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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did I deserve this massive aggressive reaction from dP?

91 replies

Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 08:02

Just finished a 12 hour shift last night and got home at 8.30pm. I'd just found out I'd had a huge pay increase at work (and had actually been paid) so to celebrate I got a bottle of wine for dp and I to share.

Now when I got in he's obviously in a mood but not letting on. He then says that his kids (18 and 20 year old men) were not coming for access visit this week. Now other times I might have commented that he shouldn't expect them to continue with regimented access EVERY weekend at their ages but to not rock the boat, I said nothing.

He then went on to say that his ex's elderly dad was in hospital and they (the ex and the kids) were going to the hospital but as he (dp) had got there late, they'd got a taxi.

The way he worded this made it sound like he had planned to give them a lift there. Not entirely unreasonable apart from the ex drives! so I simply said "why, were you giving them a lift or something?".

Well he went mental. Shouted "fucking hell!" At me, continuously shouted and swore at me, told me I was a fucking joke ... Anyway i told him I couldn't be arsed with all that tonight and left him to it and went to watch a film. Half hour later I went back in, all nicey nicey, went to hug him and said "come on, let's not argue. I've got a big pay packet this week and a bottle of wine, come in the living room with me". He replied "no! It's too late!! I'm far too angry with you, I'm fucking livid!!" We went on to say that he intended for us to argue all night (who really talks like that??) and would not make up, didn't give a shit about the money and that he works hard and I dont ??. At this point I'd had enough so told him I was sick of the way he flies off the handle at every little thing and drags stuff on all the time. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship where things were so volatile that a simple question blew up into world war 3.
He said "let's split up then".
First sensible thing he'd said all night. Now this "let's split up then" is another one of his argument favourites only I'm taking him up on it this time. I can't live like this.
But I'm curious. Did I really deserve that huge reaction to asking if he was giving his ex and adult kids a lift?
Even if I was in the wrong, did it REALLY need a huge blow up that was scheduled to last all night??

OP posts:
Lightbulbon · 26/09/2015 08:21

He has anger issues.

Ltb

bimandbam · 26/09/2015 08:21

Is there anywhere else you could stay short term until you find somewhere else? I would be packing and leaving today if at all possible. Why continue to stay when it's going to end?

That way you are leaving while things are still fresh in your mind and it's still raw. I bet he switches to nice mode now and acts all hurt that you have rearranged your night out. Don't fall for it.

Original poster
Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 08:21

The access weekend thing is beyond ridiculous but their mother is just as bad. The pair of them treat those lads like they're 8 and 10 years old, when dp goes to pick them up their mother comes to the door and they stand chatting while the kids put their shoes on ... At 20 years old!!!! It's fucking mind boggling. How much longer are they going to carry on like that??
I'm just looking forward to being out of it. It's madness.

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 26/09/2015 08:24

Don't know anything about separation and child access arrangements but surely once they're 18 it's totally up to them anyway? Seems odd he'd even still refer to seeing his adult sons as access!
He was obviously spoiling for a fight, you're doing the right thing to leave. What a tool.

Scobberlotcher · 26/09/2015 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fieldfare · 26/09/2015 08:25

Take him up on it.
It sounds like he was spoiling for a fight, whatever the reason.

Original poster
Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 08:25

He won't be physically aggressive. Verbally, emotionally and mentally aggressive yeah - but im used to that.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 26/09/2015 08:26

Just leave.

This man, and his bizarre infantilising of his sons, has never been worth your time.

TheWitTank · 26/09/2015 08:28

He has massive control issues, and not just over you. Run.

IrenetheQuaint · 26/09/2015 08:28

Have you posted several times before, OP? Sounds horribly familiar.

ScarlettDarling · 26/09/2015 08:33

Don't share anything else with this horrible man; your life, your wine or your bumper pay packet.

Get yourself out today and start looking at places to live. Enjoy your night out tonight as a single woman.

This man and his family sound horribly dysfunctional. The weirdness of going to pick his 18 and 20 year old 'boys' up for weekend access, while his ex hands them over, is just bizarre.

I think you know that splitting is the right thing to do. Stick to your guns and get out quick.

FantasticButtocks · 26/09/2015 08:34

If you've already been thinking about splitting up, he's just made the decision a whole lot easier. I wouldn't spend a minute longer than necessary talking to him or in his company. Just think, once it's done you'll never need to put up with this ridiculous situation with his adult children ever again Grin Sounds like your life is about to get a whole lot better.

Original poster
Dalilhama · 26/09/2015 08:35

I have posted about him before yes, it's just this time it's come to a head, I've seen the light and I'm fucking running for it!!

In the past he has gone mental over:

Me saying his son shouldn't have eaten almost a full bag of bananas that I'd bought for baking in the space of two hours.

Me suggesting that at his eldest son hardly comes anymore the bigger bedroom which he occupies once in a blue moon should be given to one of the resident children

Me saying that I was sick of sitting in the house every asturday night watching babyish films with adult kids

Me asking how his son is

Oh the list goes on ... And that's just the stuff about the kids. He blows up over everything else too.

"Oh my god, this hotel is awful!! We can't stay here ... " = "right!! That's it!!! You want a fucking argument you'll get a fucking argument!! You've ruined our holiday and I'm not fucking talking to you!" ..... Yeah really adequate response there to me being upset about a shit hole hotel that a) I wasn't blaming anyone for!!! And b) I was simply suggesting we look for another one! Madness.

OP posts:
TurnOffTheTv · 26/09/2015 08:39

You've posted about him before haven't you? I'm so glad you're leaving! Not worth the hassle at all X X X

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 08:39

No, nobody should have to live like that. Time to go. Leave with your head held high.

HackerFucker22 · 26/09/2015 08:40

Have you posted about this guy before? Sounds very similar.

CloakAndJagger · 26/09/2015 08:41

I think that leaving is the right thing to do. He just wants to blame you for everything. He was waiting for you to come home, just so he could take his anger out on you, nothing more, noting less. What a twat.

I hope you keep the strength to go through with it.

abbieanders · 26/09/2015 08:42

Can't you go to a b & b tonight while you find alternative accommodation? Don't spend the weekend with that loser.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 26/09/2015 08:42

I remember your previous posts too, OP, and I can't tell you how fucking relieved I am that you're scarpering - he sounds EXACTLY like my ex, who was also a controlling manchild with dreadful anger issues.

He is NOT your problem. Go and enjoy that pay packet! Flowers

DurhamDurham · 26/09/2015 08:46

I think you have finally reached he end of your tether and seen the light at the same time. You know you need to leave and you know you will do it this time. He sounds exhausting, I don't know how you've stayed for so long. It must be awful for all the children concerned, they deserve better. And so do you.

Moln · 26/09/2015 08:47

You posted about the room didn't you?

You will be happier without him.

BrideOfWankenstein · 26/09/2015 08:57

Are you Marilynz by any chance? Her 'D'P was like that. And had 2 sons of the same age.
It sounds like you should've split up ages ago.

Blueandwhitelover · 26/09/2015 09:05

Think I remember Bananagate! Glad you have decided that you are important and deserve better. Well done.

WhoTheFIsJeff · 26/09/2015 09:08

Are you the same poster who also has a thread in relationships? Yes splitting up is the right thing to do.

BeaufortBelle · 26/09/2015 09:08

You know why his ex left him then!