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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We need to talk about nursing homes

102 replies

Abookaday · 26/09/2015 11:49

Had lunch a couple of days ago with a group of female friends and a discussion commenced about maybe requiring nursing home care when we were old.

Comments were made by my friends that they would die before they entered a nursing home. One stated she would haunt her children If they moved her into a nursing home

I asked around and none had made the financial means to have 24 hour. carers. No one had actually had a frank discussion with their daughters ( it always seems women end up doing the brunt of caring for elderly relatives) about them ceasing work/commitments to provide full time care when/if the time came.

I adore my parents but the reality is that I need to work to pay the bills as my DP's work is unstable and whilst I would prefer not to put my parents in a nurisng home, if they in the future required 24 hour care it would be the only option. I think many women now have huge financial responsiblities and child care responsibilities and would have similar situation. I have told my DD she is only to make the best decision she can in relation to any long term care I may need(in the very distance future hopefully)

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to end up in a nursing home but then have a responsiblity to at least have a conversation with your kids about your expectations. You also can't guilt your children into becoming full time carers as most of us have no choice but to work to pay the bills

OP posts:

miaowroar · 26/09/2015 14:45

I would far rather be in a nursing home than rely on my family - but what about the costs? I have never been aware of insurance for this sort of thing and now, aged 60, it would be too late.

My parents are both in their 80s and manage very well in their own home for the time being, but their health is failing. I would not object to moving in with one of them if they were alone - but if they need nursing etc then it would be much more difficult.

I suppose I resent the thought of having to sell my house which will have taken me a lifetime to own in order to pay for care and have nothing left to leave for my children.

Ludoole · 26/09/2015 14:52

Im 39 and currently helping my dm to care for my df who has late stage alzheimers. If i have any signs/suspicions of early onset alzheimers, i have told my sons i wont be around any more.... Im all prepared to take my own life.
My sons will NOT be put in the position of seeing me like they have to see their grandad either at home or in a nursing home.

bookworm3 · 26/09/2015 14:53

It is difficult to know that you won't be able to pass on anything financially to your children but I don't think money would compensate for losing years of freedom.

Its a shame that some people lose everything because they have an extended period of ill health and those who die suddenly don't.

mollie123 · 26/09/2015 15:07

I don't want their inheritance to pay my nursing home fees but nor do I want to impede their lives in any way.
this ^^ is what I mean - the good old taxpayer pays when you have the means to do so . I think you will change your mind when you see some of the nursing/care homes that you don't have a choice over. but maybe a miracle will happen and in 50 years time there will be so many taxpayers and everyone will be so rich they will pay for all your wants.
give the money to your children when they need it before you get to 70/80 and use anything left over to pay your own way.

CPtart · 26/09/2015 15:19

My mum has spent the last 2 years running round after my grandparents. Grandfather now sadly dead, but my grandma has just been diagnosed with dementia and has had to go into residential care and her property sold to pay. After nearly having a nervous breakdown trying to meet the demands of ailing parents, my DM says she will willingly forego every penny of her "inheritance" to have that burden lifted and her life back.

MitzyLeFroof · 26/09/2015 16:07

I think living at home till death is the ideal as long as proper care is in place. My mum was a nurse in a nursing home for years and years. She made me promise that if she developed Alzheimers or had a severe physical decline that I would put her in a home rather than take on the responsibility of looking after her myself. She said she's seen too many women (and it's usually women) sacrifice their own happiness and wellbeing to look after their parents.

Thankfully she's still hale and hearty and long may she continue to be so!

SquinkiesRule · 26/09/2015 16:25

Over 65 it's only 4 or 5% of people who need a nursing home. After 85 it's more like 50%.
Be nice to your children, they are the ones who end up picking the nursing home.
Dh and I will have to sell up to pay the fees, should we end up needing the care. We knew this and have our mortgage paid off so that the kids can sell the house for us if need be.

badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 21:59

I doubt it, mollie.

I imagine that assisted suicide will be legalised within the next decade.
I also imagine I will die in my late sixties or early seventies, as this seems to be the pattern in my family, and it will be a sudden death from heart failure.
I suspect care as we know it now will look very different thirty/forty years down the line and as such it's impossible to make predictions - even now, care is different to how it was ten years ago.

However, if it should come to the stage where I absolutely couldn't be at home (and I would rather sit in a dark cold house in my own urine than do to my children what my mothers parents did to her) then I would hope that this wouldn't take the only thing I could leave my children, yes. I really hope that.

pointythings · 26/09/2015 23:11

My father is in a nursing home. He has Parkinson's and the associated dementia - my mum could not keep him at home. The place he is in is great - it is a specialist dementia care home, it costs a bomb and is worth every penny.

DH and I have seen it all play out, and we will not be letting that happen to us. Instead we are putting away money towards the trip to Switzerland. Seeing what my mum is suffering being away from her DH of almost 50 years, seeing what he feels in his (few) lucid moments - that won't be us.

Tigger365 · 26/09/2015 23:23

I signed the paperwork for my grandfather to move to a care home. He has advanced Alzheimer's and I just couldn't cope anymore.
He has a better quality of life now, albeit at a huge cost (£2000 a month) it's so so so worth it though

BackforGood · 26/09/2015 23:39

I hate the emotive language used by so many about "putting" older people into a home.
I was lucky in that my Dad had reason to visit lots of different sorts of sheltered housing / nursing homes / residential home / etc in his last few years at work, and he would commonly come home and tell us of the wonderful places he'd seen and how he hoped he'd get a place in this one or that one when the time came. Both my parents were adamant they didn't want any of us to make them live with us .
As it turns out, they both died without ever needing to go into any sort of a care home.
Nowadays there are so many different options to help people live at home for longer too.

That said, I'm with pointythings and others. When the time comes, I'd like to be able to make my own decisions about quality of life vs time of my death.

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 00:09

I imagine that assisted suicide will be legalised within the next decade

I think there's a good chance it will

I expect to be hale and hearty to at least 110 though:)

Prelude · 27/09/2015 00:18

Tory policy will take care of me and my disabled son long before either of us become elderly.

steff13 · 27/09/2015 00:22

Are people concerned about costs looked into Long-Term Care Insurance, or is that not a "thing" in the UK? It would cover a nursing home or in-home care, whichever you choose.

kippersmum · 27/09/2015 01:12

My parents have thought about this alot. My D Father was critically ill 3 years ago which focussed our minds.

I have continued with part time work, rather than full time. My parents have helped pay our mortgage, covering what I would have earned if I was full time. In return when the time comes I am available to care for them instead of them going into a nursing home, for as long as possible.

I have mixed feelings about this. It is what my parents want, & I want to make them happy. But I'm not sure I am ready to deal with 2 ill elderly parents & a DD (with Aspergers) plus an NT DD being teenagers.

My DFather is so worried about his life savings being spent in a couple of months in a care home, which is why he wants to pay my mortgage shortfall & I look after for him. As he said, "this way you have a roof over your head at the end of it".

Tough times ahead, with no easy answer :(

CPtart · 27/09/2015 06:50

No amount of anyone paying my mortgage would reduce me to caring for my elderly parents and all the physical and emotional stresses that involves. I was a district nurse for a long time and saw what it did to families (usually the women). People are living longer, and this role can go on years and years.
Kippers - I know you want to make your parents happy (which isn't your responsibility) but it sounds like you've been sold a line here and done up like a kipper!

TheSteveMilliband · 27/09/2015 07:32

Reading some of this thread reinforces to me exactly why assisted suicide cannot be made legal. The pressure for people to "do the right thing" and avoid the costs / burden of care as they become more frail / develop dementia etc. will be there in the background and is chilling. And I entirely agree with poster up thread who pointed out that views you have in your twenties, thirties and even sixties and seventies will change when actually faced with a diagnosis or infirmity. A bit like parenting (and all those threads about how we all had to adjust our expectations after actually having kids!),
I work with people with dementia and there is some fabulous care out there. If the time comes, I'd like to think care home will be fine with me, have seen many thrive in them when their illnesses progress and home becomes impossible.

mollie123 · 27/09/2015 07:59

the steve - I do so agree
from the lofty heights of 30 years old it is all too easy to fail to understand what it is like when you are frail and in your 80s (of course there are always 80 year olds running marathons but that is not the norm)
imagine the pressure to not deny your children their inheritance by shipping yourself off to the best care home that YOUR money can buy.

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 08:30

It is what my parents want, & I want to make them happy. But I'm not sure I am ready to deal with 2 ill elderly parents & a DD (with Aspergers) plus an NT DD being teenagers

?It sounds as if they feel you have a duty to care for them?

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 08:34

Reading some of this thread reinforces to me exactly why assisted suicide cannot be made legal
those are some of the arguments against assisted suicide, there are also arguments in favour.

Opinions vary on the question of which side is the more compelling.

On balance I am in favour of assisted suicide ?

suzannecaravan · 27/09/2015 08:41

CPtart, I agree, we pay taxes so that the state has money to fund education and healthcare etc, care of the elderly ought also to be funded collectively.
It's just not feasible in the modern world for adult children to do this on top of everything else.

What if your parents refuse to take care of their health leaving you to deal with the consequences ?

Mind you in Japan I've heard that you have to ?take out insurance to fund your care

ThingWithFeathers · 27/09/2015 08:42

My very elderly parent has decided to move into an excellent, local care home. We are looking forward to spending our time together doing things we both enjoy, instead of having to discuss house and garden maintenance,. and all the other practicalities of life that are proving ever more stressful.

Pranmasghost · 27/09/2015 08:47

I am frightened of living alone and I hate the idea of residential care. Atm dh and I are fine (71 and 79) but my daughter and her husband have always said I would live with them if I was left.
If I develop dementia and know about it I will go down the pills and whisky road otherwise I may try the sheltered housing flat option. I don't want to ever be a burden but if we could combine finances and find somewhere with a granny flat that would be my (and their) preferred option.
The problem is that the only inheritance my dc (3 steps, dd and ds) would have is from the sale of the house so if I invested most of it in a place with dd then the others would lose out. Difficult.

mollie123 · 27/09/2015 08:48

parents are adults and provided they are compos mentis if they choose to neglect their health, decide to sell their house to give themselves a nice quality of life (or decide a visit to dignitas is on the cards) it should be their decision and not based on some weird idea of doing the best for their children by ' not being a burden' - or - by passing on an inheritance.-

Girlwhowearsglasses · 27/09/2015 08:55

But what, actually is wrong with care homes?

The money is one thing, but set that aside and there's nothing in the fundamental nature of a care home that says it has to be horrific. 'Care' and 'home' - surely our society can pull something pleasant out of those two words. The company of others when you want it at a time when many are incredibly lonely, the worries of bills and home maintenance removed (and pestering scam merchants and charities), not having to worry about feeding visitors and being able to enjoy their company more because of it: I'm stating the ideals and I knew that this is not often the reality, but if we're having the discussion we shouldn't accept the status quo. I accept that the way these places are is also driven by market forces and the constraints of finance: not least that of ensuring those caring for us have a living wage (essential)

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