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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think as "playdate" aged 5 means the parent visits too?

70 replies

toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 06:09

Genuine AIBU here. My twin girls (3 and a bit) just started kindergarten, it's in Germany, the kids go there until they start school at 6. One of the older girls has taken a bit of a shine to my kids and yesterday her mum said to me that she'd like to come visit and play with them. We started discussing times and suddenly they're coming that afternoon. When they arrived, the mum was like "can I leave her with you? I have to go and get my older daughter" and I said, oh OK sure, pick her up in an hour? And she frowned and was like, oh that's not a lot of time, what about two hours? I agreed because my German's shit so I'm not great at arguing. Kid was nice enough, and my girls are still quite little so it's unknown territory for me but surely you don't drop your 5 year old off for two hours with a mum you've spoken to about 3 times and who doesn't even speak your kid's language particularly well?

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 30/09/2015 09:41

Sorry OP. YABU

is irrelevant. You agreed to a playdate. That means that although 'unspoken' you've already agreed that you are comfortable with your children being supervised with one parent - either or.

Drop and run is fine.
2 hours is fine.

I have always been really clear with invites - Playdate is as above
If I am unsure and want a child to stay for an hour with mum. I invite the Mum for a cup of tea and suggest the kids can 'have a little play'. That means YOU DRINK TEA AND STAY

SlightlyJaded · 30/09/2015 09:41

*age is irrelevant

Fiderer · 30/09/2015 09:44

The drop & run thing is normal here as I wrote but you should also be aware of the "Great my children can learn English" mothers.

I had that when mine were in KG and primary. Mothers with children mine weren't really friendly with suddenly announcing (not asking) they'd all love to play together.

I used to point out that a) they don't really know each other apart from attending the same KG or school and

b) even if they were friends, my children would speak German with them because that's what they do/did. Speak German with German-speaking children and English with other English-speaking children.

Some were v pushy. I soon learned to be v blunt.

HesterShaw · 30/09/2015 09:48

When did it become a thing that parents had to go as well when their kids went round someone's house?

Surely it used to be that the kids played, were given sausages and chips (or similar) and then a parent came to collect the visitor. I remember me and by siblings doing this from about three or four.

When did all this change? Genuine question as I am forty and have no children.

minipie · 30/09/2015 09:52

Generally yes age 5 is drop and run

BUT this scenario is different. The OP's children are 3 and it sounds pretty clear the OP is being used as free childcare by the 5 yo's mother.

OP, if this mum suggests a play date again, feel free to smile sweetly and say "sure, what time should I drop the twins at yours?" Then watch her backtrack...

composemail · 30/09/2015 09:57

God this thread reminds me of the Mum who turned up on a playdate with her seven year old and stayed until 8pm at night shudder

reni2 · 30/09/2015 10:00

Looking at your last posts, OP I agree you were a childminder not a play date host for the other mum. But going forward I find hosting play dates easier minus parent, the kids can do their thing and I pop my head in when it goes quiet once every so often and get on with my stuff. If I am not close friends with the other parent 2-3 hours of tea and small talk are painful. Wouldn't do it so readily with 3 year olds though, they need too much input.

Original poster

toomuchtooold · 30/09/2015 10:07

minipie

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/09/2015 10:15

Once they can use the toilet independently I'd rather the parents went off to amuse themselves once the child was settled.

But yes, Minipie's suggestion is spot on Cheeky woman - who drops off a 5yo to play with 2 x 3yo's unless they were long standing friends?.

KitZacJak · 30/09/2015 10:16

I think it is normal if the child was happy to be left. In UK it is normal from reception so either 4 or 5 years old - though the first time at this age we normally stayed with new people and then left them alone the next time.

sproketmx · 30/09/2015 10:20

No. I wouldn't be staying. Depending on how far you lived I probably wouldn't even be taking them.

PrimalLass · 30/09/2015 10:35

From age 3 onwards I left DD at playdates because she was happy to be left. DS was (just) 5 when he let me leave him.

yumyumpoppycat · 30/09/2015 10:55

It honestly is easier having the playdates with just the child once they get to about 5 as they don't need the same level of supervision. I do usually have to put more effort in when children have friends round but I think that's a good thing! tbh think the problem is that it's now the mother's turn to have your children and presumably you won't want to leave them at her house as they are younger so the issue is going to be working that out - if she is happy to have you in for coffee when your children go to play at hers then it will prob work itself out and you will either become friends or strictly drop and run.

noeffingidea · 30/09/2015 11:02

I wouldn't have sat in someone elses's house making small.talk just so that my kid could play with someone else's kid, unless we were already friends of course. The reverse is true as well - I wouldn't want some random Mum in my house either.
So 'playdates' started when they were happy to be left alone. Probably 4 or 5.
I did seem to have a lot of kids in my house at first but both my boys were a bit clingy to me.

FloppyRagdoll · 30/09/2015 13:12

Also in Germany; even when we arrived here almost 22 years ago (the week my eldest turned 3 - he started Kindergarten on his birthday), the drop and run thing was usual. And it was pretty usual in Kindergarten for the kids to have differently-aged friends because the groups were thoroughly mixed.

I didn't really come across the English-language issue that Fiderer mentions - either that or I was just too thick-skinned/poor at the language to notice.

aibubenadhem · 30/09/2015 14:00

Year R here (UK), only one parent has ever stayed, and that was the very overprotective one who followed the school trip in his car to make sure PFB was being supervised adequately! I've never stayed with my dd, I'd have nobody to look after my three others for a start.

My three year old has had a friend to play whose parent didn't stay. I'm not sure whether my dd would be happy to go without me. I stay at birthday parties.

CremeEggThief · 30/09/2015 14:06

YABU. 2-3 hours is normal for an after-school play date, from when DC are 4-5, in Reception in the UK. You usually pick up from school at 3-3.30, give tea/early dinnet/substantial snack if the DC you're hosting comes from a family who prefer to eat altogether at 7, and DC are generally collected 5.30-6 p.m.

Mehitabel6 · 30/09/2015 22:15

The whole point of a play date is to let them amuse themselves so you can get on and do things- impossible with the parent staying.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 01/10/2015 06:50

The fact the girls aren't friends and yours don't speak German changes the whole scenario! That's a totally different thing.

Somebody on MN warned me about the "my kids can learn English" scenario but I have also never come across it - the kids always initiate the play dates and even at 3 I don't micro manage them at all - just keep half an eye on them and provide food and drink really, they are used to get on and playing together at Kindergarten and do so at home too. My kids started Kindergarten speaking reasonable German though so the kids always spoke to their friends in German, they'd only hear me speaking to my kids in English (though DD's very best friend has picked up very good passive understanding over the last 7 years, she's the only one who has really - and my DD has learnt plenty about fancy pants craft techniques from her BFF's much older sister, and had plenty of lifts and all sorts from her friend's family too).

At 3 mine didn't really have much older friends even though the groups were mixed age - you do get the mother hen type older girls, but they don't transfer that outside Kindergarten. Sometimes their friends will end up a school year ahead, but not 2 full years older. One of my DS' is a footballer and played for an under 7s team from age 5, and only through football did he have really good friends up to 3 years older who did (and still do) come 'round, and he goes to theirs - they're no trouble as they just play football the whole time they're here, I just have to chuck the odd drink and banana their way!

Byrdie · 01/10/2015 18:29

Ugh. Just chill out. Refuse the next playdate if you don't feel comfortable. You'll soon learn that germans are blunt and direct. What they say is what they mean - none of this bullshit of saying one thing and meaning another.

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