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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit miffed at friend for asking me to do this?

99 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 26/09/2015 16:53

I have a friend who I've known for years, we don't see each other that much as I moved to a differnt area but still see each other every few months when I go back to visit.

She is out of work at the moment as she has some health issues and doesnt look to be returning to work any time soon.

There have been a few occasions recently where she has asked to borrow money, never big amounts just £20 or £30 here & there, it's always for the same reason (to pay off phone bill/put electric on the meter etc) and I've lent to her a few times because tbh, I feel a bit sorry for her. I have been in that exact same position myself having to beg people for money and it isn't nice and now I'm doing a bit better for myself I don't mind helping her out.

I've probably lent her about £150 in total. She has never given me anything back but I didn't really expect her to even though she always promises she will. I know she is pretty broke so I've never pressured her for the money back and she needs it more than I do so I'm not really that fussed if she doesn't give it back.

However, the other day she asked for money again and I said that unfortunately I couldn't as I was getting paid a week later than I expected and needed the money I was getting to pay rent and other bills. This was true but I was also getting a little bit worried that she was seeing me as a bit of a cash machine.

She then sent a very confusing message which basically asked if I could loan her some money and then report my card as stolen, saying it had been used fraudulently and I would get my money back.

Aibu to be pissed off that she is essentially asking me to risk getting myself in trouble to lend her £30? Plus then I will have no bank card to access my own money until another one is issued? It might not have bothered me so much if she hadn't made a joke about asking for 'another loan I don't have to pay back' (accompanied by the usual lol's and offers to pay me back etc)!

OP posts:

HellKitty · 06/10/2015 17:11

What exactly are you getting out of this friendship?

Branleuse · 06/10/2015 17:17

friendship over

Scobberlotcher · 06/10/2015 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kissmethere · 06/10/2015 17:18

Really don't do anything. She sounds very desperate, as previously said nearly like an addict! She's exausted all her other avenues and wants you to do it for her. Don't put yourself at risk.

Berthatydfil · 06/10/2015 17:21

Message her
Friend I have in the past lent you at least £150 which you have never repaid.
Now you have asked me to lend you more money which I have had to refuse as I am not in a financial position to do so. Rather than respect my decision you have asked me to commit fraud on my bank and a payday loan company on your behalf.
I'm sorry you are in a tight spot but I'm not able to help and I'm finding your refusal to respect my decision unpleasant.
Please do not ask me again to lend you any more money or commit any kind of fraud as I will continue to refuse and your failure to accept this will affect our friendship.
I will write off the amounts I have loaned you previously for the sake of our friendship but I will not get in debt for you.

QueenofallIsee · 06/10/2015 17:25

She is either after drug money, owes money to someone really really dodgy or is completely without morals and any sort of self awareness (I favour the latter as she is so ready to commit fraud and clearly has no pride).

OP, you HAVE to say NO, preferably in such a way as to make it clear that you never will again and disapprove hugely of her attitude toward money. That also removes any awkwardness in your 'friendship' as once she realizes that you will not be used anymore, she will drop you - 100% guaranteed.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 06/10/2015 17:25

block and delete, she is trouble and as someone else said, just what exactly do you get from the 'friendship'? time to move on I think.

OurBlanche · 06/10/2015 17:27

You need to type up that last, self protective text. The one you send to make sure that, whatever she does next, she stops doing it to you. The one that puts the responsibility for her life back in her hands. It reads something like this (expletive included in case you think she may be hard to get through to):

Fuck Off! There is no way I am going to commit fraud for you. Stop asking, it will never happen. As you have obviously never intended to pay back the money you have already borrowed, have it, it is worth the cost to me to never have you contact me again. To be plain: I shall not reply so never contact me again.

Harsh: to be honest, you have got yourself sucked into someone elses drama and are in danger of feeling sorry for her. All she is feeling is pissed off that you won't throw it all down for her. Get rid of her, cut all contact and don't give her another thought.

Softer: she needs to hit rock bottom before she will get her act together. As long as she has people she can turn to she will never have to get control of her life. She has family, let them be her saviours, they know her better than you. Be cruel to be kind, etc.

I don't care which you believe, just protect yourself and cut all contact.

Zucker · 06/10/2015 17:32

Ignore and block her. I wonder if the boyfriend she's madly in love with is bleeding her dry? If that is the case she'll have to hit rock bottom and realise it for herself than have you fund a lifestyle for them.

Original poster

Timeforanamechangey · 06/10/2015 17:45

I suspect her boyfriend could be a major influence on why she is suddenly always broke, not to put all the blame on him. She was never well off or very good with money but it's very different since he came in the picture.

He seemed very unpleasent the only time I met him, I don't like to judge but the day I met him he bragged about nicking someone's bike (that he was riding around on at the time) for no real reason other than he thought it would be a laugh, and helped himself to some drinks I'd brought round. I think he is trouble but I don't think she won't be told.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 06/10/2015 17:45

She's a desperate bitch who will stoop to any level to scam money out of you.

I second a PP who says it must be drugs or alcohol addiction.

Don't feel bad OP, giving her money won't help her at all. It will only do the opposite.

ratspeaker · 06/10/2015 17:46

Id go with something like.
You have never repaid me for previous loans. I cannot afford to give you anymore money. I will not break the law to give you money. Stop asking.

Direct. To the point.
She doesnt care about the trouble you could get into commiting fraud. Or the loan you would have to pay back. Or the hassle of you not having your card or access to your accounts whilst card is replaced.
If you did this once she would keep asking for more, could even say she'd report your previous fraud if you don't do it again.

starlight2007 · 06/10/2015 17:52

She is not your friend..Yes I agree some sort of addiction.. Not your issue whatever it is.

expatinscotland · 06/10/2015 17:59

If you want to remain friends with her, you need to tell her, 'I will not give you any more money at all. Do not ask me for money.'

allnewredfairy · 06/10/2015 18:00

At this stage I would be worried that she might be desperate enough to use your details to fraudulently loan money

whois · 06/10/2015 18:01

You're being totally used. Drop her and protect your details. You don't need a 'friend' like this.

TheoriginalLEM · 06/10/2015 18:03

wow - dump her

Verbena37 · 06/10/2015 18:15

A true friend would not ask you to do that

Lilylonglegs · 06/10/2015 18:20

Why do you keep lending her money if she doesn't pay back the old money? the second time she asked and you didn't get back the first lot you should have spoke up. She obviously thinks you enjoy giving away money. this is just absurd to me. I would be livid. when I had my houseguest from hell ask me how much I was contributing to her abortion, I knew immediately the friendship was going to be over. Some people are so used to using and taking advantage of people they don't recognise that they are doing it.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 06/10/2015 21:04

What a mess. She's either so screwed up that she needs to hit rock bottom before she finally takes responsibility for herself, or she is a cold hearted scam artist trying to hang on to her human cash machine (sorry OP). Or it may be an abusive boyfriend, but again, enabling her will just keep it all going. Cut her off. I bet that once she's sure you won't give her any more money, she'll cut you off.

OurBlanche · 07/10/2015 14:51

Please, don't lay off the blame on the boyfriend. It is in her to use people and be dishonest. We know that from your posts, what you said about her and her mum.

So it isn't the boyfriend, it is how she and her family roll.

Get yourself out from under whilst it won't hurt your bank balance too much.

starlight2007 · 07/10/2015 15:12

I agree with ourBlanche No matter what her bfriend is like she is the one asking you to commit a crime and support her with no plans to repay you...

LagunaBubbles · 07/10/2015 15:26

Why do you want to stay friends with her?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 07/10/2015 15:45

it has gone beyond the point of not wanting to fall out with her.

I'd send ScobberLotcher's text I think. Either be a friend and stop asking me for money or leave me alone. I'm not prepared to commit a crime to fund a 'loan' you won't ever pay back!

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