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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think saying someone looks like a serial killer is rude

26 replies

badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 09:43

Hmm

Out for drinks last night and someone commented that apparently my brother looks like a well known murderer and rapist. Cue lots of loud laughter and ha ha ha yes he does.

Brother (has autism) pretty upset and now won't stop going on about it.

How rude is this!?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 26/09/2015 09:46

It is always rude to mock someone based on their appearance. And disgraceful if it is done in such a way that a whole room joins in laughing at them.

Even if it's seen out by the victim with a brave face, that kind of "joke" can really hurt.

MinecraftWonder · 26/09/2015 09:47

Well if they said it knowing it would upset your brother, or if you said it to a stranger or someone you'd only just met...then yes of course it's rude.

In a group of friends then i'd class it as pretty standard banter tbh. But if that was the case then i'd have thought they'd have known your db well enough to know it would upset him.

Onthepigsback · 26/09/2015 09:48

Very insensitive. They are being arsed by not picking up on your reaction to the initial comment. Feel free to say it to them that he's a vulnerable person you care a lot about so don't appreciate the joke.

FrozenPonds · 26/09/2015 09:50

I don't know that it is rude exactly. If your brother does look like Fred West or someone, people will comment eventually - maybe thinking there is a family connection.

People tend to be curious like that.

I wouldn't walk up to a stranger and comment, but amongst friends/acquaintances I might ask or comment.

MinecraftWonder · 26/09/2015 09:51

I'm assuming of course that your brother was actually there...and you didn't tell him afterwards?

Otherwise there's a whole different spin on it.

Original poster
badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 09:51

You would honestly ask if someone was related to Fred West?

Why would you do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 09:52

He was actually there, Minecraft. I wouldn't have told him. I know I am going to suffer months of him going on about this.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 26/09/2015 09:54

Are you serious Frozenponds?

You would actually say "You look like Fred West/Peter Sutcliff/Myra Hindley are you related?"

lljkk · 26/09/2015 09:54

Did the person who said this know that your brother is very sensitive & would take it so much to heart?

Original poster
badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 09:56

I can see how in some contexts it could be lighthearted banter but the notoriety of this person and the crimes they committed (a long time ago now but quite local to us so very much in the public eye still) meant it came across horribly.

My brother can be over sensitive but in this case I don't think he was - the guffawing went on a bit too much.

I just can't believe someone would think it appropriate to show a polite interest in someone by asking if they were related to Fred West!

OP posts:
MinecraftWonder · 26/09/2015 09:56

I struggle to understand why you'd wonder if there was a family connection - unless of course they were from the same area, which would increase the chances.

If I saw someone who looked the spit of Fred West, then i'd think to myself 'Good God, that man is the spit of Fred West!'.

I wouldn't wonder, and enquire if he was actually related to him! It's more likely to be the coincidence of just looking similar.

Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 09:59

it's not nice but I was once in the hairdressers and overheard one of the male stylists tell a customer she had a "myra hindley look going on". She laughed an awkward laugh. Not nice! why would you say that!?

BarbarianMum · 26/09/2015 10:01

Can't believe that anyone would think that this is ok tbh.

OneDay103 · 26/09/2015 10:04

It is rude but does he look like the person? They might have just made an observation.

FrozenPonds · 26/09/2015 10:07

No, I wouldn't ask the person outright if they were related to a look-alike Grin.

If we had friends in common I'd probably mention it though. If its an obvious resemblance I think people will comment/ask, even if only through mutual friends.

abbieanders · 26/09/2015 10:09

It is rude to comment on other's appearance, no questions. However, if it was out and drink was taken, I'm sure it was one of those things where you say something off the cuff without really meaning it and feel utterly dreadful when you see the reaction.

I'm sure your friend is upset that they said it.

howtorebuild · 26/09/2015 10:09

They are not your friends.

Original poster
badgergirl82 · 26/09/2015 10:12

Did that really happen, Dahil?

OP posts:
Hygge · 26/09/2015 10:21

Dalilhama have you posted about that before? I was just going to say I remembered a thread where someone had been described as looking like Myra Hindley.

My Dad is occasionally told he looks a bit like a well known serial killer. Thankfully it's just the odd random comment, but what happened with your brother sounds like a prolonged thing, with people laughing at him and not caring how he felt.

I think that's worse than just commenting on a resemblance. It wasn't nice to point out that he looks like this person, much worse to keep on about it and laughing at him. I don;t think you're being unreasonable.

OP posts:
SnobblyBobbly · 26/09/2015 10:47

A post from 2011! Elephants have nothing on MNetters! Grin

It wasn't kind to say that to your brother - especially if the people involved knew he might be more sensitive to it. Poor guy will probably have a complex about it now.

katemiddletonsothermum · 26/09/2015 11:11

A dad at the local leisure centre swimming lessons is the spit of Vincent Tabac. If I knew him well then I might mention it sadly (if I was half cut) but I wouldn't laugh about it to him. I always think of the girl when I see him.

AlpacaPicnic · 26/09/2015 11:15

I once had to very gently advise my mum to get a trim as her hair had grown out a bit while she was studying and had gone a bit 'Myra Hindley mugshot' Blush

We both treated ourselves to hair cuts that weekend!

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 26/09/2015 11:19

I've been told I look like a serial killer before. Not any particular one, just that I look like one in general. I've also been told that I'm the most likely candidate to kill someone out of everyone they know Hmm.

I think it's because I'm socially awkward. I have autism just like your brother so YANBU. It's very rude.

Greenteandchives · 26/09/2015 12:27

My son used to be a Saturday boy on the tills at Waitrose. He was told by a customer he looked like a thug. Big lad with v short haircut at the time. I was offended on his behalf. He said he just let it go.