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Original poster

Did I deserve this massive aggressive reaction from dP?

91 replies

Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 08:02

Just finished a 12 hour shift last night and got home at 8.30pm. I'd just found out I'd had a huge pay increase at work (and had actually been paid) so to celebrate I got a bottle of wine for dp and I to share.

Now when I got in he's obviously in a mood but not letting on. He then says that his kids (18 and 20 year old men) were not coming for access visit this week. Now other times I might have commented that he shouldn't expect them to continue with regimented access EVERY weekend at their ages but to not rock the boat, I said nothing.

He then went on to say that his ex's elderly dad was in hospital and they (the ex and the kids) were going to the hospital but as he (dp) had got there late, they'd got a taxi.

The way he worded this made it sound like he had planned to give them a lift there. Not entirely unreasonable apart from the ex drives! so I simply said "why, were you giving them a lift or something?".

Well he went mental. Shouted "fucking hell!" At me, continuously shouted and swore at me, told me I was a fucking joke ... Anyway i told him I couldn't be arsed with all that tonight and left him to it and went to watch a film. Half hour later I went back in, all nicey nicey, went to hug him and said "come on, let's not argue. I've got a big pay packet this week and a bottle of wine, come in the living room with me". He replied "no! It's too late!! I'm far too angry with you, I'm fucking livid!!" We went on to say that he intended for us to argue all night (who really talks like that??) and would not make up, didn't give a shit about the money and that he works hard and I dont ??. At this point I'd had enough so told him I was sick of the way he flies off the handle at every little thing and drags stuff on all the time. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship where things were so volatile that a simple question blew up into world war 3.
He said "let's split up then".
First sensible thing he'd said all night. Now this "let's split up then" is another one of his argument favourites only I'm taking him up on it this time. I can't live like this.
But I'm curious. Did I really deserve that huge reaction to asking if he was giving his ex and adult kids a lift?
Even if I was in the wrong, did it REALLY need a huge blow up that was scheduled to last all night??

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 26/09/2015 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 26/09/2015 09:14

Oh, it's you, again. Same advice as every previous thread.

Yes, you should leave him.

No, you won't do it.

See you all again in a few weeks, folks.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 26/09/2015 09:20

I remember you OP. So glad you're getting out. Have you got children as well?

Aye no need to be so unpleasant Hmm

AyeAmarok · 26/09/2015 09:27

Well I think we're on for about 20+ threads now.

Narp · 26/09/2015 09:30

Nobody deserves an aggressive reaction from their partner for anything, IMO.

It's not really discussing it further. Just have the courage of your convictions. You don't need a bunch of strangers agreeing with you about what a nob he is. You feel it

DonkeyOaty · 26/09/2015 09:32

Yes get rid, find yourself a new home, move on.

Sadly I think AyaAm is on the money here.

stateoftheart · 26/09/2015 09:43

I wish I could see his reaction when he realises you mean it and have left for good!

He is far too used to using you to vent his unreasonable anger!!!

BabyGanoush · 26/09/2015 09:44

agree with this:

"Yes, you should leave him.

No, you won't do it.

See you all again in a few weeks, folks."

MinecraftWonder · 26/09/2015 09:49

Of course you didn't 'deserve' it. He was a prick. But, as an isolated incident, nor does it equal 'LTB'. Everyone has bad days and no ones perfect...i'm sure everyone has been a prick at some point in the past.

It doesn't sound like it's an isolated incident though.

Original poster
Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 09:52

Thanks for the replies. I do realise I have done all your heads in with the different threads and for that I apologize. My head has been all over the place these past few years and he's so convincing at making me think it's all my fault that I suppose I kept posting thinking that at some point, you'll all agree with him - because it was too confusing otherwise.

I have just run a search and looked back over old threads. Jesus Christ - it really has been the same shit for years hasn't it. I came across a thread with an almost identical incident as last night and I remember the hurt and confusion back then. I no longer feel the hurt and I don't feel as confused.

I am arranging viewings on two houses. I will leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 09:52

I'm also going to arrange counseling which I should have done years ago.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 26/09/2015 09:53

Please let this be the last straw and split with him.
there's so much wrong with him, and he's not a fixer-upper.
he doesn't have any respect for you.
if he did, he wouldn't treat you like this.

wotoodoo · 26/09/2015 10:03

Yayy! Really makes my day when the op sees the light! Grin Flowers Brew Wine Cake

A fantastic, peaceful, happy new life awaits! x

CarlaJones · 26/09/2015 10:03

Leave and do not go back to him.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 26/09/2015 10:05

Op it's probably a good idea to read over your old threads because I remember your situation too and this thread isn't really any different from previous ones. I don't mean that in a critical way, just that he's treated you like a verbal punch bag for a long time and you've put up with it for a long time.

You know you don't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully so I really hope you mean it when you say you are leaving. He's never going to change and if you ever start to think he might or you feel yourself being sucked back in when he decides to be nice, just look back over your threads again. Flowers

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/09/2015 10:18

I'm not good at spotting posters who repeatedly post the same stuff but you I do. I'm sorry you have been head fucked by this useless twat but honestly - your poor kids. Please sort this mess out now and get them out of this shit storm.

pictish · 26/09/2015 10:29

Yes I remember you too. Please do attend those viewings and get the hell out of there with your kids. Life is too short to spend with someone who uses you as a verbal punching bag. You're not obliged to play that role and he's a piece of shit to force it on you.
Go go go!

SuperFlyHigh · 26/09/2015 10:36

OP - best of luck to you too!

It is interesting reading old threads/diaries etc as it shows where your head is/was at and how you need (if you want to) to change. A think a few people I know have had false starts, are in bad relationships or have gone back to a bad relationship (hoping for change).

The counselling is great - try and find a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) one if you can, great practical advice about dealing with personality types/situations etc.

I really do think you have seen the light/straw the broke the camel's back moment. Take care and post here again for more courage from others to spur you on if he tries to reel you back in. Flowers

Wheretheresawill1 · 26/09/2015 10:41

He sounds very controlling about his 'rights' to see his 'children' - I had an ex like this.. Super dad who paid a pittance and moaned about this. Skulked about depressed Al the time because he couldn't see his kids every day. No acknowledgement that in fact it was his fault his wife ran away. My friend is with someone similar - she can't see it yet

Original poster
Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 11:03

He's exactly like that "my kids are my world!! I'm so depressed I don't see them!!" At 20 years old I'd be concerned if my kids DID want to be with me every weekend!!
The other week he moaned that his weekends revolve around running around for everyone 24/7. Confused I asked what he actually meant, specifically, by "running around" for everyone. His first example was "well I have to drive and pick my boys up for a start" !!!!???? And then his second example was "and I have to run around making sure everyone has food and drinks"

Jesus H. No - you don't actually have to run up to your 20 year olds bedroom with snacks and drinks - it's ridiculous mate, but you insist on it for some bizarre reason !

OP posts:
pictish · 26/09/2015 11:05

Leave him to it. Seriously. Leave. Him. To. It.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 26/09/2015 11:18

Ah look op forget the details of each and every rant, they're all the same and there's no point in going over them in your head. It will only make you feel more wound up and frustrated. You're wasting mental energy on examining the rubbish he comes out with and pointing out the obvious.

Focus on the facts not each individual argument: this man treats you wth contempt. He has no respect for you and shows that at every opportunity. Leave!

maddening · 26/09/2015 11:22

the question "why were you going to give them a lift" deserved no reaction other than a reply of "yes" or "no" let alone the treatment you got - he is a twat and you would be well rid.

Grapejuicerocks · 26/09/2015 11:22

Such a shame you've wasted all those years before you got to this point. Still, at least you are there now.
Good luck. I hope it goes as smoothly as it can.

kali110 · 26/09/2015 11:23

Op sounds like this is a lucky escape for you!
I don't use it often but he sounds like a cunt!
Was he actually there for his kids growing up?
Is that why he 'runs around now'?
He clearly just wants to argue. All this is your fault. ( it's not).
Go and use your paypacket ( congrats!!!) on something you love and kick his loser ass out.

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