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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think as "playdate" aged 5 means the parent visits too?

70 replies

toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 06:09

Genuine AIBU here. My twin girls (3 and a bit) just started kindergarten, it's in Germany, the kids go there until they start school at 6. One of the older girls has taken a bit of a shine to my kids and yesterday her mum said to me that she'd like to come visit and play with them. We started discussing times and suddenly they're coming that afternoon. When they arrived, the mum was like "can I leave her with you? I have to go and get my older daughter" and I said, oh OK sure, pick her up in an hour? And she frowned and was like, oh that's not a lot of time, what about two hours? I agreed because my German's shit so I'm not great at arguing. Kid was nice enough, and my girls are still quite little so it's unknown territory for me but surely you don't drop your 5 year old off for two hours with a mum you've spoken to about 3 times and who doesn't even speak your kid's language particularly well?

OP posts:
NickNacks · 30/09/2015 06:10

Yes I would, presuming I knew the parents and child wanted to be there.

minime8 · 30/09/2015 06:14

5 yo seems reasonable to me for a drop off? As long as everyone involved is happy. My 3yo dd has started going on playdates with her preschool friends (who's parents I know well and where she has previously visited with me). 2 hours isn't that long, if all else fails I'd sit them at the table with a drink and a snack! That's good for at least 30mins Smile

BertieBotts · 30/09/2015 06:17

In Germany this is normal, but you can be more blunt. Say "ich denk es ist besser wenn Du kommst, weil mein Deutsch ist nicht gut" (pidgin German for I think it's better if you come because my German isn't good "

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 30/09/2015 06:20

I Live in France and here it seems normal to drop and run from age 3. I Organized a few play dates where I said to the mum that it'd be a good opportunity to get to know each other to avoid that happening!

Now they're 4 I'm happy to drop and run.

Bottlecap · 30/09/2015 06:23

Five is just about where my kids started on drop-off playdates. I wouldn't have wanted the mother around unless she was a friend of mine, frankly.

DesertorDessert · 30/09/2015 06:24

I let a Mum I'd met a couple of times collect both her and my child from school, and take to a place I'd never been.
I think it depends on the kids at that age.

Spartans · 30/09/2015 06:27

At 5 my kids went to people houses for tea and their kids came here. i wouldnr expect the parents to stay or expect to stay myself. Apart from with one friend who I am close to, so if my ds wants her ds over we use it as a chance to catch up too

Fiderer · 30/09/2015 06:28

Perfectly usual here once they start Kindergarten. Unless I was friendly with the mum & wanted to chat, I never stayed. We'd often also drop off and go to the shops/pick up other children etc.

A while ago now for me but it seems to be a lot more easy-going than in the UK.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/09/2015 06:30

Absolutely normal. Here playdates alone start from reception in my experience, so some will have just turned 4. She obviously thought she could trust you. There is a huge developmental curve and you have to start letting go. It starts with playdates alone and walking slightly further ahead, before you know where you are your 10yr old is walking home alone to an empty house texting you on her phone. You are still only 10 minutes behind but you know that in 2-3 years they will be off into town all day with their friends and in 8yrs they could be backpacking on the other side of the world or in student digs at the other end of the country.

I personally wouldn't leave a 3yr old alone unless it was someone I and they knew well but at 5 yes.

Which age do you think that you would drop them off at a party or playdate?

MythicalKings · 30/09/2015 06:30

Drop and run, except they weren't called playdates when mine were little.

MythicalKings · 30/09/2015 06:31

from age 3 or so ...

justwondering72 · 30/09/2015 06:33

Normal here on France from age 3 up.

Nohopeformethen · 30/09/2015 06:33

3 no, 5 yes. When yours are 5 you will welcome the respite Smile

wallywobbles · 30/09/2015 06:34

Do you expect parents to stay for birthday parties? They don't here even at 3. Also France here. Sleep overs started really young too.

sofato5miles · 30/09/2015 06:35

Drop and run. TBH I have 3DC and my DC3 is 3years old. The other day i suggested a pllay date at mine with one of her new friends at nursery. The mother was delighted and then pointed at her infant in the pram and said, 'of course we will come too'. I backtracked immediately as I thought she was being too PFB. Happy to cultivate their friendships but no way do i want to have to sit with a mum and infant too. Our lives are at very different stages and my baby stage is done.

surroundedbyblondes · 30/09/2015 06:36

Normal too where we live. I have DD1 nearly 7 and DD2 nearly 5. If one of DD2's friends parents wanted to stay I would be a bit surprised tbh.

MidniteScribbler · 30/09/2015 06:40

It seems normal to me.

But on the other hand I think she played you. She needed a babysitter and got you to agree. Normally the first invitation to a playdate would be at the home of the person doing the inviting.

gamerwidow · 30/09/2015 06:41

Age 5 is fine in uk but by then the dc would have started school so will be used to being left. Dd just started year 1 and most parents are still staying at parties but I expect that to change throughout this year.

BikeRunSki · 30/09/2015 06:42

Yes at 5, definitely. DD has a delightful little friend who comes by herself for a few hours age 3.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 30/09/2015 06:46

Going round to somebody's house to play certainly never used to mean your Mum had to stay! Heaven forbid. Mind you, I noticed that somehow, since it's morphed into a 'playdate' it seems to have to be some sort of micro-managed organised session involving Organised Fun. Except at my house. In dd's bedroom. Door shut. Lob a biscuit through the door every hour or so. Sorted.

AsTimeGoesBy · 30/09/2015 06:48

Yes, normal from age 4-5 (Year R at school), here (UK), same for parties. I remember feeling quite weird the first time DS went home from school with a mum and child I barely knew, but it's all part of their growing up.

KeyserSophie · 30/09/2015 06:59

Do you expect parents to stay for birthday parties? They don't here even at 3.

Parties I do think are different now that they seem to be held predominantly in public places (soft play, trampoline park etc) rather than at a private venue like a house or village hall. They're also much bigger (20-30 kids not unusual- I was strictly allowed 8 as that's what would fit in our house). I wouldnt leave DS (5) at a soft play party on his own where the host parent probably doesnt even know what he looks like. For a playdate or party at someone's house I would leave him though.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 30/09/2015 07:04

We're in Germany too - DD started doing drop off playdates with her BFF at not long turned 3, as they clicked so firmly on their first day of Kindergarten and were so inseperable the teachers used to merge their names :o (they are still very close, though no longer inseperable "exclusive", friends now in their first year of secondary school).

"Playdates" (though never called that) have always been 2-5 or 2.5.30, and always drop off, though with Kindergarten aged children it is also the norm (in my experience, I have 3 kids) to go in for coffee for the first half hour the first time to suss each other out without explicitly admitting that is what you are doing, and to settle the kids. After that drop and run - pretty much always, unless the mums are friends in their own right of course, and always for 2 to 2.5 hours.

One of my kids wasn't comfortable with drop and run until he was 7 - this in practice meant I hosted almost all his playdates, and explained I didn't mind doing so and in fact sometimes picked up his friends to bring them to ours to save them the drive, as people just never expect a parent to stay after the first half hour of the first time, and usually expect the kids to amuse each other while they get on with chores or whatever - playdates are not micro managed by parents here either.

Its a cultural difference I think :)

The only thing I find odd is the fact your guest was older and mum didn't want to come in for 10 mins to have a coffee and suss you out (though once the kids hit 5 or 6 more and more people stop bothering to do that).

stepmad · 30/09/2015 07:06

Two year old charge is dropped off only at very close friends opposite the house every one else a grown up comes although now she is edging towards three there are a few others locally she will go to and them here phones on and am minutes away.We all have older children so well used to drop and run indeed with two other charges it's often impossible to be in different places at the same time. I have taken the little one to parties with her friends while the elder two have been looked after by a friend and them the same.
Our local primary school where we all know ea h other very small school most children have solo playdate from nursery onwards I'm not heir second term.
Depends on the children I guess how happy they are very social children here I do have a book with contact numbers addresses allergies likes dislikes food wise.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 30/09/2015 07:12

Oh yes - nobody has ever seemed bothered about my German standard in relation to dropping thier kids at mine. When my eldest was 3 it was far worse than it is now, but as long as your child/ren speak/s German and you can understand when they ask where the toilet is, or for a drink, and can speak enough to call an ambulance, people seem content!

Your "foreign" mother tongue being English gives people a (false?) sense of security too as its a familiar and respectable foreignness, being a school subject Hmm I do know a Czech mum who has had a less easy time of it that way... but then her son is also a bit of... hmmm... a handful... so that may play into it! I don't know enough other "proper" foreigners to compare!

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