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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is odd (MIL issue)

97 replies

3rdrockfromthesun · 27/09/2015 22:30

Just come back from London and seeing DP's parents who are separated. Was going through the drawers Before leaving to pack stuff we had forgotten/ left behind last time where I found some of DP's underwear. Started to pack them when DP said that his mother has spare paints for him just in case he forgets to bring some with him! AIBU to think this is a bit odd as DP is 25 (not going on 3) that he can just nip to the shop and buy spares/new paints if forgets like the rest of us ?

OP posts:

DowntownFunk · 28/09/2015 07:41

What should I call my Dp of more that 30 years' mother?

"DP's mum"

Marry him if you want a MIL.

AwfulBeryl · 28/09/2015 07:48

just
Op there is nothing wrong with having spare underwear for your grown up dc, my Mum used to have spares for me and a toothbrush too. She does it to save me Nipping to the shop, because she wants to be kind.

My mil (and I do call her mil even though I am not married to dp)doesn't do this for dp, it doesn't matter.

Why are you all so fucking tetchy..? MN is just one big bicker bonanza at the moment.

Thighbrow · 28/09/2015 07:52

My DH moved out 15 years ago and not so long ago we visited and he had no pants - he'd left his stuff out for me to pack and forgot pants. He went commando and bought some the next day. My MIL doesn't keep spares but if a 37 year old man can forget then I can see why she has spares!

diddl · 28/09/2015 07:59

I find it odd if she has bought them specifically.

Not so odd if he has left them there imo.

SquinkiesRule · 28/09/2015 08:14

My oldest has moved out and 18 months after he left I still hadn't cleared out his drawers, so he had lots of clothes undies, socks etc still in his old room.
Not odd at all.

Mehitabel6 · 28/09/2015 08:15

One of the best parts of being a mother is that you can be odd!
Maybe OP feels insecure if she thinks it worth bothering about.

Mehitabel6 · 28/09/2015 08:17

My DS has old clothes left in drawers. I bought him new socks the other week and added them- I had no idea this was taboo! They were a bargain I spotted -and the sort he wears.

Seriouslyffs · 28/09/2015 08:19

You're over thinking it.
I visited my parents at the weekend- I moved out 30 years ago, in fact none of their dcs have ever lived at that house and yet there's a drawer in the guest room with toothbrushes spare underwear, a nightie a friend gave mum that she didn't like (I'm wearing it now!) etc.
Unclench!

shovetheholly · 28/09/2015 08:21

I find it odd, but then I think that might be because I don't come from a home where that care is normal. If I were to forget something when staying with my parents, it would be yet another instance where I had let them down. As a result, I'm quite fiercely independent and quite proud of being able to handle things myself without help.

I think provided there isn't engulfing behaviour elsewhere, it's all fine! However, if it's triggering something because it's symptomatic of a wider failure on your DP's part to act like a grown man (and this is his issue, not his Mum's!) then that's another matter.

MyrtleMoaning · 28/09/2015 08:54

18 months is nothing, and it's perfectly normal. You are heading towards full blown MIL Angst if you find that weird. Give the woman a break, I can guarantee she knows her son better than you do.

diddl · 28/09/2015 09:05

I suppose it's odd to me as my kids are teens & I haven't bought pants for them for years.

Not likely to start when they leave home.

StampyMum · 28/09/2015 09:05

I'm 45, my sister is 50, and my mum keeps nightwear and underwear for us in a drawer each in her spare room. She's happy, we're grateful, and tbh, I consider it part of being a good host - I keep stuff like that for them in my spare room, too. If anything, I think you are odd for questioning it!

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 28/09/2015 09:30

"DP's mum"

Marry him if you want a MIL.

the IL stand for IN LAW she is legally nothing to you

FarFromAnyRoad · 28/09/2015 09:33

You've had how long to find something to whinge about with regard to your partner's Mum (she just isn't your MIL btw!) - and this is the best you can come up with?
It's not a competition you know. You don't HAVE to find something weird or snidey about her. It could all be, you know, normal.

Grip shop is thataway ----->

Unreasonablebetty · 28/09/2015 09:45

I want to tell you something important, MILs can be barmy, it's worth remembering that they will act bonkers sometimes but For the sale of your relationship with your husband, his feelings and everyone else's, you will need to just let it go.

What you have mentioned isn't that strange, but it's the same kind of thing my MIL does, and I was fuming when I first saw that she had bought him extras for her house, and I thought it was because she wanted him to run home to her when it all went wrong with us...

You'll need to forget far more than this, or you'll be forever clashing with your MIL.
When doing our notices I asked MIL if we could use my partners birth certificate as his passport ran out, MIL said if she could come with us then we could use them (so it was out of her care for as little time as possible!)
You wouldn't believe the grief I got over the lady opening the envelope wrong, it apparently proved that I was too irresponsible to look after his birth certificate and would need to wait until she dies to get hold of it.
we applied for another copy, which she is equally mad about but I just smile at DH, who then tells me how thankful he is that I don't put her in her place.

Theycallmemellowjello · 28/09/2015 09:49

I have a bunch of clothes at my parents' house! It's really not a big deal. Don't manufacture a fight with your mil where there's nothing there.

Hellocampers · 28/09/2015 09:53

Is odd you think it's odd op. It's normal really. My 26 year old has clothes here as the lazy sod hasn't cleared then out.

He's married with a baby on the way.

RB68 · 28/09/2015 09:53

My Hubby is 52 and his Mum bless keeps his room for him fully kitted out with full wardrobe!!! We find it useful and its def not about him moving back. She is 86 and likes to be organised and the room got left as it was when he last lived there but he never moved his music collection (CDs ) and alot of technical books (think computers from the 80s) the wardrobe has got a load of old stuff in it but also t shirts jumpers pants and socks. I have started keeping spares there too. Its useful as she lives central London and we always go by train so its useful to not have to carry overnight bags etc. I don't think its a big deal to be honest.

Hellocampers · 28/09/2015 09:55

mils can be barmy

Er so can dils/sils/dads/mums etc.

I can assure you I am perfectly normal.

OnlyLovers · 28/09/2015 09:55

I think it's weird and infantilising, but it looks like I'm in the minority here.

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 10:05

The thing is, spares at her house is a loving thought for a son. I think that's quite sweet, really.

I do sigh a bit when people grumble about oddities with MIL that are just part of normal human ranges, especially when clearly motivated by love. My own MIL is a really troubled individual and DH wanted us to keep her at arm's length because he doesn't trust her as far as he can throw her.

Your MIL hasn't done anything but try to provide for her son. It's not critical of you, or about you at all, is it? Underwear at her house, which you didn't even know she had, can't be anything but love. She's just his mum, and wants to provide for him in any way she can, which doesn't clip his wings or threaten his independence. You'll probably do the same, albeit perhaps not pants related, one day.

I am excited by the idea that my kids may one day be independent, because at least one (dd is too small to know, as yet) has some SEN. But I also know that however delighted I'll be if he does form his own completely independent life, I will miss him dreadfully from the house, and will want to provide loving nurture when he does visit. It's what a mother does, I think, if she can. So I understand her instinct... just as I understand that it seems barking to you!

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 10:08

That's with the proviso that there isn't some horrific back-story here, of course. You'll update now to say she photoshops you out of photos, and calls crying every weekend to complain that "you're mine, not hers!"

ozzia · 28/09/2015 10:11

I'm 28 and at my mums have underwear, socks, pj's, a toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner, some jumpers, a coat and some t shirts

It's nice and makes it feel more homely

Mums partner keeps trying to make me bring stuff to my house but I love still having stuff there.

leopardgecko · 28/09/2015 10:17

Oh dear, I'm afraid I keep a few spare clothes here for my daughter. And there have many occasions on which she was grateful for them. It means she can often stay over when she perhaps had not intended to, or get changed if needed. Once they are used I replace them. Also have many things for my grandson also. Didn't know I was weird, oh well!

HoggleHoggle · 28/09/2015 10:21

I also think you're being a bit hard on his mum. It just sounds caring, assuming there's no other backstory.

I also think that moving out 18 months ago is nothing in the scheme of things.

I have a ds and would be really upset if, once he moved out, I wasn't allowed to provide anything for him in my own home. Even pants

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