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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel annoyed about how life has turned out?

68 replies

foxwoman · 24/09/2015 22:01

I know that I am being unreasonable but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in finding this annoying.

I am 38 now and have been friends with another woman since first year at high school. Over the years we have seen each other less as we went to different unis, started different careers etc but we always meet up a few times a year to catch up.

Ever since she has been a young teenager she has been very careful with taking care of herself especially her skin. She wouldn't drink booze or smoke or even stay out at a smokey club late because she said doing those things ruined your skin in time. She shunned make up as she felt it was bad for her skin, wore sunscreen daily before it became popular and became a vegetarian all to protect her looks. She has always kept fit but won't do high impact exercise or impact sports because she believes its bad for your skin and face.

In our late teens and 20's I found it very hard to understand why she would live her life this way, always taking care of herself. It wasn't even as if she thought she was some great beauty but she just seemed to check in with herself over every think is this bad for my skin if so she wasn't doing it, this included the kind of dodgy guys most of us fall for when we where youn, she just saw right though them.

She married a reliable, quiet man with a good job and bought a house in the semi countryside away from pollution and established a mainly work from home low stress job.

When I was younger I really thought she was a boring at times although I knew she was smart and funny in private I just couldn't see why she would live like that. Now however I can see that she just seemed to know from a very young age what she wanted, the quality of life she wanted from her home life to her appearance and its true she looks amazing, the quality of her skin is better than any other woman in her 30's I have seen even compared to celebrities. If I didn't know her I'd say she was in her early to mid 20's. I on the other hand look like fag ash lil and I think that is not uncommon for most women my age too much sun and fun and I can't help but feel about annoyed about it all. Mainstream culture told me to go out have fun, be one of the lads, that I could have it all a career, beauty, a man family but instead I feel washed up and dried up at 38. I've had a lot of men in my life but none that stuck around and the only ones who show an interest now are all in their 50's which is too old for me.

Why did nobody warn me I had limited resources of looks and energy which I would use up and how did she know to pace herself? It isn't fair :(

OP posts:
TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 24/09/2015 22:07

YABU, perfection is boring whereas wrinkles add character Wink

tigertygerinthenight · 24/09/2015 22:09
Hmm
catfordbetty · 24/09/2015 22:10

Cut your losses and hook up with one of those old geezers. As you say, your looks are blown - take what you can.

QuintShhhhhh · 24/09/2015 22:11

Maybe her mum was like mine.

I have bestowed the same wisdom on my niece, and hope she will pace herself.

I did not heed my mums advice, and I told my niece to use me as an example of what happens if you dont avoid those pitfalls.

tigertygerinthenight · 24/09/2015 22:12

Shit I'd better marry the first "reliable, quiet man" I meet then. Or has the "sun and fun" and loose men already cuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrssssssssseeeeeeeeeedddd me? Grin

OneDay103 · 24/09/2015 22:14

Your friend sounds a lot like me, and I can assure you I'm far from boringGrin
I think I was just that type of person who was always certain of what I wanted and very, very confident to choose my own path regardless of what everyone did.
I had lots of fun and experiences along the way but it was always on my terms.

Hobbes8 · 24/09/2015 22:17

What a weird perspective. Do you really think your friend has a nicer life than you because she looked after her skin better? I'm 38 and drank like a fish in my 20s and my skin looks....normal.

MsVestibule · 24/09/2015 22:19

Why did nobody warn me I had limited resources of looks and energy which I would use up. Like you'd have listened to them Grin.

If this is genuine, loads of women sunbathe, smoke and party in their 20s and still manage to bag themselves a man of a similar age! Are you really so unattractive as a result of your youthful excesses, or is that just your somewhat skewed perception?

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 24/09/2015 22:20

'mainstream culture' told you to do it. Uh huh.

Take a little personal responsibility for your life choices.

Hobbes8 · 24/09/2015 22:22

Unless you've spent the last couple of decades mainlining meth, I'm sure you look fine.

Tootsiepops · 24/09/2015 22:24

I'd rather have had all the fun of my 20s than nice skin in my 30s.

tigertygerinthenight · 24/09/2015 22:24

Not sure whether to be Hmm, but on the general topic, there is more to life than "quality of skin" and a male partner though

I write as someone who gets ID'd in her thirties (have vomited in the toilet more than once) tend to have very nice men - both younger, same age, and older Smile after a serious relationships with me and pretty much has the perfect work/life/challenge balance.

I liked the sun and fun things I've done, and grinning wryly as the dodgy blokes I've been with, and I also like cooking and arts and culture. Social experimenting keeps one curious and alive.

I'm financially independent so early retirement is well on track but (thus far) I enjoy my chosen vocation so much I reckon I will want to keep at it as I age to keep the brain active.

I still believe there is no need to divide women up into WRONG CHOICE SLUTTY LIL and SENSIBLE GOOD CHOICE SUSAN

(unless you are Paul Dacre trying to cause division, in which case you are pig ugly and should probably focus on going for a run)

Oysterbabe · 24/09/2015 22:24

I look every one of my 34 years and still managed to find a nice husband. There's more to life than good skin.

hackedoffnow · 24/09/2015 22:29

Yes but I had the best time dating rock stars etc in dingy smokey pubs. Grin I'm sensible now eat well and have done well. Slap some retin a on your face and drink more water. It's the memories that make life more interesting, sounds like you have plenty.

chchchchchangees · 24/09/2015 22:31

This reminds me of a letter I once read in the 'chat' section of Take A Break in the doctors ok, not really in the doctors, I used to buy it

A woman wrote in to say she was so focused on staying wrinkle free that whenever someone said something that shocked or surprised her she would just do a tiny, imperceptible raise of her eyebrows.

The result being that at the age of 65 she only looked 63 and everyone thought she was a sociopathic weirdo

So, yeah...Um..

tigertygerinthenight · 24/09/2015 22:32

"She married a reliable, quiet man with a good job and bought a house in the semi countryside away from pollution and established a mainly work from home low stress job."

I'm waiting on news on a "work away from country" work assignment at the moment. It will be challenging to say the least. The place I will be in will be noisy, polluted and a completely alien environment. I will probably come back with some extra wrinkles.

I am gagging for it.

The above sounds like my idea of hell.

pinkdelight · 24/09/2015 22:35

Well someone did kinda warn you, she did. If she kept going on about it you can't claim to have been unaware. Indeed mainstream culture, far from telling women they can have it all, harasses them daily that they need to buy product x y or z or eat blah or do blah fitness regime to keep looking young and fit. If you didn't listen and had fun, good for you. Your skin might've been the same whatever you did as it's largely genetic, but really who gives a fuck? When will people get that attractiveness is about so much more than looks. Stop hating on yourself and comparing yourself to this friend and you'll exude a lot more attractive vibes. You're only 38. Your life hasn't ended up as anything yet!

OwlinaTree · 24/09/2015 22:38

Are you seriously jealous of this? So when you were having all that fun in your 20s and she was staying in looking after her skin you wish you'd stayed in with her?

Would you honestly do that given your time again? I'd rather look like an old handbag than have stayed in all weekend but hey, that's my choice!

Crispbutty · 24/09/2015 22:39

I am 46, smoke and drink, and have never washed my make up off at night, or used skin creams. Never had anything more than the occasion spot and have smooth skin so far... I did start to go grey at 16 though and if I didn't dye my hair it would be pure white now. It's all down to your genes in my view. I've been lucky but either way would much rather have great memories of having fun than watching every move I made cautiously.

Original poster
foxwoman · 24/09/2015 22:42

It was never a problem for her to stay in because she wasn't into partying I don't even know how much I was, I had some good times and some horrible times. I just feel like I was swept up by the culture of the late 90's and 2000's without ever really thinking what I wanted. I didn't know how much it would cost me long term.

OP posts:
tigertygerinthenight · 24/09/2015 22:51

Conversely, there are actually some people who feel they got "swept up" in the "quiet life" culture.

(partnered up with their uni sweetheart, focussed on financial stability and "peace of mind" and paying off the mortgage early over adventure and now feel that they want to go wild a bit but can't because of their commitments)

I know a few people who obsessed over scrimping and saving (and missing out on the "sun and fun") so they could "buy in the country" as if this would transform them into some rural wet dream living the Good Life and were disappointed, just like you.

Neither is right or wrong: every life has its consolations and its disappointments.

Focus on what you can change now regarding your appearance and love-life. And take small steps to do it.

If you have a negative attitude and don't love yourself, how can you expect someone to love you?

OhYeahMama · 24/09/2015 22:54

it sounds to me that you have LIVED and your friend has merely existed. I'll be reading your memoirs, not hers.

HTH.

sproketmx · 24/09/2015 23:09

How Fucking boring. You live your life as you want whatever makes you happy. She may have her looks but bog all else. I'm scarred up to the point I look like I've done a few rounds with Freddie krueger but I got them making memories. Which will be far more important to me later in life than a few less bloody wrinkles

Fatmomma99 · 24/09/2015 23:15

Agree that I'd prefer to read your biography to hers. I don't like the sound of her life, and you sound like you've had a good time.

And, honestly, I don't understand why that hasn't brought you the things you now crave.

But as others have said, I think you are viewing things in a very black-and-white way.

Canyouforgiveher · 24/09/2015 23:17

it sounds to me that you have LIVED and your friend has merely existed. I'll be reading your memoirs, not hers.

Sounds to me like your friend has known what she wanted out of life, married a man she loves and is living the life she wants - even if some people would think it boring. She isn't wondering about your life and envying it but you are doing just that about her (although the obsession about skin quality is a bit odd).

Forget what she chose and look instead at the fact that she seems to have chosen what she wanted. I think this is what you envy - active agency and choice.

But you can still do the same (even if it is only choosing a good moisturiser). At 38 you are still young. Start thinking about what you want instead of being caught up in the zeitgeist. You could be writing an incredible memoir age 50 about how you partied fairly thoughtlessly until the age of 38 and then ....