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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex AIBU

54 replies

NCNancy · 27/09/2015 14:57

Warning may be TMI!

Started dating a new guy and we have slept together a couple of times. The first time we spent ageeeesss heavy petting etc then loads of oral. We tried having PIVsex but as soon as he put the condom on he lost his errection, tried to restart things but he couldn't get going again. Never happened to me before so I was confused, he reassured me it always happens to him as he has a mental thing about using condoms.

Next time we have sex again, huge build up and loads of oral but then tells me he doesn't wanna hav PIV sex as he is really tired and wants it to be really good, not like last time, doesnt want to dissapoint me etc.

We had a bit of another day and he says he would prefer if we didnt do PIV until we decide to be in a relationship and I use BC so he doesnt have to use the condom. While I am not overly bothered about not having PIV sex (not a huge issue for me for the time being) I can't help thinking he is being unreasonable.

I prefer to use condoms and would ideally never go back on any other kind of BC due to poor experiences in the past with my health.

Any I cant help feel he IB somewhat U. Also is this normal?

OP posts:
StanSmithsChin · 27/09/2015 15:06

I will probably get shot for this but..... I think YAB a bit U. He has been honest with you, he has also not pressured you in to having PIV without a condom. My ExDH always lost his erection when faced with a condom, I don't really know why but I know it isn't unusual. I was happy once we were in a proper relationship to take over BC so condoms were never a problem again.

If he was pressuring to haves ex without BC then I would say he IBU but that isn't what he has said. You need to have a chat about BC and explain your previous health issues and take it from there.

Londonista123 · 27/09/2015 15:10

Agree with Stan. My DP also struggled with this when we started dating, though things resolved themselves as he became less nervous. How do you feel about using a "female condom" (probably not the right term but you'll know what I mean)?

Branleuse · 27/09/2015 15:30

doesnt sound like its going to work for you. Tell him that you have no intention of going on the pill, and if he has trouble keeping it up when using condoms, then youre going to have to go your seperate ways unfortunately

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/09/2015 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 27/09/2015 15:33

I don't think he has been unreasonable. He has been honest with you about the decision he mad.

You need I be honest and say you don't want to go back on birth control. You need to have a conversation about where you go from here.

If he really doesn't want to use condoms and you really don't want to use birth control the. It may be the end of the line for the relationship.

He would by, if he tried to convince you to have sex without using anythin at all.

Spartans · 27/09/2015 15:34

*decision he made not mad Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2015 15:34

He's telling you his wants in a relationship; great. You tell him yours; great. I think that ends up with you not being able to have a sexual relationship that suits you both.

I'd be very worried if he's never used condoms, his sexual health might not be up to scratch. Does he get tested regularly?

LadyNym · 27/09/2015 15:35

I don't think either of you are being U. Condoms don't work for him as a form of contraception (neither DH or I ever got on well with them so can understand that) and other forms of contraception don't work for you. Neither of you are at fault as neither of you can help it.

Gabilan · 27/09/2015 15:36

How long has this been going on for for him? How often has he had this issue previously? If he would prefer you to use BC and for him not to use condoms at all it would rather suggest that it's been an ongoing problem. How confident is he that without condoms he will be able to maintain an erection?

If it were me I'd be very wary but that's because I had a bad experience in a similar situation. It started off with him saying it was the condoms that caused problems. He'd had erectile problems for over a decade but said it was definitely worse with condoms. It's all very well for PP to say he isn't pressuring you but he's basically saying "no PIV sex until you're on the pill" which can be it's own kind of pressure if you want PIV sex. I did go on the pill but also repeatedly assured my now ex DP that his ED really didn't matter. I was happy with affection, with a lot of foreplay, with various alternatives. However in the end it all came down to him wanting PIV sex even though it was the one thing he couldn't do, even without condoms.

TMI alert (tho possibly that's already too late). On one occasion he had an erection but I wasn't ready and so asked him to wait. By the time I was ready he'd lost his erection. He made this my fault. Thus after that at any point when he had an erection I felt obliged to have PIV sex because otherwise he wouldn't have another hard on for a week and it would be my fault for not being ready in time. In fact by the end of the relationship his ED was apparently my fault even though it had gone on for well over a decade and we'd been together for a year. At no stage did he seek any medical help for his problem. All the concessions and all the changes were on my side. It wrecked my self confidence.

Now I hope you are in a completely different situation, but do be careful. Don't let him get to the stage where his ED is your problem.

AuntieStella · 27/09/2015 15:38

ED is a difficult medical issue, with possible physical causes and possible psychological ones. It might just be first time nerves writ large, or it might be a different problem. And the relationship may still be too new for him to want to go deeply into his health issues.

It deserves the same level of consideration as your future contraceptive choices (where you have to decide together what is right for both). You know you can't take hormones, and that he can't perform in condoms. Have you considered a diaphragm?

If you cannot find and agree on a form contraception which does not prevent one person from having intercourse, then you are unlikely to reach a happy sex life.

ahbollocks · 27/09/2015 15:41

2 of my ex would totally lose an election if tried to use a condom.
Both times we both got checked out and I used the pill as bc. Obviously were both
exclusive only relationship.

Senpai · 27/09/2015 15:41

Tough call. He's being honest and not trying to manipulate you to going without one.

If you don't want to go on birth control, that's completely your call.

If you're not serious with him yet, now is a good time to think about where this relationship is going. You may not be compatible through no fault of either of you.

But if you do decide to go on BC (and only do it if you want to), have go in and get screened for any STD's. If he doesn't use them, he might be carrying something even if he's not showing symptoms.

Senpai · 27/09/2015 15:47

Oh, and DH loses his erection in condoms because he can't feel anything, but can be ready to go on a hair trigger and last quite some time without them. It may not be ED either.

It's all very well for PP to say he isn't pressuring you but he's basically saying "no PIV sex until you're on the pill" which can be it's own kind of pressure if you want PIV sex.

Yeah, but don't women also do that to guys when they want them to wear condoms? It's not unreasonable to insist you need some sort of birth control before having sex.

Gabilan · 27/09/2015 15:53

"don't women also do that to guys when they want them to wear condoms?"

So what? Did I at any point bring that up or say it was a good idea? This is about this particular situation. Why are you turning it into "yeah but WOMEN do this and that's BAD". The OP isn't trying to force him into anything, she's asking for other people's experiences.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/09/2015 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scatterthenuns · 27/09/2015 15:58

Femidoms sound like a good compromise here.

johnImonlydancing · 27/09/2015 15:59

Sorry if this is obvious/ has been mentioned, but what about the risk of STDs without a condom? that would be my concern here.

WorraLiberty · 27/09/2015 16:02

2 of my ex would totally lose an election if tried to use a condom.

Was it anything to do with their ballots? Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2015 16:03

Sex with BC and no condoms ISN'T safe sex.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/09/2015 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 27/09/2015 16:04

Being on the pill isn't 'safe sex' as it leaves you wide open to STDs. Unless I've misunderstood you.

trian · 27/09/2015 16:08

"Yeah, but don't women also do that to guys when they want them to wear condoms?"

No. Condoms are more-or-less the only barrier method of contraception, that's the kind that keeps you safer from all sexually transmitted diseases (safer, not safe, nothing keeps you safe apart from no contact, the condom could burst etc). It does sound like trying a Femidom (female condom) might be worth it BUT BEWARE, I've tried it and me and the guy found it impossible to keep it in the right place so switched back to condoms.

A lot of what i'm reading here sounds like a good advert for why it's best to start your sexual life with condoms and for condom sex to be the norm for a man until he's used to it.....cos I can't help thinking that a lot of these men find them genuinely difficult to use (or just don't like them etc) because they're used to the creme de la creme (sex without a condom).

He has ED. It's a common, recognised problem with lots of treatment available as far as i know. That's his problem to sort. You shouldn't have to risk exposure to herpes, HIV etc just because he refuses to take responsiblity for his own health issue.

bettyberry · 27/09/2015 16:10

I can't take it (BC) whatsoever due to migraines, past DVT and the fact It causes me no end of side effects and you are not being unreasonable to get him to wear condoms. A condom isn't going to affect your overall physical health like a pill can. BC can really dampen down sensations I know, because progesterone only pill really did ruin sex for me. I barely felt anything! amongst other horrid side effects inc depression I just couldn't shift.

IF this was a guy I was seeing I'm sorry, Id have to ditch him if he wasn't willing to preserve and try out different brands. There is no way I would go back on any form of hormonal birth control because of my own health and the risks just so he doesn't have to deal with his condom issue.

He (with your help) needs to try all the different kinds of condoms out there. Some are thinner than others, some feel better, ribbed and textured ones, non latex ones feel so so different to latex ( I can't use latex either due to an allergy) Maybe he needs a tighter fitting one trying really hard not to say small or perhaps the ones you are using are too tight? although that wouldn't kill his erection as such. There are condoms with stimulating lubes in etc

I have dated men with this issue in the past. For one man it turned out he had just gotten so used to wanking alone the feel of a condom was totally new and took some getting used to. With the current OH its down to him not having to use condoms with his ex for a good number of years so the whole stopping to slip one on spoilt the moment so to speak and a few times he lost his erection too.

It can be overcome if you are both willing to work on it. The inability to take hormonal birth control cannot though. No matter how much you want to because the risks aren't worth it.

KevinAndMe · 27/09/2015 16:22

Well my DH has the same issue than your bf. It was an issue for me as there was no way I would not use condom wo being sure that neither of us had any problem with STI on any type.
That was the time when getting a test for AIDS meant big issues with getting a morgage so it was a big deal.

We did wait though.

Then after having the dcs, I couldn't cope with any form of contraception. Not hormonal, nor the copper coil. So that was leaving condoms which were still a no -no. He had the snip instead.

I think he has made his situation clear. You can, of course , say NO but it will mean no PIV.
It's up tp you to decide if it's somethng you are happy with or not.

KevinAndMe · 27/09/2015 16:25

I don't agree with ED either. It's very clear that some men find that a real passion killer. Why make it a disease?