Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think as "playdate" aged 5 means the parent visits too?

70 replies

toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 06:09

Genuine AIBU here. My twin girls (3 and a bit) just started kindergarten, it's in Germany, the kids go there until they start school at 6. One of the older girls has taken a bit of a shine to my kids and yesterday her mum said to me that she'd like to come visit and play with them. We started discussing times and suddenly they're coming that afternoon. When they arrived, the mum was like "can I leave her with you? I have to go and get my older daughter" and I said, oh OK sure, pick her up in an hour? And she frowned and was like, oh that's not a lot of time, what about two hours? I agreed because my German's shit so I'm not great at arguing. Kid was nice enough, and my girls are still quite little so it's unknown territory for me but surely you don't drop your 5 year old off for two hours with a mum you've spoken to about 3 times and who doesn't even speak your kid's language particularly well?

OP posts:
Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 30/09/2015 07:12

*it being my GErman

Mehitabel6 · 30/09/2015 07:17

By 5 yrs you shouldn't need to stay. If I asked children around at that age I didn't expect the parent.

Witchend · 30/09/2015 07:23

At 5yo I'd have said usual to be dropped off unless child has problems staying on their own.
If she's got to get an older child she'll need to go anyway.

RabbitSaysWoof · 30/09/2015 07:27

I would do drop off pd's now with a 3 year old, and I know he wouldn't mind, but I think the done thing here is parent stays until around school age. I think I'm in the minority a lot of my friends would not drop their under 7 at a party. My dc wants a party for his 4th birthday but the thought of having the parents their puts me off.

Flutterbutterfly · 30/09/2015 07:28

At five you drop and run, unless your friend with mum, then you drink wine.

I think she used you as free childcare. I'd not be allowing that to happen again.

wigglesrock · 30/09/2015 07:28

I'd leave a five year old without me at a playdate, my youngest has just started primary school, she's 4 - its drop and run from primary school.

Lasaraleen · 30/09/2015 07:30

This is normal for 5 year olds where I live (UK). Maybe it seems weird to you because your kids are younger.

Mistigri · 30/09/2015 07:34

I think drop-and-run happens earlier on on the continent. The first time we left DD at a party she wasn't yet 3!

diddl · 30/09/2015 07:40

Well I think that it's up to the parent tbh & as long as contact details are left it's OK.

Was it 3-6pm??

Also at 5, they are in the last year of Kita & expected to be getting independant ready for school!

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 30/09/2015 07:52

btw I'd turn down a 1 hour playdate I had to arrange and ferry my child to and from (different if its a spontaneous thing with a neighbor 2 mins away) and just take my child with me where I was going (unless it was something not child compatible like an interview!).

I don't think she was using you as childcare if all she was doing was going to get her older daughter - younger siblings are used to being schlepped about when ferrying older ones about as it just isn't long enough - sometimes it takes then 45 mins to settle down - they've only just really got into settled playing and they'd be picked up, plus its annoying to go out of your way to drop a child for a playdate not much longer than the required travel time!

Don't cut your kids off from playdates out of fear you are being used as childcare, unless it inconveniences you or the child is not well behaved. Its a Mumsnet Thing to get all offended assuming somebody is using you - but if you are a "Stranger in a Strange Land" you sometimes have to take what you can get in terms of local friends for your kids (as long as the kids themselves are nice and the parents trustworthy) to get them solidly and fully integrated at first - especially if your kids need the German practice and don't have a big circle of local friends from toddlers group years who you continue to socialise with.

You do need to expect 2 to two and a half hours, especially if people are spending perhaps 20 minutes getting to your house and another 20 minutes getting home!

sofato5miles · 30/09/2015 08:28

2- 3 hours is playdate norm, surely.

reni2 · 30/09/2015 08:35

Bit of a mix, drop and run at times from about 4yo, sometimes stay, I go by the hosting parent. If they appear to want a cup of tea and company, I stay, if they say see you later I go. Sometimes a mix, quick cup and tea, then I go.

Mehitabel6 · 30/09/2015 08:35

Just make it clear on the invitations that it is children only, Rabbit

reni2 · 30/09/2015 08:41

Rabbit, drop off parties here usually say "drop off at 2:30pm, pick up at 5pm" or something like this.

hampsterdam · 30/09/2015 08:44

Not unreasonable to drop and rum at 5. Unresonable to say my child would love to come to your house I'll drop him off later for 2 hours. More normal to wait to be invited.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 30/09/2015 08:58

Totally normal not to stay with a 5yo. Here noone stays from Reception onwards, which for lots of dcs is 4. You would only stay if you were especially good friends with the mum.

Usually how it goes is you collect both kids from school and pick up is around 6pm. So 2.5-3 hours. I would find 1 hour a bit strange, hardly worth bothering really!

Also worth remembering that it gets harder to schedule these things when you have older children with their own activities and playdates (ugh hate that word!) I wouldn't really drag my older child along and tbh they probably have something else on anyway.

Not so normal to invite yourself round though!

Booboostwo · 30/09/2015 09:02

I'm in France as well and most of DD's friends were left alone for her 3rd birthday party. Some kids were shy so their mums stayed but now at 4yo they are all happy to be left even shy DD.

1 hour is short for a playdate, 2-3 hours normal, 4 hours is pushing it!

ohtheholidays · 30/09/2015 09:09

I think leaaving a child for a playdate is fine,lots of my friends have dropped they're child/children of at mine for playdates and the Mum's haven't stayed.

But leaving a child with someone you don't really know and speaks a different language to yourself and your child then no,there is no way I'd do that.

But we have had neighbors that have gone of out and left they're child with me,without even asking and the parents didn't know me or DH at all.Luckily for the children they were in safe hands with me and DH but the parents didn't know that.

Original poster
toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 09:16

Thanks for the replies, everyone! I'm going to have to think this one through as I have zero interest in looking after someone else's 5 year old as well as my own kids. If my kids were 5, it'd be different very probably, as they would all just play together, but at the moment one of my girls for sure would be very uncomfortable with being left to play alone with a new friend in the house - in fact yesterday I had to stay closer than usual as she was quite unnerved by the whole thing at the same time as slightly enjoying it.

OP posts:
Original poster
toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 09:22

ohtheholidays that's the thing - she's spoken to me like 3 times, and my kids don't speak German (they understand it, so you have this odd situation where I have to one-way interpret for my kids), and they're 3! The kid is really sweet and she does that thing of wanting to look after them, but they're not friends really.

I need to get a job.

OP posts:
MinecraftWonder · 30/09/2015 09:22

Mine were 5 when they started going over a school friends house for tea...it was/is always drop and run. Or sometimes the other parent just picks them straight up from school to take home with them.

I would be a bit unimpressed if the dc were invited over for tea and then I was expected to sit there for 2/3 hours tbh. However, the optimum word being 'invited' - I would never ask a school friends parent if they could come over, it's a bit cheeky.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 30/09/2015 09:22

If I was expected to sit around for a minimum of a couple of hours whilst my child played at their friends house im afraid the 'playdate' wouldn't be happening. Sounds like hell.

gamerchick · 30/09/2015 09:30

Well these play date things aren't compulsory. Just say no in future.

Original poster
toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 09:31

Sharon I wouldn't have expected her to sit for 2-3 hours, I expected her to turn up with her kid for half an hour, have a cup of tea, check me out and then maybe arrange something for another time.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 30/09/2015 09:35

My eldest was having play dates after school at that age, it was expected for the parent hosting to pick up from school, then the visiting child's parent to pick up from the play date. HTH