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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To post on DDs Instagram?

82 replies

exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 12:52

(Or rather WIBU as I haven't done it yet)

Salient points:

DD is 10
She doesn't have a phone.
She has an Instagram account on my phone with her classmates plus a few others on it - she doesn't have that many 'followers'
She suffered some low level bullying last year.
She cares very much what her friends think of her.

DD is out for the day with a friend, I won't see her until tomorrow. It was an off the cuff trip suggested by friends mum.

The notifications on DDs Instagram have been going bonkers this morning. I've finally stopped and looked. Another friend has DM'd her a number of times, getting upset that DD hasn't replied and asking if she's ignoring her. She's then taken to Instagram 'proper' and has posted lots of 'woe is me, she calls herself a friend and then blanks me, I hate my life/have no friends' posts that everyone can see.

She's aimed them at DD and they have got progressively nastier.

DDs other friends have posted and have now joined in with the 'how horrible of her' stuff.

WIBU to post on there "Hi this is DDs mum and I can see all your messages. DD is out for the day and doesn't have a phone or access to Instagram. She isn't ignoring you and you are being a drama queen over nothing once again

Because I don't think DD is will like me getting involved, but I know she's going to be gutted when she sees all this Sad

OP posts:
RainbowRoses · 26/09/2015 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 26/09/2015 13:23

Yeah I'd definitely reply saying she is out without her mob and won't have seen any messages so isn't ignoring anyone.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2015 13:23

'Ladies'?

Oh please god no.

They're 10 year old children Grin

TenForward82 · 26/09/2015 13:23

None of this "Hi ladies, mrs dallas here" - that's embarassing phrasing for a 10 yo. I think your initial phrasing is fine, OP, and do it publicly.

MouldyPeach · 26/09/2015 13:26

I think I'd still send a private message as it would most likely make the girl in question feel a bit silly and not say anything to her friends. A public message is just adding to the 'drama' however polite and factual it is. IMO.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2015 13:27

Yes definitely publicly, to stop the others getting involved.

Sidge · 26/09/2015 13:27

I would. She's only 10, not an older teen and any embarrassment should be overshadowed by the knowledge that her mum stuck up for her.

I'd keep it neutral and short and make it clear that it's you posting and not your DD.

Some years ago I finally intervened in a FB thread that DD1 got caught up in that got really nasty and personal. She was about 13 or 14 I think and whilst I didn't want to fight her battles for her, she was grateful I'd done it. I think as a mum we sometimes have to "be the adult" to nip unpleasant behaviours in the bud.

TenForward82 · 26/09/2015 13:31

Yes, Peach, the girl will feel silly so won't correct all the others who were piling on the bandwagon, and will pretend she never saw the message.

PressTheAButton · 26/09/2015 13:35

I would have posted without thinking about it. Grin. It no biggie.

I hope OP has done it already.

Youarentkiddingme · 26/09/2015 13:35

Id post as DD.

"Hi, having a fab day out at x place not paid any attention to phone. I'll be home at about y time and I'll Instagram you then as you're obviously desperate to talk to me. Have a good day x"

My friend did similar for her DD in a similar situation. Her DD has become very popular and there's almost a competition between other children about who she'll acknowledge! Her DD is a delight and therefore usually out and about somewhere with someone and is right to devote her time to the all life and not the followers on Instagram.

Scarydinosaurs · 26/09/2015 13:41

If you work at the school I'd be less inclined to post. Just leave it, it is nasty but I'd be more inclined to call the girl's dad.

Original poster
exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 13:44

Ooh KiddingMe, that is V tempting.

Lots more have come up, so am definately going to post. Little cows.

OP posts:
Frequency · 26/09/2015 13:48

I answer my dd's social media messages if she's out without a phone. She's a bit older and it's never upset her or her friends.

I usually just post "X is out at she'll back at " or "She's left her phone at home, try texting her dad/nana/dog she's with them"

Youarentkiddingme · 26/09/2015 13:49

Do it Dallas !

My friend and I spent about 20 minutes of valuable coffee and cake time coming up with that message! Made her DD look extremely popular (she wasn't particularly at that point) and made all those chasing her look desperate. It's amazing how children that age suddenly flock to the child who appears to have a life!

Unless the original message was to say her friend was stuck down a mineshaft and needed rescuing there's really no need for an immediate reply.

liquoricetwirl · 26/09/2015 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/09/2015 14:01

Oooh Eve do what youarentkiddingme said!

DD1 (12) is here next to me on the sofa and even she deigned to admit that that was cool.

balletgirlmum · 26/09/2015 14:05

I created an Instagram account just so I could nip something in the bud (Dd was 12 at the time)
I'm the same as you OP. DD is nearly 14 now but I have her instagram & facebook on my phone & I often log I as her to check things.

I would definatly post in the third person.

Gruntfuttock · 26/09/2015 14:10

I wouldn't confuse matters by posting as your DD, as in "I'm out etc." Definitely "DD's name is out etc.

Muskey · 26/09/2015 14:14

I have just asked dd who is also 12 if she would mind if I responded to a question like that and she said she would be really annoyed

Having said that dd got into a situation like this where she had said something inappropriate (although she did apologise straight away to the dc she said it to) on instant messaging and all the other little darlings jumped on the band wagon to make her feel more like shit than she already did including an elder sister of one of the dc(who came across as a bully). I choose not to intervene using social media but I did speak to the ring leaders parents showing them what had been said by everyone involved. Since then the conversations are a lot more light hearted.

Original poster
exLtEveDallas · 26/09/2015 14:46

Well that escalated quickly.

I posted after MessageFriend said that DD was "always ignoring her and blaming it on everyone else" (Last years bullying was DD being excluded by this gang of girls, and was dealt with pretty well by the school)

I wrote "Hi this is MrsDallas. DD has been out all day with X and they haven't seen any of these messages. They will be home tomorrow if you want to speak to them"
(X is also friends with all of them)

However, friends (usually v quiet and lovely) 14 year old sister then posted a pretty foul mouthed rant aimed MessageFriend and her 'stirring' ending it with a threat if anyone was horrible to DD or X.

So. The thread is still there at the moment but I don't think it will last long. Lots of backtracking already.

OP posts:
Squishyeyeballs · 26/09/2015 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frequency · 26/09/2015 14:54

I see all of dd's social media. She has some of dc2's friends, they seem to be the most dramatic between the ages of 10 and 12.

Dc1 is 13 and the drama seems to be calming down a bit now, among her friends, they mainly post pictures or make up and kittens these days, but dc2's friends have some right scraps over the tiniest of things. Dc2 doesn't have Instagram, so cannot join in. She does sometimes post from Dc1's account, but she's not allowed to join in with the fighting.

I think it's because they still haven't figured out the nuances of social media and text speak at that age. It's very new, exciting and a bit confusing to them.

TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 15:00

Instagram at 10 Shock. My daughter is the same age and there is no way in hell I would let her be on that site at her age (thankfully she doesn't want to and is more interested in horse riding and books!). It's a bitch fest, bragging, bullies dream. I know you have it on your phone but still, is it really necessary at 10?
Anyway, it's done now. I imagine the fallout will be spectacular and drama filled in only the way pre-teen and teenage girls can make it now the 14 year old has chipped in. I wouldn't add anything else and would be truthful with your dd when she gets home.

GreatFuckability · 26/09/2015 15:02

I would and have posted on my dds instagram when things have kicked off.

Frequency · 26/09/2015 15:05

I think it's fairly common in RL for them to have Instagram etc at 10.

DC2 doesn't have any yet, but only because she does not yet have a platform to use them on.

She has Skype on her laptop, but no Instagram. I would say about 99% of her friends follow DC1 on Instagram and regularly send DC1 messages asking about DC2.

Fortunately the drama blows over as quickly as it starts, 10yo girls are fickle wee things.