We need to talk about nursing homes

[Abookaday]

Had lunch a couple of days ago with a group of female friends and a discussion commenced about maybe requiring nursing home care when we were old.

Comments were made by my friends that they would die before they entered a nursing home. One stated she would haunt her children If they moved her into a nursing home

I asked around and none had made the financial means to have 24 hour. carers. No one had actually had a frank discussion with their daughters ( it always seems women end up doing the brunt of caring for elderly relatives) about them ceasing work/commitments to provide full time care when/if the time came.

I adore my parents but the reality is that I need to work to pay the bills as my DP's work is unstable and whilst I would prefer not to put my parents in a nurisng home, if they in the future required 24 hour care it would be the only option. I think many women now have huge financial responsiblities and child care responsibilities and would have similar situation. I have told my DD she is only to make the best decision she can in relation to any long term care I may need(in the very distance future hopefully)

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to end up in a nursing home but then have a responsiblity to at least have a conversation with your kids about your expectations. You also can't guilt your children into becoming full time carers as most of us have no choice but to work to pay the bills

Yes, years later I'm still somewhat bitter towards them, they did know about the chest pains my mum got, that were eventually diagnosed as stress, after ECG tests, etc, they knew about the poor health, my dad's heart bypass operation, and so on. And did nothing

seems to be pretty common, one person shoulders the burden and other's, seeing how onerous it is, want no part of it in case they get lumbered.

Makes me think of the fairy tale of the red shoes, the girl is tricked into wearing them but once on there is no escape and she dances herself to death

There is also a difference between care homes and nursing homes. A care home which is a community, a bit like a nice hotel with friends, would be perfect for when you need a bit of help and to live a simpler, easier life.

The problem comes when you have residents who are immobile, incontinent, unable to feed themselves, with dementia that means that they cannot communicate or be left unless locked in for their own and others' safety. That's when it becomes ridiculously expensive, unpleasant to be around and the questions about life or death are asked.

The trouble is we start with one and end up with the other and the bill is £5k a month.