My Daughter left home

[Doc55]

My changed from parents used to say "the more you give your kids, the worse you are thought of". I didn't understand this at the time, but they are right. I tried giving my kids all the things I never had, love, affection, Christmas, birthdays, protection. As they became beautiful young women, they have now both turned on me, and are being very disrespectful, shutting me out of their lives. They say I was over-powering, too strict, over protective and that they can now and be who they want, without having to fall in line with my house rules. ,

How old is your daughter?!

When you say they shut you out of their lives, do you mean they don't tell you much and don't see you that often, but stay in contact, or do you mean that they don't want any contact at all?

To be completely honest, if both your daughters are saying you smother them and don't allow them their independence, then you aren't "giving them too much". You aren't giving them the respect of recognising they are people in their own right, and not just extensions of you. I know it's really, really hard, but perhaps you could think about having some counselling? Your childhood is hinted at as being very difficult, and maybe if you work through some of your own feelings, you can better understand theirs, and can work on a better relationship?

If they are very young adults - early to mid-twenties, or even late teens - then they may just need to assert their freedom a bit, and will come round to their mum's ideas more later. But if you have two children who make identical statements about finding it hard to have you in their lives, then maybe you do need to do some work on why that is, with a counsellor. I don't believe, myself, that happy people want to control others, and you sound upset that they aren't grateful and inclusive of your continued parenting in their lives - or am I reading that awry?

I'm not saying this is you, OP, but my mother always said she gave us everything we could want and more, but she pushed us all away in the end. Her love was actually based on conditions and the need to control, everything had a price. Respect was expected, but never given back. Protection was used as a threat (the woman could have been a bloody mafia boss) 'remember, as you mum I'm the only one who can protect you from the bad of the world, you leave and you're on your own in a scary place, I don't think you can cope with that'. Much emotional blackmail, when that didn't work, trying to buy our love. Two of my siblings ended up living away from her before they even became adults, took me a lot longer due to the massive amount of guilt she had layed on me over the years.

I advise that you listen to you children. They may have some vaild points, in others it will take the 'big bad world' to make them realise that you weren't always the bad guy. However, if they are adults, they can do as they please now - you have to learn to let go.

Hmm, strange to see the level of judgment on this thread.

None of us knows about the OP's and her daughters' experiences.

Everyone finds fault (at least at some time or other) in how their parents brought them up. You did your best. You loved and love them, and you did your best.

Now they are probably doing their best to live as they want to live.

It's all too complicated - unfathomable, really - to understand.

I'd say: let them do what they do, make their decisions. Offer love and acceptance when you can. Try to let things go and not be bitter about how they act. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame them.

If you can, go out and enjoy the sunshine.

All the best, OP

*Hmm, strange to see the level of judgment on this thread.

None of us knows about the OP's and her daughters' experiences.

Everyone finds fault (at least at some time or other) in how their parents brought them up. You did your best. You loved and love them, and you did your best*

I don't think people are judging. All we are saying is many of us have mothers who could have written the o/p's post. My mother would agree- "You did your best. You loved and love them, and you did your best"

I do, also, because I think she really doesn't see that doing her best for me meant controlling a lot of my life. She made sure I made the "right" choices. But that meant her choice, not mine, and that is what she can't see. My mum would say she totally did the right thing pushing me into University, when it wasn't, at all.

We are pointing out to the o/p that if both her children are saying she was controlling and suffocating, maybe she needs to look to her own behaviour, rather than saying her children have turned on her. If my mum would stop telling me how to do things, and accept I have my own opinions and tastes, we'd have a better relationship.

How old are your DDs OP?

If they are late teens or older, successfully living independent lives, working/studying etc then I would say you have done a pretty good job as a parent.

You imply that you had a very difficult childhood, and have tried to perhaps overcompensate by giving your DDs everything you possibly could. Maybe this felt quite overpowering for them sometimes, and they now need the freedom to make their own way, and make their own choices. I'm not criticising you OP, like I say the fact that they are off living their own lives is a credit to you. How are they shutting you out of their lives? I'm sure many daughters do not tell their mothers half of what goes on in their lives, nor should they. They need to get out there, make mistakes, have fun, and learn all about life. if parents of young adults knew everything they would never sleep!

Do they know what you went through as a child? Give them space, but gently keep the lines of communication open, and in time I'm sure the relationship with them will grow and flourish again. In the meantime look at your beautiful young women and congratulate yourself.

I'm also wondering how old the DDs in question are.

Learning to let go is a process that both sides have to go through. I'm struggling with it a bit with my daughter, who is weekly boarding at lycée (sixth form college) this year. I'm delighted to see her becoming an independent young adult but I miss her too.

For the moment she tells me lots of stuff (including things that I know most adolescents don't share with their parents) but I am aware that in time our relationship will change, as she prepares to become properly independent. It won't be that she is shutting me out, it'll be that I have finished my job of allowing her to develop from a dependent child into an independent adult.

Its about perspective.

As a parent, you do what you think is best (if you mean well, not all parents do) but you are providing what you would have wanted as a child.

Your child is not you. They have a different combination of genes. Their needs and want are different from yours. They don't need the parenting you wanted but didn't get - they need a special, different parenting of their own. But they don't know to tell you what it is, so you don't know you're getting it wrong, except by their uncooperative behaviour.

Also, if you are interested in them and concerned for them, they have that and expect it. They are able to moan about your being interfering or over-protective because they have the benefit of your interest and concern. Otherwise, they'd be moaning about you not taking an interest and not being concerned.

Basically, you can't win. But carry on, because eventually, they turn into you and they have a much better idea what it was you were trying to do for them.

Sometimes, we do our best and only learn what we did 'wrong' when they grow up.
When we overprotect our children I think it is more to do about protecting us than them. WE can't bear the thought of anything happening to them (naturally) and the thought of that pain we would feel makes us inhibit them and prevent them from learning and growing into confident adults.

All you can do is talk to your daughters and acknowledge how they feel but try to explain to them, honestly, why you were so over protective.

You can't change the past but you can try to understand their feelings now. Don't beat yourself up though, none of us is perfect. I think we try to avoid the mistakes we felt we suffered from our parents but unknowingly create new ones for our own childre.

Erm, needs. Did you read my post? I'm saying what you're saying...if the OP supported their independent lives, that wouldn't be upset with her and she could have a positive relationship with them.

My MIL continues to treat her son (my DP) as a child and has an opinion on everything from his career to his clothing. She also aways insists on weekly 2 hour phone calls. And always asks when he will visit. The more she pushes, the more he pulls away. She is absolutely lovely and has the best intentions but is a nightmare to be around. Being 30 and your mum telling you what to do is annoying as hell. He hasn't been home in almost a year and has no intention of visiting.

You don't seem to see your daughters as adults but as children who still owe you something and should still obey you. I can see why they're distancing themselves.

Opps merry I thought you meant they wouldn't leave!

I think OP..It sounds like you are struggling with the separation part. Part of them growing up now is to develop a more friendship based relationship.As adults who have left home ( mine haven't yet so easy to theorise) You have to let them make what you consider mistakes,

No worries. I think we're pretty much all on the same page. Not accusing OP of smothering, but she said it herself and if both kids feel the same, then perhaps there is something in it. Hopefully food for thought for OP. And thank God I am not at that stage yet and mine are still little

You sound like you are engulfing your daughters: that you are saying 'I love you infinitely - but that love is conditional upon you doing exactly what I want you to do and being exactly what I want you to be'. That is actually not loving but quite tyrannical behaviour - you are not leaving them room to be themselves or to be different from you. You may be giving them no choice but to reject you in order to achieve their independence as adults.

Most grown ups leave home.

I left at 19. I wanted my own space.

Are they shutting you out or have they simply moved out?

I can't call this one. Often over baring and smothering parents claim that their kids are just ungrateful and that they were amazing parents. They don't realise that they may have done stuff that negativly effected their kids, because they were busy being whT they thought was a fab parent.

And then some kids are just ungrateful.

If you think you kids are generally decent people and more than one has said this, I would be having a long hard look at whether there could be some truth in what they are saying.

OP, I just want to add, as another example, that I too had a phase in early adulthood when my mum and I didn't get on at all well, and I found her overbearing and smothering. I probably complained about her a lot. I still remember that phase and shudder - it felt awful; sort of nauseating! I wanted to run a mile (so I moved city). I can tell you categorically that the more she tried to pull me back, or (as I perceived it) guilt-tripped me, the further I ran. But throughout this I never for one moment stopped loving her or needing her basic support.

Fast forward 10-15 years and we get on very well. I have realised that my mum was great, basically. Not perfect of course (who is?), and one of my siblings has real problems and complains bitterly about the way she brought us up (which was often unconventional). But she loves and loved us, and really did try hard to give us what she had not had as a child. Just as you say you did. It has taken me a while to appreciate this about my mum, and perhaps it will take a while for your DDs to appreciate it about you, too.

For me, being given (and giving) space is key, as is letting go of past grudges/responsibilities/ideas of what other people should do. I would guess that your best chance is to separate out how you feel from what your DDs should do. Find ways to live your life which don't demand anything from them, and I'll bet they will be back.

being very disrespectful, shutting me out of their lives

If I could wave a magic wand and remove one word and its associated concept, it would be "disrespect". When young men in North Face jackets talk about "disrespected" they mean "aren't suitably frightened of me". When drunken young women about to end up on Youtube assaulting people late at night say "disrespect" they mean "looking at me". And when parents of young adults say "disrespect" they mean "not instantly doing what I say".

Claiming to be "disrespected" or that people are being "disrespectful" almost always says more about the speaker than the alleged perpetrator. Respect is earned, not demanded, and outside some very specialised circumstances unlikely to arise in parental relationships (such as military "salute the uniform, not the person" policies) you have no right to respect, and therefore claiming other are being disrespectful is likely to reflect your unrealistic demands.

You can demand that people be polite, but you cannot demand that they respect you. Thinking you can is a recipe for unhappiness.

And when parents of young adults say "disrespect" they mean "not instantly doing what I say

Not necessarily. Some may mean that, but some do actually mean 'disrespect'

How old are they? Relationships change. I have always been independent and hate being smothered, it's just my personality.

It's telling that the behaviour the OP discribes as "disrespectful" is "shutting me out of their lives" - because she beleives she has a right to know about and be involved in all parts of her adult DCs lives. Nope, you don't, they aren't being disrespectful by not letting you be part of everything and know all about what they are doing, you are showing a lack of respect to them by not acknowledging you don't have an automatic right to be part of another adult's live and a say in decisions that don't effect you.

If your house rules meant that they as adults werent able to live the way they wanted, then of course they would leave your home. Surely if living with you wasn't suitable for the lifestyle they wanted, then of course they would leave. Why would they stay? House rules work for small children, once you are sharing with other adults, then any rules have to be mutually agreed, or you risk the other adults chosing to go elsewhere.

You tried to give your dds what you felt was missing from your childhood, don't we all do that? But something else was missing in their cases, it was ever thus. There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Having children and bringing them up from babies to young and independent adults ready to fly the nest is hard. A rollercoaster.

Letting those children go once they have grown up is REALLY hard, but you have to do it.

I know. My DD1 is 20. She is a uni student, and lives semi-independently from us. She has just gone to spend a year abroad as part of her course. It is VERY hard, but I have to let her go and I am super proud of her and all that she has achieved.

Forgive me if I am wrong here, but I get the impression from your post that you may, intentionally or not, be trying to control your adult children with something akin to "after all I've done for you ....... !!!" It is your "disrespect" sentence which makes me read it that way.

Don't do that, if you are. You don't own them. They are adults and won't appreciate that at all. In fact, it may well drive them further away because they find it smothering.

You need to give them space to be themselves, to make their own mistakes, to find their own way.

My daughter and I were always close. That's why its so hard to understand why she would suddenly cut me out like this. I admit I lost my temper one day over her not helping out in the house, treating our place as a lodgings and staying out with her boyfriend. I ended up saying the wrong thing "if you don't do this and his, you can get your own place". Hence she never came back that night. I was shocked and more importantly devastated. She went to stay with her boyfriend's parents. I have apologised and told her I didn't mean to say them things, and that I love her and miss her and understand she needs her independence. I offered to help her get a flat and decorate it, but begged her not to fall out with me or move out like this. She agreed and came home giving me a huge hug. Then without any explanation she changed, stopped texting and did not come out with us for her birthday as planned. i was so hurt. I text her again, losing my temper, this time, taking it out on her boyfriend, as I felt the only logical explanation was he was influencing her decisions. Once I had stopped crying, I was more rational and looked at the pathetic way I had responded ii apologised to her again. I know she probably doesn't trust anything I say now. I am so hurt and down. I pushed her away again. My own stupid fault. I felt jealous that she had chosen her boyfriend over me. I know I'm the one who should be mature right?

Oh Doc, I do feel for you
But try not to make your DD choose between you and her boyfriend. She should be able to have a good and developing relationship with both of you - because our relationships are always changing, especially if they are good ones.
Also I hope you'll try not to lose your temper with her so often as that will make having a good relationship with her all the harder
Best of luck to you all x