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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Daughter left home

73 replies

Doc55 · 30/09/2015 09:41

My changed from parents used to say "the more you give your kids, the worse you are thought of". I didn't understand this at the time, but they are right. I tried giving my kids all the things I never had, love, affection, Christmas, birthdays, protection. As they became beautiful young women, they have now both turned on me, and are being very disrespectful, shutting me out of their lives. They say I was over-powering, too strict, over protective and that they can now and be who they want, without having to fall in line with my house rules. ,

OP posts:

mumeeee · 01/10/2015 11:45

How old is your daughter Op? Children are meant to grow up into adults and do their own thing.
I have 3 daughters in their 20s and they have all left home and have their own lives. Well DD3 is at university so hasn't completely left home but she does her own thing
Anyway DH and I are proud of our DDs and while we always say our home is open to them if they need it we don't expect then to come home and do what we say.

trulybadlydeeply · 01/10/2015 14:18

How old is she??

MrsMook · 01/10/2015 15:52

My relationship with my mother was never conventional or easy, but it's her attitude to accepting me as an adult that has done most damage. She's blamed DH for me disagreeing with her and doesn't accept that I can make my own adult
decisions.

When I was in my mid 20s, soon to be married, and in a professional job living several hours drive away from her, she moaned that she was my mother, and not a friend, when actually motherhood to an adult child is about friendship. It's not about control or vetoing decisions.

Her lack of acceptance for me being an independent adult responsible for my own decisions is one of the final fundamental flaws in our poor relationship. Without that, we could probably have had a happier relationship with considerably more contact.

YouTheCat · 01/10/2015 16:34

You really cannot impose irrational expectations on your adult children. And you can't expect their respect of your views unless you are prepared to respect theirs too.

You still haven't said how old but I'm presuming adult age.

Prettyeyedpiratesmile · 01/10/2015 16:37

sproket that's a really good point re giving them what you did have. I've never considered it from this point of view.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/10/2015 16:48

How old is she though?

My mum struggled a bit with letting me go, it did cause arguments from when I was about 20-23, but has been great for the last 4 years (now 27).

Don't lose heart op, just try to stay calm about it. I'm sure the change in relationship between having an actual child child and an adult child is enormous and hard when you're the mum.

But you have done a good job as a mum, made mistakes like anybody else, but you've raised your daughter to be an independent adult.

belleandboo · 01/10/2015 18:06

OP, my children are much younger than your's so I'm not in a position to advise. However I wanted to reflect back to you the differences between your posts. In the OP, you make it sound like you've been badly used and it's your DDs' fault. In your most recent post, it seems as if you feel that the fault lies with you. I just feel that your DDs may find these switches exhausting as you seem to do this with them too. They could feel there's no point making up with you because you'll switch into angry blaming without warning. I think you need to decide where you stand and stick to it.

cashewnutty · 01/10/2015 18:24

One of the main jobs of being a parent is to prepare your child/ren for independence. If you let them go they will come back.

My 23yo old DD has just moved in with her boyfriend (Having spent 4 years at uni then a year back at home) - 400 miles away from us. I miss her but she has to start her own life. I know she misses us too.

OP, show your DD that you are happy for her to make her own choices and keep the door open. She need to fledge and test her wings. If she makes a mistake and you show no judgement she may return to the nest for a while. But she will leave and that is the right order as hard as it is.

NerrSnerr · 01/10/2015 18:36

How old is she OP? It does sound like you're not coming to terms with her growing up. If she's in a serious relationship and you ask her to choose between her boyfriend and you she just might choose him.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/10/2015 19:16

We're never going to find out how old she is are we?

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/10/2015 19:39

It may be unreasonable of me (it probably is) but I am always wary of parents who describe their children as 'disrespectful'. It just so often means 'don't defer to me on everything'.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2015 19:51

Look at it this way OP - do you still want to live with your mother under her rules, doing what she wants you to do and prioritising her over your DH/DP?

Because thats what you're expecting your DD to do.

Let her move out, help her become independent and accept that your relationship is changing to one which is more adult.

Obviously it will happen over a number of years but in the end if you get it right your relationship will have moved on in a sustainable way.

You need to grieve for the loss of your little girl in private and control yourself around her and treat her as the young woman she is becoming/has become.

Nataleejah · 01/10/2015 20:05

Yes, parents can be very overbearing when they try too hard to do the best. I ran away to a different country basically to hide. Yes, i want to make mistakes, make bad choices, not be as successful as was planned for me. But it is my life after all. At least here i can avoid being judged and compared with other people's more "successful" children.

sleeponeday · 01/10/2015 21:16

OP, the thing is, this is the second daughter to do this.

As gently as possible - what happened with the first?

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/10/2015 22:01

I really hope op does come back and clarifies her daughter's age. Starting to worry the daughter is actually about 35

Spartans · 02/10/2015 06:30

OP it sounds like you feel your dd has to live and acct a certain way (your way) because you feel you have done so much for her. That's not how it works. As a parent you should do your best, but that does not mean the child has an obligation to live how you want them to.

It's all well and good, giving kids what you didn't have. But when you become agressive and verbally attack your child for not doing what you want and living how you want them to, you are pushing them away. That will do so much damage, what you did do right won't matter.

The fact that you still haven't said her age, leads me to believe she has been an adult for a while. The fact that this has happened with another daughter suggests a pattern with you as the common feature.

Quite honestly it's very insulting to tell someone their dp must be pulling their strings when they are making a decision for themselves. Its you still treating her like a child that can not possibly think for herself, simply because you do not like the decision she has made. It's not on.

lighteningirl · 02/10/2015 06:58

I am not sure how the answers help if we don't know dd's age at 14 she shouldn't be moving out with a boyfriend at 28 you should be packing her bag

Mehitabel6 · 02/10/2015 07:00

I think it is a danger when you try to do the exact opposite to your own parents. Maybe they are more like your parents than like you.
You need to give the roots but you must remember to give the wings too. If you are too dependent, have too many expectations then you clip the wings and cause resentment.
The parent's job is to gradually make yourself redundant. If you do it well they always come back.
They may have gone for now but it is not necessarily for ever. Your relationship has just changed.

Neddyteddy · 02/10/2015 07:10

You need to trust them to make decisions and let them make mistakes. You can love them completely but let them fall. Treat them as adults. Just be there with a listening ear to pick up the prices when needed. Without lecturing. Be non judgemental and accepting. Your best bet for a relationship is developing a friendship possibly through a shared hobby. Is there something you all like that you can do regularly together? You can make them feel treasured without being smothered

Fraggled · 02/10/2015 07:28

OP I write this with kindness. You sound very much like my mum, and the situation you describe happened to me at 18. I'm now in my late thirties, happily married to that boyfriend who my mother felt I had chosen over her. I didn't intend to, it is irrational to think somebody chooses a boyfriend over a mother. Your daughter needs both! But she forced me to choose him over her by her attitude towards our relationship.

My relationship with my mother has never recovered. I keep her at arms length and I harbour a lot of resentment, despite years of counselling. I know she loves me, but her love is controlling and suffocating, and despite my very best efforts I find her very difficult to be around. I do my best to get on with her for the sake of my dad and my children, but she makes it so hard. I once tried confronting her after she behaved in a particularly difficult way, she simply could not accept any responsibility and just made me feel like I was a bad daughter. Anyway, enough about me.

Please try your very hardest to fix things and then look at how you can stop this from happening to you and your daughters.

Topseyt · 02/10/2015 17:22

OP, the very worst thing you can do is criticise her boyfriend, and by so doing force her into a position where she has to choose between you.

I am not sure why you haven't revealed your daughter's age despite many posters asking. I can only surmise that it is because she is an adult and you are trying not to admit to yourself the fact that you have quite likely overstepped the mark. If you are trying to retain control of an adult daughter then I'm afraid you have almost certainly picked an unwinnable battle. If that is all correct then you seriously need to back right off if you are to salvage something of your relationship with any of your adult children.

People are giving you the best suggestions they can, with the information you have provided.

Atenco · 03/10/2015 03:26

Well if any of the things people are saying here ring a bell, OP, you might do well getting counselling yourself. A friend of mine has a very strong character and her dd has a very similar character so they had some horrible clashes as her dd was growing up. But my friend did a lot of counselling and now knows when to hold her tongue. So her now married dd goes round visiting a lot and everyone is happy.

Mehitabel6 · 03/10/2015 07:40

I would suggest that you get some counselling for yourself.
You sound very needy and your DD can't provide what you want from her and so has cut herself off.
I think that she must be an adult from the situation you describe and you haven't let go. She has given you another chance and you still didn't let go.
The counselling would help.

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