Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed at friend for asking me to do this?

99 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 26/09/2015 16:53

I have a friend who I've known for years, we don't see each other that much as I moved to a differnt area but still see each other every few months when I go back to visit.

She is out of work at the moment as she has some health issues and doesnt look to be returning to work any time soon.

There have been a few occasions recently where she has asked to borrow money, never big amounts just £20 or £30 here & there, it's always for the same reason (to pay off phone bill/put electric on the meter etc) and I've lent to her a few times because tbh, I feel a bit sorry for her. I have been in that exact same position myself having to beg people for money and it isn't nice and now I'm doing a bit better for myself I don't mind helping her out.

I've probably lent her about £150 in total. She has never given me anything back but I didn't really expect her to even though she always promises she will. I know she is pretty broke so I've never pressured her for the money back and she needs it more than I do so I'm not really that fussed if she doesn't give it back.

However, the other day she asked for money again and I said that unfortunately I couldn't as I was getting paid a week later than I expected and needed the money I was getting to pay rent and other bills. This was true but I was also getting a little bit worried that she was seeing me as a bit of a cash machine.

She then sent a very confusing message which basically asked if I could loan her some money and then report my card as stolen, saying it had been used fraudulently and I would get my money back.

Aibu to be pissed off that she is essentially asking me to risk getting myself in trouble to lend her £30? Plus then I will have no bank card to access my own money until another one is issued? It might not have bothered me so much if she hadn't made a joke about asking for 'another loan I don't have to pay back' (accompanied by the usual lol's and offers to pay me back etc)!

OP posts:
Helpmeoutofthemaze · 27/09/2015 18:22

You are just a cash cow to her. Don't lend her any more money. She probably keeps on asking you because you keep giving her money. I bet everyone else she asks says no.

I'd reply, "sorry hun, can't do that, did you realise it's actually a crime? xx"

Then refuse all further requests. Tbh I wouldn't keep up contact with someone who asked me to commit a crime, particularly one which endangered my job!

SilverOldie2 · 27/09/2015 19:32

That's terrible OP. How could she even think of asking you to do that. I would then cut all further contact as she is not a friend is she..

ChocolateWombat · 27/09/2015 19:39

I think she sounds desperate....but it is still a ridiculous request on her part.

I would reply saying you realise she is really struggling, but this time you just can't afford to help and are definitely not going to commit fraud. Finish by saying that you hope she is able to get the money she needs.

It sounds like you want to still be friends....but at the same time, she needs to realise you can't always bail her out and certainly won't commit criminal acts. Hopefully a clearly worded text will make her realise she shouldn't ask you to commit criminal acts again and might make her think twice about keep asking for money.......but it might not.

OPS probably, at some point you will have to decide if you are prepared to keep giving her money - if so, as long as you are genuinely happy and not pressurised, then that is your choice. If you do feel you do t want to carry on, at some point, you will need to say that gently but clearly. It may well not go down well, but I suspect the day if that conversation is coming.

HortonWho · 27/09/2015 19:44

Why didn't you just reply "Eh?! Where did you get the idea you don't have to repay me the £150 you already owe me?!"

laffymeal · 27/09/2015 19:57

I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

MinecraftWonder · 27/09/2015 20:02

How would you (hypothetically) explain to the bank how the thief got your PIN?

Refunds for ATM fraud are really quite rare and very hard to get - much harder than 'general' card fraud over the internet which is fairly common.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 20:14

Well of course don't commit a crime for her and tell her the idea of you doing so is outrageous.

She sounds like she needs help living within her means or accessing better benefits of finding a job she can manage. If you are a friend to her still, and I would understand if this changed how you felt about her - but if you do want to help her I would say helping her find a way to live within her means would be better.

Her request you break the law is appalling and her joke about borrowing money and not paying it back is awful too. Sadly I think she has come to rely on you being so kind-hearted. She needs to find her way to some helpful advice and assistance, maybe a food bank? And to learn that true friendship is not your friend as an auto teller.

Flomple · 27/09/2015 20:55

"Eff off I'm not going to commit fraud for you" would cover it.

You sound like a lovely friend but enough is enough.

iamanintrovert · 28/09/2015 07:49

She's not your friend, she's a user.

PosterEh · 28/09/2015 08:01

I'd be concerned that her next step would be to steal from you.

shovetheholly · 28/09/2015 08:23

I fear you're not going to see that cash again, OP. She sounds like she is in dire financial straits. Maybe suggest that you go with her to a Citizens' Advice Bureau so she can get some help with debts and her wider financial situation, because something is clearly very wrong. Patching it up with sticking-plaster amounts of £20 or £30 isn't going to solve the underlying issues.

InimitableJeeves · 28/09/2015 08:40

Tell her you need her to start repaying you now. Suggest £20 a month.

WickedWax · 28/09/2015 08:50

You'll never see that 150 quid again and now you've decided to stop being a cashpoint for her i can pretty much guarantee that when she realises she won't get another penny off you she'll drop you like a hot turd.

You are too nice and well rid of her.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 28/09/2015 22:20

I'd like to see her try poster, I live a very long way away from her!

Going with her to the CAB isn't really doable either due to the distnace but tbh I suspect she isn't really interested in learning how to live within her means. It's frustrating because while I've been in her position being reliant on benefits before and I know it's not an easy or fun way to live, she doesn't really help herself. Her boyfriend lives with her and he doesn't work either except for nicking stuff occasionally so that doesn't help that she's trying to support two people but I have gotten a bit fed up with her.

I am studying a degree full time and working and cut corners a lot to make sure I have enough money to live on (no sky TV etc) and I don't mean to sound bitchy or benefit bash-y but it does annoy me that she hasn't worked in years, doesn't have kids and basically just sits around all day not really doing anything, borrowing money from me when she gets a bit short and knowing that she won't ever pay me back and joking about it!

I don't want to fall out with her over this but her attitude has wound me up and I absolutely will not lend her anymore money or jeopardise my own life and career by commiting a crime so she have £20 extra for free.

OP posts:
Unreasonablebetty · 28/09/2015 22:55

Not to hijack the thread, but since when do friends feel it's ok to borrow money off each other and never give it back?
For a long time I was the poorest out of my friendship group (whilst in my teens, most were middle 20s+ and we were all in different places) and we got ourselves into some pretty dire situations (thankfully, long ago and the only times we've had nothing, was when dh lost his business in 2012)
But what I'm getting at is, all my friends own multiple houses, generally have good careers, and have whatever they need and then some.
Not once have I ever asked them to borrow a penny, sure we take it in turns to pay for coffee, but when do people get to the point that they say let me borrow some money?
Is personally hate to be beholden to anyone, but that's also why I try to live without credit etc.

But no to me, the fact she borrows money and doesn't give it back is out of order, and asking you to break the law by trying to defraud the bank? Well I wouldn't consider her a friend if I were you...

Why doesn't she do it off her own account? If she has children she must get child tax/ child benefit, so the initial sum of money would be there for her to spend then declare as a fraudulent purchase if she truly thinks it's a good idea.
I would quite literally be fuming at the audacity of her asking you to do such a thing with the kind of trouble you could be left in if you did it.

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 29/09/2015 21:59

She doesn't have children, although apparently she and her boyfriend are trying which I think is a terrible idea personally but that's a whole other thread!

The whole idea makes no sense at all, she wanted me to transfer the money into her bank account so no idea what she was trying to acheive really?

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 06/10/2015 16:38

Well, she's at it again!

She asked me earlier this week if I could lend her money, I said no.

Yesterday she asked me again, saying could I get a payday loan, split the money with her, then cancel my card so I don't have to pay it back.

Apparently she's already done it once but they won't give her another one for the same address wonder why and because I'm working and she isn't I'm more likely to be accepted.

So she wants me to take out a loan which we both know I won't be able to afford to pay back, give her half the money, then destroy my already paltry credit score by cancelling my card and refusing to pay it back! And apparently this does not strike her as a bad thing to do?!

I said I wouldn't. Then I got another message late at night giving me a sob story about her mum being ill and needing to get a taxi so could I please lend her money etc etc. I just didn't respond. Am I being a heartless bitch or just waking up to the truth?

OP posts:
Forestdreams · 06/10/2015 16:50

You know the answer to that one OP. If she gave a toss about you, she wouldn't ask you to commit fraud for her. Not to mention wrecking your credit rating for a measly few quid for her.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2015 16:52

She sounds awful, no friend to you. I would delete and block her number. Delete and block on Facebook.

sonjadog · 06/10/2015 16:52

Seriously, don't give her a penny more. Don't engage. She will find someone else to leech off.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2015 16:56

She has no intention of paying you back, and wants to put yourself at risk, nice friend!

fuzzpig · 06/10/2015 17:00

Crikey Shock

AskingForAPal · 06/10/2015 17:01

Jesus H Christ. I BET she's on drugs. Or an alcoholic. I don't know anyone who's not totally dependent on a substance of some kind who has totally flushed away their morals about their friends like this.

Only alternative is her boyfriend is forcing her to beg off her friends. Do you think that's likely?

Either way don't give her any more (as you know) and maybe try to have a chat with her over the phone to find out what else is going on.

BoffinMum · 06/10/2015 17:03

Drugs.
Run for the hills.

Lindy2 · 06/10/2015 17:07

Don't do it.
Her actions are not those of a real friend.
You are being used.
Cut contact and chalk it up to experience.