are we being selfish?

[Allisgood1]

I have been offered a job in Canada.

FIL is a widow. We have relied heavily on him for help since the birth of dd1. Less so now, only on the odd occasion.

FIL has bailed us out on our house (circa 38k) which we are paying him back once we've sold our house.

Today we told FIL I have been offered a job in Canada (we have mentioned this previously, as recent as last week). His reaction was "well don't invite me because I won't be coming. I've travelled enough".

Are we selfish for leaving? We have 3 DC, SIL has 2 but lives in north London while we live 15 min away. Dd1 was born shortly after MIL death and FIL loves her so much.

Are we being selfish in leaving?

He is getting his money back and he did a bit of babysitting which a lot of grandparents do doesn't mean adult children should be in debt to him forever.

I think you should go. I expect that once he's got over the initial sadness, he'll be there like a shot. Skype and other communication means the people don't disappear when they move now.

I think people are being bloody harsh here. Parents do things for their kids. He's done the right thing by you. Now you need to do the right thing by your own DD.

Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing, sometimes fantastic opportunities come up and you have to make difficult decisions.

What does your DH think about it?

A relative spent two years in Canada (I think as a sahm, and obviously decades ago) - she hated it, especially the winters. Sligjtly missing the point I know, but is the grass really greener?

I also agree with PP saying what does your DH think? It's his dad and sister he'll be leaving behind - will he be happy to live that far away should something awful happen? Will it be easy for him/you to return in an emergency?

We moved abroad for a few years now a while ago. When we moved it had been a distinct possibility that the move would have been permanent.

At the time my DM was very upset: similar situation, we had lived just round the corner, she had been widowed a few years earlier. DM did say things which came from the upset to her. She also did make an impulse move to live next to her sister which she immediately regretted.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Dont judge your FiL he may be kicking out a little as this is a change and therefore a bit frightening. Once things are settled and this is a done deal dont be surprised if the lure of visiting DGC gets him back on a plane.

Gosh, I didn't realise if you accept the offer of financial help from someone it means you are committing to live close to them for life! Very harsh responses here.
Since our DC were born we've lived in 3 different countries due to work, none of them the same country as either sets of parents. We both studied languages at uni so I guess that's kind of what you're gearing up for! We FaceTime, sent pictures etc. It's fine.

^^ .... THIS

Helps if I quote eh what MrsDv said

That again.

But I have never lived anywhere near grandparents or any extended family, my sister lives about 300 miles away and my parents moved to Spain.

DH lives about 20 minutes from his family and it has ben over a decade since he has seen any of them.

So yes, OP is being selfish. We all are when it comes to living our own lives, making the best choices for our families. It is what we all should be doing.

It's not just about the job. The job is our entry into Canada. It's also fantastic in terms of career growth. Money is ok, not enticing, but we will cope. It's more about getting out of the U.K. which is something DH and I have always discussed. Canada is where we decided we want to be, mainly for the kids and being closer to my family (3hr flight versus 9hr flight from parents, sisters are about a 2hr flight away). SIL has 2 small children so FIL isn't left with no gc here. SIL currently visits weekly but this may change as her oldest starts school. In any case, FIL is currently going to hers every Sunday for roast. He used to come to us but this is part of us trying to transition him to what life will be like with us not here.

I wouldn't say selfish, but I moved back to the UK from the USA to be closer to family. Being far away does make a huge difference, even with visits, skype etc. I know my parents were sad when I was away and would have hated if I'd started a family abroad. I think you should think hard if this is what you want to do - are there no comparable jobs in the UK/Europe? It is also very difficult to be so far away when things like medical problems and other crises arise.

Not sure if you're still checking this OP but here are my thoughts!

Whether going to Canada is selfish depends on what happens once you're there.

My uncle emigrated to Toronto in the 1970s and came back twice a year for summer and Christmas until my GP died. Same with an aunt going to Calgary. All of their DC had great relationships with their GP.

My BIL on the other hand went to Canada and has only been back with DC twice (they're 9 and 11). PIL are elderly and have health problems so can't really visit. Both are very sad as they have no relationship at all except photos occasionally.

You've already said that you visit family in the USA regularly so in sure you'd do the same for FIL. I think you should go.