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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To post on DDs Instagram?

82 replies

exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 12:52

(Or rather WIBU as I haven't done it yet)

Salient points:

DD is 10
She doesn't have a phone.
She has an Instagram account on my phone with her classmates plus a few others on it - she doesn't have that many 'followers'
She suffered some low level bullying last year.
She cares very much what her friends think of her.

DD is out for the day with a friend, I won't see her until tomorrow. It was an off the cuff trip suggested by friends mum.

The notifications on DDs Instagram have been going bonkers this morning. I've finally stopped and looked. Another friend has DM'd her a number of times, getting upset that DD hasn't replied and asking if she's ignoring her. She's then taken to Instagram 'proper' and has posted lots of 'woe is me, she calls herself a friend and then blanks me, I hate my life/have no friends' posts that everyone can see.

She's aimed them at DD and they have got progressively nastier.

DDs other friends have posted and have now joined in with the 'how horrible of her' stuff.

WIBU to post on there "Hi this is DDs mum and I can see all your messages. DD is out for the day and doesn't have a phone or access to Instagram. She isn't ignoring you and you are being a drama queen over nothing once again

Because I don't think DD is will like me getting involved, but I know she's going to be gutted when she sees all this Sad

OP posts:
diddl · 26/09/2015 15:07

Jeez, what shitarse bring lives these 10(!)yr olds must lead that they've nothing to do but whine when someone doesn't instantly respond to a message!

Next time that she'll be offline for a while, tell her to leave a message before she goes out.

TBH I'd be tempted to scrap the whole thing with her if she only has limited access anyway.

diddl · 26/09/2015 15:08

oops! bring=boring!

TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 15:19

Really? None of the ten/eleven year old at our local school use it, or Facebook/twitter. We must be behind in the times in this village! I don't like it because it's a very adult thing to be doing at such a young age, can be self esteem battering and is terrible for bullying/arguments/jealousy. And this bloody awful duck faced selfie like Kylie Jenner thing!

Frequency · 26/09/2015 15:33

Oh yes the duckfaces are awful.

One of Dc1's friends always posts duckface pics, with really wide eyes, cue 101 people she barely knows telling her how beautiful she is, which she is, but in those pictures she looks nothing like her usual, gorgeous self. She looks like a frightened cartoon duck.

I talk to DC1 a lot about social media and trolling and the impression she gives off online. She doesn't post duckface pics or "rate me" things, she's not allowed to and wouldn't want to, but a lot of her friends do, which I find sad.

I use it as an opportunity to chat with her about why the girls are doing things like this and why they feel it is important to be accepted for the way they look instead of their personality and other achievements and whether she thinks their looks will help them succeed in life more than their sporting or academic success. She tells me I take Instagram way too seriously and they are just messing about and take no notice of the trolling comments anyway. She doesn't do it because she thinks it's attention seeking.

Groovee · 26/09/2015 15:53

I had posted a photo of dd and all her friends on her birthday. Dd had then tagged her friends in it and an older girl posted "bunch of ugly cunts" on it.

I responded with excuse me but you are 14, that type of comment and language are unacceptable in the real world! Please remove it from my photo! She removed it and apologised but must have moaned to her carers as one asked me at work what had happened and was mortified.

Original poster
exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 15:57

There are 25 kids in DDs class. Looking at her friends list only 3 are missing from the lineup (boys and girls). I only caved this summer but DD has been asking for it for at least a year. I really didn't want her on there, but I'm not sorry I relented, it has actually meant she has reached out further than the 4 friends (including MessageFriend) that made her life hell for some weeks at the end of Yr5. The girl she is out with today wasn't even on DDs radar (so to speak) before they started messaging in the evenings.

DDs account is mainly 'tag your friends' stuff, cute animal pics, pics of herself sad/happy/with her dog and photos fron days out (GoApe, Snowboarding, Funfairs etc).

Some of her friends are worrying - the 9 year old posting 'rate me' photos and the classmate with over 500 followers, but to be fair DD is pretty good with it all (probably because she knows I check)

No backlash as yet and one DM apology. So hopefully it's all over. MessageFriend is suspiciously absent after being on there constantly from about 11am.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 16:04

Frequency, it sounds like your daughter is level headed and that you keep well involved in her online activities and have spoken with her at length about safety etc which is great. A lot of parents are not that involved or educated about Instagram though and it can be a bloody nightmare if your child is vulnerable, naive, sensitive or prone to falling to peer pressure. My niece is at secondary school and there have been several instances of nudity/inappropriate photographs being posted by girls, mainly to look "sexy" for boys sadly. I don't think children can gauge just how damaging social networking can be. Of course, loads of children will use it with no ill effects and plenty of fun, but it's such a minefield. I actually thought that Instagram wasn't available for under 13s anyway?

TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 16:05

The rare me stuff is just horrifying, I agree.

TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 16:06

*rate

landrover · 26/09/2015 16:33

Sooooo, how old do you have to be to go on instagram?

giraffesCantDoThat · 26/09/2015 16:35

Bloody hell

HSMMaCM · 26/09/2015 16:40

I shared DD's Facebook when she started secondary school. A horrible bullying thread started and I just posted (as myself) 'Would you like me to share this with Mr Headmaster' and it all stopped. I blocked the worst ones.

Original poster
exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 16:43

I don't know landrover, DD took over my account (that I created about 2 years ago and then rarely used). It's probably the same as FB, so about 14?

OP posts:
Frequency · 26/09/2015 16:50

TheWitTank, I agree that some children are not properly supervised on social media and that some are too sensitive to be using it, but the collective MN pearl clutching over youngsters being allowed on social media is unnecessary and often done to put the OP down/make out that they are better parents for not allowing it.

EveDallas is clearly supervising her daughter on Instagram or she wouldn't have known what was going on.

There is no reason to believe that Instagram, in this instance is damaging or endangering the child or that OP is not a responsible parent for allowing her to be on there.

Lots of underage children use it. Some of DC1's friends set theirs up in secret. Once they have access to phones/friend's computers or phones all you can do is educate and keep communication open and hope that your child will come to you and allow to monitor/help them online instead of hiding it away from you.

It can have some plus points, along withe possible negative, which can be limited with supervision anyway.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 26/09/2015 17:01

I would post publicly rather than private message. Just calm and breezy. Although I sympathise with wanting to tell them off, DD won't thank you for it. Warn DD before she finds them and gets upset, point out that she's been having a lovely day out and they've all been so bored that they've started acting bitchy. If she's worried, suggest that next time she can post s message before her day out to say she won't be online (this is ridiculous to us as adults, but so are ten year olds... I say this with affection). Let her catch up with her friends but don't let her spend all night trying to get back in their good books. There's more to life than social media!

TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 17:16

Just checked, Instagram age is 13. Not pearl clutching in the slightest, it's just not something that I wouldnt let my ten year old do. I'm sure there are things about my parenting that people wouldn't agree with either! It doesn't mean that I'm right, or that I think the op is a poor parent (far from it) just that I disagree with social media for small children. The fact that it's not recommended for under 13s makes me think it won't be suitable for my 10 year old so she won't use it until she is over 13 -if she wants it. I'm not anti social media, i use it myself personally and professinally. I just have heard a LOT of horror stories relating to bullying, inappropriate content and peer pressure to do things the user might not be comfortable with and my ten year old is fairly naive and still very much ten. I did point out that I thought your monitoring was great and I didn't put down the op at any point.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2015 17:21

The age is 13, due to laws on storing information belonging to children under that age.

FloppyRagdoll · 26/09/2015 17:34

Yes, Worra, re: the data storage laws; but there are other good reasons, too.

I like this article:

www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-graber/3-reasons-why-social-media-age-restrictions-matter_b_5935924.html

liquoricetwirl · 26/09/2015 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IllyrianSky · 26/09/2015 17:42

Op did you post anything in the end??

Gruntfuttock · 26/09/2015 17:44

IllyrianSky See post @ Sat 26-Sep-15 14:46:29

Original poster
exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 17:45

I did, see my post at 14:46 Smile

OP posts:
JessicaTreuhaft · 26/09/2015 20:05

I am almost afraid to ask but what is the 'rate me' stuff about?

QueenArnica · 26/09/2015 21:05

Sorry sticking my neck out here but this is exactly why kids of this age should not have social media accounts. You have to be 13 minimum for both Facebook and Instagram.

ReginaBlitz · 26/09/2015 21:12

The thing is if all their friends have it they want it, tbh my ds doesn't use it as much now and he didn't realise by following me that I can see absolutely everything!.