to feel annoyed about how life has turned out?

[foxwoman]

I know that I am being unreasonable but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in finding this annoying.

I am 38 now and have been friends with another woman since first year at high school. Over the years we have seen each other less as we went to different unis, started different careers etc but we always meet up a few times a year to catch up.

Ever since she has been a young teenager she has been very careful with taking care of herself especially her skin. She wouldn't drink booze or smoke or even stay out at a smokey club late because she said doing those things ruined your skin in time. She shunned make up as she felt it was bad for her skin, wore sunscreen daily before it became popular and became a vegetarian all to protect her looks. She has always kept fit but won't do high impact exercise or impact sports because she believes its bad for your skin and face.

In our late teens and 20's I found it very hard to understand why she would live her life this way, always taking care of herself. It wasn't even as if she thought she was some great beauty but she just seemed to check in with herself over every think is this bad for my skin if so she wasn't doing it, this included the kind of dodgy guys most of us fall for when we where youn, she just saw right though them.

She married a reliable, quiet man with a good job and bought a house in the semi countryside away from pollution and established a mainly work from home low stress job.

When I was younger I really thought she was a boring at times although I knew she was smart and funny in private I just couldn't see why she would live like that. Now however I can see that she just seemed to know from a very young age what she wanted, the quality of life she wanted from her home life to her appearance and its true she looks amazing, the quality of her skin is better than any other woman in her 30's I have seen even compared to celebrities. If I didn't know her I'd say she was in her early to mid 20's. I on the other hand look like fag ash lil and I think that is not uncommon for most women my age too much sun and fun and I can't help but feel about annoyed about it all. Mainstream culture told me to go out have fun, be one of the lads, that I could have it all a career, beauty, a man family but instead I feel washed up and dried up at 38. I've had a lot of men in my life but none that stuck around and the only ones who show an interest now are all in their 50's which is too old for me.

Why did nobody warn me I had limited resources of looks and energy which I would use up and how did she know to pace herself? It isn't fair :(

Hmmmmm.
I'm in my 40's. 3 children. Younger husband.
I have an autoimmune disorder that supposedly makes you gain weight. I lived most of my early 20's in nightclubs, and have lived the scene inside out.

I'm size 8. No stretch marks. Can still pass for late twenties.
It's only a problem if you make it one, and waste energy comparing yourself to other people.
I'm me. My husband is hot. We can find multiple ways to entertain ourselves in a bus shelter, if necessary.
Live a little. Forget the others. Their lives are of no direct consequence, and envy is all consuming.

Theres always botox ;-)

I wouldn't read the memoirs of someone bemoaning their life being over at 38, doesn't sound like the kind of literature I enjoy...

I partied like anything and don't look young and fresh faced anymore, but I still think I'm attractive and interesting. Health is important, but living your whole life worrying about something doesn't necessarily make it better.

Isn't the latest thinking that we all need a bit of vitamin d and the obsessive sunscreeners will end up with other cancers, even if they avoid skin cancer?

Are you Kate Moss?

This sounds like classic mid life crisis stuff. You sound like you're not satisfied with your life as it is now, but your focus on your friend sounds like a bit of grass is greener. I mean, if the thing you envy most is her skin... imagine being on your deathbed and you're like "well, whatever else went wrong, I managed the main thing: my skin is fucking awesome."
IMO you need to figure out what you really are missing from your life and then you can try and get it or move past it. I don't think it's the skin

I would be rather concerned if a daughter of mine, as a young woman, were so obsessed with her skin that she made it the centre of her life choices (although I would be rather pleased about the lack of smoke and booze, of course). It sounds overly controlled and a worrying indication of where she believes her worth to reside.

I'm 38 with fairly young-looking skin and while I've always been quite religious about facial sunscreen, I certainly haven't avoided sports/booze/cigarettes (only smoked briefly as a student but I was thinking a lot more of my general health and bank account than my skin when I gave up) for my complexion. I have been veggie since my teens but for ethical and taste reasons. IMO my skin is purely the luck of the draw, and - this bit is important - it comes, if indeed it figures on it at all (which I doubt), way way down the list of things that give me pride and happiness in my life.

Why did nobody warn me I had limited resources of looks and energy which I would use up

Sounds like your friend warned you for years!

My Mum always told me to wear moisturiser. Of course I never did till I started getting wrinkles.

TBH I thought when I started reading that the unfairness of life implied in your title was going to be that your friend got skin cancer or looks awful or something. Not that someone made careful plans and you didn't so their life has turned out a bit better as a result. And?

TBH I thought when I started reading that the unfairness of life implied in your title was going to be that your friend got skin cancer or looks awful or something. Not that someone made careful plans and you didn't so their life has turned out a bit better as a result.

Me too. I feel pretty bad for you that this is your perspective on life - both hers and yours. You think you would wish your friend well. You think that you would take responsibility for your own choices.

Shrug I am not unlike your friend.

I have always had a plan (and multiple back ups).

I have very pale skin and a father who dies from skin cancer very young. So I take care and now I am older it has resulted in 'younger' looking skin.

What is that saying 'comparison is the thief of joy'.

Mainstream culture told me to go out have fun, be one of the lads, that I could have it all a career, beauty, a man family but instead I feel washed up and dried up at 38. I've had a lot of men in my life but none that stuck around and the only ones who show an interest now are all in their 50's which is too old for me.

Why did nobody warn me I had limited resources of looks and energy which I would use up and how did she know to pace herself? It isn't fair sad

You sound like an incredibly passive observer in your own life. Why did you feel you have to do what 'mainstream culture' 'told' you to do? Why do you feel that there was an 'unfair' secret that you friend was privacy to any you weren't? Why are you writing off all men who are interested in you on the basis of some predefined criteria rather than getting to know them.

You have agency in your own life. Make a list of each of the things you're unhappy with and set about improving them.
Comparing yourself to your friend and bemoaning the fact that your current situation is 'unfair' won't change anything. You could change things, though, if you actively set about doing do.

Urgh. Typos

I think this is a reaction to suddenly realising you have aged and you don't like it. Totally understandable but really nothing to do with your friend.

I know people who supposedly had it all and then everything fell apart around their ears in their forties. Reliable husband had an affair and left, beautiful country pile was sold and equity split, good health unfortunately turned into a chronic health condition. Anything can happen to anyone at any time so there is no point in envying those you perceive as living the perfect life. It doesn't exist.

You have to do the best that you can do with what you've got and if you are looking a little bit worse for wear there are a myriad of things you can do to improve that. Equally I don't think that at 38 the only men you can pull are in their fifties. Go find yourself some hobbies and meet people in real life. It's only on dating sites that people have this weird checklist of wants.

I'm sure I read a very similar thread recently, even down to the good skin. Do people really look at others good fortune and resent it?

Mainstream culture told me to go out have fun, be one of the lads, that I could have it all a career, beauty, a man family but instead I feel washed up and dried up at 38.

YABVU

You made your choices and she made hers.

Woman up and figure out where you want to be in your own life. And then make plans to get there. You're only 38! You're but an embryo.

Not sure if this thread is serious, I assume it and will respond accordingly.

Start now, OP. Drink water. Eat veg. Avoid the sun. No alcohol. Exercise. Avoid sugar. Fresh air. Moisturizer.

You'll feel better and look incredible too.

Comparison is the thief of joy, indeed!

Don't compare yourself. You are you - you've led your own life and made your own decisions. If there's something you want, go out and get it. Your friend seems like one of those people who is quietly confident in her own skin, and creates her own path.

As for the skin, well, sun and smoking are the biggies. Genetics plays a part too.

I look younger than my years - very, very pale so I've never been one for sunbathing at all, in fact I'm a bit obsessive about sun exposure. Working on skin cancer trials probably hasn't helped. However, I have been soundly and consistently mocked for not having a tan for decades. I've been mocked for putting sunscreen on and mocked for not lying frying in the sun. When dh and I got back from our tropical honeymoon we were mocked for being as pale as when we left. I care not. I didn't do it for the lack of wrinkles, I just hate burning and I'm aware I'm the high risk pale freckly type.

Excercise, moisturise, eat well (lots of good fats like salmon and avocado) don't smoke, drink moderately and your skin will look much better.

Hmm another one picking up on the Mainstream culture told me to go out have fun, be one of the lads, that I could have it all a career, beauty, a man family but instead I feel washed up and dried up at 38

Really?? Who is mainstream culture, that awful person whipping your backside making you do all that harmful stuff. Sounds more like a cop out. You took more notice of some spurious adverts on the TV than a friend who decided to think for herself and has the complexion to show for it!

It's one of those often quoted deathbed regrets isn't it? 'I wish I'd moisturised more in my youth...'

Are you the same poster who wrote about having no money or prospects because her evil mammy didn't send her to private school? There is the same whiny, poor-me,the whole world owes me, self obsessed vibe about it.

I'm really astonished at the number of people who presume to think that the OP's friend is dull and hasn't lived a full and interesting life. There's nothing wrong with the choices the OP made for herself, but there's also nothing wrong with the choices her friend made.

It's a horrible habit, knocking the OP's friend as a method of consoling the OP.

I lived it up madly in my 20s. And 30s. The only thing I did for my skin was sunscreen. I have really rather good skin for an old boot of 52.

I do think you're BU to blame others for your own perceived problems.

But, it ain't over yet.....

My take is that the friend is vvv lucky - either because of the genes she inherited or the upbringing she had.

She knew what she wanted from life and went for it - this is v unusual as most people haven't a clue or are messed up by their upbringing or DPs. She had something in her childhood that made her super sensible - this is luck or chance. (I'm not saying she always had good luck - just how things panned out for her)

You were like most people had flaws, lacked determination or self-knowledge and are regretting it now. You missed out on the good genes/ upbringing.

Anyway, it's not worth fretting over, life is too short.

'No life is without its regrets yet none is without its consolations.' I think that's from a film about King George.

I am much like your friend, my best friend is much more like you. We both have things about each other that after a bad day (or year) we start thinking wistfully about. That's just what happens.

Also, my husband is 12 years older than me and when I reach 38 (I'm currently 24) he will be 50. Maybe give a man a chance before you write him off, you may find someone lovely.

I do think that smoking damages your skin, but not entirely sure it is necessary to be as abstemious as your friend, OP. I have a friend who looks very wrinkly but she has always kept out of the sun, not smoked or drunk much alcohol. In contrast another friend who smokes and drinks quite heavily looks great - she has all her damage repaired with cosmetic surgery and botox. My own view is that makeup actually protects your skin and that good genes contribute more than anything else.