Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

are we being selfish?

64 replies

Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 00:14

I have been offered a job in Canada.

FIL is a widow. We have relied heavily on him for help since the birth of dd1. Less so now, only on the odd occasion.

FIL has bailed us out on our house (circa 38k) which we are paying him back once we've sold our house.

Today we told FIL I have been offered a job in Canada (we have mentioned this previously, as recent as last week). His reaction was "well don't invite me because I won't be coming. I've travelled enough".

Are we selfish for leaving? We have 3 DC, SIL has 2 but lives in north London while we live 15 min away. Dd1 was born shortly after MIL death and FIL loves her so much.

Are we being selfish in leaving?

OP posts:
Squishyeyeballs · 29/09/2015 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andrewofgg · 29/09/2015 00:32

No. Emigration is part of human history. It used to mean more or less completely losing contact; now there is email and FaceTime to make it easier.

Go and good luck and don't pack guilt in your bags.

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 00:36

We just meant to visit. I have no idea how much he meant by it. He kept escaping too (u need to get my tea, getting laundry off the line). He has my SIL here and her two young children. Not really many friends. He tends to keep to himself a lot and we see him weekly. This is putting me off the idea. No, it's not set in stone, a lot of things need to happen in ladder did ha go go.

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 29/09/2015 01:38

I wouldn't frame this in terms of being selfish or not. It might be better to look at this as a decision that will impact all of you, including your FIL, and you should to some extent include the impact on him in your decision-making.

Emigrating is hard. I am an emigrant. It was incredibly difficult when my Fil, my mother and my father got ill and eventually died. My children had wonderful times with their grandparents (who did travel to see them) but missed the weekly, easy relationship my nieces and nephews had with them.

You do what you have to to support your family and make the best choices you can. But while it isn't selfish to go, you should also make your decision aware of how much it will affect someone who clearly loves you all very much and is a huge support to you.

Canyouforgiveher · 29/09/2015 01:41

Go and good luck and don't pack guilt in your bags.

I don't know of any emigrant who has elderly parents left behind who doesn't feel guilt, concern, and worry. I'm not sure I would like anyone who didn't feel those normal human emotions about being 3000 miles away.

emigration is certainly part of human history. It can be the best thing for a person/family. Doesn't mean it is easy.

ChristineDePisan · 29/09/2015 01:48

I feel guilty almost every day that we "took" the DC away from my parents when we emigrated (they were very close, and we saw each other regularly). Doesn't mean that moving here wasn't also absolutely the right thing for us to do - as a pp says, just because it is right doesn't mean it's easy Flowers

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 19:53

I am absolutely torn between doing what I know is best for my family and breaking FIL (and DC) heart.

OP posts:
mamasilla · 29/09/2015 20:03

Poor guy. Sorry, I think you are being selfish. I don't mean to be horrible but he sounds like the best type of FIL you could get. You are lucky

Piglet333 · 29/09/2015 20:21

Do what's best for your family. You only live once. I guarantee he will come and visit you, especially if he loves your DD so much. You can't live your life for other people.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 29/09/2015 20:31

My parents moved to England when I was small and as a result, all my cousins/grandparents/aunts/uncles are really close and I'm on the outside because I only saw them for a couple of weeks every 2/3 years. I wish I grew up with my family around me and I hated saying goodbye. I think as my mum's parents grew older, she regretted not being able to see them as often as her sister, as well.

But, there's no right answer. You need to do what is right for you, but that might mean only seeing your FIL when you come back to England. Not everyone is willing to do long-distance travel to visit relatives and you need to consider how things will change as he gets older. He won't be able to travel forever - age and ill-health will eventually mean he's not happy/able to travel to Canada to visit, which means paying for the lot of you to fly back to England if you want to see him.

I suppose it depends what's more important to you at the end of the day - only you can make that decision.

Headofthehive55 · 29/09/2015 20:32

I still like in the same country as my DM and DF but a decent distance away. One of the things my DD has recently said to me was that she has been so envious of her friends living near their grandparents. I had that growing up and I didn't realise just how much I valued it until I see my children have not had that. I think they have missed out.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 29/09/2015 21:31

So you've basically used him for free childcare, taken/borrowed his money when it suited you, let him develop a bond with your DD and now you're going to fuck off to another country.

I'd say that's pretty selfish TBH. The phrase "I'm alright jack" springs to mind... but hey! You've got a job right?! And I assume you can't get work in the UK? Fucking appalling way to treat your family. I'd give my right arm to have what you are so casually prepared to walk away from.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 21:35

How old is he?

Siennasun · 29/09/2015 21:53

What's your work situation in the UK? I think it would be selfish unless you have a very good reason for leaving that you've not mentioned in the OP.
I lived overseas for several years when I was growing up and as an adult I have moved abroad for work, but in your situation I wouldn't consider it, unless I was really desperate.

LemonySmithit · 29/09/2015 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 21:58

Happy, do you talk to people the way you just did to me in RL? I hope not. This is clearly not a decision I am taking lightly is it?

He is 71. And when he has offered that we keep money we always pay back (only to do with property and this has been twice).

No, we do not depend on him for childcare. And for the past 7 years he has developed a bond with all my DC, especially dd1. How exactly could I have predicted the future? And even if I could, how would I have stopped the bond?

I also have to consider the age of dd1 (7). The older she gets the harder it becomes to move her.

I grew up a 15 hour drive away from both sets of grandparents and all my cousins. It's not has a single impact on my relationship with cousins or grandparents but then I was born into that, it was never taken away from me.

This is weighing heavily on my mind. I feel like I have to choose between FIL and SIL versus what is right for my DC. My parents are in the US and will be a 3 HR flight away. My DC have always been separated from them and we make it work with visits twice a year plus weekly FaceTime.

I don't know what else to say other than this keeps me awake at night.

OP posts:
BearFoxBear · 29/09/2015 21:58

I can't help but agree with SmilingHappyBeaver and Siennasun. It sounds like you've used him when it suited you, and now you'll be off without a second glance. Poor guy. I couldn't do that to my parents, they would be devastated.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 22:00

It's not using him, for god's sake! She's living here - they all benefit. Now she's thinking of moving, that's all.

Would you be able to have him stay for three months at a time, OP?

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 22:00

My work situation is such that I have no career growth in the UK. My career growth is in North America.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 22:01

He could move in with us if he wanted. Of course he can stay as long as he likes. It's him saying he won't, not vice versa!

OP posts:
Pidapie · 29/09/2015 22:11

We moved away from my dad (newly widowed) 6 months after my son was born. We had to, there was no choice, but I still hate the guilt, and feel so sad about it all the time. I know it would have been better if we could have stayed. I think you are very lucky with what you have, but do appreciate you have family in the states too. I think it would take a once-in-a-lifetime job to move so far. Any chance you could take the job, move over for a month or two, and then decide? Good luck!

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 22:12

No, I didn't mean that you were saying he couldn't! I was just wondering whether you'd have the space to have him to stay for a long time rather than a short visit.

He's only 71; he's too young to say he's not going to travel anywhere.

It's a really difficult situation - I can see both sides. It sounds as though he's upset at the moment and might need a bit of time to think about things.

AlpacaLypse · 29/09/2015 22:19

I think you should put your own needs first on this occasion, just make it as easy as possible for your extended family here in UK to keep in touch with each other.

One of my sisters is racked with the same sort of guilt about having moved her family to the US from UK for a minimum two years, but financially and career wise it was a no brainer. Skype and Friends and Family mean that our mum is speaking with her and her two children just as much as when we all still lived in the same county.

And the upside is we're all looking forward to spending a few weeks hanging out in California in rent free accommodation next spring!

PlopsyWhopsy · 29/09/2015 22:21

I'd move, you've lived away from the other set of grandparents/ your parents. Let you children have a bond with them as well. Lots of people get help with money and houses, it doesn't tie them to staying near, especially if your pay them back.
Take the job, plan your move and let him know that he is welcome to move with you/you will help, or visit for months at a time. If he is physically capable of travelling once you're there he'll definitley come, especially if asked to do so by his GC

knaffedoff · 29/09/2015 22:23

Sorry but I think you are being selfish.

Swipe left for the next trending thread