn't just the gargantuan quantity of child abuse images found on his computer, but the lying and deception. There's no way I could have looked him in the eye again, let alone socialised with him.

I do suspect that some of the more liberal posters on this thread have never actually faced the dilemma of knowing that one of their friends (professional, upstanding people!) have actually done something so despicable. And I do equate the downloading of child abuse images alongside abusing a child themselves.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 16:04

So even though he hasn't abused children, would never and does not have the intention, he chose to alert services which could hugely impact his life, career, friendships etc? what a martry.. I'm thinking the truth i slightly different to what you imagine.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 16:06

It was just a joke hairbrushed, but I doubt there will be many people in this country that will be celebrating the longevity of these sad and damaged individuals.

I think you are right they need our sympathy, because what a hell hole of a life to live out such a twisted and hideous compulsion to hurt others, particularly children in this way. I feel sorry for them, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

LurkingHusband · 30/09/2015 16:07

Kali and Lurking Husband, it's predominately men who are paedophiles, let's not skirt around this issue and address it properly

How about addressing the issue that "paedophilia" is not - and cannot - be a crime ?

Sloppy inaccurate definitions are fine if you want to debate the offside rule, or who the best James Bond was. But if you want to run around chemically castrating people, amongst other slightly dubious treatments, then I'd rather hope we had some watertight definitions.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 30/09/2015 16:07

There are a lot of assumptions on this thread that paedophiles who claim not to act on their feelings are telling the truth

This is why I couldnt trust them. You dont know what they are thinking. Part of the game is being charming and friendly. They may accept they have an issue and dont act on it or it could be a lie.

Elendon · 30/09/2015 16:07

Raxa, with my own relative, who is himself a father and an uncle, with a high IQ (he can no longer work in the field he did), we made it very plain that we still loved him but that he had to work within the parameters set down. Mostly, it's not an issue, and I do talk to him and love him, as does his child.

Lives were devastated by his actions, but we sought to stop the devastation from going further. I would never, ever leave him alone with children though, and if it happened again, that would be it. (I hope it doesn't).

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 30/09/2015 16:08

I don't think it's admirable and I don't want people to admire him. Understand the situation maybe.

He isn't in my children's lives. Not in the ways people are probably imagining. The children see him occasionally. If we bump into him in the street, I encourage the children to be polite and respectful (what is the alternative?). When he drops in on Christmas Day, he does so because his whole family drop in. They live round the corner, they call in for a drink and always have done. For years and years. I said I see him for dinner. Not that he comes to my house for dinner. Not at all. He doesn't. It has changed things. He does not have any sort of a relationship with my children and I was clear that this would be the case. BUT I encourage my children to be polite towards him as I would encourage them to be polite towards anybody else.

LurkingHusband · 30/09/2015 16:09

This is why I couldnt trust them. You don't know what they are thinking

Of course, until someone does or says something, you have no idea what they are thinking. Including internet posters.

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 30/09/2015 16:09

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports about this thread, we are taking a look through now.

We are all for freedom of speech on pretty much any topic but we will remove posts that break our Talk Guidelines or if this discussion turns into a bunfight.

Please can we remind folks to be civil to one another.

Many thanks

Elendon · 30/09/2015 16:09

Oh, and I have much more sympathy for his victims than for him. By several light years!

Itsmine · 30/09/2015 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amarmai · 30/09/2015 16:09

When a person is invited into your home , your children will believe that s/he is approved of and accepted by the parents. Then if your child meets that person outside of the house and is told some story or offered a lift or told that his/her mum or dad said to go with them --etc the child will be likely to believe and comply. I do not believe any normal parent would put their children in jeopardy by knowingly bringing a pedophile into their homes. This 'discussion' is being used to make pedophilia more acceptable.

ShowOfHands · 30/09/2015 16:10

Elendon, I think we've done very similar things.

MySordidCakeSecret · 30/09/2015 16:10

Well Lurking, some posters on this thread would have us believe that there are many tortured individuals, desperate to seek help and martry themselves in order to protect children that they would never, ever abuse.

It was on that basis i thought that if they were serious about treatment, they may voluntarily come forward for castration or fund it themselves.

Want2bSupermum · 30/09/2015 16:11

I'm sorry OP but I can't agree with you. Being gay and paediphilia are not anything close to being similiar in terms of sexual orientation. Gay couples consent to their relationship while a paediphile never earns the consent of the child. Taking the sexual abuse out of it, a relationship with a minor that is inappropriate is still abuse IMO.

Quite frankly I'm rather sad to see so many people agree with you on this being an orientation. It isn't and never will be. I suggest you do some research on what this group are doing to try and legitimize their hideous behaviour.

We owe to our children to keep paediphiles out of the normal spectrum. It isn't normal and I hope that never changes.

Meerka · 30/09/2015 16:11

Talking defining terms and definitions:

What is quite concerning is that possibly the law will consider anyone under 18 as a 'child'

consult.justice.gov.uk/sentencing-council/indecent-images-children/supporting_documents/sexual%20offences_Indecent%20images%20of%20children.pdf

I haven't looked up the results of the consultation. But it says on the first page that all indecent images of anyone under 18 are considered being of a child.

that means that anyone who views an indecent image of a near-adult can be regarded as a paedophile ... which muddies the water imo.

God knows where sensible boundaries lie, it'd be awful to try to figure that out. But if the legal definition of a 'child' is anyone under 18 and technically anyone over 18 who views an image is a paedophile, that strikes me as being quite dangerous.

lilycabbagerocks · 30/09/2015 16:12

Elen, now I understand your sympathising posts, but how can you possibly monitor him 24 hours a day? Can you be sure of what he is doing at 2am? What about all of the other children and parents that are not aware of it?

If it happened again that would be it?
So what would you do?

noeffingidea · 30/09/2015 16:12

Does he have a computer Rax , or online access?

ShowOfHands · 30/09/2015 16:12

Bloody phone.

Elendon, I think we've all SAID very similar things with regards to sympathy. The sympathy has to lie with the victims.

I guess the problem is that sometimes the perpetrator, for want of a better word, is also somebody you have to have some sort of reaction to or interaction with and that's where there's never going to be agreement about what's best.

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 30/09/2015 16:15

noeffingidea, I don't think so no.

I have to go and get my dd from school now and we're off out so will be disappearing until tomorrow.

Elendon · 30/09/2015 16:15

How about addressing the issue that "paedophilia" is not - and cannot - be a crime ?

Because that's not the issue that was being discussed.

As for the rest of your post - wta?