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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Daughter left home

73 replies

Doc55 · 30/09/2015 09:41

My changed from parents used to say "the more you give your kids, the worse you are thought of". I didn't understand this at the time, but they are right. I tried giving my kids all the things I never had, love, affection, Christmas, birthdays, protection. As they became beautiful young women, they have now both turned on me, and are being very disrespectful, shutting me out of their lives. They say I was over-powering, too strict, over protective and that they can now and be who they want, without having to fall in line with my house rules. ,

OP posts:

Bellebella · 30/09/2015 09:42

How old are they?

EatShitDerek · 30/09/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 30/09/2015 09:47

they can now and be who they want, without having to fall in line with my house rules - well yes thats one of the better things about becoming a grown-up

We all left home, didn't we?

Unless you're about to say that your daughter is 14.

Micah · 30/09/2015 09:58

Did you give all those things conditionally? Were they expected to "fall in line and follow your house rules"?

I left home as soon as I could. My mum did the best she could, and did give me all those things you mention.

However if I always felt that she did so much for me, that I needed to give back, iyswim. If I did anything she didn't agree with, I felt the disapproval very strongly and soon fell back into line, as I wouldn't want to upset this person who only wanted the best for me, would I? She'd hide clothes or possessions she didn't like- in my best interest of course, I didn't want people thinking I wasn't classy or well dressed.

I even changed my A-levels and career path from what I wanted to do, to uni and an academic career that my mum approved of. I tried really hard to fit her vision of a perfect daughter, but it's just not me.

I disassociated a long time ago, and although we're still in contact I don't listen to her opinions on what I should or shouldn't be doing. She still tries to tell me how I should cut my hair, organise my finances (she's crap with money), deal with my children.

She probably would post exactly what you just have.

wigglesrock · 30/09/2015 10:05

Yup, my mum would probably have posted a very similar OP when I was 19/20. I love her very much, always did but Christ she was very difficult to live with. Very judgemental, very set in her ideas, no room for discussion. Now over 20 years later, we get on ok, I see her a lot, she's changed, I've learned not to care so much about what she thinks. Moving out at 19 and putting in some distance/boundaries saved any future relationship for us.

RB68 · 30/09/2015 10:05

IF you love them let them go - what is the point of bringing kids up to be strong, independent thinkers and doers if you don't let them be who they are. And yes its hard to let go and let them find their own way but that is what growing up is about.

If you want them in your life leave the door open, what does respect mean to you? You need to lighten up and back off to maintain any sort of contact. Focus on your life and what you want in it and move into phase 2 (post kids)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/09/2015 10:19

That's the entire point of being a grown up.

You get to grow up

PolterGoose · 30/09/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMarpleCat · 30/09/2015 10:20

You don't own your children, you just borrow them.

sproketmx · 30/09/2015 10:27

Why does everyone try to give their kids 'what they never had'? What's so bad about what you did have? It spoiling them really and spoilt kids never work out well. Why do they say you were over protective, strict and overpowering? How much independence did you allow them?

redskybynight · 30/09/2015 10:28

Well were you too overpowering, over strict etc?

My parents could have written exactly your OP. They would have said they gave me everything and did everything for me.
That was the problem. I had no room to breathe.
I will not be giving my DC everything. I will be giving them the support and the knowledge that I am there if they need me but they have to have their own room to grow.

Birdsgottafly · 30/09/2015 10:34

""Why does everyone try to give their kids 'what they never had'? What's so bad about what you did have?""

If you read the OP, she includes, Love, Affection and Protection, so she is clearly trying to parent after suffering a damaged childhood.

OP your Parents weren't right, they were very wrong and saying that to justify how they Parented.

You haven't given your children Autonomy, so they've had to leave, but you can right this and have a relationship again.

KitZacJak · 30/09/2015 10:36

I feel for you but it sounds like they think that you are too involved. Give them a bit of space and I am sure they will start to appreciate what you have done for them.

They have told you how they feel so try and take it on board and just think about how you speak to them. Do you try and influence their decisions too much or make your disapproval known about what they are up to?

I think the best thing to do would be to focus on yourself a bit and what you want to do. Keep in touch with your girls but keep things light and friendly for a bit, no demands of coming over or guilt trips. When they see you are up to new things and are being more easy going they will become closer again I am sure.

I think it is hard to let go but you really need to so you can build a good adult relationship with your girls.

sproketmx · 30/09/2015 10:37

It sounds more like smothering. If both kids have turned and left then maybe we should believe there's an issues with op's parenting too.

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2015 10:38

Did you have an unhappy childhood op because i never understand the i want to give my kids what i never had unless a childhood was truly abusive and neglectful most of our parents did the best they could .I m assuming your dds are grownups and able to leave home every child needs wants their own lives eventually and most children think their parents were to strict or to lax or to whatever. Personally I had toys and clothes and stuff thrown at me but very little time spent with me it was just the way it was .

Scobberlotcher · 30/09/2015 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTigerIsOut · 30/09/2015 10:44

Personally, I don't overcompensate DS for things I didn't get. I am not here to cure my past by changing DS' future.

Original poster

Doc55 · 30/09/2015 10:49

Yeah lots of good advice here. As parents we can only try to do our best. Maybe, I did smother them, or try to "over protect them". That's not such a horrendous thing though is it, but I know, this probably pushed them away. They are both adults now, and maybe I do need to let them go, and get on with my own life. I will always love them.

OP posts:

JugglingFromHereToThere · 30/09/2015 10:54

Mother/daughter relationships can be difficult can't they?
I guess I think as a mother you just do your best and if you've been able to do better in this challenging task of parenting than your own parents were able to with you then you've done well
This could be a tricky phase whilst they both set out into independent adult life
Hopefully what you've been able to give and invest in the relationship as they've been growing up will bring you all good things and a strong, healthy adult mother/daughter relationship a little down the line?

MerryMarigold · 30/09/2015 10:56

They are both adults now

Perhaps if you supported them in wanting to live independent lives, instead of trying to hang on to them as if they were children, this wouldn't happen.

Try and be proud and positive about what they've done and I expect it will make a huge difference to your relationship.

If you tend to smother, don't buy unasked for things for their new place, or cook them food as if they can't cope. You could ask if there's anything you can help with and if they say no, then take it as that.

coffeeisnectar · 30/09/2015 10:57

Over protecting is a bad thing. How can they learn if they are shielded from everything? How can they grow and develop with a parent hovering 24/7?

I've said so many times that the best things you can give your children is the skills to cope in the world, love and confidence. I let my teen live her own life, I'm here for her, I listen to her, I support her and taxi her about but she's making her own decisions for the future and I'm letting her do it without input from me.

Constant criticism and comments on their lives is draining for them. Teens think they know it all but unless they are really going off the rails they need to make mistakes and learn from them.

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2015 11:00

Have they moved far away Doc ? The transition from child to adult is sometimes difficult for everybody my dh struggled more than me with it our youngest is nearly 18 and its hard. You have a different relationship when they are adults . Does she visit you ?

TheTigerIsOut · 30/09/2015 11:01

Of course you will always love them. And yes, you need to let them go and make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes.

I never felt at home, at home, because of my mum. I'm not saying that you are like her but just in case you are as over powering and strict as she was, I may suggest something that you can do to ensure you can have a relationship with them in the future:

Listen, just listen. Ask questions to show you are interested but don't judge or dictate solutions. You are no longer in charge.

Ihatechoosingnames · 30/09/2015 11:02

Sometimes with parents and children it can just be a personality clash. Not always so much to do with parenting. My dad and I always fought when I was a teenager. I thought he was a suffocating prick and he thought I was a rude little cow and he was just being protective. Our relationship was strained by the time I left home at 18. 9 years on and we get on very well now, we have a brilliant relationship. We just needed space from each other. We both make more of an effort to respect each other as people because we have the distance it is much easier.

OP hopefully with their own space your DDs (and you) can reflect and your relationship may improve.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/09/2015 11:06

independent lives, instead of trying to hang on to them as if they were children, this wouldn't happen

What a load of bollocks.

Adults leave home and change the way they view their parents and the parental relationship changes from one of having responsibility for them to not having any,it is what they do it is what they are meant to do.

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