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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel annoyed about how life has turned out?

68 replies

foxwoman · 24/09/2015 22:01

I know that I am being unreasonable but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in finding this annoying.

I am 38 now and have been friends with another woman since first year at high school. Over the years we have seen each other less as we went to different unis, started different careers etc but we always meet up a few times a year to catch up.

Ever since she has been a young teenager she has been very careful with taking care of herself especially her skin. She wouldn't drink booze or smoke or even stay out at a smokey club late because she said doing those things ruined your skin in time. She shunned make up as she felt it was bad for her skin, wore sunscreen daily before it became popular and became a vegetarian all to protect her looks. She has always kept fit but won't do high impact exercise or impact sports because she believes its bad for your skin and face.

In our late teens and 20's I found it very hard to understand why she would live her life this way, always taking care of herself. It wasn't even as if she thought she was some great beauty but she just seemed to check in with herself over every think is this bad for my skin if so she wasn't doing it, this included the kind of dodgy guys most of us fall for when we where youn, she just saw right though them.

She married a reliable, quiet man with a good job and bought a house in the semi countryside away from pollution and established a mainly work from home low stress job.

When I was younger I really thought she was a boring at times although I knew she was smart and funny in private I just couldn't see why she would live like that. Now however I can see that she just seemed to know from a very young age what she wanted, the quality of life she wanted from her home life to her appearance and its true she looks amazing, the quality of her skin is better than any other woman in her 30's I have seen even compared to celebrities. If I didn't know her I'd say she was in her early to mid 20's. I on the other hand look like fag ash lil and I think that is not uncommon for most women my age too much sun and fun and I can't help but feel about annoyed about it all. Mainstream culture told me to go out have fun, be one of the lads, that I could have it all a career, beauty, a man family but instead I feel washed up and dried up at 38. I've had a lot of men in my life but none that stuck around and the only ones who show an interest now are all in their 50's which is too old for me.

Why did nobody warn me I had limited resources of looks and energy which I would use up and how did she know to pace herself? It isn't fair :(

OP posts:

OliviaM91 · 25/09/2015 14:12

Completely agree with you abbieanders.

lostInTheWash · 25/09/2015 14:12

(partnered up with their uni sweetheart, focussed on financial stability and "peace of mind" and paying off the mortgage early over adventure and now feel that they want to go wild a bit but can't because of their commitments)

Still paying a mortgage but otherwise exactly me.

I'm 38 and despite my sensible lifestyle and sun avoidance I am feeling tired and haggard at the minute. I look every inch of my years and feel a bit trapped by my life choice at the minute.

I do sometimes wish I'd been a bit more wild and had a bit more fun.

Still I'm making plans - staking out the style and beauty section here for tips and trying to make plans I can get excited about for my future and figure how that will work around my many commitments.

Probably best to ignore comparisons to others OP.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 25/09/2015 14:21

Yes, as others have said there's more to life than good skin surely?
And half of that is down to genetics anyway?
Wear a hat and sunscreen by all means but don't let it stop you having fun!

KevinAndMe · 25/09/2015 14:27

I agree with you OP.
No one ever mentions that we do indeed have limited resources re our body and that we will 'pay' for it later.
Looks are one thing but it's also your health. I know, I tried to do it all and ended up ill. It's the stress, the overwork etc...

And no, in the 90s no one ever thought we had finite ressources and we needed to take care of it.
Tbh, even now, we don't.

Of course, there is this thing about eating fruit and veg, not go too much in the sun etc... to keep a nice young looking skin, but in general, the idea is that we can all do the same thing if we put ourselves to it. Run a marathon, work full time and run a business from home, long commute and long hours etc etc. And yes, add a few children in the mix too.
In reality, the more I look around me, the more it is obvious that it doesn't work like this. Of the women who work endless hours, some can't get pregnant. Stress in affecting their fertility too.
A lot of people are burn out and getting depressed.

Now what can you do? Do your best with you have, look at your life now and how you would like live yours, in the best world possible, and move towards that.

KevinAndMe · 25/09/2015 14:29

daisy it's not really the issue of 'main stream culture'. It's the fact that culturally we are told that it's Ok to do X and Y. Or even that really we should do A and B.
And we do. Very few of us are comploetely immune to social pressure and saying that it doesn't exist or you should be able to stand against it isn't realistic.

RedMapleLeaf · 25/09/2015 14:32

I really don't recognise this. I was at secondary school in the 90s and stuff about health was on the curriculum. We knew that drinking, drugs and smoking were bad for our health. We knew the risk factors for cancer and heart disease etc.

LetsSplashMummy · 25/09/2015 14:49

What an unpleasant thread - she hasn't actually taken anything from you, not the man you didn't want, the job or your keratin - why tear her down. Everyone on here saying how dull she sounds, who hasn't even met her, should really think about how they would appear in one spiteful titbit from a jealous sort-of-friend.

The only constructive and healthy way for you to approach these feelings are to decide if your appearance is that important to you and what you would be willing to change - how you look and live at 50 is still under your control. Take some responsibility for yourself and your own choices. I know plenty of women who have got into running in their 30s, fo example, and all have looked better after.

ExConstance · 25/09/2015 14:57

I suppose looking after yourself is yet something else that should be taught at school. In my 20's I worked with a colleague who was incredibly beautiful, but a bit of a sun bed addict. She now looks about 70 and has ruined her skin with constant UV rays. Although the warnings have been out there for years no one really believed them.

TamaraLamara · 25/09/2015 15:11

Although the warnings have been out there for years no one really believed them

I think this nails it. 'They' have been warning about the long-term effects of smoking, drinking, sun damage, etc., but the young so often have a belief in their own invincibility: 'Nah, won't happen to me.'

I'm only a couple of years older than the OP and I'm quite surprised that she thinks the skin-damaging effects of certain behaviours was a well-kept secret. This information is everywhere, and has been for at least 20 years.

TwirlingGoldfish · 25/09/2015 15:37

OP - nonsense. I just turned 40, smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish. Skinwise - I'm a complete greasemonkey (got crow's feet but no other facial lines), albeit Caucasian (and blonde at that). I was plagued with acne between 13 and 24 - now I feel I'm getting my revenge :-). Most of what you're complaining about in terms of skin "aesthetics" is genetically determined. There's sweet FA you can do about it (short of surgery). Sounds to me like you just want to settle down now - and there's really nothing wrong with that.

I felt the same at 38 and hooked up a 50-something bloke (they're not all boring!!!) [hence Mumsnet - for the stepkids advice]. It's perfectly possible to settle cheerfully in to mid-life without going down the "classic" route. Late 30s without kids (for whatever reason) can be tough. But - you are NOT old and you are NOT beyond a settled family life. Chin up, mate!

KevinAndMe · 25/09/2015 16:32

Nah. Not all these 'health' messages have seen as 'normal' for 29 years and besides the messages that the OP is talking about WERE also there (still are to some extent too) and imo were much stronger proportionally than the ones about health.

It is true that when you are young you also don't think its that important

But the OP very clearly has no issue with her friend. It's more tha she is waking up to the consequences of living as if you were young for ever and it hurts.
Tbf, I can see where she is coming from. My 'awakening' has been much slower over my 30s but I certainly cannot remember any strong messages about not burning the candle by both ends when I was 20s

squoosh · 25/09/2015 16:34

I'm the same age as the OP and have been well aware since teen years of the effects that hard living and hard partying would take on a person's health and looks.

RedMapleLeaf · 25/09/2015 17:02

But the OP very clearly has no issue with her friend.

I didn't get that impression.

JawannaDrink · 25/09/2015 17:17

I'm the same age as op. I smoked and drank and took drugs and travelled extensively and had a lot of fun. I knew well that a lot of those things were quite bad for me and I didn't care.
And I have skin like a teenager. In yo face, universe!

MsRinky · 25/09/2015 19:08

Pffft. I'm 42, have paid my mortgage off and been with MrRinky for 23 years. I've also been having constant adventures (not all of them cost money) and have certainly done (and still do) my share of partying. Just having a quick drink now before heading out for a gig to skank the night away. Being vaguely financially sensible and in a stable relationship does not equal boring.

I reckon I've got the face and body I deserve - my face is more youthful than my body, the slightly greasy skin came good in the end. I am pretty tubby, but don't much care. Got the odd grey hair now, or silver highlights as I prefer to think of them, again, don't care.

Yes, you have to plan for the future, but not at the expense of living in the present. Balance is everything, and it sounds like neither you or your friend got it quite right. Not too late though....

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 25/09/2015 19:11

Smoked for 15 years, drank like a fish, ate shit (and am fat), live in a city, in my 30s and still get IDed. And have people tell me I'm good for looking after my little brother! (My son!)

ssd · 25/09/2015 19:12

foxwoman, yours is the weirdest bloody op I've read in a long time

exWifebeginsat40 · 25/09/2015 19:37

blimey. i had a hideous dysfunctional childhood with lots of foreign holidays and nobody sober enough to think about sun cream.

my early 20s were one long party. and i lived in a lorry. i've been married and divorced twice, and am a recovering alcoholic who drank like a fish for 25 years. i never take my makeup off at night.

i'm 42 now and people mostly think i am early 30s. makes you think, doesn't it?

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