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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex AIBU

54 replies

NCNancy · 27/09/2015 14:57

Warning may be TMI!

Started dating a new guy and we have slept together a couple of times. The first time we spent ageeeesss heavy petting etc then loads of oral. We tried having PIVsex but as soon as he put the condom on he lost his errection, tried to restart things but he couldn't get going again. Never happened to me before so I was confused, he reassured me it always happens to him as he has a mental thing about using condoms.

Next time we have sex again, huge build up and loads of oral but then tells me he doesn't wanna hav PIV sex as he is really tired and wants it to be really good, not like last time, doesnt want to dissapoint me etc.

We had a bit of another day and he says he would prefer if we didnt do PIV until we decide to be in a relationship and I use BC so he doesnt have to use the condom. While I am not overly bothered about not having PIV sex (not a huge issue for me for the time being) I can't help thinking he is being unreasonable.

I prefer to use condoms and would ideally never go back on any other kind of BC due to poor experiences in the past with my health.

Any I cant help feel he IB somewhat U. Also is this normal?

OP posts:
XiCi · 27/09/2015 16:29

My guess is that it's nothing to do with condoms and he has erectile dysfunction hence him taking his time to satisfy you orally. I think him saying he doesn't want piv until you're in a relationship is just a way to manage your expectations for your sex life. As others have said I would get sexual health checks for you both before embarking on non condom use if he does have a genuine aversion to using them

GreenPetal94 · 27/09/2015 16:33

You don't really mention whether you like him other than sex? If so its worth pursuing things and finding ways around using male condoms.

SignoraStronza · 27/09/2015 16:41

I don't think he's being massively unreasonable. Why not both have a trip to the GUM clinic for a full m.o.t. before moving onto piv when you're exclusive/committed? Have you exhausted all possible forms of contraception? The diaphragm worked well for me for a while if you're after a non hormonal kind. Or perhaps the coil or even femidom?
Sometimes condoms are a passion killer unfortunately, although appreciate that this
Where there's a will(y) there's a way. Smile

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 17:17

I agree with trian and think He has ED. It's a common, recognised problem with lots of treatment available as far as i know. That's his problem to sort. You shouldn't have to risk exposure to herpes, HIV etc just because he refuses to take responsiblity for his own health issue.

He is not manipulating you into having PIV sex but presumably if you both want to do that you will need to find a safe way to do that. It isn't safe sex if you don't use a successful barrier method. That means it is not safe for either of you. And if he has been having this kind of potentially unsafe sex with others then, as someone else said, this is worrying.

I also agree with bettyberry although I have no real knowledge in this but I can imagine that yes... different kinds of condoms out there. Some are thinner than others, some feel better, ribbed and textured ones, non latex ones feel so so different to latex.

Also erectile dysfunction may be a forerunner of heart problems www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/news/20130129/erectile-dysfunction-may-signal-hidden-heart-disease

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/in-depth/erectile-dysfunction/art-20045141

So my only advice here is please do not make it easier for him to ignore this problem, and please do not put yourself in harms way for this relationship unless you can be very, very sure he will not pass an STD on to you.

Starkswillriseagain · 27/09/2015 17:24

Neither of you are BU. I would be more worried about STDs though since he does have issues with condoms it's very likely that the women he has sex with he uses no barrier protection with- which would make me more concerned about them.

I don't think you should compromise on this unless you really decide that you want too.

And if you do please get both tested and be aware that some STI's won't show up - herpes unless you have an outbreak, other infections need 3 months to be sure.

There are some really thin condoms and for some men just the act of using condoms causes them to lose their erection- it's a case of the mind being a bit of a bastard to the body- while for others it's a purely physical issue.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 27/09/2015 18:08

If you want to carry on seeing him them insist he gets tested for std.
I would tell him you want to see the results letter too.
If he does anything other than book an appointment straight away, get rid of him.

SecretWineBox · 27/09/2015 18:47

Been where you are now.

If you want this to work you need to be patient. Give it time so he becomes more relaxed, find out what really turns him on. Tease him a lot first.

Regarding contraception, if he is happy with not having penetrative sex until you're sure of the relationship, is that a huge problem? Unless you really cannot take the pill, you can then both get tested and move on from there when you're both sure of each other.

Regarding my situation, he's now my DH and now have no problems in that department. There were genuine and quiet sad (not going to be specific - it's very private to him) reasons why there were problems.

There are many forms of contraception. A female condom maybe?

A good partner is worth patience and understanding. It depends on how much you care about this man. Good luck with whatever you decide.

definiteissues · 27/09/2015 18:59

Losing an erection while using a condom doesn't mean ED.
I've been with several men who couldn't keep it up while wearing a condom but had no issue whatsoever when not using one.

I don't think he is being unreasonable. Up to you if it is a deal breaker

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 27/09/2015 19:04

How much do you like him, OP? As a relatively new partner, are you really bothered about making this problem your problem too?

SlowlyGoingINSAINIA · 27/09/2015 19:07

Do the condoms fit him properly?

Senpai · 27/09/2015 19:13

So what? Did I at any point bring that up or say it was a good idea? This is about this particular situation. Why are you turning it into "yeah but WOMEN do this and that's BAD". The OP isn't trying to force him into anything, she's asking for other people's experiences.

What are you going on about? Confused

All I pointed out was that saying he's abstaining from PIV sex until she's on birth control isn't pressuring her to use birth control anymore than saying you refuse to have sex without a condom is pressuring a man to use birth control.

This was in response to this:

"It's all very well for PP to say he isn't pressuring you but he's basically saying "no PIV sex until you're on the pill" which can be it's own kind of pressure if you want PIV sex."

Protected sex is generally a good thing, don't you think?

I would be more worried if he simply wanted to go bare with no alternative forms of birth control.

Branleuse · 27/09/2015 19:57

good point from slowlygoinginsania Reminded me that my dp had problems with condoms but he was ok when we got some XL ones (stealthboast) I know normal sized condoms are supposed to hold 12 bathfuls of water or something, but in reality they dont always fit easily if the penis is larger than average and the faffing around time trying to make it happen just causes stress which then leads to the moment being gone forever

definiteissues · 27/09/2015 20:19

Oh that's true!
One of my exes always had issues with condoms. He was always complaining that he was uncomfortable and they felt too tight. Bought him some XL ones and he was fine with those comfort wise.
I felt awkward buying them though. It felt like I was saying "wahay, everyone look, my partner has a big ding dong" Grin

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 20:31

could he use viagra
he thinks it's fine for you to take pharmaceutical products for the purposes of sex so presumably he'll be happy to pop a pill also?

Fratelli · 27/09/2015 21:21

Femidoms? Shouldn't impact his erection, they won't affect you in terms of hormones etc and they protect against std's. Sounds like the best option imo!

Gruntfuttock · 27/09/2015 21:28

How about a diaphragm plus spermicide? I used that method all my adult life (till the menopause, obviously) and never got pregnant.

BlahBlahUsername · 27/09/2015 22:22

Can I just ask for clarification? When you say 'loads of oral', do you mean for both of you? I hope you're not doing all the work!

And I have to agree, it sounds like it could be sexual dysfunction, which is something couples have to deal with sometimes. It shouldn't have to be something you struggle with right from the off though. Unless he is generous in other ways, and you're happy with that. You shouldn't have to give up your sex life because of his issues.

HelenaDove · 28/09/2015 00:15

The male pill is coming but many men say they wont take it due to health concerns

www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/scientists-hope-to-develop-a-male-pill

BlahBlahUsername · 28/09/2015 00:50

From the article,

"The reasons the men gave for not wanting to take the pill were:

  1. A fear of the long-term repercussions of the male pill - 29%
  1. Women should take responsibility of contraception – 24%
  1. I wouldn’t want the male pill to damage my fertility – 21%
  1. I would forget to take the pill – 13%
  1. It wouldn’t prevent me catching STIs – 9%

It seems that she who carries the baby still carries the responsibility."

Ugh. Interesting that 13% say they'd forget it. I assume they hold their partners to a higher standard.

FishWithABicycle · 28/09/2015 01:09

Wanting you to take pills that might not suit you so that he can have better sex would be a huge red flag for me. I don't think he has your best interests at heart.

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/09/2015 01:11

Meh, dh and I took part in experiments for the "male pill" which was to be on the market in 5 years time. (It's always 5 years, I have no idea why - funding concerns, perhaps?) That was around about, um, 26/7 years ago - it's why there's a 3.8 age gap between our two ds, and why I got a puppy when ds1 was about 2.

DH had a vasectomy after ds2.

(Sorry, this is a bit of a derail - but are you planning dc, Op, and where have you gone?)

Baconyum · 28/09/2015 01:23

"I'd be very worried if he's never used condoms, his sexual health might not be up to scratch. Does he get tested regularly?"

"You shouldn't have to risk exposure to herpes, HIV etc just because he refuses to take responsiblity for his own health issue."

"Some are thinner than others, some feel better, ribbed and textured ones, non latex ones feel so so different to latex."

Sorry I may get flamed but I think he is bu. In this day and age apart from a major anaphylactic allergy to all condoms (extremely rare) there's really no excuse. He could try the multitude of different ones out there plus cock rings, medication, gels etc to help with erection.

Most guys who have this issue it's because they're not used to using them so are more likely to have an sti too.

BrideOfWankenstein · 28/09/2015 02:31

Aren't there rings available to keep it hard..? That and condom could be a solution.
Of course I don't know this for sure, but you can look into it.

HelenaDove · 28/09/2015 02:36

YY Hirples i remember them banging on about a male pill when i was still in my teens (im now 42)

I found the article interesting because the men polled cited the reasons they wouldnt take it yet if women say the same we are made to feel like we are making excuses.

HelenaDove · 28/09/2015 02:37

"Ugh. Interesting that 13% say they'd forget it. I assume they hold their partners to a higher standard"

I bet they do!

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