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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

are we being selfish?

64 replies

Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 00:14

I have been offered a job in Canada.

FIL is a widow. We have relied heavily on him for help since the birth of dd1. Less so now, only on the odd occasion.

FIL has bailed us out on our house (circa 38k) which we are paying him back once we've sold our house.

Today we told FIL I have been offered a job in Canada (we have mentioned this previously, as recent as last week). His reaction was "well don't invite me because I won't be coming. I've travelled enough".

Are we selfish for leaving? We have 3 DC, SIL has 2 but lives in north London while we live 15 min away. Dd1 was born shortly after MIL death and FIL loves her so much.

Are we being selfish in leaving?

OP posts:

Booyaka · 29/09/2015 22:23

I think you should go, but if further down the line he needs more care would you be able to bring him over?

Siennasun · 29/09/2015 22:31

I was talking to my mum the other day about when we moved overseas when I was 6 and how guilty she had felt when I cried pretty much constantly for my first week of school because I missed my family and friends. I don't even remember it, I got used to changing schools.
I had lots of great experiences and opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I'd grown up in the UK but I wouldn't choose to it for my child. DS is very close to his gp and I wouldn't break that bond unless I had absolutely no choice.

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 29/09/2015 22:33

Yes we could bring him over but he's refuse. SIL is here and DH would have to come back if something devastating happened.

None of my siblings live anywhere near my parents so I guess we are all selfish for leaving them too?

OP posts:

CrapBag · 29/09/2015 22:36

I don't think you are being selfish. I think you need to do what is best for you and your family. Most people don't turn down good jobs because they need to stay near family and continue working in a job they don't like or has no progression.

You will nearer to your parents, that will be a huge bonus. Why does your FIL have to be put first? I know he has been nearby for years but then your parents have missed out.

I think it sounds like a good opportunity and you should go for it. I bet your FIL would change his mind and visit.

Booyaka · 29/09/2015 22:38

Well it doesn't sound like he is pressuring you to stay. It's fine. If he was really frail and would struggle alone then maybe YWBU. But that's not the case. He's made his decision he wants to stay where he is and that's up to him. Where you go is up to you. He sounds pretty independent and doesn't sound like the sort of person who is particularly going to struggle if he doesn't have someone popping in every day. Don't beat yourself up about it.

FixItUpChappie · 29/09/2015 23:01

Some people are being very harsh. Your FIL lent you some money presumably because he could and wanted to help out - not so that he would be "owed" for the rest of his life.

You have to live your life. Only you know what is best for your family....do the benefits of close family outweigh the benefits of this job opportunity? How does your husband feel about it?

It's a hard choice but not one about selfishness I don't think.

PoundingTheStreets · 29/09/2015 23:06

I don't think it's being selfish as such, but as someone who has several different perspectives on this situation, I'd say that a loving, supportive family would have to make the job pretty bloody spectacular in order to be worth the sacrifice.

manicinsomniac · 30/09/2015 00:32

My mum is the only reason I didn't move myself and my daughters to Brazil years ago.

My dad died when I was much younger and her brother and parents are dead too. I have a sister but she has no children. It would destroy my mum if we emigrated. I couldn't do it to her.

So, personally, I can't see how you could move But maybe your FIL is a different character. If he will cope and be happy without you I would go. If not then I wouldn't.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/09/2015 00:48

FFS there are some smug whinyarses on here.
It is much, much easier to keep in touch with people than it used to be. Anyone (however elderly, unless s/he is so senile that s/he doesn't know who you are anyway) can learn, or be helped, to use Skype or something similar for a weekly chat, or set up a family-only Facebook account to share pictures and correspond, and your FIL sounds healthy enough to come and visit you for holidays, same as you could go and visit him.

And, from your OP, he hasn't begged you not to leave him. He's said he doesn't want to move to Canada. That's a fairly massive difference.
Take the job, enjoy. Even if it is in

Atenco · 30/09/2015 03:22

It is a shame, but don't all us parents of adult children know that our children can up and go at any time?

Are you certain you'll like Canada? I lived there for four years many moons ago and though there were some things I liked, it wasn't my idea of home.

CanadianJohn · 30/09/2015 04:01

I'm in the ame age bracket as the FIL. When my daughter got a job in Australia, and moved there with hubby and her 3 children, they went with my blessings.

It's not that hard to keep in touch these days, what with email and Skype, and similar. Young people have to have their own lives.

EchoOfADistantTide · 30/09/2015 04:42

I felt guilty moving away 11 years ago, especially as I'm an only child and my kids are my parents' only grandchildren. However, both my parents are pleased that we're all happy and doing well.

A few countries later I've ended up in Canada. If you do move, I do hope he visits you but for those who say he can move with you, you should be aware that you would need to sponsor him and for him to receive his permanent residency to allow him to live in Canada with you and that could take YEARS.

EchoOfADistantTide · 30/09/2015 04:43

I felt guilty moving away 11 years ago, especially as I'm an only child and my kids are my parents' only grandchildren. However, both my parents are pleased that we're all happy and doing well.

Queenbean · 30/09/2015 05:14

Some very harsh responses on here. I am sure that when fil lent that money he did so out of good grace, not so that you would be forever more in his debt, emotionally as well as monetary

What does your dh think of all this?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 30/09/2015 06:45

I don't think people are being harsh, they're speaking from personal experience. It can be very hard living so far away from your family - the opposite end of the same country really isn't the same as being a 9+ hour flight away.

Some people are happy to do that, but others have been there and wished it was different. I grew up on the opposite side of the world from my family (the only relatives within a 9 hour flight were an aunt and cousin I've never met), and I hated it. My dad, on the other hand, lives 24 hours+ flight from his parents and siblings and it doesn't bother any of them. Everyone is different and I guess OP needs to figure out whether her (and especially her DH) will be happy living so far away from him.

MoonriseKingdom · 30/09/2015 06:55

Strictly speaking you are being selfish - you are potentially making a decision for your family which will have a negative impact on your FIL. That doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. However, think very carefully about the long term ramifications.

My grandparents moved from Aus to Uk when my dad was 9. They moved back 10 years later by which time my dad felt British. He went back briefly but returned to the UK. I only saw my grandparents, aunts and cousins every couple of years. I don't feel part of his family and am much closer to my mum's family. My dad suffers huge guilt about his elderly parents (his father died last year) although he is able to visit once a year.

What are your plans? Is this a temporary or permanent move? Do you have family there - if not how do you feel about your daughter not seeing family often? What if you wanted to return in a few years (whatever your plans are now) and your daughter doesn't.

This is not to say you shouldn't but sometimes people underestimate the long term impact of emigration.

TheStripyGruffalo · 30/09/2015 07:19

I do think you are being selfish, sorry. Family ties are important. Why do you need this job? Surely there is one that you can do in this country? We live just down the road from my father and I wouldn't have it any other way as he's in his 80s and has nobody else.

Youarentkiddingme · 30/09/2015 07:22

I can see why your finding it hard to make a decision.
However people are focussing on the fact your FIl helped you out previously (his choice) to decline you your choice right now.
You live the other side of the world to your own parents - it happens.
And yes, FIL is only 71 but if he was to sadly pass away in the next 10 years, when your children are teenagers will the opportunity for your career still be there? Will you be able to take a better job/pay then? Will that be the right time to move your children's education system?

What does your DH think?

Personally as difficult as it is i think you should go.

Youarentkiddingme · 30/09/2015 07:26

I'm laughing quite a lot at the number of "it's so hard to live so far away from family"

Read the thread people - her own parents live in America. She will be closer to them with the move.

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2015 07:27

Poor man its going to be hard for him I dont think you have used him you are family however I think you should go if its what you and your husband want being selfish:isnt a terrible thing when its for the greater good we all make selfish decisions sometimes.

QueenofLouisiana · 30/09/2015 07:28

Yes you would be selfish to move, as in you would be thinking of yourselves before others. However, it may still be completely the right thing to do.

My DFather emigrated when I was 18, as a result he has a very different relationship with DS, DH and me than my mum and step-dad do. He missed my wedding, missed the first few months of DS's life, doesn't get the phonecalls full of inconsequential rubbish my mum gets.... As he gets older and has poorer health I worry about the future- it's hellishly expensive to visit and isn't a quick trip. I don't do it every year, I can't afford it.

On the other hand, when we visit, it's for a month at a time. We get a good chunk of time together. We ring regularly. DS knows it's special when we go out there to see him. It's very exciting and we plan for the trip for a whole year.

It must be a tough decision. I hope whatever you decide goes really well- it could be a very exciting chapter in your life.

Tutt · 30/09/2015 07:30

We're going which means leaving my DM, who is a widow and I'm an only child.
She like your DFIL will understand in time, needs must and we need to be happy which means we must take every oppertunity.

diddl · 30/09/2015 07:31

I don't think that you can live your life for others tbh.

I have a friend who won't move from the same town as her parents & I just can't get my head around that at all!

OK, so Canada isn't as easy as a hop to Europe but if you offer & he won't visit, then he has made that decision & will have to be content with Skype & you all or your partner& kids visiting when possible.

AnnaMarlowe · 30/09/2015 07:38

My Mum's view is that they made their own choices (which included moving away from their home towns for work) so we should make our own choices and know that we'll have their blessing.

They say that knowing that their own lives will be substantially changed by us leaving as they see the children every day.

Flutterbutterfly · 30/09/2015 07:39

It seems very mean. You've used him when you needed him and now your moving on...

I know that not how you want to see it.

You need to take him with you.

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