Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We need to talk about nursing homes

102 replies

Abookaday · 26/09/2015 11:49

Had lunch a couple of days ago with a group of female friends and a discussion commenced about maybe requiring nursing home care when we were old.

Comments were made by my friends that they would die before they entered a nursing home. One stated she would haunt her children If they moved her into a nursing home

I asked around and none had made the financial means to have 24 hour. carers. No one had actually had a frank discussion with their daughters ( it always seems women end up doing the brunt of caring for elderly relatives) about them ceasing work/commitments to provide full time care when/if the time came.

I adore my parents but the reality is that I need to work to pay the bills as my DP's work is unstable and whilst I would prefer not to put my parents in a nurisng home, if they in the future required 24 hour care it would be the only option. I think many women now have huge financial responsiblities and child care responsibilities and would have similar situation. I have told my DD she is only to make the best decision she can in relation to any long term care I may need(in the very distance future hopefully)

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to end up in a nursing home but then have a responsiblity to at least have a conversation with your kids about your expectations. You also can't guilt your children into becoming full time carers as most of us have no choice but to work to pay the bills

OP posts:
KatieLatie · 26/09/2015 11:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 26/09/2015 11:59

My mum is in a nursing home. It's pretty good, the staff care and there is a range of activities. They look after her individual needs well. We looked at lots when it became clear she needed nursing care, and found a couple which we were happy with. The quality seems to vary a lot, and from all I hear DM is fortunate to live up north where you get more for your money. She said she didn't put all that effort into supporting us through school and university to see one of us give it up to be a full time carer.

sproketmx · 26/09/2015 12:00

Way I was raised you don't do that to family. Family sticks together no matter what. I did it for mine but I wouldn't want that to fall to my eldest lass and have told her I want putting down if I can't look after myself. Hubby's the same

kirsty1988 · 26/09/2015 12:01

I totally agree with you here OP.
I've had the same discussion with my DP regarding our children. It took hours of arguing for him to see my POV. He was insistent that our boys should morally care for us in our final days. I however feel that I could never ask either of them to. I want my children to have happy full lives. Not be lumbered with their ailing parents as they age Blush .

bilbodog · 26/09/2015 12:05

I think it makes a difference if you have experienced care being given at home. My mother looked after both her father in law and her own mother and I saw the downside of how this affected her life. My dad was working and back in the 70/80's it was all women's work. She always said to me and my sister that we were to put her in a home if she needed care because she understood how hard it can be. In the end she died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage and we didn't need to make that decision. However we were left with my father who was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. All he wanted to do on mothers death was move in with my sister who had 2 under 5's and was expecting no. 3. My dad had always been looked after all his life and didn't think in any other way. We moved him close to my sister but within 18 months he had to go in a home. Luckily for us he was happy to go along with anything we organised for him and it was the right thing to do. I have already told my kids that once someone is unable to take care of themselves either physically or mentally that they should put me in a home - and my dh agrees the same for him. Sorry this is long........

TeenAndTween · 26/09/2015 12:12

My DFIL was in a nursing home for 2 years or so. He had alzheimers and bowel cancer and couldn't be cared for by DMIL and there was no room for live in carers.

My DGM had live in care for her last 2 years or so. It cost about the same as the nursing home, but of course on top of that were all the costs of running a house.

In both situations relatives visited regularly (in fact my mum used to visit DGM practically every day) but did not stop their whole lives to provide 24hr care themselves.

Professional carers aren't so emotionally involved, so in some ways can provide better care and some/many people may prefer intimate care to not be provided by son/daughter. Also they get proper breaks away which, when dealing with elderly/confused/needy people, is essential imo.

DF says to push him down the stairs if he becomes incapable.

I think voluntary euthanasia should be legal.

Fratelli · 26/09/2015 12:12

I'm a carer and I have to say I wouldn't want family to do personal care for me. It's not about families sticking together. It's more the fact that more women work now and are unable to do it and people are living longer. Just research the care homes and visit often. At least in a home there is a social life which I believe adds to a person's quality of life.

VimFuego101 · 26/09/2015 12:13

I agree with bilbodog. I will be making it crystal clear to DS that I don't want to be a burden to him and am fine with being in a home. Luckily in the country I live in you can buy insurance policies to cover the cost of this at a fairly reasonable price.

drudgetrudy · 26/09/2015 12:15

I think it is extremely selfish to say that you would haunt your children if they put you in a nursing home.

My mother is 95 and had to go into a nursing home at the age of 92.

She had required very high levels of support from both myself and my brother since my father died when she was 82. Even before that we were giving a lot of support.
My brother was visiting every day and doing her shopping. Carers were getting her up in the morning. I made a lot of arrangements with social services to keep her at home.
Every holiday I had from work was spent staying with her so my DB could go on holiday. I travelled to stay with her every third weekend and had her to stay for a week every 6 weeks or so.I could never go on holiday.

Now she is deaf, cannot stand. cannot feed herself and is very confused. She has to be turned in bed and be lifted on a hoist.
My brother's marriage was cracking under the strain.
We are all in our 60s now and both my husband and brother have health problems.

My mother can't help this situation and I do feel guilty but what else could we do?

Sometimes my Mum would say "I don't want strangers-I only want my own family.
I really hope that I don't live as long with such poor health but if I do-Nursing home it is.
Most people do not want to be a worry to their children.
I still visit almost every day to keep an eye on things-it isn't like dumping someone.

dementedma · 26/09/2015 12:19

drudge I sympathise. My father has a Alzheimer's and is in care.

Muckogy · 26/09/2015 12:26

drudge i agree with every word you say.
its very hard isn't it?

hiddenhome2 · 26/09/2015 12:55

I've worked in nursing homes almost my entire adult life. I definitely wouldn't want to go into one, but I don't want the dcs to look after me either.

I'm currently saving up to go to Dignitas and if that's outlawed in the future I'll have to commit suicide by myself.

They really need to legalise assisted suicide in this country. People need a choice.

PollysHoliday · 26/09/2015 12:55

Two of my elderly relatives have been in residential care. They lived in completely different parts of the country to each other.

I was impressed by both homes. I did prefer one to the other but that was largely because one was brand new. Both relatives were visited regularly by different members of the family and the level of care provided in both seemed really good.

Both homes had morning and afternoon activities, hair dressers and trips out. And, most importantly, company, if it was wanted.

Obviously the homes were warm, clean, food, drink, tea and biscuits were all provided.

At home one of the relatives in particular was cold, lonely and her home was filthy because she was unable to look after it and she barely ate or drank. Her children did their best but her life infinitely improved when she moved into the care home.

So based on my limited experience I very much intend to head down the sheltered housing / residential care avenue when my time comes. I don't want to be a burden to my DC. I want them to live their lives. I want spending time with them to be a pleasure not a burden.

sproketmx · 26/09/2015 13:36

Same hidden home. Except il never afford dignitaries and I'd rather be in my own home the way my mine went. Luckily I don't live in a naice area so finding a smack dealer isn't that hard

Pandora978 · 26/09/2015 13:52

My grandmother wasn't in a nursing home - not ill enough to require nursing care but not well enough to look after herself at home. She needed 24/7 care but there's no way we could have provided that (I was still a child at the time, parents both worked etc.) so she went into an old people's home in her mid-80s. She lived there for over 10 years until her death so I think that shows they did a pretty good job of looking after her. There's no way we could have done that for 10 years though. That's way too much to ask of someone IMO.

Obviously, the quality can vary massively but there are nice homes out there. It's not the workhouse! My grandmother was a very sociable person, so being around lots of people was good for her and she made friends. One of them sat with her when she was dying which made me cry when I heard about it and sent her a lovely wreath for her funeral with a card saying she missed her. We visited her 3 times a week and there were always activities going on, e.g. they played games, had a library go round, they had a nice garden they could sit in. It had a very homely atmosphere. It does mean that we had to sell her house to pay for the fees but it's what had to be done.

If someone is bad enough to require nursing care, wouldn't they rather have someone who's properly qualified looking after them? I wouldn't want a child of mine to have to change my catheter bag or whatever needed doing. My grandmother came round ours for dinner once a week and sometimes she had bowel issues - she absolutely hated my mum having to wipe her bum for her. Hated it. I do think it's selfish to expect your children to give up their lives to care for you for years, especially with conditions like dementia. That is really hard work, and they'd have to give up their job and live off some paltry carer's allowance. If they want to do it or someone's got a very short time left then fair enough but to expect someone to do it is very unfair. I do know a lot of people worry about their children losing their inheritance through selling the house to pay for fees though and it does seem unfair.

I had two male (unmarried and childless) relatives look after their mothers full-time and their lives were very sad. They had no lives of their own and when their mothers died they both fell apart a bit. One died fairly young and the other committed suicide. Horror stories I know but my parents are determined not to put that kind of burden on my sister and I. They're only in their 60s but we've talked about this a lot because of our experience with my grandmother. I agree with you that it is mostly women who are expected to care for elderly relatives. I think in my relatives' case, all of their siblings were married and/or had children so it was regarded as their duty.

ReadtheSmallPrint · 26/09/2015 14:00

I think it's very easy to say what you're going to do when you're not actually in the position IYSWIM.

In their early fifties, my parents wrote an 'old person's charter' based on all the things theiy disliked about the attitudes and behaviour of their parents. It included all sorts of well-meaning promises about not moaning about minor aches and pains, not getting stuck in a routine and not harping back to the good old days. Now in their early seventies they have broken virtually all of them. My sisters and I laugh about it regulary.

Mum, in particular, still makes comments such as 'we'll give you an envelope full of pills and you'll know when to give them to us' and 'send us to dignitas'. She also says 'please tell me if I'm becoming a pain in the bum' but, like the charter, it just doesn't seem worth the angst it will cause. Mum is going deaf (noticeably) but really can't accept it. She thinks my sisters and I just have very acute hearing as we're all VI, but she is just REALLY DEAF.

ReadtheSmallPrint · 26/09/2015 14:00

I think it's very easy to say what you're going to do when you're not actually in the position IYSWIM.

In their early fifties, my parents wrote an 'old person's charter' based on all the things theiy disliked about the attitudes and behaviour of their parents. It included all sorts of well-meaning promises about not moaning about minor aches and pains, not getting stuck in a routine and not harping back to the good old days. Now in their early seventies they have broken virtually all of them. My sisters and I laugh about it regulary.

Mum, in particular, still makes comments such as 'we'll give you an envelope full of pills and you'll know when to give them to us' and 'send us to dignitas'. She also says 'please tell me if I'm becoming a pain in the bum' but, like the charter, it just doesn't seem worth the angst it will cause. Mum is going deaf (noticeably) but really can't accept it. She thinks my sisters and I just have very acute hearing as we're all VI, but she is just REALLY DEAF.

ReadtheSmallPrint · 26/09/2015 14:02

Why did that post without me pressing anything?

Anyway, what I was going to finish with was that my sisters and I will probably end up having to make a decision about my parents' futures with or without their cooperation and despite their current intentions. It just seems to be the nature of things.

StormyBlue · 26/09/2015 14:02

My mum was a carer for my grandad and worked very hard so that he wouldn't have to go into a home. It was very hard for her when he died because she had become very isolated, her world revolved around him. I wouldn't like to think of my son having to give all of his social and leisure time for me, so wouldn't begrudge him putting me in a home but I hope he would visit regularly.

She was also from the baby boomer generation so could live comfortably on just my dad's income, I don't think it would be possible for a lot of people today.

ReadtheSmallPrint · 26/09/2015 14:02

... and it posted twice!

mollie123 · 26/09/2015 14:03

apparently (correct me if I am wrong) only about 1 in 9 elderly need to be in a nursinghome and then only for an average of about 2 years
my feeling is (being within sniffing distance of 70 and still independent) that barring dementia/alzheimers or real physical disability many older people will manage quite well in sheltered accomodation with help at hand either from family or resident help
if I get to the point of needing more than this, I will spend all my savings/sell my house and pay for the best care home I can find. I am always appalled at the opinion that the assets of a loved parent should be ring-fenced for inheritance so that the taxpayer can pay (and give no choice to the type of care home)

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 26/09/2015 14:12

bilbo is right about actually having experience of looking after elderly relatives having an impact on your outlook.

If you have done it yourself you know what it is to ask someone to do the same for you (or at least it gives you an idea).

Deathtomoonsand · 26/09/2015 14:34

hidden, instead of saving up you could always just put it on the credit card Grin

hiddenhome2 · 26/09/2015 14:38

That's not a bad idea actually death Grin

badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 14:41

I am 33.

I hope, by the time I am in my 70s/80s/90s (if I live that long) that euthanasia will be legal in this country and if it is I will opt for that.

If not I will gift my home and any other assets to my children and hope we will manage as best we can.

I don't want their inheritance to pay my nursing home fees but nor do I want to impede their lives in any way.